Meeting Mr. Right On Time

We all know how hard it is to find someone that we would actually want to spend the rest of our lives with. For those of us that didn't come across him before age 28, it's getting harder everyday. For the umpteenth time, I've turned to online dating. Except, I went the free route. I can't even make you understand how awesome and yet exhausting it has been.

I met someone immediately who seemed like he was worth the time I was investing. He said all the right things. Remembered the smallest details. Schmoozed my mom and sisters by phone. Begged me to bring my dog to his place so that I could stay the night. And then... wore sweatpants. Like, actual grey sweatpants. He was SUPER comfortable in a relationship that was only weeks old.

I won't dwell on it anymore. I've told the story at least 4 times and each time I become even more exasperated. Let's just chalk it all up to a waste of time. Eh. It could be worse.

However, in a fit of spite and anger, I did plan a drinks date with someone else. Then, I told him I was doing it. Because I am a highly sought after woman! AND IF HE COULDN'T FIGURE THAT OUT ON HIS OWN THEN I WAS GOING TO SHOW HIM!

It might have come across as a tad bit crazy.

Oh, well.

Let's suffice it to say that I was none too thrilled about having to get dressed up again for another man that would very likely be wearing sweatpants. Especially one that didn't have the strong jaw and piercing green eyes.

But I was not let down. The Engineer is different. He has a career and a genuine interest in me. I found it funny that we flowed easily into a conversation about electrical work all because I caught him staring at the industrial ceiling. He gets my jokes. And when I told him about my beliefs, he accurately described it as "spiritual but not religious". I was so caught off guard that I could only stare wide-eyed.

He has brothers and sisters and gets why it's important for a kid to have both. And if you read our profiles, it looks like one plagiarized the other. We both love the local festivals and are eagerly learning the city. He even likes live music.

I don't know when I'll ever learn to stop judging books by their covers. I don't know that I ever will. All I know is that The Engineer wants to see me again... on Saturday... night... and I couldn't be more excited.

I'm A Quitter

I've started smoking again. That's how far out of control I feel my life is.

And I've stopped my meds. I can feel the crazy creep up on me every so often.

I am pulling away from my therapist. I just decided one day that she didnt know what she was talking about and couldnt be trusted.

I'm making simple (yet expensive) mistakes at work. I tallied up over a thousand dollars in the past two weeks.

This isn't who I am. I'm not the girl who cries every night after work. I'm not that girl who blogs on her cell phone from a bathroom stall.

Yet, that's what I'm doing. This is who I've become. I recently decided to put in another two and a half years at this job if they'll have me. Meaning I've got to get my head back in the game.

I'm going back to school in the winter.

I'm going to see my doctor in a few weeks.

I'm going back to kickboxing and cardiovascular workouts next week.

I'm taking my life back.

I'm quitting failure.

You are my witness.

Two Weekends, One Recap

(OMG I've got to get back to posting regularly!)

Going Backwards in Order of Occurrence:

I'm going on vacation!!! To Guatemala! Mom and I made the executive decision last night that our family needs. to. get. away. I'm super excited. We figured that it's going to cost approximately $2000 per person. Which is not a lot of money when you take into account that it includes airfare, transport to and from Guatemala City, and the entire 5-bedroom, 5 bath house with solar-heated pool, sauna, hammock deck, maid, house man, personal chef and on-call masseuse. I'm not even going to give you the info for the owner until I take my own vacation because if the week I want gets snapped up I will be a very grumpy blogger. But we've set our sights on January 2012. It's during the dry season and it's off peak. So while $2000 is an shit ton of cash to come up with, we do have 15 months to make it happen. Plans were put into place last night.

We went apple picking this past Saturday. It was more fun than I can explain. First, April wrapped herself tighter than a hot dog because she was afraid that insects might crawl into her hoodie. We laughed raucously at her silliness. She seemed to forget all about that when the first rotten apple hit her though. I very much did it on purpose. But I might have thought twice about it if I'd known it would start a war that involved running through 3 rows of someone else's orchard. 3 bushels of apples later, we were heading home to peel, slice, and spice them. I've got 3 ziploc bags prepped and ready to fill the perfect pie crusts. Apple sauce and muffins will come later this week.

Last Sunday, Mom and I did some serious shopping. I bought a carpet remnant to put in my kitchen. That's right. My kitchen. It has occurred to me that I may not want to do this because of spills and trapped germs but I like to walk around barefoot and there's nothing worst than a cold, hard, kitchen floor to turn me off of cooking, baking and general cleaning. So, I rolled out the 10' x 8' remnant and trimmed it around the appliances and baseboards. It's a little crooked but I don't care. My toesies feel so snug wrapped in the long fibers. And my pup loves hanging out with me while I'm in there being a domestic diva. I also made a banana chocolate chip bread that I ended up bringing to work. I didn't want it but I had bananas to use. Thankfully the oven didn't burn it (although it was very brown) and the people at work seemed to love it!

We also went to Home Goods to check out mirrors and art. Mom found the perfect piece to fill her hall way and I questioned the quality of their furniture. Some stuff was pricey for how flimsy it seemed. But that could just be the new frugal me making sure I spend my precious pennies wisely. After all of that we still found time to catch a movie. We saw You Again with Kristen Bell and Jamie Lee Curtis. The film was forgettable and I remain convinced that Kristen Bell just cannot carry a film.

Saturday was the best day by far. April seems to be getting older more quickly every day. All she really wanted to do was hang at the mall with her friends. But we dragged her to The New Albany Classic. It was so much fun! And this year's talent was local band New Hollow and American Idol celeb David Archuleta(cue high school girls screaming)! Do me a solid, OK? If you have a teenage girl in your life, tell her about New Hollow. These guys are high schoolers living the dream. Their talent is real, I promise! Also, look for me in their video because they totally taped it at the classic and I'm jumping up and down per my instructions. I'm in the back, with all the other parents and guardians and the 5 50-year-old women who came 3 hours early to see David Archuleta and then were ushered to the back so that the children could have a better view. Yup. There were 5 of them. Cougars. Snapping photos and singing his songs. The new songs. On the CD that doesn't come out for another month. It's just sad. That boy is young enough to call them Grandma.

When Rebecca had reached her fill of the concert and April was done vying amongst her friends for David's attention, we took a stroll around. It was magnificent and so well put together. Becca and I hit up dozens of rides, the petting zoo, and the inflatable kids' park while April and Mom went and scounted out all the different food stands. When we finally met up, they had ice cream, kettle corn, hot dogs, chips, fries, cookies, and weren't trying to share! April ended up having a blast by the time it was all over because it seems that at least 4 of her friends were "forced" to spend a family day at The Classic as well. Funny how that worked out...

All in all, I've been making some great memories with the fam and it feels good. It's that nuclear awesomeness that I'm loving the feeling of and hoping that we continue to grow in to. So, that's all for now!

P.S. - I made a big girl decision and decided against buying some shoes that I totally have the money for because I received a check for a couple of hundred bucks in the mail. I've decided to put it in the bank for other, more promising rewards (like Guatemala!) but God does it hurt to be so responsible!



Guatemala photo found here.

Doesn't Every Post Deserve a Title

Scene: I'm driving the "Mom Van" to my local grocery store. I debate whether I should detour and get carry-out chicken wings instead. I know I shouldn't because my pantry and freezer and quite literally spilling over with food. But still...

Cilantro. Tomatoes. Chips.
Cilantro. Tomatoes. Chips.
That's all we're gonna buy because that's all we need for guacamole.
Ooooh! B-Dubs! Today is wing Tuesday...
No! No, J-Bird! Cilantro. Tomatoes. Chips.

Damn this traffic!
"Hey, Asshole!" *honks horn for 10 solid seconds before realizing she looks like a murderous stepmother*

*gas light comes on* Cheese and Rice! I'm definitely getting chicken now.

Scene: In the grocery store produce section.

Cilantro. Avocado? No, I have those. I should get another one though. Mmm, jalapenos. I'll get one of those too; make it spicy.

Where are the tomatoes? I should have totally scoped this place out before I was hungry.

What was that last thing?

Me: Huh?
Grocery Store Produce Guy: Are you finding everything OK?
Me: Oh, yup. Except tomatoes. Do you only have these super expensive because you cut them from the plant but left the vine intact and then squished them into an ill-fitting plastic container tomatoes? Or can I get some regular ones?
GSPG: The other ones are over here.
Me: Cool beans.

As you can see, my grocery trip was pretty mundane. It's the standard food acquisition attempt. I continued to walk around aimlessly, feigning interest in the store's displays while looking for the perfect tortilla chip with which to consume my planned dinner.

No way! Tostitos on sale!?! Bust a move! *begins to dance foolishly in the snack aisle*

I walk toward the registers to see him. My Ex. The African.

**Confidently, I walk past him with my basket swinging off my arm. He doesn't notice me so I begin to scan my loyalty card secretly hoping that the loud hussy will say my full name in a tone that he can hear at his register. She lets me down. I need help finding the produce code on an item. Fortunately, the cashier assistant is in close proximity.

Me (voice tinkling like a tiny bell): Excuse me, miss? My tomatoes don't have a produce number and I don't see them on this screen. Are you able to help me?
Miss: Sure. This button here and voila! You're all set.
Me: Why thank you so kindly.
The African: J-Bird!?! Is that you?
Me: The African? *smiles gently and extends hand for cordial shake* I barely noticed you. How have you been?
The African: Oh my god! You look great! Are you losing weight?
Me: You noticed? Thank you for noticing. ***Nolan says that he can't tell a difference what with seeing me everyday and all.
The African: Nolan? You're married.
Me: No, you know I don't believe in it. But we did just have our first baby, Storey. They're around here somewhere.
The African: Uh huh. *gives me skeptical look*
*Up walks my super sexy baby machine. Tall like Brady Quinn, face like Freddie Prinze Jr, hair like John Krasinski, and super dedicated with our baby strapped to his chest. Think that one time that Carrie saw Aiden being all happily married with his baby strapped to his chest, only I'm Aiden and being super snarkily bitchy about it.*
Me: Yup.
*Nolan grabs our groceries and I grab his hand as our super adorable baby who obviously just got picked up for a Gerber commercial coos gently.*

Fin.
Or maybe...

OH. MY. GAWD. Did he see me? Stand still, J-Bird, stand still. No, he doesn't see me. OK. OK. He's on the phone. We can do this. Just back up slowly and silently.

*runs two aisles over*

Oh! Perrier! With lemon! Well, we're gonna get two of those. Yay, us!

*tip toes sneakily to the Self Checkout behind The African*

We can do this. We can get out of here and he'll never have to know we were this close. Dammit! Come on you bastard jalapeno, scan!

Dammit! Oh! She'll help me.

Me: Excuse me.

*woman continues to walk away*

Me: Excuse me.

She's gonna make me chase her?

Me: Excuse me, miss!

Oh, I know this bitch can here me!

Me: Hey! Excuse! Me!
Her: Oh! I didn't even see you! lolololololol
Mmmhmmm. You gonna make me get all...

The African: J-Bird! Hey!

Me: Ack!

Her: You made her just about jump out her skin. lololololol (she is quite the cackle-y bitch, isn't she?)

The African: How are you?

Me: Um, well, I'm good. I've started eating again. heh.

What the hell is wrong with you? He can look at your fat ass and tell that you've been eating! You're in a grocery store! Get it together, Bird! Get your head in the game!

The African: What have you been up to?

Me (ferociously bagging groceries): OK. Bye. ****

He looked so sad. It's quite obvious that I'm avoiding him like the plague. What's worst is that I wanted to say was, "How am I? I'm trying to figure out why you get to stand here looking all GQ with your dark jeans, purple striped button down and fantastic leather wing tips while I'm here in shorts that say '*    S    T    A    R' and breaking out like a 16-year-old, Halo-playing virgin". But I didn't because I couldn't find my tongue. There's something about his dark, bespectacled, statuesque body that makes me absolutely stupid.

And then? When I went to get wings? The Trainer was in B-Dubs. I cannot believe that I went through all of that to change my phone number and still managed to come into contact with both of these fools.

You wouldn't happen to have a plane ticket I could borrow?


** Events recorded here may or may not be based on actual occurrences or delusions of grandeur.

*** Is that not the perfect man name?

**** If I'm a punk, you're mom's a bowling ball. Yeah, deal with that.

The Sins of The Father...

Once upon a time, I was sitting at my computer logged onto MySpace. I wasn't looking to do anything except for update my status. I was getting dressed to go out that night. It was a house party if I remember correctly and I'd just bought this yellow top and it was gonna be ON!



*ahem*



So, I was sitting at my computer and I got this message that was like, "J-Bird, baby. You need to call me like ASAP". I didn't know this person. I'd only ever met him once. The only reason I even remembered him is because of his name -- it's very non-traditional. Naturally, I thought something must be wrong and I wanted to fix it. So I called and he said everything was ok and asked if I wanted to talk and get something to eat.



I had already eaten but told him that another day would be better and we made plans. Now, I had to go and pick him up because he had no vehicle and he still lived at home. It's weird because looking back on it he was in blatant violation of 2 of my 3 rules. * Little did I know that he would violate all three.



But I go and pick him up and he wants to go to Applebee's. Ick! I'm not a fan of that place. But I went because like my father, I can find something on the menu anywhere I go. There really are only a handful of things I won't eat like insects, snakes, brains, feet, entrails, you know, logical stuff. But we go to dinner and I've got my hair up and he's wearing a ball cap and we are eating and talking and I want to know why he stood my sister up for Homecoming and then the check comes and there's only one and he takes it and it dawns on me that this is a date. Heh.



That's how I ended up dating The Scorpio three years ago.



That relationship was... taxing. I drove him around everywhere and he never paid for gas. The one time I forced it on him he did it begrudgingly and acted as if it were my civic duty to cart him 30 minutes in and out of town. He laughed so loud at jokes that I would miss the next one. He asked me to co-sign on a car loan once. I laughed so hard it hurt his feelings. But that's when I decided that I would never accept an on-line proposition again.



Enter The Cub. That's what we're gonna call him because the sweet little dear isn't even old enough to buy me a drink. He can't even get in unless it's teen night. Awwwww... I know, right? Now, I talk a good game but honestly, I'm not inspired to be absolutely mean to people unless they rub me the wrong way. And this one is trying so hard to rub me the right way that it's just too precious to resist.



He wants to "kno" me. Without the "w". Isn't it just the sweetest? Don't you just wanna sit down and get him hooked on phonics? 'Cause I do. I just want to have him meet me in the library and sit and teach him Etymology. I was a regional spelling bee champ, I owe it to the world to share my gift. Because all he is to me is an underaged, illiterate, faux 'gangsta' in need of guidance and a dictionary. I would text him that but I've got thumb cramps right now.


* 1. Thou must have thine own place.
2. Thou must have thine own transportation.
3. Thou must have gainful employment.

Handymen

I want one that looks just like this

I have lived with men before. Boyfriends, step-dads, brothers but its honestly been about 5 years. So needless to say, I've forgotten some things like the meaning of the phrase "I'm going to bed".

Last night, I was dog tired. I fell asleep on the couch watching television. When they woke me and demanded that I go to bed I said, "In a minute" because everywhere I looked something needed to be picked up. Cups, snack bowls, laptops, shoes, coats, the whole nine. They assured me that they'd do it. That I could go to sleep knowing that it would be done and to just relax a bit.

When I woke up there were cups, snack bowls, laptops, and shoes all over my living room. But they had turned out the lights. So, that's a win for me, right? If not, I'm going to take it as one because life is too short. And I'd bet money that they were patting each other on the back for a job well done.

Also, I have t.v. in my living room now! Holla!! This is another bonus to having guys in the house. I gave them the DTV kit and in about 10 minutes I was watching all my fav shows on my big ass screen.