Marry Me Already!!! (AKA Happenings From My Weekend)

This weekend was so refreshingly busy.

I spent some time with The Scorpio on Thursday. It started off rocky because I came very close to slipping into one of my sullen moods. But he's very perceptive and (apparently) hard of hearing so I when I tried to explain what was going on in my head his words of comfort made no sense and got me laughing instead. We also argued over the virtue of tipping your server. He doesn't believe in it. I used to serve. The discussion ended with me demanding that he either a) give me the money he owed me so that I could tip or b) use said money to do the tipping himself. I always win.

Friday? I don't really know what I did on Friday except for panic because my body was acting funny. I also fended off the Red Cross lady because my iron has been so low for the last 3 months that I've been deferred 3 times. I haven't gone back to my doctor about it though. I'm in that place of denial where I just don't want to know. Because if I know then I have to do something about it. And the last time she and I agreed to "do something" about it I ended up taking 3 pills a day trying to make my body right.

If you know me, then you know how I hate supplements and pills and Western medicine in general. I'm just going to work fitness back into my life, eat better (goodbye fried foods!), and manage my stress levels. I'm giving myself a 3 month hiatus from worrying about anyone that's not me. (Ha! I say that but it'll last about a day maybe a day and a half).

Saturday, I got up early and did my morning workout. I've started TurboFire and I really do love it. I also spent some time just snuggling with my doggie because I knew I'd be gone all day. By, 2p I was at my babysitting gig and ready to take over my charges. It was for a couple I've known for years and they've been going through some rough times as a family so my work was pro-bono. The mom and dad hadn't been out together in over 3 months and even I could tell that they needed some time alone. So, off they went and it was just me, their pre-teen (Brynne age 11) and their toddler (Jimbo age 3). Jimbo is newly potty trained and the discovery of his penis has been mon-u-men-tal. He showed it to me first thing and then I got to see his butt. CBS111 was right when she said having a straight face and a disinterested tone would save me from having to see it again unnecessarily. (Thank you!)

Brynne's been friends with April and Rebecca since kindergarten so she was kind of let down when I didn't have them with me. I promised that she'd get some time with them soon enough and made her start on her homework. It's not the most popular thing a babysitter can do but I needed her to be busy while I cleaned the kitchen. (You should have seen this kitchen! I can't stand dirty bathrooms and kitchens. Those are the two most important rooms in the house, people! Seriously!) After I gave everything, including the cabinets and trash can, a good scrubbing, we put our sweatshirts and sneakers on and took a bike ride to the park.

Jim peddled his big wheel the whole way to the park and only asked me to push him up the hills because "there must be something wrong with [his] wheels". It's cute, I know. But my back said that he needed to learn how to peddle harder. We got to the park and he played his heart out on the play equipment. Brynne was feeling melancholy and Jimbo had used the porta potty so I felt like it was time to go and get dinner started. No sooner than we get their bikes put away, my mom pulls up with April and Becca. Brynne about wet herself with excitement.

I got outvoted for pizza 4:1 (obviously, none of them know the value of a dollar) and they set to doing kid things while I finished picking up the play room. Rebecca, my buddy, my pal, my fellow *NSYNC lover, starts singing "Gone" and I'm taken back to Senior year when that album ruled my life and I still loved JC (before he started messing with Tara Reid). When Brynne yells out "OK, enough of the oldies!". I almost smacked someone else's child but instead tweeted it with the hash tag #GoneCameOutMySrYearAndImNotOldPunk. But I certainly felt old when I calculated how old I would be when they graduated in 2016, 2018, and 2019 (we won't even do the math on little man). *sigh*

They played themselves silly and we were all in bed by 10p.

Image found here

Sunday, I got up and made some fluffy blueberry pancakes with sugared-strawberries. The kids threw down and the adults had coffee and conversation. Brynne and Jimbo got ready for church and I hauled April and Becca home. I raced to take care of my dog and just made it to The Scorpios flag football game in time. I met two young ladies with the sweetest 3-year-old I've ever seen and we talked and laughed and had good conversation. When the game ended, I was ready to bounce but they told me that there was a second game. No way!

I asked The Scorpio and he said that indeed there was a second game and it was right now. Then he picked up the 3YO I'd been playing with. You know, the young ladies' niece. Oh. My. God. I'd been talking with his sisters (the two I don't know) for an hour. Then I started to notice things like how one of the ladies actually has his same eyes and complexion. Or how she'd been saying "Tariq this" and "Tariq that" for the last hour. Only she pronounces it "Tear-ick" and I've always assumed its "Tah-reek". I vaguely remember an adolescent who played catch with The Scorpio in the park when we dated way back when. But this kid? "Tear-ick"? He was at least 5'9" with a moustache! This can't be the same little boy who idolized my boyfriend.

And that other kid that looks just like The Scorpio did when he was 13, I am *just* now noticing him. I could feel the intense heat of his entire family burning a hole through me. I mean, you have to understand. Our relationship never got that serious. He only met my family because I was a transitioning into my mom's townhouse while she was buying her house. I've seen his grandmother but that's because he lives with her. I've never actually been inside the house. Having unknowingly spent an hour with his family, having them all stare at me like I'd sprouted a second head, and not having him as a buffer caused me to high-tail it out of there. And it inspired a short conversation between the two of us later. I just looooove how he can laugh at everything that causes me stress. It's so supportive.

Anywho, all I did after that was workout and laundry. My place has been cleaner lately so I didn't have any clutter or anything wearing on my nerves. All that to say, what did you do this weekend?

I'm Not Being A Good Friend

He deserved better.

The Scorpio, I mean. He deserved so much better than I gave him this weekend.

Because for some reason, I was in one God-awful mood. And while he did his best to take it in stride, I did my absolute best immitation of a psychotic shrew.

I'm not gonna lie. In the land of blame, it's 20% his fault and only 80% mine.

It started on Wednesday when he asked me if I wanted to "hang out". I went to college. I had the experience. I know the boy definition of "hang out". And so I told him no. But that wasn't good enough. He pushed and pushed and pushed until I told him that I wouldn't be free until Saturday.

But he was soooo booooooored. Didn't I know that? I told him again that I was busy. And that was that. Until Friday night. He wanted to come over. And normally, I wouldn't have been opposed except I didn't want him over my dirty house, that was covered in dust and dog dander and I was wrapped in a blanket half asleep anyway.

But he wouldn't let it go. I said that we would be friends. And I said that we would hang out anytime either of us wanted. And I was being completely unfair to him right now. And please, please, pleeeeeeeeeease. He wasn't doing anything and I wasn't doing anything and we could just do nothing togeeeeetheeeeer.

First, I was peeved because he misquoted me. What I said was, "...either of us can call when we wanna hang out..." which in no way implies that you'll get a yes. And then I was upset because I had said no at least a dozen times. I hate to repeat myself. If I have to repeat myself it's because you're either A) not listening to what I say or B) don't care about what I want. Neither of which are acceptable.

I could hear my therapist telling me to stay strong and finally I just stopped responding to his messages. Then I vented on Facebook, deleted the entire string of messages, and digitally removed The Scorpio from my life. All of which made me feel loads better and I slept like a baby.

Saturday morning, I woke up before dawn and got more done before noon than I have since the first snow. I was so proud of myself; still am actually. I am addicted to telling all of my business and therefore made sure I tweeted the day's adventures non-stop. I had just taken a seat in my living room when The Scorpio texted me again.

What was I doing? Thinking about dinner. Did I want to go do something? Immediately, I responded with, "Are you asking me for sex?". To which he says that he wants to grab a bite to eat first and then maybe that. LOL. Hahaha. So muthasucking funny. I was all "Fine. Whatever you want." and was thinking "because it's ALWAYS about you! It's ALWAYS about what The Scorpio wants even though its the rest of us that have to do all the fucking work". I didn't say that because it's so mean. Even I know that!

And then seven minutes later, I told him that I wasn't in the mood to be anywhere near him if only because he pisses me off. He was completely confused. I got angrier. Why was he confused? Why should I do what he wants? I JUST WANT TO SHAVE MY LEGS! How dare he accuse me of reading too much into our friendship? Who the hell did he think he was? My house wasn't clean enough for guests! I told him that there was no decency in the way he was treating me because I am not a whore and will not be petitioned for sex! By text message no less!

You can see how none of that makes sense. Now that I've re-read it a dozen times, I can see why he was confused. Plus he pointed out that I was the one that mentioned sex therefore getting his hopes all up. And he really just wants to be friends if I'll let him. I calmed down enough to actually have a meal but I didn't get any saner nicer.

I might have told him that I didn't trust him. And I could have said that he needed the survey that comes on every dinner check more than I did. It is possible that I interrupted him while speaking a hundred or so times. Perhaps, there was a moment when my head spun 'round when he called me by his sister's name. Which, while in the midst of my fury, I accused him of having NO SISTERS AT ALL when I know full well that he has three and I'm super tight with one.  I absolutely told him to "pick a damned restaurant! [Because] I can't stand a man who won't make a decision!". I may have told him that sex with him was... *pause, pause, pause* "good?". Yes, three pauses. I thought he might die.

I cannot explain my behavior in any way. I was just suuuuuuuper bitchy. And he took it like a champ. Except for the third time he told me not to interrupt him anymore. He actually growled that through clenched teeth. And he asked me what the fuck my problem was when I made the check comment. He might have screamed out his sister's name is angst because I was yelling like a banshi and he said that it took him back to fights with her.

And then on the ride home he said, "Haha. Your car smells like food". And immediately, I was thanking him on complimenting my pina colada car freshener. I had looked so hard for one that was girly but not too overpowering. It's hard to find good, long-lasting car fresheners, ya know? For him to be all, "I said food. Not drinks". My face was so sad which inspired him to sing, "Payback is a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch".

I earned that one.

A Bug In My Butt

This is totally shaping up to be one of those weeks. One of those really, truly, frightening weeks. It's a week that is packed to the edge of my sanity. Every minute on the freeway is carefully structured. Missing one task yesterday has set me back and forced me to scrounge around like a mouse for crumbs. Most people only have days like this. But for me, right now, it's a whole week. And if I were truly honest, it's been like this since November 26.

Thanksgiving was less than stellar. But it was compounded by my own mental anguish at not being able to cash in on some fabulous Black Friday deals. You see, normally by now all of my gifts have been purchased, brought up in casual conversation, exchanged for that thing you really wanted but never mentioned until just now, wrapped, and placed firmly under my Christmas tree waiting for the moment when it is ready to be handed to you with that anticipation in your eye and pure elation at the discovery that yes, people really do pay attention and buy you that one thing you really want but never mentioned until it was almost too late.

That is not where I am right now.

Right now I have this many gifts purchased: 0. It is driving me insane. Especially since the rest of this month is chocked full of foolishness and mayhem. And I think yesterday, as I waited patiently at a red light because all I was going to do was donate blood at the local Red Cross, it all just got to me. It's not really my fault. She should have waited at the light and tried to merge like a normal person. Everyone knows that the two lanes converge into one but we always have the simple courtesy to wait our turns.

I was fifth in line on the left and she sixth on the right. Except everyone in front of her was turning right. She saw this as her opportunity to accelerate and force me out of my rightful position. She was wrong.

I played a mean game of chicken. I was ready to die to stay fifth. She and I were going to drive side-by-side on to the freeway if she pushed me hard enough. But after she refused to relent, I jerked the wheel in her direction. Victory.

She laid on her horn for a solid minute. It just made me angry. So I slammed on my brakes. Let's just say she kept a careful distance after that. I went to give blood and my iron was low. There's nothing like submitting to finger pricks to be told, "Thank you, come again". Except this guy thought it would be great to comment on how he's never actually seen me give blood (I'm a multiple gallon giver, thank you very much!) and when I didn't laugh, he got nervous. I was too pissed to remember to take my complimentary cookies. Damn him!

Then I went to WalMart where there were 5 associates close enough to touch me but only one working. And when he offered me help, the heifer with the headset said, "Hey Joe, can you go get carts for me for like 20 minutes?". To which he responded positively. Which inspired me to say, "Right after you help me because I know she's not gonna keep pretending like I'm not standing here". She gave me big eyes. I gave her I-will-cut-you face. True story. Both of them. All before 6pm.

I don't know what it was but I hope it doesn't come back. I felt super icky and irritable all night. I hate when life is without wiggle room. But here's something to make you laugh. It's probably not safe for work but the acting in it is SUPERB. And then there's the added bonus of confidence.

And just one more thing:

Oh Birthday, My Birthday

Yesterday was my Birthday!*pauses to let the raucous applause die down*

It all started on Friday. With money in my wallet there were two things I needed to do: put gas in to Big Red and buy groceries. I prayed the whole way home because my gas light came on when I pulled into work that morning and it hadn't occurred to me to fill the tank before heading home. Coasting up to the pumps, I breathed a heavy sigh of relief and then wept silently as I watched the digital numbers climb without shame.

I made it to the grocery store and what do I see but a woman standing to the side pleading with this ugly man. Tears streaming down her face, she tells him that she tries not to think about him with "her" and all these other women but now she can't. Now, she's the one suffering. She's the one that gets physically ill. She's the one that isn't getting any sleep. He gives her an icy glare and tells her that she knew how it would be and things won't change.

Their preteen daughter knows enough to not look and the little boy in the cart is now begging his mama for a kiss. She wipes her eyes, sees me staring, and casts her eyes back to the ground. I've seen it before. I lived it when I was the preteen and Nat was the kid in the cart. You could say I stalked them around the store but really I was just keeping one eye on them and my thumb on speed dial.

I raced home with a to-do list as long as Denny's schlong . This is where I should put the story of how I got things done. What really happened is that I sat on my ass, made myself a cup of peppermint cocoa and read a book. It was a really good book too.

Saturday I woke up and gave myself the gift of bangs. Then I did some baby shopping.

To start off right, I got myself a peppermint latter and slice of gingerbread. The fine barista let me know that my coffee would be at the other end. I opened my mouth to speak and she cut me off with, "It'll be at the other end". Closing my wallet, I set my copy of the baby registry down and she asked me if I needed help reading and understanding it.

I'm sure she meant well. Right? That's the approach I took because it's my birthday weekend goddammit and I'm not gonna let some coffee whore mess it all up. At the other end of the counter, my latte appears but not my gingerbread. Barista bitch gets a scowl from coffee-blending girl; I win.

I encountered the slowest cashier in the Midwest who said that she couldn't adjust the registry because she was "new and no one had ever shown her how". When I advised her to read the portion of the registry titled "Cashier Instructions" for help, she informed me that she wasn't sure she had the authority to do this kind of thing.

Me: "Thing like what? Read?"

The baby shower itself was a success. I won prize and acted like I had won a prize. Which to those of you who either a) don't win many prizes or b) don't appreciate a hard-earned win would look like I'd just struck oil by turning on a faucet. I was super excited. In ways that only a photograph could express. Thankfully, there are none.

I breezed out of there and got all dressed for the zoo. Our zoo does a fantastic lights display and the trip was free (for me) and so I gleefully spent 2 hours trekking through the cold, blowing snot sickles, and not seeing any animals. Then Mom and I watched Eclipse. The best part of the movie was when Bella cut her arm in attempt to keep Edward from being destroyed and Mom said, "Jesus! You tell this chick one Indian tale and she thinks she's Sacajawea". I died.

Sunday, I got up and took myself to a posh brunch and got an invitation from mom for dinner. I accepted and was starting to get ready when I got a text from my friend Paige. She was 20 weeks pregnant and had just
 found out last Thursday (12/2) that the little bean inside of her was going to grown into a baby boy. We were all ecstatic for her and loved the way that she announced it: by sending us all a link to her ultrasound that she had posted on Vimeo.

But yesterday, I got this message:
"I don't know how to say this. I'm in the hospital and lost my baby due to a ruptured amniotic sac. I wish I were dead."

I stopped and I cried.
A couple of hours passed and I finally went off to my own birthday celebration. I went to the pub where we met striped-shirt Steve. Apparently, there was some band playing but I promise you they weren't good. Nat and Mr. T surprised me with a chocolate cake that was topped with enough candles to violate all sorts of fire codes and I got to eat my name right out of the center.

Thankfully, I had the foresight to only drink the free shots. Otherwise, right now, I'd be fucked.

P.S. - I know that I owe you four more days of the meme and I promise to get back to it at some point. Maybe. I'm not exactly known for finishing things.

Update: I ended the night with a pizza dog (a hotdog - cut down the center - stuffed with pepperoni and then WRAPPED IN A SLICE OF PIZZA AS A BUN. The epicocity of it all is unreal. And while you think that should have been an easy choice to make, I had to turn down the "Cheezus Crust" aka a grilled cheese sandwich using pizza for bread. Then there's the Baby Cheezus, it's half the size but just as "blasphemalicious". Ha! Good times.

Day 3: My Favorite TV Show

I watch a lot of regular (read: free) tv because I cannot make myself believe that cable is worth the expense. Over the years, I have become attached to some fantastic shows but these three made the grade as favorites throughout my life.

As a kid: Step By Step

Forever and Ever!: Arrested Development

Currently on TV: 30 Rock. Please, please, if you've never seen this show, find a place (Hulu) to watch this episode.

You can see that as I grew so did my taste for snark, cynicism, and great comedic timing. That and I hate laugh tracks. If it's funny I will laugh. I don't need a queue.

Two Weekends, One Recap

(OMG I've got to get back to posting regularly!)

Going Backwards in Order of Occurrence:

I'm going on vacation!!! To Guatemala! Mom and I made the executive decision last night that our family needs. to. get. away. I'm super excited. We figured that it's going to cost approximately $2000 per person. Which is not a lot of money when you take into account that it includes airfare, transport to and from Guatemala City, and the entire 5-bedroom, 5 bath house with solar-heated pool, sauna, hammock deck, maid, house man, personal chef and on-call masseuse. I'm not even going to give you the info for the owner until I take my own vacation because if the week I want gets snapped up I will be a very grumpy blogger. But we've set our sights on January 2012. It's during the dry season and it's off peak. So while $2000 is an shit ton of cash to come up with, we do have 15 months to make it happen. Plans were put into place last night.

We went apple picking this past Saturday. It was more fun than I can explain. First, April wrapped herself tighter than a hot dog because she was afraid that insects might crawl into her hoodie. We laughed raucously at her silliness. She seemed to forget all about that when the first rotten apple hit her though. I very much did it on purpose. But I might have thought twice about it if I'd known it would start a war that involved running through 3 rows of someone else's orchard. 3 bushels of apples later, we were heading home to peel, slice, and spice them. I've got 3 ziploc bags prepped and ready to fill the perfect pie crusts. Apple sauce and muffins will come later this week.

Last Sunday, Mom and I did some serious shopping. I bought a carpet remnant to put in my kitchen. That's right. My kitchen. It has occurred to me that I may not want to do this because of spills and trapped germs but I like to walk around barefoot and there's nothing worst than a cold, hard, kitchen floor to turn me off of cooking, baking and general cleaning. So, I rolled out the 10' x 8' remnant and trimmed it around the appliances and baseboards. It's a little crooked but I don't care. My toesies feel so snug wrapped in the long fibers. And my pup loves hanging out with me while I'm in there being a domestic diva. I also made a banana chocolate chip bread that I ended up bringing to work. I didn't want it but I had bananas to use. Thankfully the oven didn't burn it (although it was very brown) and the people at work seemed to love it!

We also went to Home Goods to check out mirrors and art. Mom found the perfect piece to fill her hall way and I questioned the quality of their furniture. Some stuff was pricey for how flimsy it seemed. But that could just be the new frugal me making sure I spend my precious pennies wisely. After all of that we still found time to catch a movie. We saw You Again with Kristen Bell and Jamie Lee Curtis. The film was forgettable and I remain convinced that Kristen Bell just cannot carry a film.

Saturday was the best day by far. April seems to be getting older more quickly every day. All she really wanted to do was hang at the mall with her friends. But we dragged her to The New Albany Classic. It was so much fun! And this year's talent was local band New Hollow and American Idol celeb David Archuleta(cue high school girls screaming)! Do me a solid, OK? If you have a teenage girl in your life, tell her about New Hollow. These guys are high schoolers living the dream. Their talent is real, I promise! Also, look for me in their video because they totally taped it at the classic and I'm jumping up and down per my instructions. I'm in the back, with all the other parents and guardians and the 5 50-year-old women who came 3 hours early to see David Archuleta and then were ushered to the back so that the children could have a better view. Yup. There were 5 of them. Cougars. Snapping photos and singing his songs. The new songs. On the CD that doesn't come out for another month. It's just sad. That boy is young enough to call them Grandma.

When Rebecca had reached her fill of the concert and April was done vying amongst her friends for David's attention, we took a stroll around. It was magnificent and so well put together. Becca and I hit up dozens of rides, the petting zoo, and the inflatable kids' park while April and Mom went and scounted out all the different food stands. When we finally met up, they had ice cream, kettle corn, hot dogs, chips, fries, cookies, and weren't trying to share! April ended up having a blast by the time it was all over because it seems that at least 4 of her friends were "forced" to spend a family day at The Classic as well. Funny how that worked out...

All in all, I've been making some great memories with the fam and it feels good. It's that nuclear awesomeness that I'm loving the feeling of and hoping that we continue to grow in to. So, that's all for now!

P.S. - I made a big girl decision and decided against buying some shoes that I totally have the money for because I received a check for a couple of hundred bucks in the mail. I've decided to put it in the bank for other, more promising rewards (like Guatemala!) but God does it hurt to be so responsible!



Guatemala photo found here.

Cedar Point

Yesterday, I took a mental vacation... to Cedar Point! Whoot! (insert photo of entrance gate that I forgot to take).

The day started off simple enough. We were running late. Me by just 12 minutes but when you're wrangling three kids, 12 minutes easily turns into 86 and thus we hit the road when theoretically we should have been half way there. A quick breakfast stop at Burger King resulted in Mom offending the cashier,

Uppity Mom voice: "What township are we in?"
Cashier: "You're in the city of B-ville."

3 little people taking four days to try to pee, 2 cups of coffee for Mom (one with a gnat on the inside of the lid), and more hashbrowns than a 5-lb bag of potatoes could make.

Once on the road again, the boredom set in for the Three Musketeers:

Ms. Gotoh
April

Rebecca


But we made it there without incident; you can't ask for more than that.

At first, there would be no riding of anything that contained:

1. heights
2. upside-down
3. loop-dee-loops
4. or dangling feet

I was exhausted with urging them to get on something so I ran to the Wicked Twister and boy was it worth it! After seeing me have so much fun (and nearly lose my weave) they decided to try the Troika. From there they were hooked.

By the time the sun began to set, Mom and I were simply there to hold their stuff while they rode everything they were tall enough to get on. We had to impose a rule that they could only get on each ride three times before we would move on to something new. It was fun to watch them grow in courage. Because when I tried to convince them to get on this

I was rebuffed with how "babyish" that ride was. It only goes 2 miles an hour, for goodness sake!

To end the day, we all had these Big Ol' Sno Cones

(Mom will kill me for posting this, but it's too funny not to!)

and mine ended up in a cup.

All in all, I wouldn't have traded yesterday for all the money in the world.

My advice to all of you thrill seekers:

Saturdays are for suckers; Wednesday is where its at!

You Will Never Guess What I Saw! - A Collection of Short Stories

"A Whole New Meaning"

I was talking with my sister about the latest craze in abbreviations: SMH. She told me that she discoverd what it means... by way of a customer in her store.

She was talking to one of the girls she works with while putting away shoes. "Grace", she said, "do you know what 'SMH' means? It's all over Facebook". Before Grace could answer a customer was like "Smuh? It's Smuh, like ugh! You use it the same". Everyone in the store is trying to suppress their giggles while Grace subtly enlightens them both, "Sweetheart, it's Shaking My Head".

Luckily, the customer got a laugh out of it himself. But *our* new thing? Girl, it's Smuh!

"Shimmy with me Africa!!"

Friday was Mrs.G's birthday and to celebrate she invited us girls out for sushi. The restaurant and atmosphere were fabulous. I knew this in advance so I figured that I would dress accordingly. Black dress with bright red accents. Plus my stunner studs! You already know.

After dinner, we trekked to a delightful spot called Level. When you go there at night in the spring and fall, they take all of the panes out of the windows. It's so chic!

We go upstairs and a very obviously gay man (who was so sweet and deliciously fun) was giving me the eye. I wave and apparently that opened the gates to hugs, European kisses, Latin dancing, and yes, a shimmy. He was so great and even nicknamed me "Africa". I heart you, Brian from L.A.

"Street Walker"

I spent a ton of Saturday night hoofing it around this fair city. I had forgotten how much I loved the lights, the energy, and the hustle of the people until I set out to each new destination. I was on my way back to my car when I realized that I was no longer in the Stilettos district and I was firmly planted in Birkenstock district.

It was fun to have the locals eye me with jealousy, wondering which fabu party I *must* be headed to. I loved the way the men stared as I passed them leaving the deep scents of chocolate, white peony, patchouli and vanilla behind me. I loved the glares from the other girls covered to their flip-flopped toes in over sized sundresses.

I... almost broke a heel. Apparently, they don't believe in repaving the sidewalks out there in the Birkenstock district. Gravel reeks havoc on the balls of ones feet and munches a stiletto's heel to dust. But that's OK because before the night was over I got a "Oh my gosh! How are *you* doing?". Who cares if he never calls, that guy made my night.


"Don't Be a Slave"

Once a month, Big Poppa and I will go to the comedy club for some laughs. This past Wednesday, we did our usual do. He wore dark jeans, a lavender shirt, and gorgeous crocodile shoes. I wore an orange ruched dress, new turquoise baubles, and my killer J. Simp gold paintbrush platforms. We looked stellar as always.

Side note: Whenever I'm with Big Poppa I feel like a rockstar. He never hesitates to tell me how beautiful I am. It helps, of course, that I put my best foot forward and aim to make the other guys jealous, but it does help to know that he appreciates it.

The show was hilarious and we had a great time. He learned the art of getting cheap drinks and I learned to keep my mouth shut when women walk by in horrendous outfits. I mean, seriously!

One woman wore leggings (as pants!) that had cut outs in them from her ankle to her thigh. Really? Really?!? And then she paired it with a t-shirt. Really? Do they not have mirrors where she lives? Did she not pass a pane of glass?

Then there was the frumpy mother. Or grandmother. Or spinster more likely. She's a plus-sized girl like myself. But when I want to step out, I pull something spectacular from my closet, usually purchased from SizeAppeal.com. Sheeeee wore black gauchos (!), a faded olive green woven halter top that was too big and sagged around her chest and back (ugh!), and black espadrilles (harrumph!). To make it all worst, she hadn't done her hair or makeup. Aaaaaand she had toilet paper on her shoe!

Now I'm a nice person, so I definitely helped her get the toilet paper from her shoe. And I didn't express my concern over her wardrobe choices. But if there were anything at all that I would have said, it'd just be to wear clothes that fit. If you try to hide your body it looks like you're wearing a tent. And then I would slap the shit out of her skinny friend who looked impeccable.

Doooooin' The Bus

Oh yeah! We're taking it back. But this post is less about a fantastic 80's song and more about how some of my "partners" are trying to throw me under the bus in regards to said project. They can suck it. Because if there's one thing my mom has been preaching to me lately it's to CYA or cover my ass. And I've got paperwork coming out my bung hole that proves I've been working when they haven't. So, Ha, Bitches! Ha!

99 Things You Should Definitely Know About Me But Really Should Never Ask

I “borrowed” this from Crystal’s blog. How many of these 99 things have you done? My amazing feats are in bold. Read on and be ah-mazed.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars – when I went camping that one time
3. Played in a band – I played the flute! Holla!
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo – 6th grade Christmas play, Bitches!
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a thunder and lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill.
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping (or in my case… chunky dunking)
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run (yes, the Wii counts)
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant (I once was nice but now am jaded)
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class (I can turn you into a flamingo)
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies (Hells yeah!)
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason (those were the good ol’ days)
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check (this is one I’m not proud of)
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

49/99 equals a hearty 49.4%! Not as good as I wanted but I’ve still got lotsa life to live. Keep your fingers crossed that one day soon I’ll play myself in a movie based on the book I wrote about that time I went into labor while saving a fellow juror’s life.

Happy Sunday Ya’ll!!