About Me: Because You Can Never Put Too Much Info On the Internet

001. Real name → J Hyphen Bird
002. Nickname(s) → J-Bird (the hyphen is silent)
003. Birthday → August 12, 1885
004. Zodiac sign → Sagittarius
005. Male or female → I Haz Girly Bitz
006. Elementary → Robert P Ulrich
007. Middle School → Old Mill Middle North
008. High School → Greater Grace Christian Academy
010. Hair color → Dark Brown #2
011. Long or short → the pack says 14"
012. Loud or Quiet → obscene
013. Sweats or Jeans → Sexy butt hugging jeans
014. Phone or Camera → Phone, always
015. Health freak → If Oreos and Home-made cakes are healthy
016. Drink or Smoke? → Drinks, plural, with an 's'
017. Do you have a crush on someone? → My baby
018. Eat or Drink → Drinks, lots of 'em
019. Piercings --> Ears and Nose
020. Tattoos --> in secret places
021. Water or Fire → I'm a Fire Sign if that helps.
022. Chocolate or Vanilla--> Mocha Almond Fudge

FIRSTS:
023. First fear → Evil People with nothing better to do than look for ways to hurt others
024. First best friend → Melanie
025. First award → There was one in Kindergarten but we'll go with being skipped a grade. Whootah!
026. First crush → Michael Vasquez: The green-eyed, red-haired friendship ruiner.
027. First Pet → Brownie. Most awesome dog E.V.E.R.
028. First big vacation → That cross country road trip that only our parents enjoyed.
029. First Boyfriend/Girlfriend--> Jerry... aaaaahhhhhh!!!
030. First big birthday → 21. My friends made it awesome!

THIS OR THAT:
031. Orange or Apple Juice--> apple
032. Rock or Rap--> 50 Cent. Puuuurrrrrr!!!!!
033. Country or Screamo--> Country
034. N'Sync or Backstreet Boys--> N'Sync. Pfffft... 'cause it was a competition?
035. Brittney Spears or Christina Aguliera--> Mrs. Federline in all her trashy glory
036. Night or Day--> night fo' sho'
037. Sun or Moon--> Moon. I even clean at night.
038. TV or Internet--> Internet, it's how I keep in touch.
039. Playstation or Xbox-->Wiiiiiiiiiiiii
040. Kiss or Hug--> Kisses all day.
041. Iguana or Turtle--> Turtle, but not the squished one that Klea tried to eat.
042. Spider or Bee--> laby bug
043. Fall or Spring--> Spring
044. Limewire or iTunes--> Pandora
045. Pepsi or Coke--> Pepsi
046. Soccer or Baseball--> Footbaaaawwwwwwwwllllllllllllllllllllll
047. McCain or Obama--> 6 in one hand...
048. Snow or Sand--> Beaches

CURRENTLY:
049. Eating → peas
050. Drinking → water
051. Wearing--> professional clothes that make me look like an experienced renter
052. I'm about to → go outside
053. Listening to → people type
054. Plans for today → pack more boxes, be more crafty, clean more rooms, see more comedy, find more job listings
055. Waiting for → opportunity to knock so that I can answer.
056. Where--> this place they call hell
057. Thinking about--> mommyhood

YOUR FUTURE:
058. Want kids? four little mixed babies
059. Want to get married? → If he will add to my life and not take away from it
060. What careers do you have in mind→ Why do I have to have more than one? Who the hell did you write this questionnaire for?
061. Where do you want to live--> It used to be Barcelona but I hear that Hawaii doesnt have bugs
062. Suburbs or City--> A country village
063. Want to be famous--> Of course not, I just want to be rich.
064. Believe in 2012--> If the Mayans were right then why aren't they here now?
065. Rich or Middle Class--> Rich, Bitch!
066. "Traditional" Marriage; Wife home, husband working--> Sure, if it happens but that's actually my plan AX. I've got a lot of other ideas about why my life will look like.
067. When do you want to die--> after my children are all raised and productive members of society and at the same time as my lover.

WHICH IS BETTER WITH GIRL/ BOY
068. Lips or eyes → Eyes, always.
069. Smart or Funny--> Brawn
070. Shorter or taller? → Giantesque
071. Blonde or Brunette--> eh.
072. Romantic or spontaneous → romantic (so contradictory, right?)
073. Nice stomach or nice arms → Arms
074. Sensitive or loud → Neither. I don't need poems and I want to be able to hear the next joke. Sue me.
075. Hook-up or relationship → relationship
076. Similar or Different--> Similar Likes, Different styles
077. PDA--> yum!
078. Going out or Staying in--> both
079. Movie or Dinner--> dinner

HAVE YOU EVER:
080. Lost glasses/contacts → uh, duh.
081. Ran away from home → regularly and then I finally stayed gone.
082. Held a gun/knife for self defense --> I was taught how to and then when I thought I had to I ended up pulling it on my fiance'. #truestory
083. Killed somebody → 's dream? yes.
084. Been Heartbroken → ah, memories.
085. Been arrested → close but no cigar
086. Done something you regretted right away--> No regrets; no use
087. Cried when someone died → every time.
088. Laughed so hard you peed your pants--> maybe. who wants to know?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
089. Yourself → everyday
090. Miracles → life is a miracle.
091. Love at first sight → that's not love
092. Heaven → I believe in living life to the fullest
093. Santa Claus → of course!
094. Sex on the first date → No
095. Kiss on the first date → But never on the lips.
096. Happily Ever After--> there will always be spots on the mirror

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now → yes
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life → I am happy with myself but I am looking for more from certain aspects of my existance.
099. Are you writing this note as an excuse to procrastinate--> What? Me? Procrastinate? Pu-shah!
100. Was this boring? Naaaahhhh.... I learned a lot... about... myself?

Whatsamattame?

I'm angry.

And this isn't an anger that's focused on just one area or being. I'm angry at everything.

I'm angry at myself: For keeping feelings bottled up inside that I know deserve to be set free. For being afraid to express my feelings for fear of losing something precious. For allowing the pain and sorrow to wash over me. For feeling shame at my own choices. For succumbing to failure. For making excuses. For letting others control me and my emotions. For failing to be true to myself.

I'm angry at my mother: For being selfish. For keeping secrets. For stealing precious moments with my grandmother. For acting as though she is the only one with anything to lose. For being passive-aggressive. For feeling entitled. For treating me like my life was, and still is, a burden. For being the first to find fault in others but the last to find fault in herself. For always finding a way to be condescending. For not acknowledging the wrong she has done. For jumping to negative conclusions. For never giving praise. For burdening me with her responsibilities.

I'm angry with God: For all of the pain and suffering. For being a lie. For letting the good and faithful die. For standing by while the innocent are destroyed. For giving much to those who have never earned it. For making some people weak. For forcing the rest of us to be strong. For taking the last that some have. For taking glory for all that is good. For deflecting the credit for all that is bad.

I'm angry with my uterus: For carrying a baby when my soul wasn't ready. For causing me unbearable pain. For possibly being unable to carry again. For not wanting to carry for me now.

I'm angry with Palmer: For not having the courage to take a chance on something new. For not having the sense to know a good deal when he sees one. For reneging on his offer. For not knowing his place in my life. For trying to be more to me than I wanted him to be. For being angry when I turned him down. For not being man enough to say what it is he really feels. For taking away my opportunity. For making a liar out of me.

I'm angry with my job: For being less than I deserve. For holding me captive. For wanting more from me than they've earned. For making me feel like I am less than enough. For degrading me everyday. For filling my heart with sadness. For making me hard toward the world. For making me skeptical of people's true intentions. For making me wary of tomorrow. For killing me slowly. For taking the best of me and using it in the worst way.

I'm angry with my money: For seeming less plentiful than it ever has before. For being essential to my well-being. For barely providing my needs. For running from me and landing nowhere. For not being enough.

I'm angry with my heart: For still being broken. For not knowing how to heal. For not wanting to heal. For bleeding for the weak. For breaking for the poor. For being so easily damaged. For growing harder daily. For forgetting how to love. For abandoning hope.

I'm angry with imitators: For not seeing this trait in themselves. For thinking that it's flattering. For hovering around others lives. For taking only the good parts of others. For not being secure in themselves. For making it hard for you to be yourself.

I'm angry with my father: For still not being around. For using my age as an excuse not to assist or provide. For being a mediocre adult. For being a weak person. For being a crier. For being able to help but not wanting to. For being given new opportunities. For being given free room and board. For teaching me not to trust others. For still choosing others over me.

I'm angry with people that judge me: For not knowing my reasons. For not having confidence in me. For thinking that everyone should be like them. For being intolerant. For accusing me of being selfish.

Giving Thanks

There are some things in life that we just let pass us by without proper acknowledgement. It's funny that when you read this list, you may say to yourself, "Why is she thanking him/her/it/them? They didn't do anything special". But the truth of the matter is that they have done something special by doing just one small thing right and they deserve to be recognized for it. Because, believe me, if they did something wrong, you would aaaaalllllllll know it before they were out of ear shot.

1. To the cleaning crew at work - thank you for scraping off that dried, bloody booger that was on the wall in stall 4. I don't know who put it there and I hate them just as much as you do. Yes, I wish their toothbrush had been here for you to use also.

2. Nice people at the Drive-Thru window - on a day like yesterday where my air conditioner was being a 1st class cow, I was not in the mood to deal with anything including my greasy face, my sweaty skin, or my frizzy hair. All I really wanted was to bring my body temp down about 10 degrees. That's where the BK drive-thru guy comes in. He handed me my large-sized Dr. P and my large-sized Cherry Icee without comment or judgement. He even kept silent when I squealed in delight. For a brief second, he was my hero.

3. My paycheck - I'm always ready to tell it off when it's acting a jack or mysteriously short, but I never take the time to thank it for being enough to supply all of my needs and most of my wants.

4. The Deleted Folder in my Outlook - This folder will never know how many times a day it has saved me from the brink of insanity or kept me from having to bop someone upside their skull to bring things to their recollection. Instead, I just pull up that email from February 8, 2009 and offer you a rock-solid refesher.

5. Baked Goods - I love them in every form and on days like today I'm going to devour them.

6. Sports that aren't Baseball - you all rock. All of you. Yeah, even you lacrosse. There's something about the physical contact that gets me. Those baseball jocks are a bunch of pansies. Whining about outs and balls and bad calls. How about I take this ball and kick it towards your face?!? Huh!?! Yeah... that's what I thought.

7. MMA Fighters - Y'all aren't pretty but it's not really pretty that I'm after. I love the knowledge that my man could kick your man's ass. Puuurrrrrrrrrr!

8. Nail Techs - You don't talk much and you are always trying to upsell me on some solar polish but DAMN if you don't do brilliant work. I <3 you, for real though.

9. My Boobs - Sometimes, you weigh my shoulders down and make me feel like I'm carrying a watermelon, but I love you. We've been together so long that I kinda can't imagine life without you.

10. To All of the Relationships that Didn't Work Out - You were all bitches for treating me the way you did but you all taught me something too. Once, I learned that I was too forgiving. Another time I learned that it's ok to have bounderies. One of you taught me that in my deepest core I am NOT a Gold Digger and wouldn't allow someone to buy my dignity. Most recently, you taught me not to allow my mother to get involved. At the time we were together, I'm sure I hated you; I hate some of you still. But I learned from you, so, thanks for that.

Kisses --

J-Bird

No More Jive Turkey

My grandmother raised me. She taught me to walk, to talk, to potty, to cook, to eat, to pray and to love. I remember racing across the room to jump in her chair and declare myself the winner (she let me win every time). I remember every silly superstition (don't split poles with people you love!). I remember every family tradition (always take a broom, a dollar, and a loaf of bread to your new house). I remember every secret recipe (rice pudding, anyone?).

I remember her holding my hand and walking me to school. I remember her helping me with my homework, mostly by reading the instructions out loud. I remember every after school treat. I remember her teaching me about love, life, and morals by way of "The Young and The Restless", "The Bold and The Beautiful", and "Another World".

I remember the late night conversations about boys. I remember the hand-written letters and personally selected cards. I remember every hug and every encouraging word. I remember how often she told me that I made her proud.

I remember when she got breast cancer. I remember when she chose to have a double mastectomy. I remember caring for her that whole summer. I remember the way she cried when she tried to thank me aloud. I remember the hug and kiss were enough.

I remember how hard she worked to care for her father at the end. I remember how frail he looked, how weak he was, and how hard she cried when he finally died. I remember walking with her to his grave every year to take him flowers.

I remember the day they took her driver's license. I remember the day I noticed her hair was all gray. I remember the first time I saw her fall. I remember having to convince her to leave her home so she could be somewhere safe.

My Gramma is dying and the thought that there won't be anything else to remember is too much to bear.

To My Future Self

I got this idea from Andrea over at a cake for a wife. It’s important that I am honest here and if something I say here offends you then my only suggestion is that you stop reading and move forward with your life.

I had a dream a few nights ago. It started out with me entering a small restaurant with no way for me to get to my final destination. Before I could mope about the unfairness of it all, one of Mrs.G’s bridesmaids, Madison and her friend come in and offer me a ride. I’m trying to get to this hotel where I’ll be getting married (finally!). We get there and it’s a huge circle. We can’t figure out how to get to the entrance or even where it is! So Madison drives her car across the grounds and on to the runway that I will be strutting down the very next day. I climb into a window and into my Bridal Room.

My gown is there (and it’s Ab-Fab even though it’s not something I would pick out for myself; too couture-y). Anyways, I’m in this room and I set all my stuff down and start looking for a way to get to the front desk. This room is just one massive circle. The crazy part is that between every Bridal Suite is a Groom’s Chambers. I check inside each and every one looking for an exit to the main lobby. I even walk in on one unsuspecting groom as he steps from the shower, but still I’m at a lost. I finally lie down in the center and fall to sleep.

The next morning when I awake, I go into my Bridal Suite and climb out of the very same window. There are people everywhere bustling around prepping for the massive number of wedding that will be taking place. I also see my ex-personal trainer. He’s there with his wife and he’s dressed e x a c t l y like her. Exactly. Same skinny jeans. Same fuchsia top. Same honey-blonde hair crimped to hell and teased to the sky (here’s hoping his was a wig).

We engage in small talk. “What are you doing here?”, “Me too!”, “That’s so sweet.”, “I love how you two match each other.”, “Haha! That’s such a cute idea.” I walk away and over hear someone ask Trainer, “How do you know Jen?” and he says, “I’m a personal trainer. I used to train her but you can’t tell”. It broke my heart in my dreams, it breaks my heart now.

So, I’m writing these things to my Future Skinny Self. These ten things are vastly important and a must read for the new sexy me. Here goes…


1. Nobody is watching you.

It’s important that I help you understand that other people have lives too. Sure, they’re not as interesting as yours. I completely agree that they could benefit from having you as a compadre, however, while you are wasting precious minutes stressing about that distant whisper, fleeting glance, or muffled giggle, they are doing exactly what you should be doing; living their lives.

2. You are not alone but you can’t wait on “them” to get your real life started either.

I (fat you) always had the ability but not the mental strength to keep at it alone. But you (skinny me) are stronger than that. You’re here now because of what you were willing to do on your own. So, pick up your bag, grab your keys and go already! I don’t know where and I really don’t care but just go. You’ll thank me for it later.

3. You weren’t as bad as you could have been.

With a family history of cancer and heart disease, not to mention your own cancer scares; one would think that I wouldn’t even be here to write you this letter. But they are wrong because we are blessed.

4. You were worst than you should have been.

I watched the scale climb and every added pound was an added weight to our shoulders. We know better and quite frankly, we are too fucking fabulous to look like this. I mean, a “bread basket”? Really? What the hell, dude? Not to mention the awkwardness that is reverse cowgirl.

5. Being so overweight was not okay and it was not normal

The sweating behind the knees, the muffin top in the jeans, the lethargy; these are bad signs. You know it. I know it. My knees know it. You have the body I haven’t seen since college. You are the way that we are supposed to be. It took a long time to get there; let’s not lose it again, ok?

6. It was an eating disorder.

The way you perceive food is all mental. It all started the first time you were told to finish all the food on your plate. It continued when you were treated with food for celebrations and in heartache. You need to understand that this is the only addiction from which you cannot abstain. You must have food to continue to live, but now that we’ve put it into perspective, I order you to use it only to nourish your body and never your soul. You think that those chips are going to taste soooooooooooo gooooooooood and then you look in the mirror and they bring you down again. Do you know how many times you’re going to regret NOT having cake or cookies or candy or pasta? Not one.

7. You can continue to cook/eat/live/be healthy.

I know that you know how to do it because you had to do it to look as good as you do. Just keep it up. What we’ve got going here is a way of life. Don’t stop. Now that we’ve got your body, I never want mine back.

8. It was worth the journey.

I know it was a long, hard, lonely road to travel but now that it’s done, don’t you feel much better? Can’t you breathe better? Don’t you love going into every store knowing that you can try anything on? Aren’t you sure that guy is checking out your ass? Yes, Yes, and Yes!

9. The healing will begin when you allow it to.

I have many scars. I have a tendency to hold on to everything for forever. You have the power to change that.

10. Don’t be a slut.

Remember Freshman Year in college when we lived in an off-campus apartment on “Frat Row” with THREE SENIORS? Yeah, let’s not live like that anymore.

Thankful Thursday

I wasn't in the mood to be thankful last week. I'm not really in the mood to be thankful today either. Just know that I'm faking this harder than a GILF. Yeah, I went there... GILF. Think about it. They don't really wanna be there. They're all old and crunchy. Except for Betty White, of course. She's just a little dusty.*



But all-in-all, I'm making this list of things that I'm thankful for.



Wanna read it? Here't goes.

• time - I know this sounds silly but knowing that I can never get it back makes each moment so precious


• vacation time - I won't get to spend mine doing anything except sleeping, drooling, writhing in pain and riding in a car for 8 hours each way, but hey! I'm getting paid to do it. Right? Eh...


• pay checks - God knows I need mine and don't know what I would do without a regular one


• menstrual cycles - it's a little reminder from Jesus that I'm not pregnant


• Excedrin PMS - it keeps me from cuttin' a bitch.


• candles - *deep breaths*


• nosey neighbors - if I ever really am in trouble, I know that they'll be able to correctly identify the perpetrator.


• fuckin' Emo, long-hair-dyeing, fake-blood-making, skinny-jean-wearing, off-key-singing, no-talent-having, sommabitches that move back in with your downstairs neighbor - because you are an exercise in patience.

*If you had to click on the link to get the joke then the joke's on you because that is the best skit of this season! If, like me, you clicked on the link because you will use any excuse to relive that moment, well then... you're alright.

Paranoia Sets In

There's nothing I like more than getting packages in the mail. I actually have one waiting for me right now as I type:

Jun 7, 2010 9:49 AM
Delivered
In the Middle, OH
Left at front door. Signature Service not requested.

I am as giddy as a 16-year-old boy preparing to get his first blow job. This is the kind of excitement that you just can't manufacture. I mean, yes, I ordered the items and yes, I knew they were coming but you must understand two things. 1) These are BRAND NEW something-somethings that I just had to have and have been waiting (semi-) patiently for and 2) They are finally here! There's the anticipation of finally getting to hold my package. Then I get to rip it open. I'm going to admire my new things and place them accordingly. And finally, my life will feel complete because I have these new things and they just so happened to be the things that I never knew I needed. And that's just with stuff I actually order.

So imagine the state of perpetual orgasm I must live in when surprise packages show up at my door. It's almost too much to bear. That's why the Package Project seemed like such a good fit for me. I would get my very own surprise package created just for me from someone in a mysterious location somewhere in the world.

The problem with this line of thinking and way of living is that I am not, in fact, taking my Grammy's advice. You know the advice. That little thought in the back of your head that says that this is just a ploy for someone to get your personal information so that they can stalk you, come to your house in the dead of night, slay you and then steal your identity.

Whenever this happens, I punt Grammy's voice to the far reaches of the black forest where it can't bother me with its nonsensical logic. But recently, Grammy's voice managed to meander its way back into my head. I mean, What the F*ck, Grammy*!! Because now, I feel like a total douche. Why? Well, words aren't enough.

Do you see what I mean? It's been 11 days since I've given out myyyyyy address and gotten no response from this person. I mean, I just don't understand it. When she (as they presumed to be) first emailed me it was so sweet and endearing. Just a 19-year-old, Australian girl that loves to read and was just as crazy excited about this project as I was. She said that she wanted to know the basics. I told her my age and that we share a love of books. I even told her about my Corgi. I felt as if I could hear her engaging little Aussie accent come through all her messages. So why is it that I feel like I need to be constantly peering over my shoulder looking for a Tom Bundy look-alike?

I'm scared people. I'm afraid that should I actually receive a package it will contain standard stalker photos of me (ie; me and The Boy, me going to work, me pumping gas, me picking a wedgie). Or an audio tape of all my faked orgasms. Or worst, a pair of ugly shoes that are actually in my size! SSSSSSHHRRRRIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!

I just want to say that if anything bad happens to me, I want this blog to serve as my memorial. Be sure to fill it with tons of crude jokes and penis humor. That's the only way to stay true to my life.

*Please know that I would never talk to my Grammy this way. She's the sweetest, most wonderful Grammy in the whole world. Not to mention she raised me for the whole first half of my life and wouldn't hesitate to put the pimp-hand on me or in other words "fatten my lip".

Update: I received an email from my package partner. It had her mailing address and everything. I'm so excited now because if she does decide to stalk me I can stalk her right back. Ha!The slogan by which I now live my life: Blogging: It gets shit done.