The Times They Are a-Changin'

Pic found here

Dear 2010,

Fuck you.

You were an absolute horrible time in my life and I'm glad that you're gone. The part of me that is optimistic and looks toward the future is so glad that we will never meet again. If I had a time-travelling knife, I would cut you right out of my life.

Confused? Let's discuss:

January - Plagued with constant illness

February - Paid money to find love only to be matched with complete ass hats with chihuahuas sticking out of their t-shirts or fantastic men with an inability to move forward. Priceless.

March - Damaged someone else's vehicle, was bailed out by my brother, and had a major row with my sister. And I didn't get the one I wanted.

April - Hit an all-time low in my emotional life

May - Got majorly offended and embarrassed my sister in a huge way

June - Gramma fell outrageously ill

July - I lost my baby

August - Gave this asshole my number

September - I had this day which was promptly followed by this dream

October - This post was distributed because people like to start drama. No, I'm still not sorry I wrote it.

November - I had a week-long battle with my mother and managed to fail at a meme

December - I realized that I'd lost a good friend and am having a war with a colleageue

You did nothing if not keep me humble. Everytime I tried to make a positive progression, you made sure to put me firmly back into my place. I am only so hateful because I had such high hopes for you. You and I were going to take on the world together. We had endless possibilities. Then you ruined it with your constant negativity.

Even the moments when everything was going as planned were draped in doubt and uncertainty.

I wouldn't take back any of your days because for every three blows you dealt, you were kind enough to offer me a day of solace.

With that, I look forward to 2011. It really doesn't have a choice but to be better. Because I am not afraid to punch a day in the face.

No Means No In At Least Six Languages

Three times!

I KNOW!!

Whoot! Whoot! All aboard the Crazy Train! First Stop: 6 hour courtship!

See, it happened like this...

********** flashback music and fairytale dust **********

Rollback: I'm glad that I could change your mind.

Me: Excuse me?

Rollback: I'm sure that now that you know the facts you understand.

Me: No.

Rollback: What?

Me: You didn't change my mind. I respect your position but I am steadfast in my beliefs. It upsets me that your only goal was to change my mind about what I believe.

Rollback: But I gave you the facts!

Me: And?

Rollback: Aww, well.

*** pause ***

*** pause, pause ***

Rollback(Cue sickly sweet, more disturbing than romantic voice): I guess now that we've had our serious conversation we should just get married. (cue horror movie scream)

Me: Excuse me? (I say that a lot when I'm at a loss for words)

Rollback: We should just get married.

Me: No.

Rollback: Yeah. We should just get married.

Me: Ummm... well. I know I should be flattered but I'm not. This has to be the shortest courtship in the history of proposals. So, no.

********** back to life... back to reality... **********

You would think that this would be the only [three] time(s) he proposed, but if it were then I wouldn't have grounds for legitimately thinking he's got a half dozen screws loose.

Every day he would call me at the most ridiculous hours. 9:30 am, 2:30 pm. I know that it shouldn't seem like this is a stupid idea but I work the normal 9 - 5 and I told him this. His calling me during business hours is blatant disrespect for my effort to pay my own bills. And it proves that he never, ever listened to me. Not once.

The next night he called was a Wednesday. I was sitting with my mom in her kitchen talking about him (believe it or not) and just how ludicrous his theories are. When I told him that I couldn't talk because I was having dinner with my mom, his response was, "So, you live with your mother?". Umm, no! How can that be your natural assumption? Finally, I told him that we were on our way out to church and to not call me because I would call him. Actually, I went out with Averi and Staci that night. Regardless, at the end of that 14 minute phone call, he asked me to marry him again. The answer was still no.

The rest of the week passed with me ignoring his calls because I didn't have the emotional strength to go forward with what would inevitably be equivalent to me talking to a wall or arguing with Pat Robinson... pointless. I finally answered him again on Saturday but only on the second attempt because the first time he called me at SEVEN O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING! Who, in their right mind, calls anyone before 9 am on any given day? Who, I ask you! Granted, I was already on the phone because I have a standing 7:30 am phone date with my daddy every Saturday but his call was still unwelcome.

When we talked it was only briefly. I told him twice that I was going to be busy that day and just picked up out of curiosity. He wasn't listening. He kept rambling on. So, I finally set the phone down, walked away, and got in the shower. When I came out, I had missed 3 calls. *gives you the face of someone who doesn't care*

I lost my phone that night and didn't get a replacement until Tuesday. He called and, like a fool, I answered. He said he thought I'd changed my number on him. I only wish I had. I kept that conversation short using family dinner and my busy schedule on deck as my excuses. The next day we went to Cedar Point and he called me three times, even though I told him that I was busy with family. Three times! and when I told Mom all she managed to do was berate me for not having dismissed him yet. (Although, she thoroughly disapproved of my phone "incident").

Thursday came and he called like I knew he would. It had been a long day but a successful one. I had just come from signing my new lease and was on an adrenaline high. I was going to take charge of that conversation and for the first time in a week, he was going to listen to me. I talked about Nat and my worries for her. I talked about my new place and how quaint it is. I talked about my car and about how it needs work. I talked about my finances and how I'm on a track toward financial freedom. I talked for 12 minutes. Just twelve. And I continued to change the topic because every time I took a breath he would interject.

With Nat, he could only hope that "she don't get hooked up with no nigga and get preehhgnent". My new place couldn't be as nice as his house in Atlanta and I could "live [there] instead if I was willing to relocate". My car could be fixed by the guy he knows and he'd pay for it if we got married. He's been saving for years! He is an avid advocate of saving your money and that's why we should just get "meehhreed". If we got married then he would take care of all of that stuff for me and I'd never have to worry again. Because when he gets married this time, it's gonna be forever; he's never getting divorced again. They'll be together until they die.

Let me tell you something about Sag Girls:

• ...the sign of Sagittarius [is] often referred to as the “The bachelor sign,”
• She is a girl who enjoys a great sense of personal freedom
• Sagittarius women are quite independent and love their freedom.
• The word 'marriage' makes a Sagittarian female a little [ALOT] nervous

Now, for all my Sag sisters out there who got roped down, you know that the statements above still ring true. It's just your love was smart enough to be strong but kind, firm but lenient, and  to let you miss him.

And for the ones that came before your love? They got dismissed... just like Rollback. Only he didn't take it well...

Bigotry: A Phone Date or Why Black People Shouldn't Play In the Snow

I called him back a few minutes after 10p. This was before I knew he was crazy and bigoted so you can stop judging me.


The conversation started off simple enough. He talked like we were in high school. Like he really wanted to know me.


Rollback: "What's your favorite color?"
Me: "Teal."
Rollback: "What?"
Me: "Teal."
Rollback: "Huh?"
Me: "Blue."
Rollback: "Oh, OK."


See? He's well beneath me. And I know what you're thinking. "Gosh, she thinks highly of herself!" but he really isn't worth the pages in the history of my life that he is currently taking up. When he asked if I like amusement parks and I told him yes, he gave me the run down on why he doesn't like rides. No matter that I like rides because there's only one reason to go to Six Flags (God forbid he go to another amusement park) and that's funnel cake. I am a funnel cake purist. I like it with powdered sugar. He told me how he likes to pile his high with ice cream, strawberries and whipped cream. And then when we go to Six Flags that's how he's going to get my funnel cake so I can try it because once I try it I won't go back. I'm sure I told him twice that I won't eat it because it's too much. But he couldn't hear me over his constant exclamation of how that's "ALL I KNOW!".


Funny thought here. Can you learn something new if you won't shut your mouth long enough to hear it?
All that aside, he finally asked me a burning question. Do I date white guys? I told him I date all sorts of men. I really don't care how "he" comes along as long as he comes in a suit! I explained that my last real relationship was two years ago with an Australian (my gaaawwwddd did I love him. His eyes, his accent, his tongue, his hands, the magic he worked with the latter two. Yeah. You know what I'm saying *eyebrow waggle* Right? Right? Yeeeeeaaaaahhhh.)


Can I say that my response didn't go over well? You know what? I can't. Because that would be the greatest understatement in the history of the world! He LOVES his black people! How could I want to mix myself with men whose nature it is to dominate? How could I want to desecrate our heritage by blending with them? He would NEVER "play in the snow"! He loves his black people.


He hates white men because they view black women as exotic. "Animals are exotic!"


Did you know that my parents would never date outside their own race? Funny, because I didn't. My dad's new girlfriend is Italian. And my mom's husband is half Irish. When I told him that, his response was... wait for it... you're gonna love this... "I don't believe you. You're lying. My generation would never have that much disrespect for our people". (I know, right!)


Did you know that there was a black stock market but the white man burned it down? No, you didn't, liar! But now that I know the only question I ask is, "Why didn't they rebuild?". You can burn a building but not an idea.


Did you know that the most dangerous race are white people? (Lumped together, of course. Wouldn't want to allow a massive group of people to be defined by their ancestors individual countries of origin) Why? Well, I'm glad you asked. (Queue deep thinking voice of revelation) You see Nate (his one white friend), told him that blacks walk around with guns and knives to kill each other. But if a white man wanted to all he would have to do is create a biological weapon that would wipe out a whole country.


And you know what? That got him thinking about how dangerous white people are. You wanna know what else? It got me thinking about how ridiculously stupid he is. I asked him why a black man could invent the lottery, the stop light and open heart surgery but not biological weapons. Did he not see that he was pigeon holing his own people? My bad! I wasn't aware that black people don't have that much hatred in them. Except for that one time they sold each other to white men to be slaves, but other than that...


After being told that it was my duty, as someone who got out of the ghetto (let me interject here and say that I was never in the ghetto. I don't know what it's like. I lived in the same suburb as JC Chasez. But Rollback doesn't know that because he doesn't listen.) to come back to the hood and give a helping hand to those are still lost in the system. What The Fuck! Negro, please! I don't have it in me to give hand outs. But according to him that's just wrong. How can I not give a hand?


I was told that black people hold 5% of America's wealth and that if we would all just go back then we could rebuild this country and stop the corruption. I was adamant that I'm not going to Africa! There's nothing there for me. My inheritance is here, in America. I'm a fourth generation American. He's so concerned with "them" testing my DNA and classifying me as an African-American and I made it clear that I don't care what other people think of me or how they choose to classify me. The truth is that I'm part Dutch, part Native American and yes, part African American. But I choose to represent myself without the hyphen. The hyphen indicates that I hail from there and am able to possess dual citizenship. The hyphen would insinuate that America is not my chosen home. But it is. I am an American. He? Is not OK with that statement.


I asked him what his plans were for his life. How he presumed to take action since he knows exactly what needs to be done. He is going to record an album and bounce between New York and Los Angeles all next year. He's waiting on God to call him to preach and lead a congregation. He's going to expose Creflo Dollar and all other preachers who teach prosperity. What ever woman chooses to spend her life with him will have to be there through death because he knows that "they" are going to kill him when he begins to expose "them".


Finally, about an hour later when I was done listening to him go on incessantly with his nonsense. When I had had enough of being told what the truth is because he read it in a book so it's a fact. When I'd grown silent because I didn't desire to express my views knowing they would be discounted. After I told him that I respected his opinions and was interrupted and told again that they are facts and he has the books to prove it. As I reached the place where nothing he said actually sank in. When he was sure that he had managed to change my mind (and I told him that I was steadfast in my beliefs and our differing opinions would have to coexist [then I had to explain that the statement means we will just agree to disagree]).


That's when he asked me to marry him...

It Really Was Worth It

He didn't seem crazy when I met him. And I really should have known better because I never go to Walmart anyway but I only had $10 and I figured that if anyplace would have a variety of M&Ms it would be Walmart. Because it's Girl Week. There, I said it. It's Girl Week and all I really wanted were Pretzel M&Ms. So, I went to Walmart but I don't know where anything is in there so, really I wandered at a high pace.

I made my way back to the snack aisle only to be interruped by a giant man in a red tank top, black shorts, and Adidas water shoes. Yay, me? He asked me three very important questions: Was I married? Was I spoken for? Could he call me? I answered honestly to all three and I gave him my real number!

He said that he hoped to hear from me but then he called me 12 minutes later. In our brief conversation, he told me that he thought that I was following him throughout the store. You know, because I too was still in the food section. Granted, when I finally discovered where the M&Ms are kept in this ridiculously over-sized department store, we did cross paths again. But I was on the phone calling Mrs. G to rant about M&Ms being "seasonal". Because, really? What the hell! And then because I couldn't find pretzel M&Ms; only the place where they used to live, I was frantically pacing the seasonal aisle and the one next to it, where I almost ran into his cart. I get a mean case of tunnel vision when it comes to candy. After all that, I took my loot (Just two bags of candy!) and went to the self-check out because there's no way I'm standing in the express lane where there are 10 people with carts or the other lane with the lady and her 4 bad kids. Low and behold! There he is checking out his swag. I could've cared and said something witty but all I really did was scan, pay, bag and dip out. I looked around ferociously, praying that none of my colleagues would see me in this place. So, yeah, I can see how a self-important ass hat could consider my actions suspicious.

I told him that I couldn't talk long because I was on my way to family dinner. Which is something that I really engage in on Tuesdays. I explained that as my reason for being in that god-awful store and told him that I would call him back later that evening. And now? I almost wish I hadn't...

Oh! Except I got Reese's miniatures! I mean, I would have walked through hot lava to get those. Believe that.



More tomorrow... Hint: The post is titled Bigotry: A Phone Date