Friday, August 27, 2010

No Means No In At Least Six Languages

Three times!


Whoot! Whoot! All aboard the Crazy Train! First Stop: 6 hour courtship!

See, it happened like this...

********** flashback music and fairytale dust **********

Rollback: I'm glad that I could change your mind.

Me: Excuse me?

Rollback: I'm sure that now that you know the facts you understand.

Me: No.

Rollback: What?

Me: You didn't change my mind. I respect your position but I am steadfast in my beliefs. It upsets me that your only goal was to change my mind about what I believe.

Rollback: But I gave you the facts!

Me: And?

Rollback: Aww, well.

*** pause ***

*** pause, pause ***

Rollback(Cue sickly sweet, more disturbing than romantic voice): I guess now that we've had our serious conversation we should just get married. (cue horror movie scream)

Me: Excuse me? (I say that a lot when I'm at a loss for words)

Rollback: We should just get married.

Me: No.

Rollback: Yeah. We should just get married.

Me: Ummm... well. I know I should be flattered but I'm not. This has to be the shortest courtship in the history of proposals. So, no.

********** back to life... back to reality... **********

You would think that this would be the only [three] time(s) he proposed, but if it were then I wouldn't have grounds for legitimately thinking he's got a half dozen screws loose.

Every day he would call me at the most ridiculous hours. 9:30 am, 2:30 pm. I know that it shouldn't seem like this is a stupid idea but I work the normal 9 - 5 and I told him this. His calling me during business hours is blatant disrespect for my effort to pay my own bills. And it proves that he never, ever listened to me. Not once.

The next night he called was a Wednesday. I was sitting with my mom in her kitchen talking about him (believe it or not) and just how ludicrous his theories are. When I told him that I couldn't talk because I was having dinner with my mom, his response was, "So, you live with your mother?". Umm, no! How can that be your natural assumption? Finally, I told him that we were on our way out to church and to not call me because I would call him. Actually, I went out with Averi and Staci that night. Regardless, at the end of that 14 minute phone call, he asked me to marry him again. The answer was still no.

The rest of the week passed with me ignoring his calls because I didn't have the emotional strength to go forward with what would inevitably be equivalent to me talking to a wall or arguing with Pat Robinson... pointless. I finally answered him again on Saturday but only on the second attempt because the first time he called me at SEVEN O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING! Who, in their right mind, calls anyone before 9 am on any given day? Who, I ask you! Granted, I was already on the phone because I have a standing 7:30 am phone date with my daddy every Saturday but his call was still unwelcome.

When we talked it was only briefly. I told him twice that I was going to be busy that day and just picked up out of curiosity. He wasn't listening. He kept rambling on. So, I finally set the phone down, walked away, and got in the shower. When I came out, I had missed 3 calls. *gives you the face of someone who doesn't care*

I lost my phone that night and didn't get a replacement until Tuesday. He called and, like a fool, I answered. He said he thought I'd changed my number on him. I only wish I had. I kept that conversation short using family dinner and my busy schedule on deck as my excuses. The next day we went to Cedar Point and he called me three times, even though I told him that I was busy with family. Three times! and when I told Mom all she managed to do was berate me for not having dismissed him yet. (Although, she thoroughly disapproved of my phone "incident").

Thursday came and he called like I knew he would. It had been a long day but a successful one. I had just come from signing my new lease and was on an adrenaline high. I was going to take charge of that conversation and for the first time in a week, he was going to listen to me. I talked about Nat and my worries for her. I talked about my new place and how quaint it is. I talked about my car and about how it needs work. I talked about my finances and how I'm on a track toward financial freedom. I talked for 12 minutes. Just twelve. And I continued to change the topic because every time I took a breath he would interject.

With Nat, he could only hope that "she don't get hooked up with no nigga and get preehhgnent". My new place couldn't be as nice as his house in Atlanta and I could "live [there] instead if I was willing to relocate". My car could be fixed by the guy he knows and he'd pay for it if we got married. He's been saving for years! He is an avid advocate of saving your money and that's why we should just get "meehhreed". If we got married then he would take care of all of that stuff for me and I'd never have to worry again. Because when he gets married this time, it's gonna be forever; he's never getting divorced again. They'll be together until they die.

Let me tell you something about Sag Girls:
Now, for all my Sag sisters out there who got roped down, you know that the statements above still ring true. It's just your love was smart enough to be strong but kind, firm but lenient, and  to let you miss him.

And for the ones that came before your love? They got dismissed... just like Rollback. Only he didn't take it well...

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