Truth Be Told

It's not everyday that I lose my cool and air all my business online. Yes, I know that I currently maintain four blogs and you should totally stop judging. But the reality of it is that I tell all my business to you. The chosen few who have decided that I can, at times, be entertaining.

I try to keep my internet and real lives from bleeding into each other too much. Which should explain why I was surprised that she knew my name. The Scropio's girlfriend, I mean. She knew my name.

I've been angry with him for months. Not because I can't trust him;  I already knew that. I've been angry because of all the lies. I'm naive enough to believe that if I give you license to sow your wild oats you should have no cause to spew falseness. Because even though I agreed to having string-less encounters, I never expected to be lied to. I should have known better.

Her name is Abrielle. And the 25th would have been their one-year anniversary. Would have. It's such a sad phrase. She came to me because in a fit of anger I blasted The Scorpio for being the "lying, cheating son of a bitch with no respect for anyone including [himself]" that he is. And I did it on Twitter. She saw it and wondered what would make another woman, a simple friend from high school, so angry.

So she messaged me and asked if we could talk. I'll be honest with you. Based on our brief encounter months ago, I was expecting to be yelled at by a gold-tooth-sporting, bra-less, God-less cretin . What I got instead was a kindhearted, soft-spoken, wounded, professional woman in search of the truth.

I told her that how he and I dated four years ago and that he cheated on me throughout our relationship. I never told any of you this, but none of his friends knew we were dating. They thought I was just another harlot in his harem. And if you ask him when he and I broke up, he'll give you the wrong story.

I told her how he tweeted me in February, how we had an easy-going dinner where he swore he'd never done any of the horrible things to me that he was admitting having done to past lovers. Then we started sleeping together in March and it continued through late May.

I told her how he called me by her name.  How that inspired an even bigger fight between us. I told her about being at his football game because he asked me to. She remembers the bet. He was smart enough to tweet about it.

I told her how I asked why he was still worrying with her. After all, she was just an ex that wouldn't let go. Someone that he had tried to block on Twitter but one of her suitors was feeding her information from his time line. I told her that he painted her as a wild woman who showed up at his job and attacked me online for no reason.

I told her how he would be in my house, on my couch with me while texting her. I told her how I asked him outright if he was sleeping with her while sleeping with me. I told her that he said yes.

At first, I'm sure she didn't believe me. Or at least, didn't want to. What woman wants to be on the phone with their boyfriend's lover? But it's hard not to believe someone with a vivid memory of the 13 weeks that they allowed your boyfriend into their bed. It also helps that I put a good bit of it on the internet for the whole world to peruse and explore.

I knew that every truth that spilled from my lips was a knife to her heart. But I couldn't stop. Not because I wanted to hurt her but because I wanted her to choose for herself. Abrielle has a right to know the truth and to make her decisions from that knowledge. No woman, no human being, deserves to be manipulated for another person's gain. Whether that gain be financial, romantic, or, simply, time.

There were some things that I kept from her because I was ashamed. I didn't tell her that I was jealous of her because I wanted to be validated in my righteous indignation. I wanted to be the wounded one and instead I was inflicting the pain. I didn't tell her how I cried the night I finally accepted that he'd been lying to me and that even the things he said then were more lies. I didn't tell her how he spoke softly and said that he was only trying to protect me. That he had hoped that one day I could find it in my heart to forgive him. (That's a quote.)

I didn't tell her about his half-birthday dinner where we talked about love and life and future. I didn't tell her that, at times, I thought that maybe he and I could start again. I didn't tell her that he swore that once upon a time, he had tried to show me that he loved me everyday.

I've been cheated on before. And I've been used in another man's scheme. Neither feels better than the other. They are both equal villains. I'm not ashamed of the role I've played in Abrielle's life and I'm not proud either. I'm sad that I was used to hurt her so deeply. I'm sad that it took me four years to see what I should have realized in three months.

I'm not going to 'thank' The Scorpio for being a douche canoe because he doesn't deserve it. This isn't something he should be proud of. But I will say that this time the  bridge has been doused in kerosene and set ablaze. And that's finally the truth.

Total Control

I laughed so hard my side started hurting. It was unreal to me at first. Mentally, I knew I was ok but my panicky side tried to kick in because I wasn't breathing and what I was experiencing just wasn't normal. I was laughing uncontrollably. It's quite possible that I wet myself a little bit.

Why?

Because he wants Total Control.

It doesn't read as funny as it sounds in my head but I promise you that it is.

I have control issues. This is not a secret.

Yesterday, a good friend asked me if I found myself in relationships with weak men because I am so strong and forceful. I told her "No" and that's the truth. I don't find myself in relationships with weak men because weak men don't have the courage to approach strong women. I find myself in relationships with strong men who perpetrate weakness thinking that it will appease me.

There's nothing I hate more than to ask a man where he wants to go for dinner and to receive "I don't care", "I don't know", or "You pick" as the response. If I had wanted to pick, I would have said, "Let's go to such-and-such for dinner" or "I feel like blankety-blank". Because the same person that tells you that you're an overbearing bitch who won't let him be a man is the same person who defers every decision (major or minor) to you.

I can't "let" you be a man. Either you are or you aren't. And if you were the man for me, we wouldn't be having this fight.

The best relationship of my life was with a complete and utter asshole. I loved him inside and out for all that he was and all that he offered. I trusted him with every fiber of my being. And it was only because he could make a decision. When J said something would get done, it got done. When he wanted to do something, he made it known. If he was unhappy, it was expressed. There was no moping around being sulky and passive-aggressive; I don't have time for that anyway.

I didn't trust J at first either. I lived through a lot of bull shit before I met him including a broken engagement. He watched me swoon over Sofa Guy and when he'd had enough of my whining and complaining he said, "Oh dear God! You're not his girlfriend! You're just some girl that he's f*cking!".

It's safe to say that I lost my shit all over him.

I told him to get out, get lost, and never come back.

Two weeks later my phone rang. I picked it up without uttering a syllable and he said, "Was I right?". I told him he was. "I didn't wanna be". He told me that he wanted to be with me. That nothing and no one else mattered. J said that if I could manage to get my head out of my ass I would see that he was in love with me. This is not the stuff that movies are made of but it's the kind of love that I need.

He knew that everyday with me was a test. I was waiting for him to make a promise that he wouldn't keep. I weighed everything he said hoping to find a lie. But he never let me down. And when I finally let myself, I fell so head-over-heels-bluebirds-singing-come-on-get-happy in love that giving him control came easy. I wanted to please him because he made me happy every single day. I knew that if I fell he'd be right there to catch me and in the off chance that he missed, he'd be there to pick me up. Who could want more than that?

Am I saying that we never argued? No, of course not. But he always stood his ground and sometimes we'd walk away angrier and with nothing settled but at least he let me walk away.

So many men are so possessive and afraid of losing me that I want to run away. There's something powerful about a man that knows I'm coming back. Sure, I'm angry. Sure, I'm leaving the room. But don't you know that I want you? How many ways do I have to say it/ show it/ live it before you really believe it? J always believed it. His belief in me, in us, made me believe it to.

These last five years without J have made me a much harder woman than I was before. Trusting doesn't come easy and my love doesn't come cheap. There are more steps on the path to Total Control. But if you really think you deserve it and you really think I'm worth it, quit your bitching and get on the trail.

Late Night Posting

Hello Dear Heart,

Welcome to J-Bird's After Hours Excuses. I haven't posted in two days because I simply don't have the motivation to write. As of right now, there are at least 3 other things I should be doing before I have to head back out of my incredibly messy house to go to family dinner. But fret not. I shall return and in greater form than when I left.

I know. I miss you too. It's ok. Little boy blue and the man on the moon. When am I coming home? Less than 24 hours. Promise.

P.S. - When a male friend asks you to "put him on", he doesn't mean that he wants you to put his hand on your boob although he won't immediately remove it. Rather, what he means is "will you talk to your friend for me because I like her and even though I act like I'm a grown man I'm really just a fragile little boy".

Good night, Loves.

It's The Hardest Thing I'll Ever Have To Do

No, not look him in the eye and tell him I don't love him. {B^)

Rather, its to keep my mouth shut. It's absolutely killing me. Because what I really want to do is tell him outright that he should see me trying and appreciate it, god dammit. But instead, I have decided to let the whole thing go. I made a list of pros and cons and let me tell you... cons, hands down.

Pros

• Attractive (Very)


• Dedicated to his plan


• Great Physique


• Focused on his business


• Driven


• Calm


• Fun and playful

Cons

• Attractive - I'm a very jealous person


• Plans without goals


• Ideas without a clear vision


• Atlanta - as in, he's not going with (worth 5 points)


• Less than 4 months 'til departure for Atlanta (worth another 5 points)


• Still lives at home without definitive plan to move out


• Fluctuating employment


• No desire to step into adulthood


• Refusal to be responsible for self


• Instability


• Not focused on building a relationship


• We broke up for a reason

That's just some of the stuff I wrote down. The lists went on for pages and included some raunchy stuff like, Pro - Grrrrrreat in bed and Pro - Huge cock, but since my mom reads this page I thought that'd be inappropriate to post.

And just one more. Con - I want this off my fucking brain already! The only way to do that is to trash the wrapper.

The Thing About Being Me

The thing about being me is that if I weren't me I wouldn't be my friend.

I overanalyze, overreact, and procrastinate within an inch of the sanity of all those around me. And then, in the end, I usually walk away from the whole thing like it was just another Burger King wrapper. When the "end of the day" finally comes, whatever issue I was fretting over will have been diagnosed so carefully, so thoroughly that it's just a remnant of what it was or could have been. This.drives.me.crazy.

I want to change this part of me. I want to be that person that is firm in their decisions and willing to take chances... in relationships, of course. Because in life, if it looks like I might have fun or wet my pants, I am in, 110% in, all in, like in poker. I'm just in it. No questions. No hesitation. No trepidation.

But men? Men are my cause for pause. And I wasn't always this way. I used to be in it. All up in it. Then there was one. And he was my Only One. And I knew that we would be together forever. But then we weren't. And it hurt so much that I could only think of him without crying 3 years after he was gone.

Not to say that I haven't dated since then, but I will say that everyone in between was just another wrapper. I waltzed in, took what I wanted and then discarded them when I was done. But this guy is like a trick candle. He won't be blown out. And the truth is that I don't want him to be.

This is where I'd like to be someone who doesn't overanalyze, overreact, or procrastinate. Because while I'm doing all of that I should be doing the girl thing and plotting how I'm going to snag my man. Instead, I'm driving the people in my life absolutely batty over my indecision - and perhaps my resistance to change.

Everyone agrees that we need to talk, but I am a Sag Girl and I know enough about me to know that keeping my mouth shut is the best option - for now at least. So, I'm attacking this in the best way I know how, as research. Of course, I will keep my lovelies updated, but as it stands, I'm working on a list of Pros and Cons. Next will come the list of feelings. There will be a couple of drafts. I'll probably share one or two with you and you may even get a psychotic rant. Only time will tell.

Until then my dears, know this: I will either sacrifice a small dream for the chance at true love or I will dwell on this until the ears of everyone in my life bleed.

Sometimes, I Wonder...

• if I'll ever be the kind of woman that men write songs about


• if I'll find my place in this world


• whether bankruptcy is my best option


• when I'll be properly motivated to lose this weight


• if I can reclaim my inner flirt


• what it will take to snag Mr. Right For Me


• when I will get to start my family


• if Atlanta is a new opportunity or me just running away


• how many books I can really read at once without getting them all jumbled up in my head


• why my Mom is always right


• can I really have a child just like me, 'cause that would be all bad


• if my life will ever be more than mediocre


• why I love shoes SO MUCH and clothes only this much


• where I can get cute dresses that would totally flatter my killer legs


• when my income will match my tastes


• why everyone isn't as fashion concious as my family


• why he still makes me blush


• why his touch can make my heart melt


• if he'll ever get his act right so that I can break this celibacy


• if I'm completely insane for going 7 months without nookie


• what it will take to get nookie off the brain


• why my mom's dog is licking the laptop


• if telling on Ethan was the right thing to do


• how Ethan's going to get back at me for getting him in trouble


• how the hell does Twitter work


• why don't carrots taste like cake? I'd definitely eat more of them if they tasted like cake


• if I'm the only person in America that's had the same cell phone number for 8 years


• when I'm going to get to use my fancy phone that I bought on Black Friday


• why I procrastinate over nothing


• if I can swing an awesome gift for my Mom AND get myself two new pairs of shoes

photo source

The Sins of The Father...

Once upon a time, I was sitting at my computer logged onto MySpace. I wasn't looking to do anything except for update my status. I was getting dressed to go out that night. It was a house party if I remember correctly and I'd just bought this yellow top and it was gonna be ON!



*ahem*



So, I was sitting at my computer and I got this message that was like, "J-Bird, baby. You need to call me like ASAP". I didn't know this person. I'd only ever met him once. The only reason I even remembered him is because of his name -- it's very non-traditional. Naturally, I thought something must be wrong and I wanted to fix it. So I called and he said everything was ok and asked if I wanted to talk and get something to eat.



I had already eaten but told him that another day would be better and we made plans. Now, I had to go and pick him up because he had no vehicle and he still lived at home. It's weird because looking back on it he was in blatant violation of 2 of my 3 rules. * Little did I know that he would violate all three.



But I go and pick him up and he wants to go to Applebee's. Ick! I'm not a fan of that place. But I went because like my father, I can find something on the menu anywhere I go. There really are only a handful of things I won't eat like insects, snakes, brains, feet, entrails, you know, logical stuff. But we go to dinner and I've got my hair up and he's wearing a ball cap and we are eating and talking and I want to know why he stood my sister up for Homecoming and then the check comes and there's only one and he takes it and it dawns on me that this is a date. Heh.



That's how I ended up dating The Scorpio three years ago.



That relationship was... taxing. I drove him around everywhere and he never paid for gas. The one time I forced it on him he did it begrudgingly and acted as if it were my civic duty to cart him 30 minutes in and out of town. He laughed so loud at jokes that I would miss the next one. He asked me to co-sign on a car loan once. I laughed so hard it hurt his feelings. But that's when I decided that I would never accept an on-line proposition again.



Enter The Cub. That's what we're gonna call him because the sweet little dear isn't even old enough to buy me a drink. He can't even get in unless it's teen night. Awwwww... I know, right? Now, I talk a good game but honestly, I'm not inspired to be absolutely mean to people unless they rub me the wrong way. And this one is trying so hard to rub me the right way that it's just too precious to resist.



He wants to "kno" me. Without the "w". Isn't it just the sweetest? Don't you just wanna sit down and get him hooked on phonics? 'Cause I do. I just want to have him meet me in the library and sit and teach him Etymology. I was a regional spelling bee champ, I owe it to the world to share my gift. Because all he is to me is an underaged, illiterate, faux 'gangsta' in need of guidance and a dictionary. I would text him that but I've got thumb cramps right now.


* 1. Thou must have thine own place.
2. Thou must have thine own transportation.
3. Thou must have gainful employment.

Dear Scorpio,

You and me, together, is quite possibly a bad idea. Actually, I polled people and it is, in fact, a bad idea. For who we were 3 years ago. But for who we are today? Well, let's review. I've grown to be incredibly paranoid but also much more comfortable with myself and who I am. You? Well, I notice that you've made some very positive changes.

You've gone from being a boy with no focus and goo-gobs of potential to being a man with his own business and target goals. You also have that rock hard body (which is super sexy to look at but a bitch to snuggle up against) and God knows that's a MEGA plus. And it's been 24 hours since you held me last but I can still feel you on my skin. You've also become extremely punctual which I love because it shows that you are taking other people into consideration. I love these things.

But we're so dangerously different. You are calm where I am manic. You are patient where I jump in. You are measured where I am overflowing. You operate with purpose while I insist on going with the tide. You see reason when all I can see are emotions. I can't figure out why you would be drawn to me, or vice versa for that matter. Well, at least you think my quips are funny.

What I do know is that you are on my mind constantly. And it is due, in part, to the fact that you are becoming a fixture in my life again. And as much as I would like to allow myself to free fall into your piercing gaze, I can't be sure that you would catch me. The feelings I had for you once are still there, lying dormant under layers of hurt and disappointment. I can't let you bring those to the surface unless you can promise to take care of them.

I've always been open with you and you've always known where I stand. I sometimes wish that I could get the same from you. I wish that it wasn't so hard to get inside your head. When I think of how hard it really will be to have a mature, adult relationship with you and I think about how much I'm going to have to change (albeit, for the better), I still want to try with you. I can only hope that is enough because trying's all I've got.

I can't tell you what we should do but we both know what we want to do. Maybe you could try jumping in with both feet. You might actually like it.

Missing Pieces

I am a rule follower.

It's what I do. And I'm damn good at it.

I don't make exceptions and I don't make excuses; for myself or anyone else.

So when I'm told that I didn't do something right I am always confused. Because I followed the rules. Your rules.

What I had to explain to my boss this morning (even after 5 years of working here) is that if you want me to make an exception for someone that you think is super awesome and above the rules that you made then you need to make a rule that usurps your original rule. Otherwise? He's screwed.

And EH4 stiiiiillll hasn't emailed me. I feel like I'm walking through the Romance Sahara and he was an icey glass of water in an oasis. I feel like I should have parents that are still madly in love and not just amicably co-existing on this planet. I feel like I should have left out the part about bug squishing being a requirement. I feel like I slept with him on the first date because I was overwhelmed by passion even though all the rules were saying I shouldn't. I feel like... crying.

Panic Sets In

I've been emailing/writing/getting to know EH4 all day. And while I should be working, I've only been doing that in between my emails to him. Somehow, this has made the day worth living through although I'm sure I'll pay for my indiscretions later.

Is it possible to have a crush on a person you've never even met?

Our Kind of Love

Today, Mrs. G and I were going through my eHarmony matches and I've got to say that the pickin's... they were slim.

However, it occured to me that only she and CBS111 were getting the pleasure of knowing how bad it really is. And that's why I'm going to post for you: "Best of eHarmony Rejects".

Now, I'm going to do this on my eHarmony one month anniversary. This will give me enough time to rifle through the dozens of matches I've closed for whatever reason. I promise it will be complete with pictures, spelling errors and chihuahuas in t-shirts.

So get ready, Bloggies. It's gonna be as good as you think.

Geek Like Me

It's here! My pin arrived on Friday and I was so excited to wear it. Now, the picture sucks because I've had the same phone since 2005 and refuse to upgrade or renew my agreement. You'll have to refer to this post if you want to know what it actually looks like. But I'm wearing it with pride people. You know you wish you were me. =)

On the dating front, I got an email from a new match*. None of that getting to know you junk for him, just straight through to email. Let me tell you. This guy was Ballsy. He's from South Carolina and already has two kids. Which isn't a big deal to me provided they are between 2 and 7. (Don't ask - that's just my thing.) But his email didn't really say anything great. He did say that I sound interesting. I am. And modest too. And he said to message him back if I thought he was interesting. So, I did, but I asked some questions because his profile was kind of lacking and we didn't go through the many steps of Guided Communication. I'll let you know how this pans out.

*Henceforth known as EH2. As in, eHarmony 2 because he's the second guy I've mentioned to you.

Now, I did meet EH1** on Saturday. I felt like I was in an interview to be a fetal incubator. The idea that I want to have children sometime before I'm thirty seemed to put him off in a bad way. Like that was too vague for him because he wants them NOW. Like, right now. And can't understand why I would wait so long. I had to explain that I would have them before thirty if I found the right guy but I'm not going to say, "Hey. I want kids. And I'm ovulating. You in?" That'd be ridiculous, right? Let's just say that I laughed and he didn't. I'm really hoping that I don't see him again.

**Because he was mentioned first in this post here.

And I talked with Ethan again. He's still on hold but feeling a little better about it. He got propositioned on MySpace. By a dude. I laughed until it hurt. You would have to know Ethan to understand why it's so funny. He handled it pretty well I thought. But I had to get on him about being so damned pretty. I mean, he's 6'4" and 180 lbs. He shaves his pits and has some of the prettiest feet you've ever seen. (If you get to see them, he won't go around barefoot for fear of developing callouses.) I've been telling him for years to bulk up. Basically he let the guy down easy and told him, very simply, that he doesn't feel the same and they can still be acquaintances but when he sees Ethan he "better talk with some bass in [his] voice". I 'bout died.

Dear J-Bird, You're an Uppity Bitch

They didn't use those exact words but that's the jest of the email sent to me by eHarmony this morning. Apparently, I'm too picky and I should reset my parameters so that they can find more appropriate matches for me.




They have asked me to clarify things such as distance, age, frequency of smokes and drinks, and even income. But they neglected to ask me about other things that are insanely important (if only to me). For instance, they care about whether or not he has some college but are neglecting to weed out the 5'4" chefs. Height is veeeeeery important to me. I'm 5'7" and very rarely am I without my 4" heels. So 5'4" is not okay.

Or grammar. They neglected to provide the "bar of importance" that measures their grasp of the English language. When I say that I care that my match makes as much or more than I do and that I care to level 7, then one would not imagine that you match me with an "unemploed" construction worker.

And while looks are not the most important thing in the world, I wonder how it is that it took 3 days for them to approve my profile pics and this fool got his posted complete with the essence of shower curtain.

What the fine algorithm at eHarmony is failing to understand is that I would go to the ends of the Earth to find The One. Seriously, I would pack my bags, look my boss in the face and tell him "To hell with you, I love this man". So eHarmony needs to get its head out of its ass and act right! Because I refuse to be judged for having standards, got dammit!

Now, I have upped my required age to 26 (to match my own) (I was trying to give the benefit of the doubt!) and I have upped the drinking and smoking limit (maybe I can change him?), and I told them to just find someone in this damn country.

So, now? We wait.

What Now?

Mmmmkaaayyy. Today, I received my first email from my very first eHarmony match. He lives just one town away and although he doesn't seem like the kind of guy I always dreamed of being with, I have to be realistic. I'm not the kind of girl I'd always dreamed of being. I mean, I am supposed to be Grace Kelly. And right now? Right now, I'm more like Kelly Osborne. So, yeah, I've got some work to do.

Plus, I think I'm going to give him a chance. He seems very sweet and has a few of the same goals that I do. And eHarmony prides themselves on matching people based on "29 different levels". So now the real question is: When should we meet face-to-face?

I'm actually really anxious about it because up until now, he was just some guy that couldn't get to me. He can't hurt me, judge me, or dislike me from cyberspace. Do I want to let him in? What if he doesn't like me for me? What the hell am I freaking out about? Why do I care what he thinks of me? Am I that fragile? What if it works out and I have to choose between him and Atlanta?!?

This is already exhausting and we haven't even met yet. *heavy sigh* I'm going to eat my little chicken pizza and drink my blueberry Izze while I stress about this in private.

Fiesty Friday

Warning: Today's Post is erratic in style and topics.

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Firstly (and of the utmost importance), today is Rebecca's 9th Birthday! Yaaaayyy!!! This little booger was already counting her birthday text messages at 8:30 this morning. Happy Birthday, Girlie -- here's to you!

Next, I just need everyone to know that I spent an hour last night looking for VitaTops. Why? Because I'm convinced that they are the answer to my snacky prayers. I want, want, want with a burning passion. I want so much that I almost ordered them online before they told me how much shipping would be. I don't want $8 in shipping. So, I'll be scouring the stores again tonight. Only this time, I'll be looking in the organic foods freezer section (like I should have last night).
(yes, please!) Click here to buy

My boss has been extra special. It's as though nobody on the sales team can do anything right. He's just been a down right ass. Hence the picture below.
Yesterday, I wrote an ode to eHarmony entitled "What the Hell - a Poem" because I couldn't get over how horrible some of the matches were that they sent me. But I put it in a helium-filled balloon and let it go. Mrs. G got me straightened out and I messaged two really great guys. *fingers crossed*

Happy Singles Awareness Day

Happy Singles Awareness Day to all of you that find yourself without a Significant Other this Sunday. Spend the day with friends playing poker, watching movies, drinking wine, exchanging little gifts, or anything else that makes you feel fun and free. Me and my girlfriends are planning a fun little girl's night filled with wine, tapas and Guitar Hero. Then there will be some pampering and a little spa time.

Maybe next year we'll have some of these...

Peanut Butter Bliss

I love peanut butter.

This is actually an understatement because I lust for peanut butter. There isn't anything that I won't put it on. And I have recently stumbled across http://www.ilovepeanutbutter.com/. It's a magical place where I can indulge myself in all things peanut buttery. I've taken advantage of their special offer this week and am already scouting around for stores in my area that carry their product. If you know of a place, please advise me quickly. I don't know how much longer my jars of sticky goodness will last.

Where Has the Time Gone?

We are less than two weeks into the new year and I'm not making much progress on my resolutions. Firstly, I can't begin to tell you if I'm losing weight because I have yet to go and purchase a scale. And it's been so long since I've been to the gym that I'm afraid to show my face because the last thing I said to my trainer was, "It's winter. Who cares if I get fat? No one can see it". But I know he'll see it. I SEE IT! I can't fit into my jeans. My $100 jeans!! Dios Mio! What have I become?

On the bank front, I have begun some research. And let me just say that banks, as a whole, suck major butt. It's like none of them are any good anymore. And credit unions are ass hats too. They want to be major players (and charge like they are) but they don't have half the perks of the big boys. So, I've got it narrowed down from the hundreds of options out there to like... 6. 6! Sigh...

Travel is looking up. I've decided that my trip will be to visit both my Grandmothers. They live in the same city, less than 15 miles from each other. I just can't stand Grandma S. She's so mean. But with my bro as a buffer, I should be fine. And I want to visit Ethan in Oki. But we'll see on that. I don't think my pockets are deep enough for that.

On the craftiness front, I am ahead of the game. I'm working on this winter wolf cross stitch that is going to be bad ass when I'm finished. Someone offered me $5 for it. I told her to save her breath. The materials cost $15 and I'll have major hours in it. And I bought a calligraphy kit.

I wanted to go to church yesterday but I was sick. I still am sick. But that's still a priority and I'm hoping to make it to a mid-week service of some sort. I'll keep you updated.

Love? NFL is gone. He lied. We didn't spend NYE together. I yelled. He hasn't called since. 'Nuf said.

To revisit the idea of having a theme day. I will make mine on Wednesday and it will be my day to weigh in. I have decided to keep track of my progress on this blog. Only God can help us now.

Well, TTFN.

He Always Knows What To Say

I received a beautiful birthday card from my Daddy today. Its filled with all of the things that a father should say when a daughter needs to hear them most. I will share some of it with you.

Love yourself.
Make Peach with you are and where you are at this moment in time.

Listen to your heart.
If you can't hear what it's saying in this noisy world,
Make Time for yourself.
Enjoy your own company.
Let your mind wander among the stars.

Be happy.
When you don't have what you want, want what you have.
Make Do.
That's the well-kept secret of contentment.

Life isn't days and years.
It's what you do with time and with all the goodness and grace
that's inside you.

Make a Beautiful Life...
The kind of life you deserve.

I love you too, Daddy.