Friendship Smoothie

Yum, right?

Editor’s Note: This is not the post I promised but I felt like this story needed to be told. You can read about bigotry anytime but people with gymnasium-sized insecurities are few and far between.

I keep my friends separate. And it’s because I’m selfish.

I have going-out friends, house party friends, work friends, dinner friends, comedy club friends, Celebration friends, cry-it-out friends, does-this-make-my-ass-look-fat friends, and…

Breaking News!: MY BOSS JUST FOUND HIS COFFEE CUP! Whooooot! That’s a record 48 minutes right there. Normally, this game can last for days.

But the point is: I know a variety of people and I like them all for different reasons.

My Wine-and-Housewives friends are not the kind of people who cry it out. When I’m with them and I’m having man problems, we bitch it out. It’s less, “Awww… that’s so sad” and more “I know people”.

Last night, I went to a hookah bar with my friend Averi. Averi and I met many, many moons ago and we were clubbing friends. Until the day we were at the bar and she said, “Guys, I’m getting married”. I was the only one who took her seriously and that’s why we’re still close. So 4 years later, her with a 2YO and me planning for babies, we still get together whenever she’s in town and catch up like she’s just been living up the street.

This time she brought her friend Staci. I’ve never met Staci and I don’t need to compete with Staci but she needed to compete with me…

Staci (to Averi): Give me some money. I only have $10.

I hand Staci $3 to cover my share of whatever it is that she just bought without asking my opinion.

Staci (to Averi again): Why does she give me money and you don’t? Ahahhahahahaa!

I don’t see how that’s funny at all.

And you wanna know what else? I don’t like Staci. She’s a horrible person with major insecurities.

We start talking about Rollback (you will learn more tomorrow) and...

Averi: J-Bird, you dated that NFL player, right?

Me: Yeah (pause for breath)

Staci: Well, I dated that NHL player. Remember, Av?

Since I dated a personal trainer, then she whipped out her phone to show us the admittedly super sexy and realistically not sleeping with her half-naked man in her phone.

I was in the middle of my story about The African when she began her heart wrenching tale of being physically abused by her step-father for 5 years. When I tried to show sympathy, what I got in return was, “Well, it doesn’t bother me now. He knows if he tries it again I’ll cut his nuts off and slit him from sternum to sternum”. Ummm, ok? Or should I say WTF, dude!

It was the most exhausting 72 minutes of my life. It was like I was 3YO and Averi was Staci’s favorite toy and instead of letting me sit and play too she’d rather piss all in the sandbox. And I’m too old for that shit.

I’ve never had a conversation where someone was proud to be the most abused person in the group. She even had the audacity to ask me if she could get married on my family’s property in Savannah. The look on my face must have said it all because Averi chimed in quickly about money.

I hate other people’s friends. At first it was just a mild distate because this is a part of you that I don't know about and quite possibly am not at all interested in. I respect your right to have many facets to your personality. But please, on behalf of all people who hate their friends' friends, keep that bitch away from me.

Sometimes, I Wonder...

• if I'll ever be the kind of woman that men write songs about


• if I'll find my place in this world


• whether bankruptcy is my best option


• when I'll be properly motivated to lose this weight


• if I can reclaim my inner flirt


• what it will take to snag Mr. Right For Me


• when I will get to start my family


• if Atlanta is a new opportunity or me just running away


• how many books I can really read at once without getting them all jumbled up in my head


• why my Mom is always right


• can I really have a child just like me, 'cause that would be all bad


• if my life will ever be more than mediocre


• why I love shoes SO MUCH and clothes only this much


• where I can get cute dresses that would totally flatter my killer legs


• when my income will match my tastes


• why everyone isn't as fashion concious as my family


• why he still makes me blush


• why his touch can make my heart melt


• if he'll ever get his act right so that I can break this celibacy


• if I'm completely insane for going 7 months without nookie


• what it will take to get nookie off the brain


• why my mom's dog is licking the laptop


• if telling on Ethan was the right thing to do


• how Ethan's going to get back at me for getting him in trouble


• how the hell does Twitter work


• why don't carrots taste like cake? I'd definitely eat more of them if they tasted like cake


• if I'm the only person in America that's had the same cell phone number for 8 years


• when I'm going to get to use my fancy phone that I bought on Black Friday


• why I procrastinate over nothing


• if I can swing an awesome gift for my Mom AND get myself two new pairs of shoes

photo source

Why, Yes I Am!

Yesterday evening, I went with a friend to check out a product that he sells. He and I are both very determined to be independently wealthy and so are always open to new opportunities. Basically, we're the new Amway generation. Most people that enter into Multi-Level Marketing or MLM do it for extra cash, vacations they can't afford, or because a smooth talker convinced them that they too could get rich quick! But Chad and I are different. We are hustlers. We are champions. We are determined to at least make back the money we invest.

What Chad didn't know was that I've been in MLM since I was old enough to sign a contract. So I've been there, done that, and can tell you who will and who won't be around six months from now. All that aside, his goal was to recruit me. I can't blame him, as anyone in MLM will tell you, ask absolutely everyone you've ever met because that is the only way that you are guaranteed success in your own business.

Last night, I'm sitting talking with the local Regional Director and I can see the lust (for me to be in his downline) in his eyes. He asked what business opportunities I had previously been a part of and I shared, including the one I currently participate in. The mental war between us was intense. He, the hunter, trying to keep his heartbeat in check so as not to lead off his prey. Me, the hunted, knowing my predator and that I possess the only thing he currently wants. The dance was careful and calculated. And then he caressed me with words soft like Angel Whispers. Yes, he guessed my age and pegged me a year low!

That's right! According to this man I not only don't look my age but I, in fact, look younger. As a single, twenty-something, non-white, professional woman, I was floored and totally took it as a compliment. The giggling and blushing persisted for at least 60 seconds. Unfortunately for him, I snapped back into business mode the moment he mentioned compensation packages and products. I find their compensation program lacking in incentives and the quality of their products inferior. But I told him to keep me updated. This MLM is still young. If it were a child it'd still be wearing diapers. They will find their way. And when he can feed me a cookie that doesn't taste like carob and cardboard, I just might reconsider.