Meeting Mr. Right On Time

We all know how hard it is to find someone that we would actually want to spend the rest of our lives with. For those of us that didn't come across him before age 28, it's getting harder everyday. For the umpteenth time, I've turned to online dating. Except, I went the free route. I can't even make you understand how awesome and yet exhausting it has been.

I met someone immediately who seemed like he was worth the time I was investing. He said all the right things. Remembered the smallest details. Schmoozed my mom and sisters by phone. Begged me to bring my dog to his place so that I could stay the night. And then... wore sweatpants. Like, actual grey sweatpants. He was SUPER comfortable in a relationship that was only weeks old.

I won't dwell on it anymore. I've told the story at least 4 times and each time I become even more exasperated. Let's just chalk it all up to a waste of time. Eh. It could be worse.

However, in a fit of spite and anger, I did plan a drinks date with someone else. Then, I told him I was doing it. Because I am a highly sought after woman! AND IF HE COULDN'T FIGURE THAT OUT ON HIS OWN THEN I WAS GOING TO SHOW HIM!

It might have come across as a tad bit crazy.

Oh, well.

Let's suffice it to say that I was none too thrilled about having to get dressed up again for another man that would very likely be wearing sweatpants. Especially one that didn't have the strong jaw and piercing green eyes.

But I was not let down. The Engineer is different. He has a career and a genuine interest in me. I found it funny that we flowed easily into a conversation about electrical work all because I caught him staring at the industrial ceiling. He gets my jokes. And when I told him about my beliefs, he accurately described it as "spiritual but not religious". I was so caught off guard that I could only stare wide-eyed.

He has brothers and sisters and gets why it's important for a kid to have both. And if you read our profiles, it looks like one plagiarized the other. We both love the local festivals and are eagerly learning the city. He even likes live music.

I don't know when I'll ever learn to stop judging books by their covers. I don't know that I ever will. All I know is that The Engineer wants to see me again... on Saturday... night... and I couldn't be more excited.

The Times They Are a-Changin'

Pic found here

Dear 2010,

Fuck you.

You were an absolute horrible time in my life and I'm glad that you're gone. The part of me that is optimistic and looks toward the future is so glad that we will never meet again. If I had a time-travelling knife, I would cut you right out of my life.

Confused? Let's discuss:

January - Plagued with constant illness

February - Paid money to find love only to be matched with complete ass hats with chihuahuas sticking out of their t-shirts or fantastic men with an inability to move forward. Priceless.

March - Damaged someone else's vehicle, was bailed out by my brother, and had a major row with my sister. And I didn't get the one I wanted.

April - Hit an all-time low in my emotional life

May - Got majorly offended and embarrassed my sister in a huge way

June - Gramma fell outrageously ill

July - I lost my baby

August - Gave this asshole my number

September - I had this day which was promptly followed by this dream

October - This post was distributed because people like to start drama. No, I'm still not sorry I wrote it.

November - I had a week-long battle with my mother and managed to fail at a meme

December - I realized that I'd lost a good friend and am having a war with a colleageue

You did nothing if not keep me humble. Everytime I tried to make a positive progression, you made sure to put me firmly back into my place. I am only so hateful because I had such high hopes for you. You and I were going to take on the world together. We had endless possibilities. Then you ruined it with your constant negativity.

Even the moments when everything was going as planned were draped in doubt and uncertainty.

I wouldn't take back any of your days because for every three blows you dealt, you were kind enough to offer me a day of solace.

With that, I look forward to 2011. It really doesn't have a choice but to be better. Because I am not afraid to punch a day in the face.

It Really Was Worth It

He didn't seem crazy when I met him. And I really should have known better because I never go to Walmart anyway but I only had $10 and I figured that if anyplace would have a variety of M&Ms it would be Walmart. Because it's Girl Week. There, I said it. It's Girl Week and all I really wanted were Pretzel M&Ms. So, I went to Walmart but I don't know where anything is in there so, really I wandered at a high pace.

I made my way back to the snack aisle only to be interruped by a giant man in a red tank top, black shorts, and Adidas water shoes. Yay, me? He asked me three very important questions: Was I married? Was I spoken for? Could he call me? I answered honestly to all three and I gave him my real number!

He said that he hoped to hear from me but then he called me 12 minutes later. In our brief conversation, he told me that he thought that I was following him throughout the store. You know, because I too was still in the food section. Granted, when I finally discovered where the M&Ms are kept in this ridiculously over-sized department store, we did cross paths again. But I was on the phone calling Mrs. G to rant about M&Ms being "seasonal". Because, really? What the hell! And then because I couldn't find pretzel M&Ms; only the place where they used to live, I was frantically pacing the seasonal aisle and the one next to it, where I almost ran into his cart. I get a mean case of tunnel vision when it comes to candy. After all that, I took my loot (Just two bags of candy!) and went to the self-check out because there's no way I'm standing in the express lane where there are 10 people with carts or the other lane with the lady and her 4 bad kids. Low and behold! There he is checking out his swag. I could've cared and said something witty but all I really did was scan, pay, bag and dip out. I looked around ferociously, praying that none of my colleagues would see me in this place. So, yeah, I can see how a self-important ass hat could consider my actions suspicious.

I told him that I couldn't talk long because I was on my way to family dinner. Which is something that I really engage in on Tuesdays. I explained that as my reason for being in that god-awful store and told him that I would call him back later that evening. And now? I almost wish I hadn't...

Oh! Except I got Reese's miniatures! I mean, I would have walked through hot lava to get those. Believe that.



More tomorrow... Hint: The post is titled Bigotry: A Phone Date

Craziness

So, I got toooooonnnnnsssss of sleep last night. It's quite ridiculous actually. But my body definitely needed it so I'm really not complaining.

What I am saying is that with lots of sleep comes lots of dreams. And it seems fitting that I would dream about being an abused wife when the last thing I heard was "Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem featuring Rihanna and the last thing I watched was Enough. So, yeah, there's that.

I also just realized that I had the office hours of my potential renters messed up. They are open until 7pm on Monday and Wednesday. I could still make it there today, but they probably will view me the way I view people who enter a restaurant with the words "Are you open?". I mean, seriously, have some empathy for the working man.

So, I will go tomorrow. I'm still torn up inside about it. It's the ultimate signal to Nat, ya know? A one bedroom apartment clearly states that I don't intend to have anyone living with me at anytime. Therefore, she is not welcome to "stay for Christmas". I know that I'm allowed to be selfish. I know that it's time for me to take care of myself first for a change. And I believe that I should get accustomed to this level of selfishness because when I make the other changes in my life I will have to put me and mine first. That doesn't make it hurt any less though. Especially, when I can see her longing for me to offer her a chance at redemption. A brief escape from the real world. I could but I don't want to so I'm not going to.

I know I shouldn't judge her; that I have no right to, but it is happening. I listen to her talk about where she will and will not live. About how places are too small. My assumption is that she wants more than she can afford, more than she deserves, and much more than she needs. I tried living under her expectations before and I won't do it again. My new goal is to live below my means not at them. I don't want to be able to pay my bills every month and then have some left over for fun. I want real, substantial amounts of savings that will allow me to buy a house, repair my car, have a baby, plan a vacation, anything!

No one knows the pain I feel everyday that I am away from my grandmother. I wish I could hop on a plane, jump in the car, or even hitch hike to go see her. But the time away from my job is not something that I can afford. She's doing much better now but I couldn't be by her side when she was dying and that hurts more than anything else that I've ever felt.

I won't live that way anymore. And as much as I love Nat, she's too undependable. If I were to live with her again, the entire burden would be on me to make sure that everything was right and then I would (hopefully) collect her check for her share of the expenses. I'm above that now, on higher ground, on a different plane and she's not acting like someone who's prepared to go with me.

All the Pieces, Pieces, Pieces of Me

image found here

Lately, I've been feeling very disconnected from everyone and everything in my life. Some people have an innate need to be a part of something; I do not. I never have.

In times like these all I really need is to be alone in an open space - a place without voices, a place without people, a place without cars or bikes or hikers, a place without distraction - and to breathe. Not many people understand this need. I don't ask them to; I don't need them to. When I'm ready, when I feel the time is right, I will find this place; my retreat. And I will go there and I will sit and I will write and I will breathe.

And when I'm done. I will be me again.

Chats with a Roomie

28 called me yesterday...

Wait! I think it's time we gave him a real name. Not that I use the real name of anyone I know on this blog. That's right. I use fake names, if only because none of them have given me permission to post about them on my blog. Anyways, we're going to give him a name and it will be Palmer. I love the name Palmer. And I particularly like it as a "last name first name". You know, like Smith. Or Harrison.

Back to the story.

Palmer called me yesterday. He called me to say, "Did you find a job yet?" and I had to remind him that I will find a job even if it's at the CVS by the house. That's right ya'll. I google mapped that sucka! To make it short, we had a long discussion about how he shouldn't worry because I will find something. There's a mall filled with shops and restaurants.

During our conversation I got hungry and set my little heart on some french toast. Mmmmm... So I said, "Don't you wish I was living there right now so you could have french toast, too?".
Palmer: "You would cook for me?"
Me: "I'm not gonna play like your girlfriend or homemaking bitch but, if I'm having french toast and you want french toast then it's just as easy to make some for you because I'm already cooking."
Palmer: "I like that you'll cook for me."
Me: "Wow."

This is gonna be rough

I had forgotten how hard it is to live with boys/guys/men. It's been awhile. But I'm rediscovering, already, how they only hear "key words". You know? Like, cook, clean, and the like.

We talked about pets again. He laughed when I told him about my guinea pig. And we decided that there will be a cat-free zone (also, known as the spaces I rent) and a dog-free zone (known as the upstairs excluding the spaces I rent).

And he doesn't currently pay for trash pick up. I know! I know! That's what I said! How is it that you don't wanna pay the $13 a month to have them come and get your garbage? But he doesn't. Instead he puts it in his car and takes it to work and puts it in their dumpster. Whatever. As long as he takes it out and the house doesn't smell like road kill.

Folks, I'm getting super excited. Mom and I are going down there the first week of June to take a look around and so she can put her stamp on it. I'm really amped. It's all happening for real.

What To Do?

I got a proposition today from someone I've known for awhile. He asked if I would consider moving to Atlanta. If you're familiar with the history behind 28 and myself then you would think that this really isn't the best of ideas. Except, I have laid out very carefully that we will not be playing house and that our relationship will be that of roommates.

But still, I'm scared. This would be a huge move. I've never left one job without having another. And I've never lived far from everyone I know. I mean, I will be in a city and the only person that I'm going to know is 28. Yikes!!

And even though there is still a lot to hash out like personal space, guest policy, food, chores, quiet time, duration of my stay, notice to vacate and more, I'm leaning d a n g e r o u s l y close to saying yes. But when I told 28 that I wanted to talk about all of these things, he seemed put off. Like he hadn't actually thought about it. But I've been there before where things weren't properly discussed and it resulted in Natalie's "Christmas weekend" turning into 4 months on my couch rent free and then my "roommate" for another two years. And I don't want there to be any misunderstandings.

My biggest concern right now is employment. I'm feeling majorly oppressed at my current job and that's a major factor for why I'm even entertaining the possibility of moving. But honestly, this place has served its purpose in my life and we are waaaaaaaay out of its season.

I still have a lot to think about. I will post the pros and cons in a day or two when I've had time to reflect on them all. Until then, My Lovlies.

P.S. - Dad is not thrilled about the idea in the least but he is still being painfully supportive. He and I have a phone call scheduled for tonight. I'll clue you in on that too.

P.P.S. - Yes, we schedule phone calls in my family. My dad's a nurse for crying out loud! =)

Resolutions

Last year was all about my finances. Making more money while pinching pennies to pay down your college indiscretions is hard work. It will also stress you out to the brink of no return and cause you to make some (sometimes very) bad decisions. Although I didn't reach my goal of being completely debt free I did manage to get extremely close and will be debt free by April 2010. My credit? Well, that still needs some time to recover.

This year, I have decided that I am going to work on Physical Me. Or at least the Me on paper. You know? Dating Profile Me? That needs some work. Because men can't see that you have paid off all your student loans. They don't notice that there's only one credit card in your wallet and it has no account balance. It's not obvious to them that you learned to knit and became disarmingly familiar with $1 movie rentals so that you could one day wake up and owe nothing to everyone. Instead, men have a tendency to look at your ass as you walk by, and mine has been widening steadily.

So, here are my resolutions in order of importance to me.

1. Lose 50 pounds ~ roughly 1 lb a week. Which is more than reasonable and can be done with sufficient strength training.

2. Save $300+ a month (starting April 2010). I'm already living without it as I'm pouring all of my income into debt reduction. And really $300 is less than half of what I'm putting into my debts, so really... this is no thing.

3. Find a new, better bank. This will involve research on my part. But it's necessary because I'm getting the shaft by my current bank. I enrolled through work and I'm getting no perks. None. Not to mention they were bought out in last years fiscal crisis, so basically, I'm getting it royally with no vaseline.

4. Budget wisely (and follow) in an effort to live better and prepare for the future. The biggest mistake I made this year was not thinking and planning before I leapt into my debt reduction program. I did not save or leave any room for error. Thankfully, I haven't had any 911s (yet).

5. Become more crafty. Yes, I'm already a young June Cleaver. Go ahead. Mock me. I find peace in crafts. Not to mention that people love hand-made gifts. One of the girls at work had her miracle baby and I made her a birth announcement. For me, it was solace. For her, it was... More. I can't even explain the light in her eyes but it made me feel good. So, I want to do more of that this year.

6. Join a church and begin giving again. This is another selfish one. A) It will get Grammy off my back. B) It will allow me to meet more people and network. C) I will feel like I belong somewhere again. D) Mr. Right may actually be there (I've already looked everywhere else).

7. Open myself up to receive love. Let's just say that I was "cautiously optimistic" in 2009.

8. Look for a more fulfilling career. I feel like I am at a stand still at my current place of employment and I can't stop wondering if there is more out there.

9. Buy new furniture. I still have my 13" tv from college and a hand-me-down bed that even the dogs can't get a good night's sleep on. It's time.

10. Go on at least one real vacation out of this state.

11. Get my car working properly. (Maybe I should move this one up?)

12. Work my MLM business.

There you have it! My goals for 2010. I'll keep you posted on how this all works out.