Doing The Math

I don't have long. We meet with the funeral director in less than an hour. But it occured to me that maybe I should check my finances.

Yes, I've come a long way from where I used to be but I am by no means independently wealthy. All in all, this trip will cost over $1000. That's rental car, fuel, food, and lodging and we're not doing anything fancy. Boarding my dog is costing me a cool $100 on its own.

I just got paid. On Friday. And I had plans for that money. Plans that involved a new tail light, a deposit to: the emergency cash fund, the Vegas trip, and Atitlan, and a plain ol' girls night out.

It's weird to be in a place where I can't seem to save money no matter how hard I try.

I'm feeling super selfish again. I don't wish that I could do my life over, but I do hope that life is done having its way with my finances.

I've grown weary of being part of the working poor.

Are You There, Blog?

Holla!

In the last week I've been doing lots of crazy things and hanging with all the crazy people I know. And when you're hanging with real-live peeps your blog peeps suffer. Never fear! I'm sure I'll be back in full force soon... Maybe.. don't hold your breath.

But while I was gone, I want to assure you that nothing super exciting has happened at all. Not at all. I did not have dinner with a friend where he revealed he was in a relationship with a married woman. I, in no way, had an epic battle, heroic crusade, or marathon melee with my mother. I don't even know why I would mention it. No one asked for my advice on how to step on out into the dating world after having a serious convo with his baby mama in which they decided that they would "co-parent" their son despite the gaping distance. I did not blurt out that Ke$ha "has no fucking talent" and "sucked a lot of dicks to get here" in the middle of a bar.

Ashton, however, did show his ass in true form and opened every gift that Nat bought. Even the ones that weren't for him. Which, incidentally, is how she discovered that he can neither read nor recognize his name. At the age of 4. And a half. Going on 5. Where he'll start school. Next fall. I have to stop writing now because my ear is touching my shoulder and my voice can't go higher.

A delivery boy almost died on my icy steps because some bung hole stole my $2.99 bag of sidewalk salt. So I put half a jar of $4.39 sea salt down until I could get to the store. It obvs is not the same. Jenny, The Bloggess, blew me away with her generosity and I guess I'm not the only one. It's INTERNATIONAL NEWS, People! I just wish I had been able to be a part of it.

Striped Shirt Steve and I are... well... that's not your business now is it?

I gets my Nook tonight. I have a $25 B&N gift card and then a fistful of free money courtesy of some of my colleagues. Plus, I read the damned tutorial and discovered that Google has eBooks as well so all is not lost and I may not return the thing from whence it came after all. Aaaaand, my library is going to start free eBook "check out" on the 27th. So all in all, this holiday doesn't suck donkey balls but perhaps only monkey balls. Those are cleaner as they aren't so close to the ground.

I'm off to Christmas #2 of 3. I'm really excited for Saturday though! That's when me and the girlies are going to do our Christmas thing. Someone once said that "friends are the family you pick for yourself". They were right but should have added "...and enemies are dung nuggets that God accidentally gave life".

Money Madness

For the first time in a long time, I have money in the bank. Not just little monies sitting there looking pitiful because they are too small to be withdrawn by ATM, but big solid monies that could replace a blown tire if I needed it to. This is a good and a bad thing.

The good part to it is that all of my planning, focus, and determination are working. I have all of my bills paid and I still have money in the bank. There's a certain feeling of security? comfort? unadulterated elation? Yes, UNADULTERATED ELATION that comes with knowing that there's money in the bank that is not allocated for some purpose.

The bad part is that I wonder if it should be allocated for some purpose. Should I move it directly to my savings? Should I let it sit there and earn no interest? Is it really allocated and I've simply forgotten a bill? Should I take this opportunity to buy the birthday presents I couldn't buy in past years, support the school fundraisers, buy name brand food (I can't tell you the last time I had Quaker Oats, Pop Tarts, or Cheerios)?

I recently paid $25 for an Entertainment book that I know I won't use just because it will help my sister get a full day out of school and in the local ice rink. I haven't bought one of these in years because I never use them. I wholeheartedly believe that they are a waste of my hard earned money. But I had the cash and she asked for my help. I paid another $9 as a sponsor for my youngest sister's walkathon.

I love the feeling that I was able to help them but I wonder if I'm hurting myself by putting their needs/wants before my own.

Recently, I returned $40 worth of unused products to the store. They were impulse purchases that I allowed myself to be talked into by none other than my mother. I know she meant no harm, but seriously, I quote, "So, you're just not going to treat yourself for the next two years? This $20 won't break you".

She’s right. It didn’t break me. But there wasn’t anything I couldn’t live without. And what’s worst is that I didn’t need them and after sitting in my house for a full week, I realized that I didn’t want them. If I had truly wanted them, they wouldn’t have been sitting there unopened in the store bags.

The plans I have for my life are HUGE and there’s a very good chance that I might be doing all of these things alone. My financial discipline has gotten much better over the last year and particularly in the last 90 days. I’m so proud of the strides I’m making. No, I don’t track every penny just yet but I do actually keep a valid bank register on paper (I tried keeping it in my head and bad things kept happening).

I know that I have stopped getting in my own way. If only I had the strength to move other people as well…

Piggy

Random Draw, Random Draw

J-Bird likes to play the numbers. It's another crazy thing that I picked up from my Grammy. She didn't always play; only when the mood struck. And usually she won. Sometimes, it would be $1 or $5. I remember once she hit triple digits and you would have thought we found black gold because there was dancing and singing and ice cream for everyone! Good times, indeed.

The point is: J-Bird likes to play the numbers. I do it once a week. Sometimes, it's just $1. When I'm feeling rich it's $5. And now, my mom has the fever. She's decided that she's going to play but with a strategy, of course. She grabbed a number picking paper and took it home so she could mull it over and really think about what she wants to play.

I'd be just as excited as she is if I hadn't had to explain the rules to her 5 times over the last week.

Anyhow, today she picked her numbers and sent them to me for approval. It must have been hard remembering all of our birthdays and laying them out in numerical order. And its even funnier that Plays 4 & 5 read : Random Draw. I love my mommy. And if she wins, y'all will know because I'll be posting from Fiji.

Haters Gonna Hate

His journey started here.

Today, my friend and fellow saleswoman, CBS111 won. *pause for raucous applause* She blogged about it so you should go and check it out from her perspective even though I'm going to tell you about it here.

The best part is that she dusted the old bitty, Charlotte. I've written nary a negative word about her on here, but trust that she is a first class bitch. All the fat cats think the sun shines from her ass. They always ask, "How does she do it?". Well, she starts by stealing your shirts. Then, she'll undercut her field reps and take their orders. Follow it up with hyperbole about her sales and straight theft of a CSR's efforts and you too could be number one.

Two years ago, we had a 30 day contest to sell this one brand of parts. Simple task, really. Call and call and call and sell until you beat everyone else. They even throw in mini prizes like $10 for every 300 and a weekly $20 winner. Then finally when it's all said and done there's one big MEGA WINNER WINNER Winner winner. CBS111 won last time too even though the old bitty called foul.

See, I was put in the blessed position of being offered half, win or lose. I was already losing albeit not by much. But the prospect of a win-win caused me to take CBS111 up on her offer. I threw a couple orders her way and she we won!

That is until the ethical aspect of our winning was brought into question. Some people really have nothing better to do than re-open every order that was placed and match the "seller" to the territory. For two years we've put up with her pouty bullshit. Two years she's given us the silent treatment. Two years our victory has been tainted by her inability to get over herself and the cats refusal to accept that her shit does stink.

You can only put up with it for so long before you decide that they can all go someplace special *gives you knowing glance with eyebrow raise*

This year they ran the same spiff and extended it to 60 days. Only completely out of season thus making it twice as hard. Let me say that Charlotte knew that she would win. By week 4 she hit her stride and was dusting the rest of us regularly. Week after week she would lose the inevitable coin toss that would cost her the weekly prize. Daily she would announce how many parts she had keyed. Every afternoon, she and our boss would talk about how she was going to win. She would sneer at me and he would laugh. It still makes me angry.

I? Well, I gave up on winning. I just don't care as much as people think. I brought in a respectable amount of business, made a decent amount of money on the program and decided that I had other goals to focus on. CBS111 wasn't about to go out like that. He focus, her passion, and her desire to burn Charlotte caused her to come up from behind. And this time it was all of her own accord. 1500 is what she sold in 2 days to come from behind. 1500 is more than what she had sold in the 58 days previous. And you know what she got?

She got her prize tossed haphazardly onto her desk and her accomplishments unacknowledged.

Haters gonna hate. And that's why we move on to the next one. Which pays $20 a piece up in here! It's so on.

The Enemy of My Enemy Is... My Mother?

Lately, my mom has been suuuuuuper nice to me. And not just, "Oh! You look lovely today" nice but "Here, I'll buy it" nice. Yesterday, we went to the local discount store and I decided that I was going to do the grown-up thing and buy area rugs for my new place. I found some that are simple and modern with just an organized splash of color. For the 3 rugs they wanted $80. That just was not in the budget. I put the 2 small ones down and prayed that no one would buy them in the next two week, when mom took the big $50 rug from me and offered to buy it if I would buy the other two. I'm getting misty just thinking about it.

Just 24 hours previous, she gave me 1/3 of this.

                                        I won't need to shop for a month.



This is something that I am very unaccustomed (and seemingly uncomfortable with). I've been an after thought for Nat's whole life. Because she's such a drama queen, everyone always wondered how she is, what she's doing and what we'll have to fix now. Her life choices right now are evidence of what I've been saying for 3 years: she is selfish, entitled, and lazy.

When the crap hit the fan 10 months ago, everyone was on her side. I didn't understand her and what she was going through. I was judging her unfairly. Why couldn't I see that she's not as strong as I am and would need some help along the way.

And then "this" happened. "This" is when she quit her job without having another one, didn't look for a new apartment before her lease ran out, didn't make plans to take her dog from my care, refused to take the Civil Service Exam, rejected the idea of living within or below her means, and let it slip that she squandered the money that mom gave her to pay off her car... in the last 4 weeks. Did I mention that she brought her new boyfriend into Mom's house twice before mom had ever laid eyes on him? Or that she claims to be in love and that he's the one, yet they've been together for a month? Should I tell you that she spends every free moment with him and none of them seeking gainful employment or a roof over her head? There's also the fact that she's leaving one minimum wage job to take another because of the perceived "upward mobility" when she told Mom that she'd be working them both. What is a Senior Key Holder anyway?

Romans 12:19 never felt so good.

I don't mean this is a hateful way. I love my sister and I love my family. I am exploding with love for them all but I have been exasperated with the foolishness that they allowed to persist. Quite frankly, it's about time that Nat was forced to sustain herself. This past July marked 4 years since she walked out on the job I got for her here where I work. It'll be 3 years ago this Christmas that she came home for the holidays and never left. Mom has finally finished paying the settlement from her eviction. October 23rd will mark one year ago that I gave her the ultimatum to get her finances in order or get out; she chose to leave.

I sat down with my Mom two weeks ago Wednesday. We were having dinner at this new Mexican place by her. We realized that there are things that we want and need to do for ourselves. I refuse to live paycheck to paycheck anymore. I will have substantial savings. I will start preparing financially for my future and the future of my family now. Mom is almost 50. April and Rebecca still have to go to college. There are another 12 years left on her mortgage. There's no margin of error for our plans... and no Natalie in our budgets.

3, 2, 1... 1, 2, 3... What the Eff Is Wrong With Me?

I should not be feeling like this.

Overall, the pieces of my life are genuinely and honestly falling into place. Some by mere chance and others by a stroke of dumb luck. But as I sit here and write this, I have two major bills that apparently went unpaid. No, I can't tell you how that happened. And no, I don't have the money to pay them - either of them.

I'm not sure how it happened but I let a major piece of my life - my finances - get by me. I mean, usually when something goes unpaid it it entirely on purpose and the creditor is made well aware that they shan't receive payment this go round. Ah, well. What can I do except keep on trudging forward?

In other news, I have gone bat shit crazy. I actually said to someone (out loud mind you) that I would "stomp a hole in his face and piss in it". "He" is my boss.

Now, he knows how to pluck my strings. It's like he looks for new ways to make me create new methods of torture. He is the tiny drip from your faucet that you ignore until you realize that the stopper has been in the tub and now your whole bathroom is in your downstairs neighbor's apartment.

I've gone so far overboard that I managed to condescend to my dentist's receptionist. (But seriously, how many times do I have to say that I'm not coming in until October?)

I tried talking to my Grammy about it; she knows how to make things better. But all that did was make me miss her. And I'll tell you what else it did. It almost almost! brought on the slightest tear because I really just wanted to be with her.

And I get to meet Nat's new boyfriend tonight. Is it wrong that I don't give a damn? Not because I think he'll be a worthless no-good but because I really feel like she should be focusing on getting a goddamn apartment! She is homeless and I'm pretty sure that it has yet to occur to her that the kindness of strangers dries up before that of family.

All in all, I think I'm on the verge of firing myself from my own damn life. For all the things that are going right, I seem to be sabotaging myself in another area. So, instead of setting things on fire or smashing them with baseball bats, I'm going to go to McDonald's, get an ice cream cone, and go see April's first cheerleading game.

If I'm not back again this time tomorrow, send a search party to my house.

Craziness

So, I got toooooonnnnnsssss of sleep last night. It's quite ridiculous actually. But my body definitely needed it so I'm really not complaining.

What I am saying is that with lots of sleep comes lots of dreams. And it seems fitting that I would dream about being an abused wife when the last thing I heard was "Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem featuring Rihanna and the last thing I watched was Enough. So, yeah, there's that.

I also just realized that I had the office hours of my potential renters messed up. They are open until 7pm on Monday and Wednesday. I could still make it there today, but they probably will view me the way I view people who enter a restaurant with the words "Are you open?". I mean, seriously, have some empathy for the working man.

So, I will go tomorrow. I'm still torn up inside about it. It's the ultimate signal to Nat, ya know? A one bedroom apartment clearly states that I don't intend to have anyone living with me at anytime. Therefore, she is not welcome to "stay for Christmas". I know that I'm allowed to be selfish. I know that it's time for me to take care of myself first for a change. And I believe that I should get accustomed to this level of selfishness because when I make the other changes in my life I will have to put me and mine first. That doesn't make it hurt any less though. Especially, when I can see her longing for me to offer her a chance at redemption. A brief escape from the real world. I could but I don't want to so I'm not going to.

I know I shouldn't judge her; that I have no right to, but it is happening. I listen to her talk about where she will and will not live. About how places are too small. My assumption is that she wants more than she can afford, more than she deserves, and much more than she needs. I tried living under her expectations before and I won't do it again. My new goal is to live below my means not at them. I don't want to be able to pay my bills every month and then have some left over for fun. I want real, substantial amounts of savings that will allow me to buy a house, repair my car, have a baby, plan a vacation, anything!

No one knows the pain I feel everyday that I am away from my grandmother. I wish I could hop on a plane, jump in the car, or even hitch hike to go see her. But the time away from my job is not something that I can afford. She's doing much better now but I couldn't be by her side when she was dying and that hurts more than anything else that I've ever felt.

I won't live that way anymore. And as much as I love Nat, she's too undependable. If I were to live with her again, the entire burden would be on me to make sure that everything was right and then I would (hopefully) collect her check for her share of the expenses. I'm above that now, on higher ground, on a different plane and she's not acting like someone who's prepared to go with me.

Sometimes, I Wonder...

• if I'll ever be the kind of woman that men write songs about


• if I'll find my place in this world


• whether bankruptcy is my best option


• when I'll be properly motivated to lose this weight


• if I can reclaim my inner flirt


• what it will take to snag Mr. Right For Me


• when I will get to start my family


• if Atlanta is a new opportunity or me just running away


• how many books I can really read at once without getting them all jumbled up in my head


• why my Mom is always right


• can I really have a child just like me, 'cause that would be all bad


• if my life will ever be more than mediocre


• why I love shoes SO MUCH and clothes only this much


• where I can get cute dresses that would totally flatter my killer legs


• when my income will match my tastes


• why everyone isn't as fashion concious as my family


• why he still makes me blush


• why his touch can make my heart melt


• if he'll ever get his act right so that I can break this celibacy


• if I'm completely insane for going 7 months without nookie


• what it will take to get nookie off the brain


• why my mom's dog is licking the laptop


• if telling on Ethan was the right thing to do


• how Ethan's going to get back at me for getting him in trouble


• how the hell does Twitter work


• why don't carrots taste like cake? I'd definitely eat more of them if they tasted like cake


• if I'm the only person in America that's had the same cell phone number for 8 years


• when I'm going to get to use my fancy phone that I bought on Black Friday


• why I procrastinate over nothing


• if I can swing an awesome gift for my Mom AND get myself two new pairs of shoes

photo source

Emergency Intervention

I have 5 whole blog posts that I have written on paper and just need to translate to cyberspace. Right now, they all will make the cut but it's quite possible that somebody will get cut. I can only hope that I did my experiences some justice.

But right now, I've got some heavy stuff on the brain.

It's no secret that I could use more cash. Ok! We could all use more cash.

But this job. That I hate. Just put TWO GRAND on the table to be collected in October. Meaning, I could bust ass all summer, earn this money, and then not get it because I'd be in Atlanta.

The first thing I thought was, "Those sons of bitches. Don't they know I'm trying to get the fug out of here and never come back?". But I know that they know that I'll always try to get more money. I'm in sales. It's the one professions where greed is a positive character trait.

So, here I am. Wondering out loud if I should wait just one more month and collect that check whatever it may be. I feel like I'm on an episode of Deal or No Deal. Only, this is my life and my sanity.

And, in addition to all of that, one of my old field reps/very good friend just got word that he may be getting back into our industry in this territory. It's like The Universe is sending me its siren call.

So much to think about, not enough vodka.

Debt Relief

I just checked my bank account and guess what? There's over $30 in there!! Whoot!!

Now, I know what you must be thinking (especially if you do not now and have never lived paycheck to paycheck). How can she be excited about $30? Here's how. My rent? Paid. My car? Paid. My utilities? Paid. That's right, people. Check. CHECK. CHECK!!!

This time four months ago, I'd be crying, wondering how I'm going to pay my rent (or worst, how to phrase the late letter to my landlord) because I'd over spent on other things that I thought I needed and/or could afford and actually could not. Or I would be in the midst of a tragic battle with my [former] roommate because I had planned on her having her share of the expenses and she would fail... again.

Forcing myself to rely only on me has been difficult. And I'm not going to sit here and pretend like I haven't taken loans from family because I have. And I fully intend to pay those back, but right now, I'm going to bask in the glow of this moment. When I checked my online statement and it matched my paper register and they both told me the same thing. That all creditors are paid and I still have something left over.

Good things are creeping in. :D

Come ooooonnnn, Freedom!

The weather has been anything but frightful these last two weeks. It's supposed to be 50 on Saturday believe it or not! Do you know what that means? It means that I will make some money again!! I work in a seasonal industry. Spring is our season. I can hardly wait. Because this is how I currently feel:

There are so many things I want to do. Like pay off the last of my GL student loan, pay my Discover and Capital One cards off, and work with my trainer. I've missed him these last cold months. And the fact that I've gained 12 'el-bees' since October hasn't gone unnoticed to me. He's even offered me 1/2 off my sessions (although he won't commit to a number).

Sure, right now I should be stressing about balancing my bank account or paying off the mailbox full of bills that I have yet to open. But all I can see ahead of me are the green backs that lead to my freedom. Freedom from debt. Freedom from oppression. Freedom from collectors. So much freedom. I can already smell its sweet nectar.

Oh! And I just got the P90X. Well, my mom just got it. She bought 2 by accident and I'm buying one from her in $23 monthly installments. Nice, huh? Maybe I can quit the gym after all.