Burnt Toast

So, I guess I'm going to tell the story again after all.

Toasty was perfect. Cute, tall, charming, understanding, and an amazing cuddler. He said all these wonderful things. Like how he wants kids, would be willing to move to my town (He lives about 90 minutes out), that I deserve the best of everything, that I'm gorgeous. But then, on our second date, he wore sweatpants, made no plans, and expected me to put out.

I can't even tell you how upset I was. The man who said he didn't smoke, left to get cigarettes. "I only smoke when I drink", he said. But he'd also told me that he'd quit drinking. You know, after his second DUI and all. However, I did watch him single handedly down a bottle of Beringer White Zin.

Let's all be serious for a second. A grown man drinking pink wine is a major turn off. Especially, when it's something as cheap as Beringer. And let's not talk about how it was the 1.5 liter bottle. That's the equivalent of TWO bottles for those of us who know anything about wine. Two bottles of wine and five cigarettes in less than 2 hours by a man who quit drinking and doesn't smoke.

Then he asked if I wanted to "f**k" him and when I rejected his charming advance, he said, "That's OK. You can just get me off in the morning". Now, I'm not opposed to manual or oral stimulation but I was absolutely floored by his audacity.

Add in the fact that he told me that he was openly talking to other women and you can see why our two week relationship hit the rocks. His goodbye text went like this, "Hey.. Sorry I didn't get back to you.. I not sure about us.. I mean, you turned me down on alot of stuff.. I dont want a woman that turns me down.."

So, I told him that I want a man that's willing to compromise. Not someone who insists on controlling the remote even though I've expressed that I hate this particular show. Or who wants to take a picture of my naked breasts. Or who thinks that he's going to be having sex with me while chatting up other women.

He seemed so promising. He really put on an excellent show. And the whole time I was with him all I could do was wonder where the wonderful man I'd met just days before had disappeared to and what I would have to do to get him back. But I don't want him back. Because the man I fell for was never really there. Awesome.

It's amazing how hard it is to find someone that you actually want to spend time with. I'm talking to at least four different men right now which is absolutely ridiculous if you ask me. Plus, it's super stressful. Why couldn't Toasty just act right? Sigh. 

Meeting Mr. Right On Time

We all know how hard it is to find someone that we would actually want to spend the rest of our lives with. For those of us that didn't come across him before age 28, it's getting harder everyday. For the umpteenth time, I've turned to online dating. Except, I went the free route. I can't even make you understand how awesome and yet exhausting it has been.

I met someone immediately who seemed like he was worth the time I was investing. He said all the right things. Remembered the smallest details. Schmoozed my mom and sisters by phone. Begged me to bring my dog to his place so that I could stay the night. And then... wore sweatpants. Like, actual grey sweatpants. He was SUPER comfortable in a relationship that was only weeks old.

I won't dwell on it anymore. I've told the story at least 4 times and each time I become even more exasperated. Let's just chalk it all up to a waste of time. Eh. It could be worse.

However, in a fit of spite and anger, I did plan a drinks date with someone else. Then, I told him I was doing it. Because I am a highly sought after woman! AND IF HE COULDN'T FIGURE THAT OUT ON HIS OWN THEN I WAS GOING TO SHOW HIM!

It might have come across as a tad bit crazy.

Oh, well.

Let's suffice it to say that I was none too thrilled about having to get dressed up again for another man that would very likely be wearing sweatpants. Especially one that didn't have the strong jaw and piercing green eyes.

But I was not let down. The Engineer is different. He has a career and a genuine interest in me. I found it funny that we flowed easily into a conversation about electrical work all because I caught him staring at the industrial ceiling. He gets my jokes. And when I told him about my beliefs, he accurately described it as "spiritual but not religious". I was so caught off guard that I could only stare wide-eyed.

He has brothers and sisters and gets why it's important for a kid to have both. And if you read our profiles, it looks like one plagiarized the other. We both love the local festivals and are eagerly learning the city. He even likes live music.

I don't know when I'll ever learn to stop judging books by their covers. I don't know that I ever will. All I know is that The Engineer wants to see me again... on Saturday... night... and I couldn't be more excited.

Are You There, Blog?

Holla!

In the last week I've been doing lots of crazy things and hanging with all the crazy people I know. And when you're hanging with real-live peeps your blog peeps suffer. Never fear! I'm sure I'll be back in full force soon... Maybe.. don't hold your breath.

But while I was gone, I want to assure you that nothing super exciting has happened at all. Not at all. I did not have dinner with a friend where he revealed he was in a relationship with a married woman. I, in no way, had an epic battle, heroic crusade, or marathon melee with my mother. I don't even know why I would mention it. No one asked for my advice on how to step on out into the dating world after having a serious convo with his baby mama in which they decided that they would "co-parent" their son despite the gaping distance. I did not blurt out that Ke$ha "has no fucking talent" and "sucked a lot of dicks to get here" in the middle of a bar.

Ashton, however, did show his ass in true form and opened every gift that Nat bought. Even the ones that weren't for him. Which, incidentally, is how she discovered that he can neither read nor recognize his name. At the age of 4. And a half. Going on 5. Where he'll start school. Next fall. I have to stop writing now because my ear is touching my shoulder and my voice can't go higher.

A delivery boy almost died on my icy steps because some bung hole stole my $2.99 bag of sidewalk salt. So I put half a jar of $4.39 sea salt down until I could get to the store. It obvs is not the same. Jenny, The Bloggess, blew me away with her generosity and I guess I'm not the only one. It's INTERNATIONAL NEWS, People! I just wish I had been able to be a part of it.

Striped Shirt Steve and I are... well... that's not your business now is it?

I gets my Nook tonight. I have a $25 B&N gift card and then a fistful of free money courtesy of some of my colleagues. Plus, I read the damned tutorial and discovered that Google has eBooks as well so all is not lost and I may not return the thing from whence it came after all. Aaaaand, my library is going to start free eBook "check out" on the 27th. So all in all, this holiday doesn't suck donkey balls but perhaps only monkey balls. Those are cleaner as they aren't so close to the ground.

I'm off to Christmas #2 of 3. I'm really excited for Saturday though! That's when me and the girlies are going to do our Christmas thing. Someone once said that "friends are the family you pick for yourself". They were right but should have added "...and enemies are dung nuggets that God accidentally gave life".

A Tale of Two Suitors

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

No, really. I was seeing two guys at once. I know that I never really told you that I was seeing/talking to either one of them, but I did allude to them on Tuesday. Here's what happened. S is someone I've known for four years now. And there were no fireworks when we met. He was going through some tough times having lost his job and subsequently his home. I showed him I was interested but could never be there for what was most important to him. Band gigs. He's the bass player and lead singer in his band and I always said I would be there but never actually made it. Another girl stepped in and they were together until mid-September this year. I saw my second chance and wasted (almost) no time taking it...

M is someone that I met when my sister worked at the local Italian restaurant chain. He's a server there. He was always the center of scandal because no one knew for sure if he and his gf really were broken up. I mean, they were still living together! He said it was because of their infant son. Well, that infant is a preschooler now and what's worst is that M is not the father. Four years he took care of that little boy; four years he was lied to. I've always found M attractive and when he friend requested me on Facebook, he got the OK simply because I think he's hot. His birthday is in July and I made sure to wish him a hearty Facebook Happy Birthday. In return, he private messaged me...

When S first revealed that things fell apart with his ex, I offered to listen and he took me up on that offer. I thought that maybe he wasn't really ready to start over. But then, like before, he started to send me song lyrics (that make no damn sense!) and he asked me to a real dinner date. I went and it didn't feel date-y. It felt like two people who had drifted apart trying to find out who the other person is. Like we were a distant married couple or something. I don't claim to know a lot about relationships and love but that just didn't feel "right". So, I stopped paying him so much attention. AND he totally picks the Browns over the Bengals. I just don't know if we can ever get past that. Don't judge me. Football = my religion...

M and I talked through private message until I got bored, so, maybe an hour? Then he disappeared. I didn't think anything of it. It's not like he belonged to me; he's not a toy. But right when I started packing to move, he began texting me. At first, it was all at night. In the middle of the night. Which all girls know is a bad sign. You cannot allow it because then they will put you in the "ho" category and I've already spent more time there than I care to admit. He finally picked up the phone and called me and asked me to "hang out". I told him that I couldn't but we could grab a quick bite by my new place if he was willing to drive. He was so we did. It was awesome. The way it's supposed to feel. I was all fluttery and he was super attentive. And then I thought, "Am I being played?". Because I honestly don't have time in my life for games and distractions...

That's why on Tuesday morning I sent them a mass text that said that I just didn't think we had chemistry but I love being with them as friends. S has not responded. M responded last night. He wants to talk. He misses me. I have so much going on in my head that I've pretty much shut down in every avenue of my life. To work this whole guy situation out, I had to make a list.

Education: M wins - he is working at night to pay his way through school.
Profession: tie - M is a server and S is a transport tech in a hospital, neither is really a profession.
Facial Hair: M wins - he has a short beard! Yum! S has peach fuzz on his lip that I think is a moustache.
Body: M wins - he has a runner's body but S has a cuddly teaddy bear type body.
Height: M wins - he's an even 6 feet and 2" taller than S.
Kids: tie - neither has any.
Personality: M. wins. hands. down. - he's so vibrant and outgoing. S is sooooo sensitive and "good". One of my friends gets all dreamy eyed when I tell her about him because that's exactly how she wants her sons to be. I feel so bad that he loses here because he is, quite literally, a mother's dream for her daughter.
Parent Readiness: this is less about him wanting to be a father and more about whether or not I'd feel confident about letting him meet my parents - S wins.
Just Gets Me: M wins - he's most like me. I can be myself 1000% around him. With S I feel like I have to be careful what I say because he'll take it wrong.

You see how M wins? Right. This confuses me because he wins in all the areas that don't really matter for reasons that don't matter. I can't close my eyes and see me spending the rest of my life (or the rest of the week) with him. It's just that S reminds me of my father. He's so passive and I already know that I won't survive a relationship with someone like that.

If I could take M's good looks, personality, outgoing nature, and ambition and pair them with S's (<-- does that look right?) sweetness, artistic creativity, and total parent meeting preparedness, I'd be getting hitched!

P.S. - 212 days and Nat's focused on the music that she wants played. I had to be all, "Do you not like Michael Buble'?" and she was all, "I forgot". How do you forget Michael Buble'? Oh, Nat. So silly.

It Really Was Worth It

He didn't seem crazy when I met him. And I really should have known better because I never go to Walmart anyway but I only had $10 and I figured that if anyplace would have a variety of M&Ms it would be Walmart. Because it's Girl Week. There, I said it. It's Girl Week and all I really wanted were Pretzel M&Ms. So, I went to Walmart but I don't know where anything is in there so, really I wandered at a high pace.

I made my way back to the snack aisle only to be interruped by a giant man in a red tank top, black shorts, and Adidas water shoes. Yay, me? He asked me three very important questions: Was I married? Was I spoken for? Could he call me? I answered honestly to all three and I gave him my real number!

He said that he hoped to hear from me but then he called me 12 minutes later. In our brief conversation, he told me that he thought that I was following him throughout the store. You know, because I too was still in the food section. Granted, when I finally discovered where the M&Ms are kept in this ridiculously over-sized department store, we did cross paths again. But I was on the phone calling Mrs. G to rant about M&Ms being "seasonal". Because, really? What the hell! And then because I couldn't find pretzel M&Ms; only the place where they used to live, I was frantically pacing the seasonal aisle and the one next to it, where I almost ran into his cart. I get a mean case of tunnel vision when it comes to candy. After all that, I took my loot (Just two bags of candy!) and went to the self-check out because there's no way I'm standing in the express lane where there are 10 people with carts or the other lane with the lady and her 4 bad kids. Low and behold! There he is checking out his swag. I could've cared and said something witty but all I really did was scan, pay, bag and dip out. I looked around ferociously, praying that none of my colleagues would see me in this place. So, yeah, I can see how a self-important ass hat could consider my actions suspicious.

I told him that I couldn't talk long because I was on my way to family dinner. Which is something that I really engage in on Tuesdays. I explained that as my reason for being in that god-awful store and told him that I would call him back later that evening. And now? I almost wish I hadn't...

Oh! Except I got Reese's miniatures! I mean, I would have walked through hot lava to get those. Believe that.



More tomorrow... Hint: The post is titled Bigotry: A Phone Date

The Back of Uncertainty

This is The New Guy's back. I would love to be snarky about something ridiculous that he said today, but I can't because I'm a nice person and no one wants the world to know that they were told to get up out of their chair to talk to you instead of yelling through partitions.

All in all, he is nowhere near as bad as the guy I had a phone date with last night who is, in fact, a closeted bigot. And even though this isn't a book, I did write it down so it's now a fact .

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