Are There Words Between Those Lines?

Lately, The Scorpio has been much more open. If that can even be said about Scorpios. They are notoriously silent. Which drives me absolutely insane! Because how I am supposed to know what you're thinking if you don't open your mouth?! But I digress.

The Scorpio has been much more open. Sunday night, we talked about our pasts. I rambled on through every relationship from age 14 to him and he just sat there in wonder. You might say that it was a bad idea but I don't think it was. It won't kill him to know where I've been. And depending on how he reacts to the information, I may decide to tell him how I got through it. Partial information is better than none at all, right?

Sometimes, I chastise myself for being so obsessive about everything. Sometimes, my obsession comes in handy. I'm not good at putting information together right away. Not that I'm slow or mentally handicapped, I just happen to take everything at face value.

For instance, CBS111 was telling me about a great part-time opportunity and she was so excited and I was totally bringing her down because I was giving her the weirdest face. How could she be excited about a customer service position? Didn't we deal with enough of other people's problems during the day? Why would she want to do this at night? I didn't say anything positive or negative because I checked out and couldn't put anything she was saying into context.

If she had told me that her part-time opportunity was in a pharmacy, then I would have been properly excited for her. I know that she's always dreamed of a profession in medicine. But she didn't say that, so I couldn't comprehend her excitement. Sure, she said that she had to wear scrubs. And yes, I knew that the woman she was referencing worked in a pharmacy but none of that came together inside my head. And when I (finally) realized what it is that she would be doing (only because I asked and she told me outright), I shared in her excitement.

That's pretty much how it works with me.

So, when The Scorpio said that he didn't notice me until he met my sister, my response was, "In high school? She would have been a freshman". He responded yes, he'd noticed me in high school. So I scoffed and was all "I was a Senior. Trust that I didn't know who you were". And then I proceeded with my original thought because he rudely interrupted me with his memory of the day he saw me. Don't get me wrong. My senior year was my only year at that school. (Technically, I got enrolled on April 11th of my Junior year but since I had to have my class schedule corrected twice and I walked to work immediately after school, the only person I knew was my guidance counselor.)

And like I said before, Nat started high school my senior year and I spent the whole first semester trying to ditch her. Not because I didn't love her but because I knew it had to be done. She'll remember it as me being too cool but even then she was my best friend. The problem was that I had so many credits that I would only need 2 classes in the second semester and I knew that. If Nat didn't make friends now, she'd be screwed when that time came. Plus, she's super timid and wasn't going to do it on her own. She needed the push. She joined a couple of sports teams and found her niche. My job was done.

I remember hearing The Scorpio's name in passing because of Homecoming but I know they didn't actually make it to the dance. And then she started dating the quarterback and I heard his name over and over and over again. Actually, some super petty girls were so jealous that they came to the restaurant I worked at to tell me that my sister was at Homecoming with the starting quarterback and I should tell my parents because he was not a nice guy. Hahahaha! Fat girls are a trip.

Anyways, it wasn't until three hours later when I was laying on my couch alone and already bored with the NCAA Championship game that I remembered what he said. He noticed me in high school. That was ten years ago. How can he remember that day so clearly when I can't even remember what I wore on our first date? Was it really that important to him? Why do I always catch on so late?

So, that's what I'm currently obsessing over. There are other things he's shared with me and I can say that I'm touched. It takes a lot of trust to get him to open up and I like that he trusts me (or is a really good actor). He told me some other stuff too but given his penchant for privacy I won't disclose them. I did tell him though that we could have been this close for a YEAR now and that I can't believe all that time was wasted. He tried to blame me for misinterpreting things but I told him I didn't want to fight about it. We're just going to say he was wrong and call it a day.

I'm Not Being A Good Friend

He deserved better.

The Scorpio, I mean. He deserved so much better than I gave him this weekend.

Because for some reason, I was in one God-awful mood. And while he did his best to take it in stride, I did my absolute best immitation of a psychotic shrew.

I'm not gonna lie. In the land of blame, it's 20% his fault and only 80% mine.

It started on Wednesday when he asked me if I wanted to "hang out". I went to college. I had the experience. I know the boy definition of "hang out". And so I told him no. But that wasn't good enough. He pushed and pushed and pushed until I told him that I wouldn't be free until Saturday.

But he was soooo booooooored. Didn't I know that? I told him again that I was busy. And that was that. Until Friday night. He wanted to come over. And normally, I wouldn't have been opposed except I didn't want him over my dirty house, that was covered in dust and dog dander and I was wrapped in a blanket half asleep anyway.

But he wouldn't let it go. I said that we would be friends. And I said that we would hang out anytime either of us wanted. And I was being completely unfair to him right now. And please, please, pleeeeeeeeeease. He wasn't doing anything and I wasn't doing anything and we could just do nothing togeeeeetheeeeer.

First, I was peeved because he misquoted me. What I said was, "...either of us can call when we wanna hang out..." which in no way implies that you'll get a yes. And then I was upset because I had said no at least a dozen times. I hate to repeat myself. If I have to repeat myself it's because you're either A) not listening to what I say or B) don't care about what I want. Neither of which are acceptable.

I could hear my therapist telling me to stay strong and finally I just stopped responding to his messages. Then I vented on Facebook, deleted the entire string of messages, and digitally removed The Scorpio from my life. All of which made me feel loads better and I slept like a baby.

Saturday morning, I woke up before dawn and got more done before noon than I have since the first snow. I was so proud of myself; still am actually. I am addicted to telling all of my business and therefore made sure I tweeted the day's adventures non-stop. I had just taken a seat in my living room when The Scorpio texted me again.

What was I doing? Thinking about dinner. Did I want to go do something? Immediately, I responded with, "Are you asking me for sex?". To which he says that he wants to grab a bite to eat first and then maybe that. LOL. Hahaha. So muthasucking funny. I was all "Fine. Whatever you want." and was thinking "because it's ALWAYS about you! It's ALWAYS about what The Scorpio wants even though its the rest of us that have to do all the fucking work". I didn't say that because it's so mean. Even I know that!

And then seven minutes later, I told him that I wasn't in the mood to be anywhere near him if only because he pisses me off. He was completely confused. I got angrier. Why was he confused? Why should I do what he wants? I JUST WANT TO SHAVE MY LEGS! How dare he accuse me of reading too much into our friendship? Who the hell did he think he was? My house wasn't clean enough for guests! I told him that there was no decency in the way he was treating me because I am not a whore and will not be petitioned for sex! By text message no less!

You can see how none of that makes sense. Now that I've re-read it a dozen times, I can see why he was confused. Plus he pointed out that I was the one that mentioned sex therefore getting his hopes all up. And he really just wants to be friends if I'll let him. I calmed down enough to actually have a meal but I didn't get any saner nicer.

I might have told him that I didn't trust him. And I could have said that he needed the survey that comes on every dinner check more than I did. It is possible that I interrupted him while speaking a hundred or so times. Perhaps, there was a moment when my head spun 'round when he called me by his sister's name. Which, while in the midst of my fury, I accused him of having NO SISTERS AT ALL when I know full well that he has three and I'm super tight with one.  I absolutely told him to "pick a damned restaurant! [Because] I can't stand a man who won't make a decision!". I may have told him that sex with him was... *pause, pause, pause* "good?". Yes, three pauses. I thought he might die.

I cannot explain my behavior in any way. I was just suuuuuuuper bitchy. And he took it like a champ. Except for the third time he told me not to interrupt him anymore. He actually growled that through clenched teeth. And he asked me what the fuck my problem was when I made the check comment. He might have screamed out his sister's name is angst because I was yelling like a banshi and he said that it took him back to fights with her.

And then on the ride home he said, "Haha. Your car smells like food". And immediately, I was thanking him on complimenting my pina colada car freshener. I had looked so hard for one that was girly but not too overpowering. It's hard to find good, long-lasting car fresheners, ya know? For him to be all, "I said food. Not drinks". My face was so sad which inspired him to sing, "Payback is a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch".

I earned that one.

Only Because You Asked

Cake Betch was kind enough to put me on Front Street and call me out on my feelings for The Scorpio. Because she asked, I will answer. But know that I will still publish the other post I've been working on tentatively titled "If Game Recognizes Game, What Does Lame Recognize?". I know. It's a work in progress.

Now, I'm going to write something here that I wish I didn't have to write because I think it's a cop out. But when it comes to describing my relationship with The Scorpio this is the only phrase that fits: It's Complicated.

Do I love him? Yes. With my whole heart. (And if you ever tell him that I said it wrote it, I will deny it, fart on your face while you sleep and burn this post to the ground). But sometimes, my dears, love ain't enough.

We don't see things the same way.

I never ask for anything. I'm sure that's why I'm not as stellar at my job as I could be. It would require asking my boss for tools and/or deals and I'm just not gonna do it. If you want me to have something, you should give it to me, otherwise I will learn to live without it. He asks for everything. all. the. time. The Scorpio treats the universe like a personal Quik-E-Mart. If you say no, he's sure that someone else will say yes and he'll just ask them.

So basically, I end up giving and not getting. This is a problem. It's a problem because I won't say that I'm not getting. I just... change. I get eerily quiet. I walk much more softly. I lose interest in being around you. Because how long can you give and not get before the well runs dry? At some point it has to rain or there will be no more water. You see what I'm saying?

Then there are our personalities. I'm loud, spontaneous, outgoing, adventurous and generally up for anything new. I've been to four continents and daydream about the three I've yet to see. I live for change and he does not. He can't imagine living anywhere else but here. Even though his business would thrive out west or further south, he can't make himself do it. He's attached to everything while I'm attached to nothing. He thinks I'm flighty and I think he's stoic.

And it's really that last sentence that's the problem.

The Scorpio internalizes everything. He very rarely says how he feels or what he's thinking so I never know. I need to be told that I'm wanted and appreciated. That's what makes me feel loved. Without love, doubt creeps in and all of the little things that normally mean nothing suddenly mean everything. No relationship can survive with the hairline fractures in it's foundation.

So... we're friends. As friends we can laugh, have dinner, joke, and be completely open without the pressures of meeting each other's standards. Yeah, it's a cop out and I know it but what do you want from me? I don't have the patience to wait until he's sure that this ship will cross the ocean. I feel like he should know that I'm what he wants and he doesn't. At least he hasn't said it. And if he hasn't said it then to me it isn't real.

And by the way, I totally want a California King. My parents had one when I was growing up because my dad is 6'4". I'm so jealous of you and your quality sleep that it's ridiculous.

I'm Cranky Like Your Grandma

J-Bird didn't sleep well last night. Which led to J-Bird waking up at 10:30p, 1:30a, and again at 4:12 this morning. This led to J-Bird referring to herself in the third person like a douche, so we're just gonna stop that now.

You see, The Scorpio spent the night.

Wait. Let me back up.

He's decided that he wants to be a better man. Which is why he's making some real life changes and partnering with successful men. The Scorpio is finally getting serious about his dreams and goals for himself and accepting that all of this will tie in to his professional dreams and goals. I know because he talked a lot at dinner. Where'd we go? To a local Irish Pub chain, thanks for asking. I had the chicken fingers and onion rings with a glass of Malbec... because I'm classy.

So, we're in this pub and he starts to talk about how open they are to people of all backgrounds (provided you pass the background check), statuses, races, and creeds. He never knew something like this existed (cue my skeptical face because this is America for Christ's sake). But he's in love with an organization and I'm the only one who knows because I'm super smart and figured out the riddle without a decoder ring. Boom!

Then we start to talk about our relationship (as he is wont to do) and told me the biggest thing he thinks has changed about me (I'm more focused and know what I want) and wanted to know what I thought was his biggest change (he shows empathy and is more caring). But theeeen, he asked if I thought I could work things out with the guy I kinda dated before him but it wasn't really a relationship because it just wasn't. And I told him no. That the stuff that broke down between me and that guy just can't be rebuilt into a healthy, adult relationship.

And when he didn't ask about us, I thought I'd give him a piece of what he was asking for. The T-R-U-T-H about our relationship (my side of it) is that I never really believed that The Scorpio wanted to be with me. I mean, he messaged me on a social networking site. Everyone knows that's booty call material (have you seen He's Just Not That Into You)? I also told him that I felt like Charlotte did when she proposed to herself. Then I remembered that he's a guy and therefore doesn't have a trough full of Sex and the City episodes with which to compare his life. Let me set the scene.

One hot summer night, Nat came into town for the weekend and me and all the Party Girls were throwing her a celebration. I brought The Scorpio because I thought it was time. No, we hadn't talked about being official but we were always together and I wanted to be official. Meeting the friends? Totally official, right! The Party Girls didn't know what to do because I'd never brought a guy around before so this must have been serious. They all loved him. He and I sat in the door sill and watched everyone get drunk. I was tucked in his arms, looked up and said, "I'm not seeing anyone else. Do you want to see anyone else?". He shook his head no and that was it. That was all I ever got. Granted, my speech wasn't eloquent in the least but I was hoping for... something.

I spent all summer waiting for him to say that this was what he wanted but he never did. And as the days grew longer, my patience grew shorter and I started to question why I was with him anyway. We had other issues as well. His phone for one. His attitude toward everything. His perpetual lateness. His sense of entitlement. But when you're in a relationship where you don't feel like the other person is in it for you, all of the little things that are normally overlooked become glaring abnormalities that make you feel foolish and used. And when I got tired of being used, I lashed out and walked away.

He did not and has not responded.

There's definitely something missing between that conversation and this next one but I cannot tell you what it is. So, we will jump to where he told me that some girls have a problem with just being his friend and feel like they own him even though they don't. Like the girl that was talking shit to me on Twitter. My head snapped up and I was all, "Ummm... excuse me? What?". Because even though the chick mentioned me, I didn't get a notification. So he showed it to me and she's all "@JBird* @TheScorpio* get off his dick. so transparent". This made me angry so I told him that I had a video camera at my place and that I was prepared to "send this bitch tape" of me riding his dick.

I guess he didn't know I could be so evil. But he begged asked me calmly not to do or say anything to her because he doesn't want the drama. So, then I had a thought. I had been chosen. This excited me! Fast forward to him being at my apartment. I checked to see what K-Dubs was barking at and when I got back he was under the covers. I was tre' confused and asked why he was set up to spend the night when he told me that he just wanted to be prepared. I still don't know what for. Especially since it was only 9:45.

I put on The Other Bolyn Girl and he was snoring in about 3 minutes. But at 10:30, I almost fell off the bed because I had been laying precariously on the edge with my feet already hanging over the side. And at 1:30, I got hit in the face. So, at 4:30 when I woke up to him laying in the exact middle of the bed, with his head on my pillow, and his pillow tucked safely against his body, I was done. I woke him up gently and asked if he was ready to go home. He was in his own bed by 5. I should have gone back to sleep but instead I did a 45 minute cardio workout followed by 10 minutes of yoga.

Now, I'm exhausted. I've been up for way too long already. And part of me can't stop thinking about how he off-handedly mentioned that I should have stayed to see the second game on Sunday because I missed his touchdown. While the other part of me is like THIS DUDE SLEEPS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BED! I know which side I'm listening to though. It's the side that can't wait to crawl back into my bed... alone.

* Not our real Twitter aliases

Marry Me Already!!! (AKA Happenings From My Weekend)

This weekend was so refreshingly busy.

I spent some time with The Scorpio on Thursday. It started off rocky because I came very close to slipping into one of my sullen moods. But he's very perceptive and (apparently) hard of hearing so I when I tried to explain what was going on in my head his words of comfort made no sense and got me laughing instead. We also argued over the virtue of tipping your server. He doesn't believe in it. I used to serve. The discussion ended with me demanding that he either a) give me the money he owed me so that I could tip or b) use said money to do the tipping himself. I always win.

Friday? I don't really know what I did on Friday except for panic because my body was acting funny. I also fended off the Red Cross lady because my iron has been so low for the last 3 months that I've been deferred 3 times. I haven't gone back to my doctor about it though. I'm in that place of denial where I just don't want to know. Because if I know then I have to do something about it. And the last time she and I agreed to "do something" about it I ended up taking 3 pills a day trying to make my body right.

If you know me, then you know how I hate supplements and pills and Western medicine in general. I'm just going to work fitness back into my life, eat better (goodbye fried foods!), and manage my stress levels. I'm giving myself a 3 month hiatus from worrying about anyone that's not me. (Ha! I say that but it'll last about a day maybe a day and a half).

Saturday, I got up early and did my morning workout. I've started TurboFire and I really do love it. I also spent some time just snuggling with my doggie because I knew I'd be gone all day. By, 2p I was at my babysitting gig and ready to take over my charges. It was for a couple I've known for years and they've been going through some rough times as a family so my work was pro-bono. The mom and dad hadn't been out together in over 3 months and even I could tell that they needed some time alone. So, off they went and it was just me, their pre-teen (Brynne age 11) and their toddler (Jimbo age 3). Jimbo is newly potty trained and the discovery of his penis has been mon-u-men-tal. He showed it to me first thing and then I got to see his butt. CBS111 was right when she said having a straight face and a disinterested tone would save me from having to see it again unnecessarily. (Thank you!)

Brynne's been friends with April and Rebecca since kindergarten so she was kind of let down when I didn't have them with me. I promised that she'd get some time with them soon enough and made her start on her homework. It's not the most popular thing a babysitter can do but I needed her to be busy while I cleaned the kitchen. (You should have seen this kitchen! I can't stand dirty bathrooms and kitchens. Those are the two most important rooms in the house, people! Seriously!) After I gave everything, including the cabinets and trash can, a good scrubbing, we put our sweatshirts and sneakers on and took a bike ride to the park.

Jim peddled his big wheel the whole way to the park and only asked me to push him up the hills because "there must be something wrong with [his] wheels". It's cute, I know. But my back said that he needed to learn how to peddle harder. We got to the park and he played his heart out on the play equipment. Brynne was feeling melancholy and Jimbo had used the porta potty so I felt like it was time to go and get dinner started. No sooner than we get their bikes put away, my mom pulls up with April and Becca. Brynne about wet herself with excitement.

I got outvoted for pizza 4:1 (obviously, none of them know the value of a dollar) and they set to doing kid things while I finished picking up the play room. Rebecca, my buddy, my pal, my fellow *NSYNC lover, starts singing "Gone" and I'm taken back to Senior year when that album ruled my life and I still loved JC (before he started messing with Tara Reid). When Brynne yells out "OK, enough of the oldies!". I almost smacked someone else's child but instead tweeted it with the hash tag #GoneCameOutMySrYearAndImNotOldPunk. But I certainly felt old when I calculated how old I would be when they graduated in 2016, 2018, and 2019 (we won't even do the math on little man). *sigh*

They played themselves silly and we were all in bed by 10p.

Image found here

Sunday, I got up and made some fluffy blueberry pancakes with sugared-strawberries. The kids threw down and the adults had coffee and conversation. Brynne and Jimbo got ready for church and I hauled April and Becca home. I raced to take care of my dog and just made it to The Scorpios flag football game in time. I met two young ladies with the sweetest 3-year-old I've ever seen and we talked and laughed and had good conversation. When the game ended, I was ready to bounce but they told me that there was a second game. No way!

I asked The Scorpio and he said that indeed there was a second game and it was right now. Then he picked up the 3YO I'd been playing with. You know, the young ladies' niece. Oh. My. God. I'd been talking with his sisters (the two I don't know) for an hour. Then I started to notice things like how one of the ladies actually has his same eyes and complexion. Or how she'd been saying "Tariq this" and "Tariq that" for the last hour. Only she pronounces it "Tear-ick" and I've always assumed its "Tah-reek". I vaguely remember an adolescent who played catch with The Scorpio in the park when we dated way back when. But this kid? "Tear-ick"? He was at least 5'9" with a moustache! This can't be the same little boy who idolized my boyfriend.

And that other kid that looks just like The Scorpio did when he was 13, I am *just* now noticing him. I could feel the intense heat of his entire family burning a hole through me. I mean, you have to understand. Our relationship never got that serious. He only met my family because I was a transitioning into my mom's townhouse while she was buying her house. I've seen his grandmother but that's because he lives with her. I've never actually been inside the house. Having unknowingly spent an hour with his family, having them all stare at me like I'd sprouted a second head, and not having him as a buffer caused me to high-tail it out of there. And it inspired a short conversation between the two of us later. I just looooove how he can laugh at everything that causes me stress. It's so supportive.

Anywho, all I did after that was workout and laundry. My place has been cleaner lately so I didn't have any clutter or anything wearing on my nerves. All that to say, what did you do this weekend?

I Will Roast You

"FUCK YOU!"

She didn't just recognize my voice, she recognized my tone.

My Saturday started like every other. I woke up like it was a Wednesday, walked the dogs, fed everyone, put on Winx Club, and laid my tired ass back on the counch until noon.

I got a text around 230ish from Nat asking if I wanted to go to a pig roast. What!?! Food? Fun? Random People? Yes, please! We couldn't go until 7 'cause Nat had to work but whatevs. Just more time to prep for Mom's Day. Which totally rocked the house by the way.

We get there at 7:46 on the dot and all is well. BBQ, beer, new friends: today is gonna be a good day. There's even one funny guy (The Viking) who grabs my attention and holds it by the reins. Now, I'm not delusional. I don't want him. He doesn't even live in this city. And since we're being completely honest, I've still got the Scorpio on the brain. Plus, he's a Scorpio and when he said that I could only think of my Scorpio. Who's much sexier with his chiseled abs and piercing green eyes. Mmmmmm... But nonetheless, this other guy, "Jeff Morris", asks me to come outside.

Have you ever been to a house party? Do you know what it means to wander off with someone? If you don't want rumors, then you don't go. I didn't like Jeff. His bouffant hair was ridiculous and his swag was non-existant.

So, I don't go until I tell The Viking that I don't want to go. So me, The Viking, Hostee's boyfriend, and Jeff are outside. They're smoking and I'm on the step asking Jeff what he wants. He just wants to talk. I go back inside. That's when Jeff approaches me again. "Just come outside", he says, "J-Bird, I just want to talk to you". So, I go. And this is where it falls apart...

Me (calm and leary): What?

Jeff: I'm just playing the Wingman.

Me (kinda angry): What?!

Jeff: My friend likes your friend so I gotta get you out of there.

Me (full-on angry): You suck!

Jeff: Huh?

Me (seething): You're a dick! I've been a Wingman before and Rule #1 is: Don't let your target know you're the Wingman.

I go back inside.

We're playing Shoulders. I would tell you how to play bu that involves pictures so you'd be better off just following the Wiki link. Finally, after 5 rounds and so much failure Nat has to pee. The Viking has to go too of course. Now, the whole time we're playing Jeff is standing in the kitchen across from me staring, making eyes, and giving me the head nod. My anger continues to boil because I'm sure I already told him to leave me the fuck alone. Boys never listen.

I go to pee and I see Nat standing there with The Viking in the doorway trying to seal the deal. I don't interefere. She's grown; she can do what she wants. I pee. They are still talking. When I get back to the party, Jeff is sitting next to my chair and there's this other girl actually in my seat. It's all good because I'm this close to cussing him out.

She offers to move. I decline. Why? Because I know myself. I know that I've been stewing since the convo outside. I know that if he looks at me wrong I'm gonna blow.the.fuck.up. That's when he opens his mouth and says, "Come on J-Bird. Sit by me".

Me (at the top of my lungs): FUCK YOU! Note to self: Next time you try to be a Wingman don't tell the girl that you're the fucking wingman. You're an asshole and you've got no game.

Jeff (little boy whisper voice): I never said I had game.

Me: Don't talk to me. You don't even know how to acquire a target. I've been a wingman; you suck.

Jeff: Why? Because my friend likes your friend?

Me: Because my friend is my sister. Next time do your fucking research.

(now facing The Viking) And you. Next time, get a real fucking wingman with game and your might actually get laid.

I give Hostee a hug and roll out.

Now, I know it seems like I was being a jealous bitch but what it really is about is the disrespect. How hard would it have been for him to hold a got damn conversation? Do you really think that you are so pimp that I won't get all up in your face and cuss you the fuck out. Because as he found out the hard way, I will whoop your ass in front of all your friends. He sat there like a little bitch while I stood between his legs and yelled in his face with the ultimate disrespect. The only thing I regret is that I had been drinking so my voice is a bit stripped now. That and maybe I should have told Nat early on so that I didn't have to sit there stewing and letting that punk get to me. Naaaaahhhhh... I liked embarrassing him. A lot.

Is Forgiveness Appropriate Here?

The Scorpio and I had dinner on Friday. What's important to note is that I didn't kill him. What's second to that is that I actually laughed with him. What's tearing me up inside is that I'm ready to forgive him.

If you don't know the chapter of my life that is the Scorpio Saga then I'm sorry but I'm not going to recount it here. You can read this post again but I don't know if that would help because there was a major fall out in the summer to which he claims to have no recollection. That is why this man drives me nuts.

He can be acutely aware that I'm angry but still hasn't accepted that I'm a champion grudge holder. He thought that because I yelled at him in June that I was totally over it now. But I told him that there was no way he was getting off that easy. Some of the things he said to me were over-the-top and utterly ridiculous.

To which he said he was sorry. He admitted that he was an asshole and he didn't realize how much until after I broke up with him. He said he wants to earn back the level of trust I had in him when we were first together. How can you be mad at that? Well, how can I be mad at that?

We sat in hard, wooden chairs for more than three hours and just talked. I felt like I was getting to know who he was for the first time in all the years we've known each other. And it was... nice.

The atmosphere was relaxed. We mixed jokes with more serious conversation and laid out all of our concerns on the table. There were tales of our relationship past that we each remembered differently. Apparently, I was so tired one night that, when he tried to initiate sex, I told him, "Do what you want. I'm going to sleep". Which sounds exactly like something I would say.

We talked about the break up and it seems we both feel like we broke up at different times. I feel like it was the day I told him that I couldn't date him anymore because he was a mooch that wanted me to rent a car for him and his friends to drive to Tennessee. But we did sleep together for an entire winter after that. And he might have seen me with someone else and been outraged that I would cheat on him! But I didn't think I was cheating because I thought I had broken up with him hence my nonchalant attitude.

He thinks the day we broke up was the day we sat in my car and I told him that we were only going to be friends from that point on. The Scorpio even broke down what I was wearing and how my hair looked. He says that I cried and I did. I remember that night. I cried because I wanted him to have a reaction and instead he just stared out the windshield and (after a prolonged silence) said "What if that's not what I want". To which I responded that he didn't have a choice because I was seeing someone else and I wasn't going to cheat on that guy with him. So, he got out of the car and we didn't talk again until last April. Even when we saw each other out at the same place, we'd just nod and move on.

I don't know how to explain all of this except to say that I miss him. I really, truly miss having him around. He's the only person I know that will let me snuggle with him, drool on him and snore loudly without complaining. He's always ready to go out and have fun and he dresses me better than any of my gay friends ever could. You can't buy that in a store.

I guess what I'm saying is: "Sometimes you forgive people simply because you want them in your life." - The Noteboook. It's not the most profound thing I've ever read but it is simple enough to be true. And it totally allows me to justify my feelings. That'll have to work.

Righteous!

I am definitely trying to make the most of the last few weekends I have here in the Friendliest state in the Union. This weekend was packed as tight as the one before it and next weekend promises to be just as exciting.

It started on Friday, where I almost missed my own dinner because I got sidetracked by the thought of brats on a grill. It was only when I walked through my own threshhold that it dawned on me that I had people coming over to my own house for dinner. At my invitation. And I have a planner now. WTF?

But dinner turned out to be tons o' fun. I got to reconnect with some friends and gossip like we were in a hair salon. They headed out to the concert and I gave sad face but I needed to clean before The Scorpio came to pick up his cake. Believe it or not he was right on time. Like exactly. This even deserves a post all its own so I'll leave you in suspense.

Saturday was the Spring Game. It's my first taste of football since the Super Bowl and I was amped to go. I went with an old friend of mine and we talked about him and how he's been since we lost touch. Then, after the game, we hit up the mall for some ice cream and then after that I treated him to dinner. I mean, who wants to live in a world where someone doesn't know the deliciousness that is Carrabba's?

He was so nervous because he doesn't get treated often (I would hate to be a guy if it meant I always had to pay) but it was nice just to have company and someone to talk to. I loved watching him enjoy himself. I'm a giver that way. Plus, it's Prom Season. And there's nothing cuter than teenagers dressed in their glittery finest acting all grown up and such. It made me saw, "Awwwwww." out loud it was that cute.

It really was the perfect end to an already stellar day. I went home and took care of the animals. They were just excited to see me. And then I packed a bag and stayed at Mom's. She's never seen Twilight or New Moon. Nat and I are not fans of the series so we had decided to have a snark off. My favorite quote of the night, "Why doesn't someone just smack her already and move on?" -- Mom.

We went to dinner at Quaker Steak & Lube. Mom's husband was his usual rude self and we had two checks. One with him, April & Becca and then me, Mom and Nat. I don't want to say that it's because he hadn't intended for me and Nat to come. But it is because he thought that they were just going to leave without saying goodbye and then when we realized we weren't invited gave puzzled looks so Mom extended the invitation. Nice, huh?

I talked to the Scorpio some more on Sunday and we both want to try again but question whether we should we try again. I poured out my heart and made myself completely vulnerable. He told me it was sweet. I looked on in disdain. He explained it as being flattered that someone cares about him. I equate that to saying I love you and receiving a Thanks. You know?

I ended the night with a gyro, three shots of whiskey and a beer. Good times indeed.

If You Give A Mouse A Cookie...

Then you'll have to start carrying cookies with you everywhere you go just in case you see the mouse because now he has expectations.

The Scorpio and I had sex. It was unadventurous and I did not give it my best shot. Actually, I was kinda pissy the whole time. But he wouldn't allow that to deter him.

My problem? He now thinks that everytime we're in the same room together we're supposed to have sex. Or if we travel in the same vehicle and pass my house? He wonders why we didn't stop to get it on. Sunday, he informed me that it's been "so long" since he's had sex. It's been 11 days. Eleven. I feel like he needs to give the whining a break.

Yes, I know its my fault. And no, I have not told my therapist. But he's really killing me right now what with being so damned agreeable and attentive. I don't like it. If I start liking it then things will change and I don't want that.

I guess what I'm saying is that I like where our relationship is right now.

We can get together and do the mundane like shop for football cleats and computer software. We can have spirited arguments, like how Chris Brown could personally fund a battered woman's shelter and I STILL wouldn't let him play that son-of-a-bitch's CD in my car. We can laugh and joke and have lunch and be friends.

But sometimes, when he looks at me, I can tell he wants more than friendship. Other times, when he puts his hands on me, I am *sure* that he wants more than friendship. I've been completely honest with him and I believe that he knows where I stand but that doesn't mean he'll stop trying. Maybe I don't want him to stop trying? I'm not sure.

What I do know is that he wasn't *this* attentive when we were dating. I do like the attention but I don't like where it could lead. I have a well-known tendency to let the Scorpio to trample on my emotions. I will pat myself on the back and applaud my ability to keep my mother out of this whole thing. My stress levels are thanking me.

Anyways, that's what's going on there.

ohemgee! She's so cute! via Little Brownie Bakery's website

A hearty THANK YOU! to Mrs. G for saving Klea's life and giving me a sleeve of Thin Mints. She says that it's from the kindness of her heart but I'm sure there are other reasons. =)

Truth Be Told

It's not everyday that I lose my cool and air all my business online. Yes, I know that I currently maintain four blogs and you should totally stop judging. But the reality of it is that I tell all my business to you. The chosen few who have decided that I can, at times, be entertaining.

I try to keep my internet and real lives from bleeding into each other too much. Which should explain why I was surprised that she knew my name. The Scropio's girlfriend, I mean. She knew my name.

I've been angry with him for months. Not because I can't trust him;  I already knew that. I've been angry because of all the lies. I'm naive enough to believe that if I give you license to sow your wild oats you should have no cause to spew falseness. Because even though I agreed to having string-less encounters, I never expected to be lied to. I should have known better.

Her name is Abrielle. And the 25th would have been their one-year anniversary. Would have. It's such a sad phrase. She came to me because in a fit of anger I blasted The Scorpio for being the "lying, cheating son of a bitch with no respect for anyone including [himself]" that he is. And I did it on Twitter. She saw it and wondered what would make another woman, a simple friend from high school, so angry.

So she messaged me and asked if we could talk. I'll be honest with you. Based on our brief encounter months ago, I was expecting to be yelled at by a gold-tooth-sporting, bra-less, God-less cretin . What I got instead was a kindhearted, soft-spoken, wounded, professional woman in search of the truth.

I told her that how he and I dated four years ago and that he cheated on me throughout our relationship. I never told any of you this, but none of his friends knew we were dating. They thought I was just another harlot in his harem. And if you ask him when he and I broke up, he'll give you the wrong story.

I told her how he tweeted me in February, how we had an easy-going dinner where he swore he'd never done any of the horrible things to me that he was admitting having done to past lovers. Then we started sleeping together in March and it continued through late May.

I told her how he called me by her name.  How that inspired an even bigger fight between us. I told her about being at his football game because he asked me to. She remembers the bet. He was smart enough to tweet about it.

I told her how I asked why he was still worrying with her. After all, she was just an ex that wouldn't let go. Someone that he had tried to block on Twitter but one of her suitors was feeding her information from his time line. I told her that he painted her as a wild woman who showed up at his job and attacked me online for no reason.

I told her how he would be in my house, on my couch with me while texting her. I told her how I asked him outright if he was sleeping with her while sleeping with me. I told her that he said yes.

At first, I'm sure she didn't believe me. Or at least, didn't want to. What woman wants to be on the phone with their boyfriend's lover? But it's hard not to believe someone with a vivid memory of the 13 weeks that they allowed your boyfriend into their bed. It also helps that I put a good bit of it on the internet for the whole world to peruse and explore.

I knew that every truth that spilled from my lips was a knife to her heart. But I couldn't stop. Not because I wanted to hurt her but because I wanted her to choose for herself. Abrielle has a right to know the truth and to make her decisions from that knowledge. No woman, no human being, deserves to be manipulated for another person's gain. Whether that gain be financial, romantic, or, simply, time.

There were some things that I kept from her because I was ashamed. I didn't tell her that I was jealous of her because I wanted to be validated in my righteous indignation. I wanted to be the wounded one and instead I was inflicting the pain. I didn't tell her how I cried the night I finally accepted that he'd been lying to me and that even the things he said then were more lies. I didn't tell her how he spoke softly and said that he was only trying to protect me. That he had hoped that one day I could find it in my heart to forgive him. (That's a quote.)

I didn't tell her about his half-birthday dinner where we talked about love and life and future. I didn't tell her that, at times, I thought that maybe he and I could start again. I didn't tell her that he swore that once upon a time, he had tried to show me that he loved me everyday.

I've been cheated on before. And I've been used in another man's scheme. Neither feels better than the other. They are both equal villains. I'm not ashamed of the role I've played in Abrielle's life and I'm not proud either. I'm sad that I was used to hurt her so deeply. I'm sad that it took me four years to see what I should have realized in three months.

I'm not going to 'thank' The Scorpio for being a douche canoe because he doesn't deserve it. This isn't something he should be proud of. But I will say that this time the  bridge has been doused in kerosene and set ablaze. And that's finally the truth.

How Does That Make You Feel?



Pic via Life of a Fire Wife but obviously a Peanuts cartoon

Soooo, I'm back in therapy. And to be honest, I feel much, much better as a person. I had stopped going because when I told my family that I was in therapy what I heard in response was, "You're not crazy!", "You don't need therapy, you just need to relax", "I don't know, Dude. Therapy is for people that can't handle their own shit". So, I stopped. Against my therapist's (and my own) better judgment.

My life without therapy has sucked so hard that I can't describe it without vulgarity*. The worst part is that I began to believe that I should be able to handle all of the problems I was having without assistance. Well, I finally came to my senses and went back to see my therapist. You know its bad when you want to hug the one person in the world who's paid to judge because you feel like they're the only one not judging you.

I got her all caught up on the latest goings on. I told her about my Gramma, my mom, my girl scout cookies, about April and Rebecca, about Mr. T, about Little T, about the Scorpio, about all the babies, about the month of February and its significance and pretty much wept like a newly freed hostage. It felt good.

She gave me some guidelines for my life, which I need because I live for rules. She validated all of my feelings including the ones I've been told I'm not supposed (or allowed) to feel. And she has put herself in the position of being my scapegoat. If she were a man, I'd swear this was real love.

My rules:

• No more baby showers - until she decides I'm ready. At this point, they're just unhealthy for me.
• No holding other people's babies - until I decide I'm ready. Which will most likely occur when I have my own.
• No more unreciprocated giving - with the exception being to charities. She feels like my inate desire to help is being taken advantage of by certain people in my life who feel like they're entitled to receive my help without respect for my schedule or limitations.
• No more doing what other people want and/or expect - I'm to do what I want when I want provided I'm willing to accept the consequences of my actions. This is actually working out really well and has taken a load of stress off.
• I must put myself first - It's the age-old argument that you're no good to anyone else if you're not taking care of yourself. So, I have to create my nest egg before I give anyone else financial help. I have to refuse to give someone a ride if I already have plans. I have to tell you to wait until Thursday for me to pick that thing up because that's when I'm next free and you just have to deal with that.
• I must stop taking on other people's problems - She has recognized a tendency for me to cloak myself in other's issues and burdens and recommends that I tell them to get a therapist like I have.
• I must be thankful for at least one thing everyday - Even if I make it up and it feels like a lie.

The good news is: I'm not crazy. Yes, I still have obsessive and addictive tendencies. Yes, I still judge myself and others too harshly. Yes, I still have underlying feelings of guilt for my accomplishments and achievements. I'm still stubborn, head-strong, and under value myself. But we'll deal with those things in time.

She's hoping that soon I'll allow her to venture into the realm of things I don't talk about. I admitted that the reason I stopped going to see her is because she was on to me. She's astute enough to notice that while I can (and will) talk for hours, I can (and will) talk to you about the most vacuous of topics and in the end have told you nothing at all. Now it's just a battle of the "will"s. Will I allow myself to be vulnerable and open up to her? Or will I hold myself hostage behind this gilded cage forever?

* It sucked harder than an 800-pound man trying to get oxygen after a full marathon. It sucked harder than a porn star with Hoover-type tendencies and no gag reflex. It sucked harder than your mom after a free meal at Red Lobster. (Bazinga!)

So Ungrateful

I used to get depressed during the holiday season. There seems to be nothing for me to get excited about. Last year, I sat in my mother's house completely forgotten and this year, I spent the whole weekend stressed about everything. I know that I should find a way to be thankful. I know that I should spend more time focusing on the good or at least trying to make things good but I struggle with that in ways I can't make you understand.

My mother has never been the one to take control of anything. She does it on purpose. If she doesn't take control then she cannot be considered responsible for things falling apart. The problem with this is that she will not allow anyone else to take control either. She relishes in the role of "helper" which would be helpful if she didn't insist on doing everything her way.

I do take orders well. I tend to follow processes whichever way they are designed. My mother struggles with these things because she doesn't like being told what to do. She also wrestles with the idea of not always knowing what is right or best for someone else's life. This weekend I endured constant badgering about my relationship with the Scorpio. It resulted in me yelling at the top of my lungs that she should let it go because it's. never. gonna happen. Just never.

She told me that I needed to take notes on Nat's current relationship stressors because I would find myself saying these same things when I finally found someone. I, not so kindly, informed her that I would never take notes from Nat and that if Nat had any sense she wouldn't take any queues from mom. I also reminded her that I have lived with three different men in my life and managed to keep all of my stressors from her because she is always less than helpful.

Like the time this past summer when I was dogged by a particular group of friends. While I sat there at her kitchen table crumpled over in tears, she gave me one pat on my left shoulder. Her advice? "Don't cry. There's no point in crying. Now you can stop hanging out with them and find a group of people that are worth something. I never liked them anyway." This came complete with that half-hearted, half-assed, all-condescending pat on the back. I remember it feeling so cold that I wished she hadn't bothered to touch me at all.

She went on about my drinking, my cooking, my baking, my control issues, my dog. She demeaned my career path and how I went about finishing my degree. She called me ungrateful for walking away from a scholarship that "[someone who is not my mother] fought very hard to get for [me]. For what? A boy? Heh". She relentlessly gave her opinion on topics of which she has no knowledge and made me wonder in earnest why I bother to come around.

This was all put on hold briefly when I received a phone call from my dad. He was working all day. Our talk was brief and she wasted no time telling me how sad she was for me because it seemed like he really wanted a relationship with me before and now it had been reduced to almost nothing.

I hate this time of year. With Thanksgiving, my birthday, and Christmas coming in such rapid succession, I feel exposed to more ridicule and back handedness than any one person should have to endure in a 30 day window. Am I wrong in thinking that it's ok that I don't get the one thing I requested for my birthday? Everyone knows what I need but when you ask what I want, I'll tell you. What I don't expect to hear is, "Well, if I get you that it'll be for your birthday and Christmas". I don't expect to hear that because no one else in the house has to hear that. No one. Ever. I've watched her give away netbooks. In September. Just because.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. Scratch that. I do know what I'm trying to say. What I'm saying is that I hate my family. There have been many days when I've prayed that I could start over. I spent a good chuck of my life trying to get married so that I could legitimately have a family of my own. I know that I can't make them better people and I can't yet walk away. But when the time comes that my promise has been fulfilled, I'm gone. I did it before and my soul was never more at peace. I hate the feeling of being bound to them. More than you know.

Not Another Theme Day

I see that Random Thoughts Tuesday is all the rage. I am not a follower and I don't think I can handle another theme day; one is exhausting so I will post for you "What's on J-Bird's Mind: A Frightening Look Into Her Inner Sanctum". You're welcome.

Why are boys/men so stupid? Here I am, freaking out because I'm over 25 and this is the age that I promised myself that I would settle the eff down and focus on having a family and they have the audacity to question my ability to commit or to say crazy shit like "It's not a question of if I want to, but rather, should I". I almost hit his face with my fist.

Family secrets hurt. I have one that I kept for almost 11 years. I told Nat on Sunday and you know what? It didn't make me feel any better. It's been so long that I've held this secret that that part of me is dead now so it's almost like it didn't make a difference. At least not to me. To her it meant everything.

CBS111 can go to hell for the song she just put in my head.

Lying and cheating are unacceptable. Even if you're my father. So when you say that you're with your girlfriend and you're not leaving her, then you say you went on two dates but its' not cheating I become confused. I don't care if she's doing two more tours before she comes home. Cheating is cheating. So don't give me this crap about how the two of you broke up before she left because I don't believe that either. Liar face.

My mom is on Facebook and even though she could write the app that the entire system runs on she can't figure out how to accept your friendship.

Grammy calls Facebook "Faceplace" as in, "J-Bird! Did you know that you're on Faceplace?".

I've started to use clinical strength deodorant. I'm only posting this so that the rest of you chronic sweaters will realize that there is no shame in accepting help. My pits have been so dry that at first, I thought I had a hormone problem. It's nice to feel normal for a change.

I made the Scorpio a cake and sent it home with him. Now, I want my plate back.

Someone called me today and they were having sushi for lunch. I actually cried because 1. I don't trust sushi in this state. Where could they be getting the seafood from as we don't have any bodies of water. 2. I'm at least 20 minutes from a good sushi bar. 3. The thought of Kroger sushi makes me mentally throw up.

Jealousy is not a good color on me.

I had a dream about what my baby would look like. And I called her Frankie. I miss her even though she's not here yet.

I'm back in the candle business because people want to buy from me and I believe that you should give the people what they want.

I almost had sex on Friday. I say almost because I totally freaked out at the thought of having sex with someone. It's been awhile by choice and I didn't want to ruin my "No sex without monogamy" streak over some piercing green eyes. It's pretty bad when you grab your top and say, "No! I can't do this"

Him: *chuckle* Ok.

Me: I'm serious.

Him: Why?

Me: It's been months.

Him: *chuckle*

Me: *blink*

Him: Well, it's like riding a bike. I'll show you.

Me: I want monogamy. I want to be in a relationship with the person I'm intimate with.

Him: *gets off of me*

It just occured to me that Mother's Day is in less than two weeks and all I could say in response to that was, "Ain't that about a bitch!".

Dear Scorpio,

You and me, together, is quite possibly a bad idea. Actually, I polled people and it is, in fact, a bad idea. For who we were 3 years ago. But for who we are today? Well, let's review. I've grown to be incredibly paranoid but also much more comfortable with myself and who I am. You? Well, I notice that you've made some very positive changes.

You've gone from being a boy with no focus and goo-gobs of potential to being a man with his own business and target goals. You also have that rock hard body (which is super sexy to look at but a bitch to snuggle up against) and God knows that's a MEGA plus. And it's been 24 hours since you held me last but I can still feel you on my skin. You've also become extremely punctual which I love because it shows that you are taking other people into consideration. I love these things.

But we're so dangerously different. You are calm where I am manic. You are patient where I jump in. You are measured where I am overflowing. You operate with purpose while I insist on going with the tide. You see reason when all I can see are emotions. I can't figure out why you would be drawn to me, or vice versa for that matter. Well, at least you think my quips are funny.

What I do know is that you are on my mind constantly. And it is due, in part, to the fact that you are becoming a fixture in my life again. And as much as I would like to allow myself to free fall into your piercing gaze, I can't be sure that you would catch me. The feelings I had for you once are still there, lying dormant under layers of hurt and disappointment. I can't let you bring those to the surface unless you can promise to take care of them.

I've always been open with you and you've always known where I stand. I sometimes wish that I could get the same from you. I wish that it wasn't so hard to get inside your head. When I think of how hard it really will be to have a mature, adult relationship with you and I think about how much I'm going to have to change (albeit, for the better), I still want to try with you. I can only hope that is enough because trying's all I've got.

I can't tell you what we should do but we both know what we want to do. Maybe you could try jumping in with both feet. You might actually like it.

Day 11: A Recent Photo of Me

I'm gonna be honest. I don't really want to put a recent photo of me up here because no one ever seems to have a camera on the days when I feel foxy! I kinda wanted to put the photo of me and the Scorpio but then I thought that he might not be pleased about being identified on my blog. So you get this photo here. It's from a work function.

I don't remember what song we're dancing to or why we're having so much doggone fun but that's probably because I was liiiiiiiiittttt!

I Scared Myself Straight

This weekend was cuh-razy!

So many things happened that could have been avoided but, true to form, I tackled them head on with my bow and arrow aimed for the gullet.

On Friday, I still hadn't found a way to be at peace with myself. I have a tendency to dwell on things and the episode with The Scorpio, blocking calls from my mother, dodging Averi, and not hearing from my brother were all weighing on me heavily. (Ethan is ok, I just haven't spoken to him in months. It makes me anxious).

I was driving along, minding the Mercedes in front of me. He was going 25 in a 40 and I had had enough. I waited my turn, put my blinker on, and changed lanes to the left all so he could cut me off and cross 3 lanes of traffic. I throw my hands up in the air, ask him what the fuck he's doing and glare in his direction. After he's made it from the middle right lane to the left-hand turn lane he glances into my car where I'm still scowling at him.

I drive another three lights and have managed to merge, with class and without incident, to the left turn lane. I've even turned by now. And I'm another two lights down this cross street when I hear someone yell into my car, "You got something you want to say to me?". I ignore it because I'm at the cool mall with the bus line and this won't be the first time I've been approached by riff-raff. But it's after he speaks again that I turn my head.

It's the Mercedes. I tell him to "...get away from me". There's no need for expletives in the first warning. He tells me that if I don't want trouble then I shouldn't do "that". Now I'm pissed. I roll the window all the way down and ask if he likes to teach lessons. I let him know that I'm a teacher too and if he doesn't have anything else to do on a Friday than to follow me around town, he can keep on because he'll get what he came for. He rolls his eyes and begins to mock me. I park the car and unbuckle my seat belt.

He doesn't know me. And I've forgotten who I am.

I reach around the back seat, grab my purse, and pull out the mace. I reach under the passenger seat and I'm getting the crowbar. It's when the car behind me honks that I remember who I really am and where I am. I'm ashamed of who I was about to become.

I was ten seconds away from becoming the girl that none of you know. The one who would never back down from a fight. The one who plans for the worst because she doesn't know that there's better. The girl who has all the wrong people on speed dial and makes sure you get that first, calm warning so that everything afterward can be justified.

I'm the girl who got into fights on the playground but had it excused because I got straight A's. The one who beat a freshman kid's ass in front of the Principal's office because he told everyone he had sex with my sister. I'm the one who walked back to her rapist's dorm with a gun. I'm the girl who left her drug dealing boyfriend but kept the inside contacts. I'm the girl who managed to do dirt but walk away with her hands clean.

I lived my life without fear. I didn't need to be afraid because I had nothing to live for.

This is where I should say that Jesus saved me but that would be a lie. Jesus didn't save me, love did.

Friday night I scared the shit out of myself because it occured to me that I was living like I had nothing to live for. And when you have nothing to live for you stop living. I don't want to lead a life where I merely exist.

But I've got to be my own hero because currently there's no one else here to save me.

The Sins of The Father...

Once upon a time, I was sitting at my computer logged onto MySpace. I wasn't looking to do anything except for update my status. I was getting dressed to go out that night. It was a house party if I remember correctly and I'd just bought this yellow top and it was gonna be ON!



*ahem*



So, I was sitting at my computer and I got this message that was like, "J-Bird, baby. You need to call me like ASAP". I didn't know this person. I'd only ever met him once. The only reason I even remembered him is because of his name -- it's very non-traditional. Naturally, I thought something must be wrong and I wanted to fix it. So I called and he said everything was ok and asked if I wanted to talk and get something to eat.



I had already eaten but told him that another day would be better and we made plans. Now, I had to go and pick him up because he had no vehicle and he still lived at home. It's weird because looking back on it he was in blatant violation of 2 of my 3 rules. * Little did I know that he would violate all three.



But I go and pick him up and he wants to go to Applebee's. Ick! I'm not a fan of that place. But I went because like my father, I can find something on the menu anywhere I go. There really are only a handful of things I won't eat like insects, snakes, brains, feet, entrails, you know, logical stuff. But we go to dinner and I've got my hair up and he's wearing a ball cap and we are eating and talking and I want to know why he stood my sister up for Homecoming and then the check comes and there's only one and he takes it and it dawns on me that this is a date. Heh.



That's how I ended up dating The Scorpio three years ago.



That relationship was... taxing. I drove him around everywhere and he never paid for gas. The one time I forced it on him he did it begrudgingly and acted as if it were my civic duty to cart him 30 minutes in and out of town. He laughed so loud at jokes that I would miss the next one. He asked me to co-sign on a car loan once. I laughed so hard it hurt his feelings. But that's when I decided that I would never accept an on-line proposition again.



Enter The Cub. That's what we're gonna call him because the sweet little dear isn't even old enough to buy me a drink. He can't even get in unless it's teen night. Awwwww... I know, right? Now, I talk a good game but honestly, I'm not inspired to be absolutely mean to people unless they rub me the wrong way. And this one is trying so hard to rub me the right way that it's just too precious to resist.



He wants to "kno" me. Without the "w". Isn't it just the sweetest? Don't you just wanna sit down and get him hooked on phonics? 'Cause I do. I just want to have him meet me in the library and sit and teach him Etymology. I was a regional spelling bee champ, I owe it to the world to share my gift. Because all he is to me is an underaged, illiterate, faux 'gangsta' in need of guidance and a dictionary. I would text him that but I've got thumb cramps right now.


* 1. Thou must have thine own place.
2. Thou must have thine own transportation.
3. Thou must have gainful employment.

Feeling Curmudgeonly

Lately, I’ve been a first-class bitch to my exes.

Examples:

GED posted on Facebook that he wants someone to buy him a Nintendo Wii for his birthday. Now, we are not together anymore but when we were I bought him a game console for his birthday because it would change life as he knew it. (Him: “Please! Baby, please! I really want this thing. It’s gonna be so tight! And think of the money we’ll save because it has a Blu Ray player in it. It’s like getting Blu Ray for free!”). So to his new post I said “I already bought you a game console. That’s a lifetime limit right there”. He called to say that he didn’t mean me personally but you know what? The point still stands. How many game consoles does one absentee father need? Ok. I’m just being mean now.

The African wants to know what I’m up to this weekend. I told him that I’m going out with my boyfriend for his birthday. Then he offered to come and take care of me while I fight this cold. I respectfully declined. He asked if I remember how nice he was. I told him I remembered instances over the course of our relationship where he was cordial, yes. But he kept pushing about seeing me and honestly, I lost it. I totally verbally plagiarized my Bestie and said, “I remember that it took my face a few weeks to heal and it took my pride a lot longer”. He said he had to go.

And then to my ex, the Scorpio, the words were softer in nature but still blatantly honest.
· Of course we won’t work out. Do you know that we have the same signs as Ike and Tina Turner?
· If this were Fatal Attraction, you would be Michael Douglas, I would be the devoted wife, your phone is Glenn Close, and the rabbit is our love.
· How can you not get it? YOU KILLED OUR LOVE WITH YOUR PHONE!
· Yeah, I remember that. *grade school giggle*
· That was a really good night.
· No, the memories are good enough.
· I’m not telling you where I live.
· Because there would be no witnesses.
· Stop trying to entice me.
· Really? Would you mind being a reference for me?
· Or like write a letter or something?
· Most guys wouldn’t believe that I can do that.
· Why are you upset? We’re not together now.
· *curmudgeonly cough* So sexy. I think you can come over now and get some of this.
· Fine. I see how it is. I’m gonna cough in your cake.
· What! There’s no way I’m paying that.
· You’re worth, like, a fourth an ice cream cake.
· Well, that’s just to me. Maybe you should do a poll or something.

I don't know what else to put here so I'll just tell you that I'm sick and I've got chills right now. I blame my mom.

Livin' A Stainy Life

There are stains on my sweater. It kinda looks like I had a really juicy, exceptionally greasy hamburger and just let it run all down my front... and I don't care. Which is how I've been living my life the last few days. Just whatever happens will happen and I'm not in the mood to pretend to have control over it.

I have an ungodly amount of laundry that needs to be done and I have the money and time just not the motivation. There are 6 glasses and 3 pans in my sink that I haven't washed. Now, you would think that I'm allowed this because I washed everything else. But the truth is that I haven't cooked in over a week and those glasses are from the random drink of water I place on my nightstand every night. Classy, huh?

Side bar: Ohemgee, I spent SO MUCH MONEY this weekend! Like, yes, I paid all of my bills the moment my paycheck hit. And yes, I got the hair cut I've been talking about for over a year (maybe two). Sure, Klea has all her shots and got a new batch of flea treatment. But damn!, I spent a lot of money! Living is hard, you guys.



The Scorpio came over last weekend and I hadn't cleaned a thing. What he said was, "See! *This* is natural!". What I heard was, "OMG, you're an effing slob!". Same thing really. But since he didn't volunteer to take out the trash and left his apple core on my table, I'm sure that his place looks as bad or worse.

He and I are kinda fighting in that we're not really fighting because we're not a couple but there is a Mexican stand-off of sorts going where I don't acknowledge any of his extracurricular activities and he pretends not to notice. And he hasn't asked or offered to spend time with me so I pretend that I like sitting in my apartment by myself. Which, for the record? I very much hate spending time by myself. It's kinda creepy and I'm worried that some crack head is going to come through my window and stab me in the neck with a filthy needle. I should probably move.

But that's about it. I'm back to living my life like a recluse except I'm doing it out of I don't know why rather than depression or necessity. I just have all this energy that I want to get out but I can't do it by myself because that's just weird. I really miss having a roommate and just someone else in the house to keep all the weird noises at bay. I swear on everything I own that I heard footsteps in my attic! Which is insane, right? And they couldn't get past that lock I put on the drop door anyway. HahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Maybe I just need some sleep?