All My Crazy Thoughts Displayed As Friendly Notes

You may have noticed that I've been absent from the blog lately. If you check your readership like I do, you will also find a noticeable downturn. That's because I've been at home trying to recover from surgery. Nothing too major. It was outpatient. OK, it was my wisdom teeth. But let the record show that I never would have gotten the surgery if those blasted SOBs hadn't taken it upon themselves to rot my remaining molars. I need those if I'm going to continue to eat solid foods. Anyhow, moving forward. Here are my weekend thoughts in love note form.

Dear Oral Surgeon,
Be sure to thank your receptionist for being a candle customer of mine or else I never would have come to you for these services. I don't believe in using male doctors. I've seen way too many episodes of Perry Mason and Matlock to let you near me in a closed room. However, the old Mrs. R is one of my favorite people and I would trust her with my life (clearly). Plus you did a pretty awesome job. Although, I think you hit a nerve on the right because it still hurts like all hell. But I'll let that slide because you really have called to check on me twice and that's the best any doctor in any specialty has ever been to me. Sad, I know.

Whelp. Thanks again.

Dear Asshole Who Hit The "Mom Van" and Woke Me From My Nap,
I saw you peel out of the parking lot. Not to mention you left some tail light behind. But you didn't even have the decency to leave a note? We're neighbors! Do you think that I won't pursue you? I like how you didn't come back home until early, early this morning... with a new bumper no less. You must think this will prove your innocence. Not so. My step dad is already on it and you wouldn't believe the lengths that detectives will go to for their fellow uniforms. *just ask Rollback*

Nice try, Old Man.

Dear Lady Who Offered Me Help in Target,
Thank you for caring. Of the hundred or so people who saw me with my inflated jaw and glassy eyes carrying instant cold packs, you were the only one who told me it would be OK. I know that I wasn't convincing with my dental surgery explanation, probably because I was crying. But I was only crying because you care so much. I hope that you continue with your bravery and are there for the woman who really does need your help instead of the one who is disobeying her oral surgeon and driving while on intense sedatives.

Cheers!

Dear Pain in My Right Jaw,
You are a pain in the face but you give me a good reason for my crabiness. I can't explain how much I want you gone. I'm currently blaming you on a pinched nerve. If I find out it's actually an infection, I might take you out myself. Make plans to disappear soon or... or... just make plans.

That's a promise.

Dear Body Temp,
I don't know why you insist on being irregular. If I had a thermometer, I'd check you for a fever, but alas, I don't. All I'm saying is that it's irresponsible for you to make me shiver for a good ten minutes when I'm under two blankets and then make me so hot that I sweat behind my knees when I'm laying in just a t-shirt and panties. You know I hate sweat. Always have. I don't know why you hate me. But whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it. I just want you to regulate for good. 

Hearts,

Dear Vicodin,
Why, oh why, do you work so good? I want to put you down but you're the only thing that takes the jaw pain away. I've tried OTC meds like I was instructed and they just make me miss you more. I wish you weren't so good at your job. I've promised myself that I won't refill you but we both know that's a lie. This persistent pain is now in my ear. You're the only one that takes it away enough for me to be at rest, enough for me to sleep.

Thanks again. Unless I end up on an episode of Intervention. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Dear Brian Urlacher,
I hope that you're the kind of low-key celebrity that likes to Google his own name and see what kind of obscure places you show up in. Like Justin Bieber! (I just guaranteed myself 20 additional hits!) But seriously, I still love you. I love watching you play. I was so sad when you got hurt in the 1st game of 2009; I no longer had a reason to watch the Bears. Gosh, I thought I was ready to write this. What I'm trying to say is, if you're reading this, please hunt me down and ask me to dinner. I'll pay! You can bring your manager and bodyguards if you want (they definitely have to pay their own way). I'll even let you pick the place. I just really, really want to sit next to you. And not in a creepy, stalky way. But in a this-would-be-a-dream-come-true kind of way. And we can talk about anything you want. Or not. I mean, its whatever. OK. I'm gonna stop typing to you now.

Dear National Football League,
I'm sure that I watched the 2009/2010 season in its entirety and that's why I felt confident going into this new season. But obviously, somewhere along the line, when the cameras weren't watching, all of the sure-fire teams decided that they didn't have to try or practice and all the shitty teams realized that they had something to live for. I don't know how or when it happened, but it would be great if you could put things back the way they are supposed to be so that I can have some sense of security when watching you on t.v.

Thanks,

Dear Bengals,
Fire Carson Palmer. And Jordan Palmer. And Marvin Lewis.
If you need a reason, look at Sunday's bullshit call that ended in an intereception when you clearly should have kicked a field goal. It's not about hindsight or about thinking I could do better. It's about getting results from the team who last year won the AFC North but allow people to forget that because this year they've lost to the Cleveland Browns and Tampa Bay Buccaneers! As a fan, I'm disgusted.

Dear Drowsiness I Am Currently Incurring,
We should have stayed home today.

Thankful Thursday - Letters From Home

I got a letter in the mail and it went a little something like this...

Envelope Flap: God Blesses the hands of the person opening this letter.

Hi J-Bird!

This is something I think you might like (I hope so). Of course I liked it! She has impeccable taste. As I read this you popped up in front of me. I told you we are a superstitious bunch. I feel this is meant for you as you are a wonderful, serious, confident, strong, compassionate, understanding woman who knows what she desires and will get in life and God is there with you all the way. So many adjectives but they all fit me so well.  You will overcome any distractions appearing to hinder your desires. God, I hope so. Silent prayers are as effective as voicing openly (believe me, I know how awesome God is though his son, Jesus). Prayers are answered at the right time (not always when we want or expect). Call me when you have time to talk. This part made me sad. I obviosuly don't call her enough. I'm always talkative at any time. I love you and don't want you thinking I'm interfering in your life but - what the heck! - I want the best life can offer for you. She totally meant to interfere; it's what she does best. My fingers are aching so I must stop writing (aren't you glad? /smile). Sad and funny. She's getting so old and it makes me want to weep. But when did Grammy learn HTML?!? I hope to see you soon As soon as I can, I promise and do continue talking to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ as He listens and answers.

Love you Turkey!
Told you she calls us turkeys.

Gram

To My Future Self

I got this idea from Andrea over at a cake for a wife. It’s important that I am honest here and if something I say here offends you then my only suggestion is that you stop reading and move forward with your life.

I had a dream a few nights ago. It started out with me entering a small restaurant with no way for me to get to my final destination. Before I could mope about the unfairness of it all, one of Mrs.G’s bridesmaids, Madison and her friend come in and offer me a ride. I’m trying to get to this hotel where I’ll be getting married (finally!). We get there and it’s a huge circle. We can’t figure out how to get to the entrance or even where it is! So Madison drives her car across the grounds and on to the runway that I will be strutting down the very next day. I climb into a window and into my Bridal Room.

My gown is there (and it’s Ab-Fab even though it’s not something I would pick out for myself; too couture-y). Anyways, I’m in this room and I set all my stuff down and start looking for a way to get to the front desk. This room is just one massive circle. The crazy part is that between every Bridal Suite is a Groom’s Chambers. I check inside each and every one looking for an exit to the main lobby. I even walk in on one unsuspecting groom as he steps from the shower, but still I’m at a lost. I finally lie down in the center and fall to sleep.

The next morning when I awake, I go into my Bridal Suite and climb out of the very same window. There are people everywhere bustling around prepping for the massive number of wedding that will be taking place. I also see my ex-personal trainer. He’s there with his wife and he’s dressed e x a c t l y like her. Exactly. Same skinny jeans. Same fuchsia top. Same honey-blonde hair crimped to hell and teased to the sky (here’s hoping his was a wig).

We engage in small talk. “What are you doing here?”, “Me too!”, “That’s so sweet.”, “I love how you two match each other.”, “Haha! That’s such a cute idea.” I walk away and over hear someone ask Trainer, “How do you know Jen?” and he says, “I’m a personal trainer. I used to train her but you can’t tell”. It broke my heart in my dreams, it breaks my heart now.

So, I’m writing these things to my Future Skinny Self. These ten things are vastly important and a must read for the new sexy me. Here goes…


1. Nobody is watching you.

It’s important that I help you understand that other people have lives too. Sure, they’re not as interesting as yours. I completely agree that they could benefit from having you as a compadre, however, while you are wasting precious minutes stressing about that distant whisper, fleeting glance, or muffled giggle, they are doing exactly what you should be doing; living their lives.

2. You are not alone but you can’t wait on “them” to get your real life started either.

I (fat you) always had the ability but not the mental strength to keep at it alone. But you (skinny me) are stronger than that. You’re here now because of what you were willing to do on your own. So, pick up your bag, grab your keys and go already! I don’t know where and I really don’t care but just go. You’ll thank me for it later.

3. You weren’t as bad as you could have been.

With a family history of cancer and heart disease, not to mention your own cancer scares; one would think that I wouldn’t even be here to write you this letter. But they are wrong because we are blessed.

4. You were worst than you should have been.

I watched the scale climb and every added pound was an added weight to our shoulders. We know better and quite frankly, we are too fucking fabulous to look like this. I mean, a “bread basket”? Really? What the hell, dude? Not to mention the awkwardness that is reverse cowgirl.

5. Being so overweight was not okay and it was not normal

The sweating behind the knees, the muffin top in the jeans, the lethargy; these are bad signs. You know it. I know it. My knees know it. You have the body I haven’t seen since college. You are the way that we are supposed to be. It took a long time to get there; let’s not lose it again, ok?

6. It was an eating disorder.

The way you perceive food is all mental. It all started the first time you were told to finish all the food on your plate. It continued when you were treated with food for celebrations and in heartache. You need to understand that this is the only addiction from which you cannot abstain. You must have food to continue to live, but now that we’ve put it into perspective, I order you to use it only to nourish your body and never your soul. You think that those chips are going to taste soooooooooooo gooooooooood and then you look in the mirror and they bring you down again. Do you know how many times you’re going to regret NOT having cake or cookies or candy or pasta? Not one.

7. You can continue to cook/eat/live/be healthy.

I know that you know how to do it because you had to do it to look as good as you do. Just keep it up. What we’ve got going here is a way of life. Don’t stop. Now that we’ve got your body, I never want mine back.

8. It was worth the journey.

I know it was a long, hard, lonely road to travel but now that it’s done, don’t you feel much better? Can’t you breathe better? Don’t you love going into every store knowing that you can try anything on? Aren’t you sure that guy is checking out your ass? Yes, Yes, and Yes!

9. The healing will begin when you allow it to.

I have many scars. I have a tendency to hold on to everything for forever. You have the power to change that.

10. Don’t be a slut.

Remember Freshman Year in college when we lived in an off-campus apartment on “Frat Row” with THREE SENIORS? Yeah, let’s not live like that anymore.

My First Letter to You

I wish I could tell you about all of the great things that happened over Christmas but that would be farcical. So much went wrong. And I feel like a total whiner and Debby Downer but I can't walk around with this on my chest anymore. So, I'm writing a letter to the only person that will hear me without passing judgment or offering advice and sympathy.

Dear Baby,
I know that you're not here yet and the entire concept of sending you a letter could be perceived as ludicrous, but I need to tell you some things and make you some promises. The first thing I want to say is that I want you more than my next breath of air. My whole life I've imagined what you would be like and how you will grow. And it may seem silly that I continue to wait but it's because there are some very important decisions that have to be made for you that only I can make.

The first is who your father will be. I want to get this right, Baby. I can't tell you how hard of a decision this is turning out to be. Because no matter how much I want to hold you and love you and make you feel special, I need to know that the man I choose will make you feel that way too. I'm looking for the man that wants you as much as I want you and I promise that you'll know when I find him.

I promise that you will grow up in a house filled with respect and love. Big giant helpings of it. I won't make you feel afraid to fail or make mistakes. Instead I'll teach you how to get up and how to push on. You will never feel like your worth is tied to what you can do for me. I will never put the burden of our family's survival squarely on your shoulders. You will never worry about your next meal or where you will lay your head.

I promise that you will grow up with traditions. They may not be huge like an annual scuba diving vacation or celebrating Christmas in Europe. But there will be something that you can carry with you your whole life. That one thing that you know will always be there. I want that for you. The security of knowing that if all else fails this one thing will still be here when you wake up.

I promise that you will not fear me. Because you don't gain respect through fear but through compassion. I'm not saying that you won't get in trouble or be reprimanded when wrong. But you will know that I'm doing it to teach you and keep you straight. And you will receive my love and support more than you receive my anger and frustration. I plan to smother you in hugs and kisses, to curl up under blankets watching movies, and teach you all the life skills I had to learn on my own.

I promise that no matter how far you stray or how long you're gone that you can always come home. I will leave a light on so that you can find your way back. Because I know that I can't keep you from getting lost and I can't stop you from going your own way, but I can sit on the porch and be here when you get back. And I always will.

I promise you that at the end of a hard day when everything else has gone wrong, you can sit and tell me all about it. I might tell you what I think about the situation but I won't be mad at you for your choices. I will let you speak. Let you free your mind. I will be your sounding board.

And finally, I promise you that even if I make all the wrong choices for you; if I choose the wrong man to be your father, the wrong name for you to live with forever, the wrong school district for you to graduate from, if I never buy a house for you to come home to, if the whole world burns down to the ground around us, you will always be first in my life. There is nothing and no one that can take that away from you.

Baby, sweet Baby, I promise all of these things to you. And I can only hope that they are enough to get us through. I'm still so excited for you and can hardly wait until the day that we're together.

With All My Love,
Mommy