Friday, December 31, 2010

The Times They Are a-Changin'

Dear 2010,

Fuck you.

You were an absolute horrible time in my life and I'm glad that you're gone. The part of me that is optimistic and looks toward the future is so glad that we will never meet again. If I had a time-travelling knife, I would cut you right out of my life.

Confused? Let's discuss:

January - Plagued with constant illness

February - Paid money to find love only to be matched with complete ass hats with chihuahuas sticking out of their t-shirts or fantastic men with an inability to move forward. Priceless.

March - Damaged someone else's vehicle, was bailed out by my brother, and had a major row with my sister. And I didn't get the one I wanted.

April - Hit an all-time low in my emotional life

May - Got majorly offended and embarrassed my sister in a huge way

June - Gramma fell outrageously ill

July - I lost my baby

August - Gave this asshole my number

September - I had this day which was promptly followed by this dream

October - This post was distributed because people like to start drama. No, I'm still not sorry I wrote it.

November - I had a week-long battle with my mother and managed to fail at a meme

December - I realized that I'd lost a good friend and am having a war with a colleageue

You did nothing if not keep me humble. Everytime I tried to make a positive progression, you made sure to put me firmly back into my place. I am only so hateful because I had such high hopes for you. You and I were going to take on the world together. We had endless possibilities. Then you ruined it with your constant negativity.

Even the moments when everything was going as planned were draped in doubt and uncertainty.

I wouldn't take back any of your days because for every three blows you dealt, you were kind enough to offer me a day of solace.

With that, I look forward to 2011. It really doesn't have a choice but to be better. Because I am not afraid to punch a day in the face.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Thankful Thursday

Today, is the last Thursday of the year. It is the very last time in 2010 that I will have to let all of you know how thankful I am for the small things in my life. So why don't we just take our time with it?

A bilities
B ooks
C ookies, candies, and chocolate
D ance music ("I'ma tell you one tiiiiiiime!")
E vening sunsets
F ootball
G irl nights
H ot toddies
I ce cream
J elly
K lea
M orning sunrise
N apkins
O pportunities
P aychecks
Q uiet time
R omantic comedies
S isters
T aylor Lautner
U mbrellas
V odka
W alks
X anax and other pills like it
Y oga
Z oo trips

That's it - from A to Z. These are the things that kept me relatively sane throughout 2010. Which was, admittedly, a very tough year.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Who Said Holidays Are Relaxing?

This past holiday weekend was eventful even though I didn't do much.

Thursday, I sat at work and prayed, hoped, and wished on freshly fallen snow that they would let us go home early. They did not. Which is ok. I went and had family Christmas where I gots my Nook! The gift exchange was awesome. We all got our annual Christmas pajamas and even Mr. T had a good time.

Later that night I met Averi and her hubs at our favorite watering hole.

Sidebar: This is the first time I've met hubs. He's a prior Marine and good Lord is he a hugger! Major hugs! Apparently, Av has nothing but good things to say about me and so he felt like he knew me. Except for the part about personal space. He must've missed that.

But we passed up a Christmas Eve's Eve concert to just drink beers and shoot some pool. Only Av started drinking beers at 8p and I was with the fam until a little after 10p. Which is totally her fault because originally we weren't supposed to meet until 11p. You can see how I was actually early and not late as she tried to bill it. But we shoot a few games. I'm preoccupied, Av is talking to everyone that she makes eye contact with and the Marine is looking tired.

We grab a bite to eat at a local diner that I lived across the street from for FIVE YEARS but never knew existed. Go figure! The food is good and the pancakes are humongous (they call them "manhole covers"). There was a serious conversation about having more than one child. The Marine thinks that you can't love more than one child; its not possible. Av was drunk so we won't talk about what she thinks. But I tried to help him see that you can love each child the way they need. It is haaaaaaaaaaaaaaard being sober when everyone else is lit! Reasonable conversations take a dark, twisty turn for no reason. I was told way too much info about his family that shall not be disclosed because... DAMN!

Friday I sat at home and cleaned half of what I own. Taking on the whole apartment just seemed like too much. I also waited until 9:15p to decide that I was hungry and that nothing in my house would do. Which resulted in Donatos because they were the only ones open. I paid $2.95 for a side salad. I can't even use an exclamation point because its just so damn sad.

Christmas Day I put on my holiday jammies and met with some of my favorite ladies for a gift exchange. Just super cute small stuff. We also allow a Yankee swap of things you got from friends/family earlier in the day that you just can't stand to keep. I took some things that I'd won at various other parties since the summer. I mean, how many lotions and body washes does a girl need?

Carson Palmer
Sunday was my Fundaaaaaaayy! I watched my beloved Bengals play without distraction (ahem! T. O. & Ocho) and win against the Chargers! WHO DEY! I went with my birthday buddy who is an avid Chargers fan and a sore loser. It was all extra special because I'd never seen the Bengals win before. *queue tear drops*
Pic found here

Monday, I stayed home and did nothing... at all... except  read. And walk the dog. It was a spectacular plan really. I was supposed to meet Nat at my mom's around 10p but I dutifully fell asleep on my futon around 9:30. TV was just that boring.

So there you have it. My holiday weekend was way more exciting than I had planned on it being and I enjoyed every minute of it. There was no pressure to please anyone or do anything "seasonal" and I think that's what made it so fine.

P. S. - Who dey? Who dey? Who think they gonna beat them BENGALS!!!!!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Are You There, Blog?


In the last week I've been doing lots of crazy things and hanging with all the crazy people I know. And when you're hanging with real-live peeps your blog peeps suffer. Never fear! I'm sure I'll be back in full force soon... Maybe.. don't hold your breath.

But while I was gone, I want to assure you that nothing super exciting has happened at all. Not at all. I did not have dinner with a friend where he revealed he was in a relationship with a married woman. I, in no way, had an epic battle, heroic crusade, or marathon melee with my mother. I don't even know why I would mention it. No one asked for my advice on how to step on out into the dating world after having a serious convo with his baby mama in which they decided that they would "co-parent" their son despite the gaping distance. I did not blurt out that Ke$ha "has no fucking talent" and "sucked a lot of dicks to get here" in the middle of a bar.

Ashton, however, did show his ass in true form and opened every gift that Nat bought. Even the ones that weren't for him. Which, incidentally, is how she discovered that he can neither read nor recognize his name. At the age of 4. And a half. Going on 5. Where he'll start school. Next fall. I have to stop writing now because my ear is touching my shoulder and my voice can't go higher.

A delivery boy almost died on my icy steps because some bung hole stole my $2.99 bag of sidewalk salt. So I put half a jar of $4.39 sea salt down until I could get to the store. It obvs is not the same. Jenny, The Bloggess, blew me away with her generosity and I guess I'm not the only one. It's INTERNATIONAL NEWS, People! I just wish I had been able to be a part of it.

Striped Shirt Steve and I are... well... that's not your business now is it?

I gets my Nook tonight. I have a $25 B&N gift card and then a fistful of free money courtesy of some of my colleagues. Plus, I read the damned tutorial and discovered that Google has eBooks as well so all is not lost and I may not return the thing from whence it came after all. Aaaaand, my library is going to start free eBook "check out" on the 27th. So all in all, this holiday doesn't suck donkey balls but perhaps only monkey balls. Those are cleaner as they aren't so close to the ground.

I'm off to Christmas #2 of 3. I'm really excited for Saturday though! That's when me and the girlies are going to do our Christmas thing. Someone once said that "friends are the family you pick for yourself". They were right but should have added "...and enemies are dung nuggets that God accidentally gave life".

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Giving Thanks and Such

Sometimes, when you think it's all ready to come to an end you have to go back to where it all began. Today I want to give thanks for:
  • six degrees of separation
  • friends who insist that you come out among the living simply because they need to be out among the living
  • having people who will celebrate the day of my birth again and again until I say stop
  • side hustles
  • pizza, beer, rum, and Wii
  • cash as presents
  • surprise flower deliveries.
Aaaaaaaaaaaand, Scene!


On Sunday, I was headed to my Mom's in the thick of our first real winter snow when I watched this minivan breeze off the ramp and lose control. The vehicle hit another vehicle in oncoming traffic and then went head on into the median. I didn't stop driving. I did call 911. I told my mom about it when I got to her house and we both shook our heads.Where could this person be headed to that they wouldn't risk missing a green light?

Tuesday night after cheer practice, April came home to tell me that one of the boys in her class was in an accident. The accident happened on Sunday. She wanted to know if I'd heard about it because it was by my house. The boy and his sister are fine; their mother died. I cried. I lament the fact that I these children are now homeless orphans. How often do we hear of tragedy and overlook it because it doesn't affect us directly? This incident humbled me again.

Yesterday, I received the most beautiful bouquet of flowers. I've never been one to put much stock in gifts but I loved the feeling of being remembered by someone! Anyone! I had almost forgotten what it feels like to get flowers. This brought all those bubbly feelings back to the surface.

I need you all to know that I did not stay true to my New Year's Resolutions to lose 50 pounds or work my MLM business. But I did manage to meet my MLM minimums every quarter without fail. Tips to all MLMers out there. Leaving catalogs in hair/nail salons, dentist offices, and spas really does work. Just be smarter than me and remember to update your business cards when you change your information. *gives wink*

Michael Vick wants a dog.


He says that it will help people see that he really is a good guy. Now. I love Michael Vick. And I was all about letting him back in the NFL. I was serious when I said that dogs are not people and that there are rapists, drug users, and wife beaters among the ranks of the overpaid. But there is no way in hell I condone giving him another dog. That's like letting a pedophile run an at-home daycare.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

A Bug In My Butt

This is totally shaping up to be one of those weeks. One of those really, truly, frightening weeks. It's a week that is packed to the edge of my sanity. Every minute on the freeway is carefully structured. Missing one task yesterday has set me back and forced me to scrounge around like a mouse for crumbs. Most people only have days like this. But for me, right now, it's a whole week. And if I were truly honest, it's been like this since November 26.

Thanksgiving was less than stellar. But it was compounded by my own mental anguish at not being able to cash in on some fabulous Black Friday deals. You see, normally by now all of my gifts have been purchased, brought up in casual conversation, exchanged for that thing you really wanted but never mentioned until just now, wrapped, and placed firmly under my Christmas tree waiting for the moment when it is ready to be handed to you with that anticipation in your eye and pure elation at the discovery that yes, people really do pay attention and buy you that one thing you really want but never mentioned until it was almost too late.

That is not where I am right now.

Right now I have this many gifts purchased: 0. It is driving me insane. Especially since the rest of this month is chocked full of foolishness and mayhem. And I think yesterday, as I waited patiently at a red light because all I was going to do was donate blood at the local Red Cross, it all just got to me. It's not really my fault. She should have waited at the light and tried to merge like a normal person. Everyone knows that the two lanes converge into one but we always have the simple courtesy to wait our turns.

I was fifth in line on the left and she sixth on the right. Except everyone in front of her was turning right. She saw this as her opportunity to accelerate and force me out of my rightful position. She was wrong.

I played a mean game of chicken. I was ready to die to stay fifth. She and I were going to drive side-by-side on to the freeway if she pushed me hard enough. But after she refused to relent, I jerked the wheel in her direction. Victory.

She laid on her horn for a solid minute. It just made me angry. So I slammed on my brakes. Let's just say she kept a careful distance after that. I went to give blood and my iron was low. There's nothing like submitting to finger pricks to be told, "Thank you, come again". Except this guy thought it would be great to comment on how he's never actually seen me give blood (I'm a multiple gallon giver, thank you very much!) and when I didn't laugh, he got nervous. I was too pissed to remember to take my complimentary cookies. Damn him!

Then I went to WalMart where there were 5 associates close enough to touch me but only one working. And when he offered me help, the heifer with the headset said, "Hey Joe, can you go get carts for me for like 20 minutes?". To which he responded positively. Which inspired me to say, "Right after you help me because I know she's not gonna keep pretending like I'm not standing here". She gave me big eyes. I gave her I-will-cut-you face. True story. Both of them. All before 6pm.

I don't know what it was but I hope it doesn't come back. I felt super icky and irritable all night. I hate when life is without wiggle room. But here's something to make you laugh. It's probably not safe for work but the acting in it is SUPERB. And then there's the added bonus of confidence.

And just one more thing:

Friday, December 10, 2010


Last night I poured my heart out to a friend. I had to because the words were close to bursting out of me like a broken dam. I'm not good with spoken words. At least, not when it comes to feelings. I have hurt people's feelings with a joke.

The topic of our conversation was trust.

How do you know who to trust? She's worried that I don't trust her but I do. It's other people I don't trust. Other people who lie to your face and cheat behind your back. People who do things out of malice simply to light a spark that they hope will engulf your world in a burning blaze of drama. People who have so little to be thankful for in their own lives that they can't leave other people's lives alone.

My friend was right. I should have told her as soon as I found out. I shouldn't have hid it from her. She always knew there was something under the surface; I don't hide things well. And I would have if I had known how. But I didn't. I wasn't going to give an ultimatum. And I wasn't going to defame another person based on my opinion. So I decided to do nothing. Which ultimately was the wrong decision.

I spent eight years of my life in a whirlwind of persistent drama. New cities, new schools, new friends... every year. After all of the girl fights and fist fights, I am purely exasperated with it all. I don't have room in my life to take on someone else's drama. And at this stage in my life I would hope that I am past that.

I'm not sorry that I chose to say nothing. I'm not sorry that things have been said and done that cannot be unsaid or undone. I am sorry that someone used my friend's intimate knowledge of me and my life to drive a wedge between us. I am sorry that people come into your life that can't be trusted. But mostly I am sorry that the only way this person feels whole is to tear others to pieces.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Because I Can

Tuesday, I stayed late to do a favor for a colleague. He could use the help. Plus, his customer likes me more. It's not my job to stay late. I don't get paid for staying late. And I don't get paid for selling stuff for him.

I came in Wednesday morning and was called into an 8:15am emergency meeting because he dimed me out and placed me firmly under a bus. But that's OK. At least I think it's OK. My boss is livid. Red in the face and comb over livid.

I had to ask him to relax and to "not be mad for me". Because it's a funny think about buses. They seem to come like clockwork. Every fifteen minutes. And if said colleague were smart enough to see the next one, he'd know that I'm making very careful, very detailed notes of all of his shortcomings. Every email, every phone call, every unreturned message is being documented.

P.S. - I hope you're ready.
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Monday, December 6, 2010

Oh Birthday, My Birthday

Yesterday was my Birthday!*pauses to let the raucous applause die down*

It all started on Friday. With money in my wallet there were two things I needed to do: put gas in to Big Red and buy groceries. I prayed the whole way home because my gas light came on when I pulled into work that morning and it hadn't occurred to me to fill the tank before heading home. Coasting up to the pumps, I breathed a heavy sigh of relief and then wept silently as I watched the digital numbers climb without shame.

I made it to the grocery store and what do I see but a woman standing to the side pleading with this ugly man. Tears streaming down her face, she tells him that she tries not to think about him with "her" and all these other women but now she can't. Now, she's the one suffering. She's the one that gets physically ill. She's the one that isn't getting any sleep. He gives her an icy glare and tells her that she knew how it would be and things won't change.

Their preteen daughter knows enough to not look and the little boy in the cart is now begging his mama for a kiss. She wipes her eyes, sees me staring, and casts her eyes back to the ground. I've seen it before. I lived it when I was the preteen and Nat was the kid in the cart. You could say I stalked them around the store but really I was just keeping one eye on them and my thumb on speed dial.

I raced home with a to-do list as long as Denny's schlong . This is where I should put the story of how I got things done. What really happened is that I sat on my ass, made myself a cup of peppermint cocoa and read a book. It was a really good book too.

Saturday I woke up and gave myself the gift of bangs. Then I did some baby shopping.

To start off right, I got myself a peppermint latter and slice of gingerbread. The fine barista let me know that my coffee would be at the other end. I opened my mouth to speak and she cut me off with, "It'll be at the other end". Closing my wallet, I set my copy of the baby registry down and she asked me if I needed help reading and understanding it.

I'm sure she meant well. Right? That's the approach I took because it's my birthday weekend goddammit and I'm not gonna let some coffee whore mess it all up. At the other end of the counter, my latte appears but not my gingerbread. Barista bitch gets a scowl from coffee-blending girl; I win.

I encountered the slowest cashier in the Midwest who said that she couldn't adjust the registry because she was "new and no one had ever shown her how". When I advised her to read the portion of the registry titled "Cashier Instructions" for help, she informed me that she wasn't sure she had the authority to do this kind of thing.

Me: "Thing like what? Read?"

The baby shower itself was a success. I won prize and acted like I had won a prize. Which to those of you who either a) don't win many prizes or b) don't appreciate a hard-earned win would look like I'd just struck oil by turning on a faucet. I was super excited. In ways that only a photograph could express. Thankfully, there are none.

I breezed out of there and got all dressed for the zoo. Our zoo does a fantastic lights display and the trip was free (for me) and so I gleefully spent 2 hours trekking through the cold, blowing snot sickles, and not seeing any animals. Then Mom and I watched Eclipse. The best part of the movie was when Bella cut her arm in attempt to keep Edward from being destroyed and Mom said, "Jesus! You tell this chick one Indian tale and she thinks she's Sacajawea". I died.

Sunday, I got up and took myself to a posh brunch and got an invitation from mom for dinner. I accepted and was starting to get ready when I got a text from my friend Paige. She was 20 weeks pregnant and had just
 found out last Thursday (12/2) that the little bean inside of her was going to grown into a baby boy. We were all ecstatic for her and loved the way that she announced it: by sending us all a link to her ultrasound that she had posted on Vimeo.

But yesterday, I got this message:
"I don't know how to say this. I'm in the hospital and lost my baby due to a ruptured amniotic sac. I wish I were dead."

I stopped and I cried.
A couple of hours passed and I finally went off to my own birthday celebration. I went to the pub where we met striped-shirt Steve. Apparently, there was some band playing but I promise you they weren't good. Nat and Mr. T surprised me with a chocolate cake that was topped with enough candles to violate all sorts of fire codes and I got to eat my name right out of the center.

Thankfully, I had the foresight to only drink the free shots. Otherwise, right now, I'd be fucked.

P.S. - I know that I owe you four more days of the meme and I promise to get back to it at some point. Maybe. I'm not exactly known for finishing things.

Update: I ended the night with a pizza dog (a hotdog - cut down the center - stuffed with pepperoni and then WRAPPED IN A SLICE OF PIZZA AS A BUN. The epicocity of it all is unreal. And while you think that should have been an easy choice to make, I had to turn down the "Cheezus Crust" aka a grilled cheese sandwich using pizza for bread. Then there's the Baby Cheezus, it's half the size but just as "blasphemalicious". Ha! Good times.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I Was A Beer-Goggled Bat But Even I Knew There Was Something

Last night, I really just needed to unwind. So I called up Nat and told her that I wanted to go out for drinks. She was game. Mr. T & Ashton were going to do boy stuff and we were going to relax. Except, Ashton's mom decided that our plans sucked and that the best course of action would be to stick some lit dynamite all up in 'em.

Nat texts me disgruntled, Mr. T whines about how he would hate to spend the night all by himself, and I'm gripping the steering wheel of Big Red and driving 50 on the freeway because it's dark outside, it's raining, and I forgot my glasses.

I arrived on their street going a steady 22 mph to find them both on the porch having a smoke. My poor doggie niece was dripping wet but she wasn't about to go inside because that would mean that something awesome would immediately happen afterwards and she didn't want to take that risk.

We laugh. We chat. They mock me.

Mr. T's coming along and OMG can he talk! And talk. And talk. And talk.

Every so often, we would send him to refresh our beers and he would talk to someone else, so we in turn would talk about him. Nat really does love him. And she's the cutest girl he's ever been with. Ever. His last ex looked like a tranny, post-op, but still waiting on the estrogen to kick in. Ashton's mom is pretty. She's gorgeous even. Especially for having a rambunctious four-year-old. But you can tell that she's a bitch. It's in her eyes.

Turns out that I'm exactly 8 months and 26 days older than Mr. T. I know this because he almost had an aneurysm doing the math.

After we had more beers than anyone should consume on a Tuesday, Nat and I went to "play" pool. I use the term play loosely because really we spent 45 minutes missing shots, scratching, and cheating.

That's when *Steve asked if we wanted to play doubles and he volunteered to be on my team. Nat and I conferred and since we were both done playing, the boys were given our blessing to play alone. Nat said something silly, I retorted with "That's what she said!", everybody in a 2 foot radius laughed.

Somebody slipped me two whole dollars and pointed me in the direction of the juke box. Do I need to tell you what was played? Of course I do! I broke out the Color Me Badd and made everyone in the bar sing along. You wouldn't believe how many people love this band... secretly.

Steve really is a nice guy. We chatted quite a bit and we have the same sense of humor. There aren't many people who know and love Mike Birbiglia. He gave me great tips on how to start and grow my above ground garden. I even got free advice on killing the God awful ivy that plagues my waking dreams.

He's environmentally conscious and will freely tell you the benefits of eating farm-raised seafood, as well as, the human effect on our country's bee population.** Steve almost got into a documentary that he'd seen but I yelled for him to STOP! before he could get all of the words out because Lord knows that I will slap the fool that gives Nat anymore documentaries to watch. We are all still trying to recover from the damage of Food, Inc.

I have no idea what he does for a living but I can tell you that he single-handedly started his company's recycling program and takes it upon himself to do the sorting for the lazies who don't give a damn about their footprint, he's two whole months younger than Mr. T, and hopes that he'll see me again.

I bet you ten bucks he's gay.***

*Not his real name. But I call him Steve because he was wearing a striped shirt. No, the stripes were red.

** I even promised to stop killing spiders because (apparently) they are not bugs and should be taken outside to a new home - like my impending garden - where they can do good.

*** Nat and Mr. T say I'm crazy and that he was into me but I was wearing my fat jeans and no make-up. Let's do math. fat jeans + (gym sneakers  * no make-up) + period bloating/ witty banter = gay dude. See?

Tough Decisions

Some people can't keep their fucking mouths shut.

When I started this blog, it was strictly so that I would have an outlet for my feelings at any given moment. One person wanted to follow me and so I began to censor myself. As more and more people stopped by to read about my life, I began to dress things up a bit in an effort to entertain but not always keeping true to myself.

That stopped a long time ago.

People say knowledge is power. I say that being nosey will get your feelings hurt.

If you don't like it, stop reading. If I offended you in some way... well... you probably deserved it.
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