Sometimes, I Wonder...

• if I'll ever be the kind of woman that men write songs about


• if I'll find my place in this world


• whether bankruptcy is my best option


• when I'll be properly motivated to lose this weight


• if I can reclaim my inner flirt


• what it will take to snag Mr. Right For Me


• when I will get to start my family


• if Atlanta is a new opportunity or me just running away


• how many books I can really read at once without getting them all jumbled up in my head


• why my Mom is always right


• can I really have a child just like me, 'cause that would be all bad


• if my life will ever be more than mediocre


• why I love shoes SO MUCH and clothes only this much


• where I can get cute dresses that would totally flatter my killer legs


• when my income will match my tastes


• why everyone isn't as fashion concious as my family


• why he still makes me blush


• why his touch can make my heart melt


• if he'll ever get his act right so that I can break this celibacy


• if I'm completely insane for going 7 months without nookie


• what it will take to get nookie off the brain


• why my mom's dog is licking the laptop


• if telling on Ethan was the right thing to do


• how Ethan's going to get back at me for getting him in trouble


• how the hell does Twitter work


• why don't carrots taste like cake? I'd definitely eat more of them if they tasted like cake


• if I'm the only person in America that's had the same cell phone number for 8 years


• when I'm going to get to use my fancy phone that I bought on Black Friday


• why I procrastinate over nothing


• if I can swing an awesome gift for my Mom AND get myself two new pairs of shoes

photo source

Inspiration?

I have none. Instead, I am sitting at my desk calculating how hard I'll have to work the rest of the week to make up for today (which equals FAIL, by the way). I was going to tell you all how I've gained back all but .8 pounds.

Yup, I'm sitting here at a pleasingly plump 235. But I'm ok with it for two reasons. One, I don't have the money to eat better. I've been cramming my face full of cheap food for weeks now. I mean, bags of Chex Mix because they were only $1 at the store. And anything free I can get from my Mom's freezer. Two, I'm so much closer to being out of debt it's not even funny. I'm down to three cards with balances. Discover will be paid off on March 12 to the tune of $414.70. Is it crazy? Yes. Stupid? Quite possibly. Freeing? Absolutely.

Sometimes, I wonder what to do to make myself better and I made the mistake of saying this to my Dad. What he said to me was, "Just be thankful". And I was all, "For what?" [sarcastic tone]. And he said, "For everything".

I won't bore you with a tangent on how my life could be worst with homelessness and lonliness. But I will share that I often forget how truly lucky I am. I won't make a pledge to be more grateful because I don't have it in me to fail at something right now. However, if you feel inspired to pledge... well, then I actually achieved something today.

Debt Relief

I just checked my bank account and guess what? There's over $30 in there!! Whoot!!

Now, I know what you must be thinking (especially if you do not now and have never lived paycheck to paycheck). How can she be excited about $30? Here's how. My rent? Paid. My car? Paid. My utilities? Paid. That's right, people. Check. CHECK. CHECK!!!

This time four months ago, I'd be crying, wondering how I'm going to pay my rent (or worst, how to phrase the late letter to my landlord) because I'd over spent on other things that I thought I needed and/or could afford and actually could not. Or I would be in the midst of a tragic battle with my [former] roommate because I had planned on her having her share of the expenses and she would fail... again.

Forcing myself to rely only on me has been difficult. And I'm not going to sit here and pretend like I haven't taken loans from family because I have. And I fully intend to pay those back, but right now, I'm going to bask in the glow of this moment. When I checked my online statement and it matched my paper register and they both told me the same thing. That all creditors are paid and I still have something left over.

Good things are creeping in. :D

Come ooooonnnn, Freedom!

The weather has been anything but frightful these last two weeks. It's supposed to be 50 on Saturday believe it or not! Do you know what that means? It means that I will make some money again!! I work in a seasonal industry. Spring is our season. I can hardly wait. Because this is how I currently feel:

There are so many things I want to do. Like pay off the last of my GL student loan, pay my Discover and Capital One cards off, and work with my trainer. I've missed him these last cold months. And the fact that I've gained 12 'el-bees' since October hasn't gone unnoticed to me. He's even offered me 1/2 off my sessions (although he won't commit to a number).

Sure, right now I should be stressing about balancing my bank account or paying off the mailbox full of bills that I have yet to open. But all I can see ahead of me are the green backs that lead to my freedom. Freedom from debt. Freedom from oppression. Freedom from collectors. So much freedom. I can already smell its sweet nectar.

Oh! And I just got the P90X. Well, my mom just got it. She bought 2 by accident and I'm buying one from her in $23 monthly installments. Nice, huh? Maybe I can quit the gym after all.