"I'll Be Safe Once I Wake Up"

All I want is a leisurely day on the shore. Lakes were never my favorite, they aren't now, but I'll do anything to dip my toes in the cool, clear water. And I'll take whatever I can get. Lazily, I walk to the shore. I can see a man less than 15 feet away with his line carelessly cast. It seems that today will be a lazy day for everyone.

We exchange niceties and he laughs when I sigh at the water's warmth. I ask him what's with all of these strings. There are at least a dozen of them - white, green, and blue - all tied together in a knot and secured to a rock. He doesn't have a clue, "they've been there all day", he says. I tug on a white one and I can see that it stretches far into the water.

I know that having it tied to all of the other strings will make this harder but I don't really have an option; that knot is not coming out. I pull and pull. Finally, I can feel the object on the other end give way and start to slowly pull toward me. The pulling gets easier as the objects gets closer. My arms want me to stop but my curiosity has been peaked. There's no way I'm gonna stop now. Whatever I pull outta here is mine and it could be gold!

But it's not gold. As I'm heaving and tugging I see something dark pop up. It's way too late to turn back now so I continue pulling. I've got an audience now and I can hear them cheering me on. Then a head arises from the water. I can see the look of pure torment on this man's face, his hand is clutching the noose on which I pull. I panic. The cheering has stopped and everyone has fallen silent. I drop the rope. I can't even scream. The only thing I can think to do is run.

I run from the shore and when I finally stop I'm in the city. A huge metropolis is all around me and instinctually I know where to go. I am cold and shivering from the night air. My feet are sore but not bleeding. My body is dirty, my hair is mangy, and I am scared. I see him and hope that he doesn't see me but he does. He calls my name and inside I'm begging him to stop. Doesn't he know that they're still after me? Doesn't he know that I'm not safe?

He wraps his arm around me like he used to. It's still unwelcome. I tell him that I'm running away and he offers to help. I tell him that I just want to go home. "I'll help you", he says. He only wants me to get there safely. There's an alley that we walk through. The buildings are so tall. I see the air conditioners in the windows and women are hanging clothes on the line while talking on their phones. I know this isn't my home... it's his. I ask about his wife and he assures me that they were never married, it was just a hoax. We can still be together - he and I - and I could have all of this if I would just stay.

I look up at him and I see the sincerity in his eyes. But the same fear that made me leave back then is coursing through my veins. So, I make the decision to run... again. This time I make it to the ferry but I have no money. I jump as it begins to pull away from the dock and make it on undetected. Quickly, I leap behind the chair of an overweight woman hoping that her girth will hide me. I see him pacing the ferry slowly and deliberately. He's wearing a grey suit and he's holding so many gifts.

As he gets closer, I am able to make out his cargo. My heart sinks at the sight of the purple roses. He's looking for me. I know that he will find me. The African has always known me too well. I can't explain why he's carrying two more bouquets - red and yellow roses - and a balloon. Maybe he's unsure? I just hoped to never find out. The seconds pass like minutes until he gathers confidence in his step. He's coming toward me like a heat-seeking missle. Suddenly, he's standing before me and offers his hand.

I feel the tears pricking my eyes. I don't want to go. But still I extend my hand to him and turning away from him I say, "I'll be safe once I wake up".

rose

To My Future Self

I got this idea from Andrea over at a cake for a wife. It’s important that I am honest here and if something I say here offends you then my only suggestion is that you stop reading and move forward with your life.

I had a dream a few nights ago. It started out with me entering a small restaurant with no way for me to get to my final destination. Before I could mope about the unfairness of it all, one of Mrs.G’s bridesmaids, Madison and her friend come in and offer me a ride. I’m trying to get to this hotel where I’ll be getting married (finally!). We get there and it’s a huge circle. We can’t figure out how to get to the entrance or even where it is! So Madison drives her car across the grounds and on to the runway that I will be strutting down the very next day. I climb into a window and into my Bridal Room.

My gown is there (and it’s Ab-Fab even though it’s not something I would pick out for myself; too couture-y). Anyways, I’m in this room and I set all my stuff down and start looking for a way to get to the front desk. This room is just one massive circle. The crazy part is that between every Bridal Suite is a Groom’s Chambers. I check inside each and every one looking for an exit to the main lobby. I even walk in on one unsuspecting groom as he steps from the shower, but still I’m at a lost. I finally lie down in the center and fall to sleep.

The next morning when I awake, I go into my Bridal Suite and climb out of the very same window. There are people everywhere bustling around prepping for the massive number of wedding that will be taking place. I also see my ex-personal trainer. He’s there with his wife and he’s dressed e x a c t l y like her. Exactly. Same skinny jeans. Same fuchsia top. Same honey-blonde hair crimped to hell and teased to the sky (here’s hoping his was a wig).

We engage in small talk. “What are you doing here?”, “Me too!”, “That’s so sweet.”, “I love how you two match each other.”, “Haha! That’s such a cute idea.” I walk away and over hear someone ask Trainer, “How do you know Jen?” and he says, “I’m a personal trainer. I used to train her but you can’t tell”. It broke my heart in my dreams, it breaks my heart now.

So, I’m writing these things to my Future Skinny Self. These ten things are vastly important and a must read for the new sexy me. Here goes…


1. Nobody is watching you.

It’s important that I help you understand that other people have lives too. Sure, they’re not as interesting as yours. I completely agree that they could benefit from having you as a compadre, however, while you are wasting precious minutes stressing about that distant whisper, fleeting glance, or muffled giggle, they are doing exactly what you should be doing; living their lives.

2. You are not alone but you can’t wait on “them” to get your real life started either.

I (fat you) always had the ability but not the mental strength to keep at it alone. But you (skinny me) are stronger than that. You’re here now because of what you were willing to do on your own. So, pick up your bag, grab your keys and go already! I don’t know where and I really don’t care but just go. You’ll thank me for it later.

3. You weren’t as bad as you could have been.

With a family history of cancer and heart disease, not to mention your own cancer scares; one would think that I wouldn’t even be here to write you this letter. But they are wrong because we are blessed.

4. You were worst than you should have been.

I watched the scale climb and every added pound was an added weight to our shoulders. We know better and quite frankly, we are too fucking fabulous to look like this. I mean, a “bread basket”? Really? What the hell, dude? Not to mention the awkwardness that is reverse cowgirl.

5. Being so overweight was not okay and it was not normal

The sweating behind the knees, the muffin top in the jeans, the lethargy; these are bad signs. You know it. I know it. My knees know it. You have the body I haven’t seen since college. You are the way that we are supposed to be. It took a long time to get there; let’s not lose it again, ok?

6. It was an eating disorder.

The way you perceive food is all mental. It all started the first time you were told to finish all the food on your plate. It continued when you were treated with food for celebrations and in heartache. You need to understand that this is the only addiction from which you cannot abstain. You must have food to continue to live, but now that we’ve put it into perspective, I order you to use it only to nourish your body and never your soul. You think that those chips are going to taste soooooooooooo gooooooooood and then you look in the mirror and they bring you down again. Do you know how many times you’re going to regret NOT having cake or cookies or candy or pasta? Not one.

7. You can continue to cook/eat/live/be healthy.

I know that you know how to do it because you had to do it to look as good as you do. Just keep it up. What we’ve got going here is a way of life. Don’t stop. Now that we’ve got your body, I never want mine back.

8. It was worth the journey.

I know it was a long, hard, lonely road to travel but now that it’s done, don’t you feel much better? Can’t you breathe better? Don’t you love going into every store knowing that you can try anything on? Aren’t you sure that guy is checking out your ass? Yes, Yes, and Yes!

9. The healing will begin when you allow it to.

I have many scars. I have a tendency to hold on to everything for forever. You have the power to change that.

10. Don’t be a slut.

Remember Freshman Year in college when we lived in an off-campus apartment on “Frat Row” with THREE SENIORS? Yeah, let’s not live like that anymore.

That One Time I Was A Cougar

I was coming home after a long business trip. In sales, you're always on the road. So much so, that hotels lose their thrill and you long for the comfort and familiarity of home. A colleague, Martin, and I were almost there when he asked me to stop the car and just drop him off where we were. I pull the car over to the berm and let him out right there on the highway. He crosses the median and walks up to this big, white building. I think to myself, "What the !?! You know what? Not my problem", step on the gas and keep moving.

When I get to the rental car place, Martin is already there and he's getting strapped into a floaty vest and onto a row boat. I race to the boat because it's the only way to get across the water. But still, it pulls off without me. Martin's dragged underneath when suddenly, he jumps up like a dolphin grinning and spitting water from his mouth!

Low tide comes in and I decide that I'd rather walk across the damp sand than wait for another boat. I get to the dock and walk through a functioning warehoue. Right on the other side is the house I live in. I don't own this house; I'm a boarder. You would think that living in someone's basement would suck but this one is mysteriuosly well-lit and infused with yellow. Yellow walls, yellow knick-knacks, even yellow daisies. It's oddly warm and inviting for such a small space. But all I can think is that being a boarder totally rocks. I can go away for days and not worry because my house is never really empty.

Exhausted, I shuffle to the fridge and open it to find only soy milk (yum!) and grape kool-aid (?). There's only one person that drinks these two in tandem. Taylor Lautner.

He stands there with his big, brown eyes and tells me that he missed me so much that he stayed in my place while I was gone. I lean up on my toes, wrap my arms around his neck and as he leans towards me with smiling lips and knowing eyes...

waking up is a bitch.