Friday, April 1, 2011

Total Control

I laughed so hard my side started hurting. It was unreal to me at first. Mentally, I knew I was ok but my panicky side tried to kick in because I wasn't breathing and what I was experiencing just wasn't normal. I was laughing uncontrollably. It's quite possible that I wet myself a little bit.


Because he wants Total Control.

It doesn't read as funny as it sounds in my head but I promise you that it is.

I have control issues. This is not a secret.

Yesterday, a good friend asked me if I found myself in relationships with weak men because I am so strong and forceful. I told her "No" and that's the truth. I don't find myself in relationships with weak men because weak men don't have the courage to approach strong women. I find myself in relationships with strong men who perpetrate weakness thinking that it will appease me.

There's nothing I hate more than to ask a man where he wants to go for dinner and to receive "I don't care", "I don't know", or "You pick" as the response. If I had wanted to pick, I would have said, "Let's go to such-and-such for dinner" or "I feel like blankety-blank". Because the same person that tells you that you're an overbearing bitch who won't let him be a man is the same person who defers every decision (major or minor) to you.

I can't "let" you be a man. Either you are or you aren't. And if you were the man for me, we wouldn't be having this fight.

The best relationship of my life was with a complete and utter asshole. I loved him inside and out for all that he was and all that he offered. I trusted him with every fiber of my being. And it was only because he could make a decision. When J said something would get done, it got done. When he wanted to do something, he made it known. If he was unhappy, it was expressed. There was no moping around being sulky and passive-aggressive; I don't have time for that anyway.

I didn't trust J at first either. I lived through a lot of bull shit before I met him including a broken engagement. He watched me swoon over Sofa Guy and when he'd had enough of my whining and complaining he said, "Oh dear God! You're not his girlfriend! You're just some girl that he's f*cking!".

It's safe to say that I lost my shit all over him.

I told him to get out, get lost, and never come back.

Two weeks later my phone rang. I picked it up without uttering a syllable and he said, "Was I right?". I told him he was. "I didn't wanna be". He told me that he wanted to be with me. That nothing and no one else mattered. J said that if I could manage to get my head out of my ass I would see that he was in love with me. This is not the stuff that movies are made of but it's the kind of love that I need.

He knew that everyday with me was a test. I was waiting for him to make a promise that he wouldn't keep. I weighed everything he said hoping to find a lie. But he never let me down. And when I finally let myself, I fell so head-over-heels-bluebirds-singing-come-on-get-happy in love that giving him control came easy. I wanted to please him because he made me happy every single day. I knew that if I fell he'd be right there to catch me and in the off chance that he missed, he'd be there to pick me up. Who could want more than that?

Am I saying that we never argued? No, of course not. But he always stood his ground and sometimes we'd walk away angrier and with nothing settled but at least he let me walk away.

So many men are so possessive and afraid of losing me that I want to run away. There's something powerful about a man that knows I'm coming back. Sure, I'm angry. Sure, I'm leaving the room. But don't you know that I want you? How many ways do I have to say it/ show it/ live it before you really believe it? J always believed it. His belief in me, in us, made me believe it to.

These last five years without J have made me a much harder woman than I was before. Trusting doesn't come easy and my love doesn't come cheap. There are more steps on the path to Total Control. But if you really think you deserve it and you really think I'm worth it, quit your bitching and get on the trail.


  1. So what happened to J? Why are you not with him anymore?
    "So many men are so possessive and afraid of losing me that I want to run away. There's something powerful about a man that knows I'm coming back."
    I <3 <3 <3 this!! ABSOLUTELY how I feel! I've never been able to put the last part into words though.

  2. He was a 5' 10", blonde, green-eyed, athletic, non-smoking, 26-year-old man then lung cancer happened... and it broke me.


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