Only Because You Asked

Cake Betch was kind enough to put me on Front Street and call me out on my feelings for The Scorpio. Because she asked, I will answer. But know that I will still publish the other post I've been working on tentatively titled "If Game Recognizes Game, What Does Lame Recognize?". I know. It's a work in progress.

Now, I'm going to write something here that I wish I didn't have to write because I think it's a cop out. But when it comes to describing my relationship with The Scorpio this is the only phrase that fits: It's Complicated.

Do I love him? Yes. With my whole heart. (And if you ever tell him that I said it wrote it, I will deny it, fart on your face while you sleep and burn this post to the ground). But sometimes, my dears, love ain't enough.

We don't see things the same way.

I never ask for anything. I'm sure that's why I'm not as stellar at my job as I could be. It would require asking my boss for tools and/or deals and I'm just not gonna do it. If you want me to have something, you should give it to me, otherwise I will learn to live without it. He asks for everything. all. the. time. The Scorpio treats the universe like a personal Quik-E-Mart. If you say no, he's sure that someone else will say yes and he'll just ask them.

So basically, I end up giving and not getting. This is a problem. It's a problem because I won't say that I'm not getting. I just... change. I get eerily quiet. I walk much more softly. I lose interest in being around you. Because how long can you give and not get before the well runs dry? At some point it has to rain or there will be no more water. You see what I'm saying?

Then there are our personalities. I'm loud, spontaneous, outgoing, adventurous and generally up for anything new. I've been to four continents and daydream about the three I've yet to see. I live for change and he does not. He can't imagine living anywhere else but here. Even though his business would thrive out west or further south, he can't make himself do it. He's attached to everything while I'm attached to nothing. He thinks I'm flighty and I think he's stoic.

And it's really that last sentence that's the problem.

The Scorpio internalizes everything. He very rarely says how he feels or what he's thinking so I never know. I need to be told that I'm wanted and appreciated. That's what makes me feel loved. Without love, doubt creeps in and all of the little things that normally mean nothing suddenly mean everything. No relationship can survive with the hairline fractures in it's foundation.

So... we're friends. As friends we can laugh, have dinner, joke, and be completely open without the pressures of meeting each other's standards. Yeah, it's a cop out and I know it but what do you want from me? I don't have the patience to wait until he's sure that this ship will cross the ocean. I feel like he should know that I'm what he wants and he doesn't. At least he hasn't said it. And if he hasn't said it then to me it isn't real.

And by the way, I totally want a California King. My parents had one when I was growing up because my dad is 6'4". I'm so jealous of you and your quality sleep that it's ridiculous.

Are There Words Between Those Lines?

Lately, The Scorpio has been much more open. If that can even be said about Scorpios. They are notoriously silent. Which drives me absolutely insane! Because how I am supposed to know what you're thinking if you don't open your mouth?! But I digress.

The Scorpio has been much more open. Sunday night, we talked about our pasts. I rambled on through every relationship from age 14 to him and he just sat there in wonder. You might say that it was a bad idea but I don't think it was. It won't kill him to know where I've been. And depending on how he reacts to the information, I may decide to tell him how I got through it. Partial information is better than none at all, right?

Sometimes, I chastise myself for being so obsessive about everything. Sometimes, my obsession comes in handy. I'm not good at putting information together right away. Not that I'm slow or mentally handicapped, I just happen to take everything at face value.

For instance, CBS111 was telling me about a great part-time opportunity and she was so excited and I was totally bringing her down because I was giving her the weirdest face. How could she be excited about a customer service position? Didn't we deal with enough of other people's problems during the day? Why would she want to do this at night? I didn't say anything positive or negative because I checked out and couldn't put anything she was saying into context.

If she had told me that her part-time opportunity was in a pharmacy, then I would have been properly excited for her. I know that she's always dreamed of a profession in medicine. But she didn't say that, so I couldn't comprehend her excitement. Sure, she said that she had to wear scrubs. And yes, I knew that the woman she was referencing worked in a pharmacy but none of that came together inside my head. And when I (finally) realized what it is that she would be doing (only because I asked and she told me outright), I shared in her excitement.

That's pretty much how it works with me.

So, when The Scorpio said that he didn't notice me until he met my sister, my response was, "In high school? She would have been a freshman". He responded yes, he'd noticed me in high school. So I scoffed and was all "I was a Senior. Trust that I didn't know who you were". And then I proceeded with my original thought because he rudely interrupted me with his memory of the day he saw me. Don't get me wrong. My senior year was my only year at that school. (Technically, I got enrolled on April 11th of my Junior year but since I had to have my class schedule corrected twice and I walked to work immediately after school, the only person I knew was my guidance counselor.)

And like I said before, Nat started high school my senior year and I spent the whole first semester trying to ditch her. Not because I didn't love her but because I knew it had to be done. She'll remember it as me being too cool but even then she was my best friend. The problem was that I had so many credits that I would only need 2 classes in the second semester and I knew that. If Nat didn't make friends now, she'd be screwed when that time came. Plus, she's super timid and wasn't going to do it on her own. She needed the push. She joined a couple of sports teams and found her niche. My job was done.

I remember hearing The Scorpio's name in passing because of Homecoming but I know they didn't actually make it to the dance. And then she started dating the quarterback and I heard his name over and over and over again. Actually, some super petty girls were so jealous that they came to the restaurant I worked at to tell me that my sister was at Homecoming with the starting quarterback and I should tell my parents because he was not a nice guy. Hahahaha! Fat girls are a trip.

Anyways, it wasn't until three hours later when I was laying on my couch alone and already bored with the NCAA Championship game that I remembered what he said. He noticed me in high school. That was ten years ago. How can he remember that day so clearly when I can't even remember what I wore on our first date? Was it really that important to him? Why do I always catch on so late?

So, that's what I'm currently obsessing over. There are other things he's shared with me and I can say that I'm touched. It takes a lot of trust to get him to open up and I like that he trusts me (or is a really good actor). He told me some other stuff too but given his penchant for privacy I won't disclose them. I did tell him though that we could have been this close for a YEAR now and that I can't believe all that time was wasted. He tried to blame me for misinterpreting things but I told him I didn't want to fight about it. We're just going to say he was wrong and call it a day.

Money Madness

For the first time in a long time, I have money in the bank. Not just little monies sitting there looking pitiful because they are too small to be withdrawn by ATM, but big solid monies that could replace a blown tire if I needed it to. This is a good and a bad thing.

The good part to it is that all of my planning, focus, and determination are working. I have all of my bills paid and I still have money in the bank. There's a certain feeling of security? comfort? unadulterated elation? Yes, UNADULTERATED ELATION that comes with knowing that there's money in the bank that is not allocated for some purpose.

The bad part is that I wonder if it should be allocated for some purpose. Should I move it directly to my savings? Should I let it sit there and earn no interest? Is it really allocated and I've simply forgotten a bill? Should I take this opportunity to buy the birthday presents I couldn't buy in past years, support the school fundraisers, buy name brand food (I can't tell you the last time I had Quaker Oats, Pop Tarts, or Cheerios)?

I recently paid $25 for an Entertainment book that I know I won't use just because it will help my sister get a full day out of school and in the local ice rink. I haven't bought one of these in years because I never use them. I wholeheartedly believe that they are a waste of my hard earned money. But I had the cash and she asked for my help. I paid another $9 as a sponsor for my youngest sister's walkathon.

I love the feeling that I was able to help them but I wonder if I'm hurting myself by putting their needs/wants before my own.

Recently, I returned $40 worth of unused products to the store. They were impulse purchases that I allowed myself to be talked into by none other than my mother. I know she meant no harm, but seriously, I quote, "So, you're just not going to treat yourself for the next two years? This $20 won't break you".

She’s right. It didn’t break me. But there wasn’t anything I couldn’t live without. And what’s worst is that I didn’t need them and after sitting in my house for a full week, I realized that I didn’t want them. If I had truly wanted them, they wouldn’t have been sitting there unopened in the store bags.

The plans I have for my life are HUGE and there’s a very good chance that I might be doing all of these things alone. My financial discipline has gotten much better over the last year and particularly in the last 90 days. I’m so proud of the strides I’m making. No, I don’t track every penny just yet but I do actually keep a valid bank register on paper (I tried keeping it in my head and bad things kept happening).

I know that I have stopped getting in my own way. If only I had the strength to move other people as well…

Piggy

All At Once

It seems that everyone in my life is at a crossroads right now. That includes the uber-responsible types, the whiny types, and the I-can-do-this-on-my-own-except-I-need-your-help types. The problem with that is simply that there's no place to hide from the general "funk" of it all.

I don't want to call it depression because that's not it. And saying that we're overwhelmed just doesn't feel right. We all get up everyday and do what has to be done without fail. But none of us can remember the last time we did what we wanted to do without worry. And that's what I presume to say is the real issue.

Some want puppies, some more money, I want a life partner and others a baby. Can you see what I mean? We all want something. That one thing we don't have.

My house stays put together except for the dog hair that sits. on. everything. I would love to have the pitter-patter of little feet to quell (bringing the vocab back!) the silence. Or even just someone to cook for. And I could definitely imagine living without a dog. Primarily because I never have before.

One friend would be happy if just one other person somewhere would take charge of something so that she didn't have to. She's not even being picky about it. She'd just like the expectation and reliance on her to do everything to be taken away.

Some simply want everything right now, just so they can want something new. We're all staring out of the windows of our soul begging for the slightest change, for one thing to go right so that we can move forward again. The pain of being at an emotional stand still is unnerving.

You know that you should push forward and do all of the things you've done before. But as my brother likes to ask, "How's that working for you?". Let me ask you something, Bloggies. When what you're doing isn't working, do you just do nothing at all?

Photo by Chris Leather

Alone Doesn't Mean Lonely

I'm sitting in a breakfast restaurant after finally putting in my rental application. I'm one kind remark away from tears. A one-bedroom apartment is the ultimate sign that I'm alone.

I have great friends, as witnessed last night, but I will soon have my own place with no room for anyone else. And it frightens me.

Being alone is the only thing I've ever truly been afraid of. What if people don't come by? What if my new neighbors don't like me? What if the rest of my life will be like this?

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