Only Because You Asked

Cake Betch was kind enough to put me on Front Street and call me out on my feelings for The Scorpio. Because she asked, I will answer. But know that I will still publish the other post I've been working on tentatively titled "If Game Recognizes Game, What Does Lame Recognize?". I know. It's a work in progress.

Now, I'm going to write something here that I wish I didn't have to write because I think it's a cop out. But when it comes to describing my relationship with The Scorpio this is the only phrase that fits: It's Complicated.

Do I love him? Yes. With my whole heart. (And if you ever tell him that I said it wrote it, I will deny it, fart on your face while you sleep and burn this post to the ground). But sometimes, my dears, love ain't enough.

We don't see things the same way.

I never ask for anything. I'm sure that's why I'm not as stellar at my job as I could be. It would require asking my boss for tools and/or deals and I'm just not gonna do it. If you want me to have something, you should give it to me, otherwise I will learn to live without it. He asks for everything. all. the. time. The Scorpio treats the universe like a personal Quik-E-Mart. If you say no, he's sure that someone else will say yes and he'll just ask them.

So basically, I end up giving and not getting. This is a problem. It's a problem because I won't say that I'm not getting. I just... change. I get eerily quiet. I walk much more softly. I lose interest in being around you. Because how long can you give and not get before the well runs dry? At some point it has to rain or there will be no more water. You see what I'm saying?

Then there are our personalities. I'm loud, spontaneous, outgoing, adventurous and generally up for anything new. I've been to four continents and daydream about the three I've yet to see. I live for change and he does not. He can't imagine living anywhere else but here. Even though his business would thrive out west or further south, he can't make himself do it. He's attached to everything while I'm attached to nothing. He thinks I'm flighty and I think he's stoic.

And it's really that last sentence that's the problem.

The Scorpio internalizes everything. He very rarely says how he feels or what he's thinking so I never know. I need to be told that I'm wanted and appreciated. That's what makes me feel loved. Without love, doubt creeps in and all of the little things that normally mean nothing suddenly mean everything. No relationship can survive with the hairline fractures in it's foundation.

So... we're friends. As friends we can laugh, have dinner, joke, and be completely open without the pressures of meeting each other's standards. Yeah, it's a cop out and I know it but what do you want from me? I don't have the patience to wait until he's sure that this ship will cross the ocean. I feel like he should know that I'm what he wants and he doesn't. At least he hasn't said it. And if he hasn't said it then to me it isn't real.

And by the way, I totally want a California King. My parents had one when I was growing up because my dad is 6'4". I'm so jealous of you and your quality sleep that it's ridiculous.

Livin' A Stainy Life

There are stains on my sweater. It kinda looks like I had a really juicy, exceptionally greasy hamburger and just let it run all down my front... and I don't care. Which is how I've been living my life the last few days. Just whatever happens will happen and I'm not in the mood to pretend to have control over it.

I have an ungodly amount of laundry that needs to be done and I have the money and time just not the motivation. There are 6 glasses and 3 pans in my sink that I haven't washed. Now, you would think that I'm allowed this because I washed everything else. But the truth is that I haven't cooked in over a week and those glasses are from the random drink of water I place on my nightstand every night. Classy, huh?

Side bar: Ohemgee, I spent SO MUCH MONEY this weekend! Like, yes, I paid all of my bills the moment my paycheck hit. And yes, I got the hair cut I've been talking about for over a year (maybe two). Sure, Klea has all her shots and got a new batch of flea treatment. But damn!, I spent a lot of money! Living is hard, you guys.



The Scorpio came over last weekend and I hadn't cleaned a thing. What he said was, "See! *This* is natural!". What I heard was, "OMG, you're an effing slob!". Same thing really. But since he didn't volunteer to take out the trash and left his apple core on my table, I'm sure that his place looks as bad or worse.

He and I are kinda fighting in that we're not really fighting because we're not a couple but there is a Mexican stand-off of sorts going where I don't acknowledge any of his extracurricular activities and he pretends not to notice. And he hasn't asked or offered to spend time with me so I pretend that I like sitting in my apartment by myself. Which, for the record? I very much hate spending time by myself. It's kinda creepy and I'm worried that some crack head is going to come through my window and stab me in the neck with a filthy needle. I should probably move.

But that's about it. I'm back to living my life like a recluse except I'm doing it out of I don't know why rather than depression or necessity. I just have all this energy that I want to get out but I can't do it by myself because that's just weird. I really miss having a roommate and just someone else in the house to keep all the weird noises at bay. I swear on everything I own that I heard footsteps in my attic! Which is insane, right? And they couldn't get past that lock I put on the drop door anyway. HahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Maybe I just need some sleep?

The Times They Are a-Changin'

Pic found here

Dear 2010,

Fuck you.

You were an absolute horrible time in my life and I'm glad that you're gone. The part of me that is optimistic and looks toward the future is so glad that we will never meet again. If I had a time-travelling knife, I would cut you right out of my life.

Confused? Let's discuss:

January - Plagued with constant illness

February - Paid money to find love only to be matched with complete ass hats with chihuahuas sticking out of their t-shirts or fantastic men with an inability to move forward. Priceless.

March - Damaged someone else's vehicle, was bailed out by my brother, and had a major row with my sister. And I didn't get the one I wanted.

April - Hit an all-time low in my emotional life

May - Got majorly offended and embarrassed my sister in a huge way

June - Gramma fell outrageously ill

July - I lost my baby

August - Gave this asshole my number

September - I had this day which was promptly followed by this dream

October - This post was distributed because people like to start drama. No, I'm still not sorry I wrote it.

November - I had a week-long battle with my mother and managed to fail at a meme

December - I realized that I'd lost a good friend and am having a war with a colleageue

You did nothing if not keep me humble. Everytime I tried to make a positive progression, you made sure to put me firmly back into my place. I am only so hateful because I had such high hopes for you. You and I were going to take on the world together. We had endless possibilities. Then you ruined it with your constant negativity.

Even the moments when everything was going as planned were draped in doubt and uncertainty.

I wouldn't take back any of your days because for every three blows you dealt, you were kind enough to offer me a day of solace.

With that, I look forward to 2011. It really doesn't have a choice but to be better. Because I am not afraid to punch a day in the face.

3, 2, 1... 1, 2, 3... What the Eff Is Wrong With Me?

I should not be feeling like this.

Overall, the pieces of my life are genuinely and honestly falling into place. Some by mere chance and others by a stroke of dumb luck. But as I sit here and write this, I have two major bills that apparently went unpaid. No, I can't tell you how that happened. And no, I don't have the money to pay them - either of them.

I'm not sure how it happened but I let a major piece of my life - my finances - get by me. I mean, usually when something goes unpaid it it entirely on purpose and the creditor is made well aware that they shan't receive payment this go round. Ah, well. What can I do except keep on trudging forward?

In other news, I have gone bat shit crazy. I actually said to someone (out loud mind you) that I would "stomp a hole in his face and piss in it". "He" is my boss.

Now, he knows how to pluck my strings. It's like he looks for new ways to make me create new methods of torture. He is the tiny drip from your faucet that you ignore until you realize that the stopper has been in the tub and now your whole bathroom is in your downstairs neighbor's apartment.

I've gone so far overboard that I managed to condescend to my dentist's receptionist. (But seriously, how many times do I have to say that I'm not coming in until October?)

I tried talking to my Grammy about it; she knows how to make things better. But all that did was make me miss her. And I'll tell you what else it did. It almost almost! brought on the slightest tear because I really just wanted to be with her.

And I get to meet Nat's new boyfriend tonight. Is it wrong that I don't give a damn? Not because I think he'll be a worthless no-good but because I really feel like she should be focusing on getting a goddamn apartment! She is homeless and I'm pretty sure that it has yet to occur to her that the kindness of strangers dries up before that of family.

All in all, I think I'm on the verge of firing myself from my own damn life. For all the things that are going right, I seem to be sabotaging myself in another area. So, instead of setting things on fire or smashing them with baseball bats, I'm going to go to McDonald's, get an ice cream cone, and go see April's first cheerleading game.

If I'm not back again this time tomorrow, send a search party to my house.

Paranoia Sets In

There's nothing I like more than getting packages in the mail. I actually have one waiting for me right now as I type:

Jun 7, 2010 9:49 AM
Delivered
In the Middle, OH
Left at front door. Signature Service not requested.

I am as giddy as a 16-year-old boy preparing to get his first blow job. This is the kind of excitement that you just can't manufacture. I mean, yes, I ordered the items and yes, I knew they were coming but you must understand two things. 1) These are BRAND NEW something-somethings that I just had to have and have been waiting (semi-) patiently for and 2) They are finally here! There's the anticipation of finally getting to hold my package. Then I get to rip it open. I'm going to admire my new things and place them accordingly. And finally, my life will feel complete because I have these new things and they just so happened to be the things that I never knew I needed. And that's just with stuff I actually order.

So imagine the state of perpetual orgasm I must live in when surprise packages show up at my door. It's almost too much to bear. That's why the Package Project seemed like such a good fit for me. I would get my very own surprise package created just for me from someone in a mysterious location somewhere in the world.

The problem with this line of thinking and way of living is that I am not, in fact, taking my Grammy's advice. You know the advice. That little thought in the back of your head that says that this is just a ploy for someone to get your personal information so that they can stalk you, come to your house in the dead of night, slay you and then steal your identity.

Whenever this happens, I punt Grammy's voice to the far reaches of the black forest where it can't bother me with its nonsensical logic. But recently, Grammy's voice managed to meander its way back into my head. I mean, What the F*ck, Grammy*!! Because now, I feel like a total douche. Why? Well, words aren't enough.

Do you see what I mean? It's been 11 days since I've given out myyyyyy address and gotten no response from this person. I mean, I just don't understand it. When she (as they presumed to be) first emailed me it was so sweet and endearing. Just a 19-year-old, Australian girl that loves to read and was just as crazy excited about this project as I was. She said that she wanted to know the basics. I told her my age and that we share a love of books. I even told her about my Corgi. I felt as if I could hear her engaging little Aussie accent come through all her messages. So why is it that I feel like I need to be constantly peering over my shoulder looking for a Tom Bundy look-alike?

I'm scared people. I'm afraid that should I actually receive a package it will contain standard stalker photos of me (ie; me and The Boy, me going to work, me pumping gas, me picking a wedgie). Or an audio tape of all my faked orgasms. Or worst, a pair of ugly shoes that are actually in my size! SSSSSSHHRRRRIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!

I just want to say that if anything bad happens to me, I want this blog to serve as my memorial. Be sure to fill it with tons of crude jokes and penis humor. That's the only way to stay true to my life.

*Please know that I would never talk to my Grammy this way. She's the sweetest, most wonderful Grammy in the whole world. Not to mention she raised me for the whole first half of my life and wouldn't hesitate to put the pimp-hand on me or in other words "fatten my lip".

Update: I received an email from my package partner. It had her mailing address and everything. I'm so excited now because if she does decide to stalk me I can stalk her right back. Ha!The slogan by which I now live my life: Blogging: It gets shit done.

99 Things You Should Definitely Know About Me But Really Should Never Ask

I “borrowed” this from Crystal’s blog. How many of these 99 things have you done? My amazing feats are in bold. Read on and be ah-mazed.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars – when I went camping that one time
3. Played in a band – I played the flute! Holla!
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo – 6th grade Christmas play, Bitches!
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a thunder and lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill.
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping (or in my case… chunky dunking)
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run (yes, the Wii counts)
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant (I once was nice but now am jaded)
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class (I can turn you into a flamingo)
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies (Hells yeah!)
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason (those were the good ol’ days)
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check (this is one I’m not proud of)
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

49/99 equals a hearty 49.4%! Not as good as I wanted but I’ve still got lotsa life to live. Keep your fingers crossed that one day soon I’ll play myself in a movie based on the book I wrote about that time I went into labor while saving a fellow juror’s life.

Happy Sunday Ya’ll!!

I Won!!! And so, I'll share my story.

Almost a month ago The Badass Geek held a contest in which I did not participate. It's not that I didn't want to, it's just because secrets are secrets for a reason.

However, there were only four entries in a contest with ten prizes! That means that fraidy cats like me got an opportunity to win something totally awesome without having to divulge our most embarrassing moment. And guess what? I won! Pretty soon, I will be the proud owner (and wearer) of one of these sweet little diddies. I mean, who doesn't love The Godfather?

courtesy of The Badass Geek

Now, I believe in fairness and it's just not right that I got something for nothing. So here goes... a mildly embarrassing story.

I was in Clearwater, Florida for my 21st birthday. With me were my sister and my two friends, Kim and Kimmie. Now, we're from the mid-west and even though we live in a metro area, this is still a small town.

Knowing that we were miiiiiiiles away from anyone we knew only fueled the fire we had burning. We were gonna hit this town hard. We picked the Sherpherd's Resort - right on the beach with a club right downstairs! Their club is the local hot spot on Friday nights. We had hit the freaking motherload!

All hotel guests get wrist bands to get into the club for free and because it was my birthday, we got cheap drinks. And when you're in Florida on vacation there are no limits. Which is why we entered the wet t-shirt contest.

There I am, standing on stage in all my white t-shirt, braless glory, drenched in nasty bar water, when I see my boss lurking in the shadows. Apparently, all mid-westerners have a desire to get out of the cold and flock towards the Sunshine State in mid-December.

The odds that you end up on vacation in the same state as your boss can't be more than one in twelve million. So, the same bar? Really? Only me...