Friday, December 31, 2010

The Times They Are a-Changin'

Dear 2010,

Fuck you.

You were an absolute horrible time in my life and I'm glad that you're gone. The part of me that is optimistic and looks toward the future is so glad that we will never meet again. If I had a time-travelling knife, I would cut you right out of my life.

Confused? Let's discuss:

January - Plagued with constant illness

February - Paid money to find love only to be matched with complete ass hats with chihuahuas sticking out of their t-shirts or fantastic men with an inability to move forward. Priceless.

March - Damaged someone else's vehicle, was bailed out by my brother, and had a major row with my sister. And I didn't get the one I wanted.

April - Hit an all-time low in my emotional life

May - Got majorly offended and embarrassed my sister in a huge way

June - Gramma fell outrageously ill

July - I lost my baby

August - Gave this asshole my number

September - I had this day which was promptly followed by this dream

October - This post was distributed because people like to start drama. No, I'm still not sorry I wrote it.

November - I had a week-long battle with my mother and managed to fail at a meme

December - I realized that I'd lost a good friend and am having a war with a colleageue

You did nothing if not keep me humble. Everytime I tried to make a positive progression, you made sure to put me firmly back into my place. I am only so hateful because I had such high hopes for you. You and I were going to take on the world together. We had endless possibilities. Then you ruined it with your constant negativity.

Even the moments when everything was going as planned were draped in doubt and uncertainty.

I wouldn't take back any of your days because for every three blows you dealt, you were kind enough to offer me a day of solace.

With that, I look forward to 2011. It really doesn't have a choice but to be better. Because I am not afraid to punch a day in the face.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Thankful Thursday

Today, is the last Thursday of the year. It is the very last time in 2010 that I will have to let all of you know how thankful I am for the small things in my life. So why don't we just take our time with it?

A bilities
B ooks
C ookies, candies, and chocolate
D ance music ("I'ma tell you one tiiiiiiime!")
E vening sunsets
F ootball
G irl nights
H ot toddies
I ce cream
J elly
K lea
M orning sunrise
N apkins
O pportunities
P aychecks
Q uiet time
R omantic comedies
S isters
T aylor Lautner
U mbrellas
V odka
W alks
X anax and other pills like it
Y oga
Z oo trips

That's it - from A to Z. These are the things that kept me relatively sane throughout 2010. Which was, admittedly, a very tough year.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Who Said Holidays Are Relaxing?

This past holiday weekend was eventful even though I didn't do much.

Thursday, I sat at work and prayed, hoped, and wished on freshly fallen snow that they would let us go home early. They did not. Which is ok. I went and had family Christmas where I gots my Nook! The gift exchange was awesome. We all got our annual Christmas pajamas and even Mr. T had a good time.

Later that night I met Averi and her hubs at our favorite watering hole.

Sidebar: This is the first time I've met hubs. He's a prior Marine and good Lord is he a hugger! Major hugs! Apparently, Av has nothing but good things to say about me and so he felt like he knew me. Except for the part about personal space. He must've missed that.

But we passed up a Christmas Eve's Eve concert to just drink beers and shoot some pool. Only Av started drinking beers at 8p and I was with the fam until a little after 10p. Which is totally her fault because originally we weren't supposed to meet until 11p. You can see how I was actually early and not late as she tried to bill it. But we shoot a few games. I'm preoccupied, Av is talking to everyone that she makes eye contact with and the Marine is looking tired.

We grab a bite to eat at a local diner that I lived across the street from for FIVE YEARS but never knew existed. Go figure! The food is good and the pancakes are humongous (they call them "manhole covers"). There was a serious conversation about having more than one child. The Marine thinks that you can't love more than one child; its not possible. Av was drunk so we won't talk about what she thinks. But I tried to help him see that you can love each child the way they need. It is haaaaaaaaaaaaaaard being sober when everyone else is lit! Reasonable conversations take a dark, twisty turn for no reason. I was told way too much info about his family that shall not be disclosed because... DAMN!

Friday I sat at home and cleaned half of what I own. Taking on the whole apartment just seemed like too much. I also waited until 9:15p to decide that I was hungry and that nothing in my house would do. Which resulted in Donatos because they were the only ones open. I paid $2.95 for a side salad. I can't even use an exclamation point because its just so damn sad.

Christmas Day I put on my holiday jammies and met with some of my favorite ladies for a gift exchange. Just super cute small stuff. We also allow a Yankee swap of things you got from friends/family earlier in the day that you just can't stand to keep. I took some things that I'd won at various other parties since the summer. I mean, how many lotions and body washes does a girl need?

Carson Palmer
Sunday was my Fundaaaaaaayy! I watched my beloved Bengals play without distraction (ahem! T. O. & Ocho) and win against the Chargers! WHO DEY! I went with my birthday buddy who is an avid Chargers fan and a sore loser. It was all extra special because I'd never seen the Bengals win before. *queue tear drops*
Pic found here

Monday, I stayed home and did nothing... at all... except  read. And walk the dog. It was a spectacular plan really. I was supposed to meet Nat at my mom's around 10p but I dutifully fell asleep on my futon around 9:30. TV was just that boring.

So there you have it. My holiday weekend was way more exciting than I had planned on it being and I enjoyed every minute of it. There was no pressure to please anyone or do anything "seasonal" and I think that's what made it so fine.

P. S. - Who dey? Who dey? Who think they gonna beat them BENGALS!!!!!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Are You There, Blog?


In the last week I've been doing lots of crazy things and hanging with all the crazy people I know. And when you're hanging with real-live peeps your blog peeps suffer. Never fear! I'm sure I'll be back in full force soon... Maybe.. don't hold your breath.

But while I was gone, I want to assure you that nothing super exciting has happened at all. Not at all. I did not have dinner with a friend where he revealed he was in a relationship with a married woman. I, in no way, had an epic battle, heroic crusade, or marathon melee with my mother. I don't even know why I would mention it. No one asked for my advice on how to step on out into the dating world after having a serious convo with his baby mama in which they decided that they would "co-parent" their son despite the gaping distance. I did not blurt out that Ke$ha "has no fucking talent" and "sucked a lot of dicks to get here" in the middle of a bar.

Ashton, however, did show his ass in true form and opened every gift that Nat bought. Even the ones that weren't for him. Which, incidentally, is how she discovered that he can neither read nor recognize his name. At the age of 4. And a half. Going on 5. Where he'll start school. Next fall. I have to stop writing now because my ear is touching my shoulder and my voice can't go higher.

A delivery boy almost died on my icy steps because some bung hole stole my $2.99 bag of sidewalk salt. So I put half a jar of $4.39 sea salt down until I could get to the store. It obvs is not the same. Jenny, The Bloggess, blew me away with her generosity and I guess I'm not the only one. It's INTERNATIONAL NEWS, People! I just wish I had been able to be a part of it.

Striped Shirt Steve and I are... well... that's not your business now is it?

I gets my Nook tonight. I have a $25 B&N gift card and then a fistful of free money courtesy of some of my colleagues. Plus, I read the damned tutorial and discovered that Google has eBooks as well so all is not lost and I may not return the thing from whence it came after all. Aaaaand, my library is going to start free eBook "check out" on the 27th. So all in all, this holiday doesn't suck donkey balls but perhaps only monkey balls. Those are cleaner as they aren't so close to the ground.

I'm off to Christmas #2 of 3. I'm really excited for Saturday though! That's when me and the girlies are going to do our Christmas thing. Someone once said that "friends are the family you pick for yourself". They were right but should have added "...and enemies are dung nuggets that God accidentally gave life".

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Giving Thanks and Such

Sometimes, when you think it's all ready to come to an end you have to go back to where it all began. Today I want to give thanks for:
  • six degrees of separation
  • friends who insist that you come out among the living simply because they need to be out among the living
  • having people who will celebrate the day of my birth again and again until I say stop
  • side hustles
  • pizza, beer, rum, and Wii
  • cash as presents
  • surprise flower deliveries.
Aaaaaaaaaaaand, Scene!


On Sunday, I was headed to my Mom's in the thick of our first real winter snow when I watched this minivan breeze off the ramp and lose control. The vehicle hit another vehicle in oncoming traffic and then went head on into the median. I didn't stop driving. I did call 911. I told my mom about it when I got to her house and we both shook our heads.Where could this person be headed to that they wouldn't risk missing a green light?

Tuesday night after cheer practice, April came home to tell me that one of the boys in her class was in an accident. The accident happened on Sunday. She wanted to know if I'd heard about it because it was by my house. The boy and his sister are fine; their mother died. I cried. I lament the fact that I these children are now homeless orphans. How often do we hear of tragedy and overlook it because it doesn't affect us directly? This incident humbled me again.

Yesterday, I received the most beautiful bouquet of flowers. I've never been one to put much stock in gifts but I loved the feeling of being remembered by someone! Anyone! I had almost forgotten what it feels like to get flowers. This brought all those bubbly feelings back to the surface.

I need you all to know that I did not stay true to my New Year's Resolutions to lose 50 pounds or work my MLM business. But I did manage to meet my MLM minimums every quarter without fail. Tips to all MLMers out there. Leaving catalogs in hair/nail salons, dentist offices, and spas really does work. Just be smarter than me and remember to update your business cards when you change your information. *gives wink*

Michael Vick wants a dog.


He says that it will help people see that he really is a good guy. Now. I love Michael Vick. And I was all about letting him back in the NFL. I was serious when I said that dogs are not people and that there are rapists, drug users, and wife beaters among the ranks of the overpaid. But there is no way in hell I condone giving him another dog. That's like letting a pedophile run an at-home daycare.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

A Bug In My Butt

This is totally shaping up to be one of those weeks. One of those really, truly, frightening weeks. It's a week that is packed to the edge of my sanity. Every minute on the freeway is carefully structured. Missing one task yesterday has set me back and forced me to scrounge around like a mouse for crumbs. Most people only have days like this. But for me, right now, it's a whole week. And if I were truly honest, it's been like this since November 26.

Thanksgiving was less than stellar. But it was compounded by my own mental anguish at not being able to cash in on some fabulous Black Friday deals. You see, normally by now all of my gifts have been purchased, brought up in casual conversation, exchanged for that thing you really wanted but never mentioned until just now, wrapped, and placed firmly under my Christmas tree waiting for the moment when it is ready to be handed to you with that anticipation in your eye and pure elation at the discovery that yes, people really do pay attention and buy you that one thing you really want but never mentioned until it was almost too late.

That is not where I am right now.

Right now I have this many gifts purchased: 0. It is driving me insane. Especially since the rest of this month is chocked full of foolishness and mayhem. And I think yesterday, as I waited patiently at a red light because all I was going to do was donate blood at the local Red Cross, it all just got to me. It's not really my fault. She should have waited at the light and tried to merge like a normal person. Everyone knows that the two lanes converge into one but we always have the simple courtesy to wait our turns.

I was fifth in line on the left and she sixth on the right. Except everyone in front of her was turning right. She saw this as her opportunity to accelerate and force me out of my rightful position. She was wrong.

I played a mean game of chicken. I was ready to die to stay fifth. She and I were going to drive side-by-side on to the freeway if she pushed me hard enough. But after she refused to relent, I jerked the wheel in her direction. Victory.

She laid on her horn for a solid minute. It just made me angry. So I slammed on my brakes. Let's just say she kept a careful distance after that. I went to give blood and my iron was low. There's nothing like submitting to finger pricks to be told, "Thank you, come again". Except this guy thought it would be great to comment on how he's never actually seen me give blood (I'm a multiple gallon giver, thank you very much!) and when I didn't laugh, he got nervous. I was too pissed to remember to take my complimentary cookies. Damn him!

Then I went to WalMart where there were 5 associates close enough to touch me but only one working. And when he offered me help, the heifer with the headset said, "Hey Joe, can you go get carts for me for like 20 minutes?". To which he responded positively. Which inspired me to say, "Right after you help me because I know she's not gonna keep pretending like I'm not standing here". She gave me big eyes. I gave her I-will-cut-you face. True story. Both of them. All before 6pm.

I don't know what it was but I hope it doesn't come back. I felt super icky and irritable all night. I hate when life is without wiggle room. But here's something to make you laugh. It's probably not safe for work but the acting in it is SUPERB. And then there's the added bonus of confidence.

And just one more thing:

Friday, December 10, 2010


Last night I poured my heart out to a friend. I had to because the words were close to bursting out of me like a broken dam. I'm not good with spoken words. At least, not when it comes to feelings. I have hurt people's feelings with a joke.

The topic of our conversation was trust.

How do you know who to trust? She's worried that I don't trust her but I do. It's other people I don't trust. Other people who lie to your face and cheat behind your back. People who do things out of malice simply to light a spark that they hope will engulf your world in a burning blaze of drama. People who have so little to be thankful for in their own lives that they can't leave other people's lives alone.

My friend was right. I should have told her as soon as I found out. I shouldn't have hid it from her. She always knew there was something under the surface; I don't hide things well. And I would have if I had known how. But I didn't. I wasn't going to give an ultimatum. And I wasn't going to defame another person based on my opinion. So I decided to do nothing. Which ultimately was the wrong decision.

I spent eight years of my life in a whirlwind of persistent drama. New cities, new schools, new friends... every year. After all of the girl fights and fist fights, I am purely exasperated with it all. I don't have room in my life to take on someone else's drama. And at this stage in my life I would hope that I am past that.

I'm not sorry that I chose to say nothing. I'm not sorry that things have been said and done that cannot be unsaid or undone. I am sorry that someone used my friend's intimate knowledge of me and my life to drive a wedge between us. I am sorry that people come into your life that can't be trusted. But mostly I am sorry that the only way this person feels whole is to tear others to pieces.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Because I Can

Tuesday, I stayed late to do a favor for a colleague. He could use the help. Plus, his customer likes me more. It's not my job to stay late. I don't get paid for staying late. And I don't get paid for selling stuff for him.

I came in Wednesday morning and was called into an 8:15am emergency meeting because he dimed me out and placed me firmly under a bus. But that's OK. At least I think it's OK. My boss is livid. Red in the face and comb over livid.

I had to ask him to relax and to "not be mad for me". Because it's a funny think about buses. They seem to come like clockwork. Every fifteen minutes. And if said colleague were smart enough to see the next one, he'd know that I'm making very careful, very detailed notes of all of his shortcomings. Every email, every phone call, every unreturned message is being documented.

P.S. - I hope you're ready.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Monday, December 6, 2010

Oh Birthday, My Birthday

Yesterday was my Birthday!*pauses to let the raucous applause die down*

It all started on Friday. With money in my wallet there were two things I needed to do: put gas in to Big Red and buy groceries. I prayed the whole way home because my gas light came on when I pulled into work that morning and it hadn't occurred to me to fill the tank before heading home. Coasting up to the pumps, I breathed a heavy sigh of relief and then wept silently as I watched the digital numbers climb without shame.

I made it to the grocery store and what do I see but a woman standing to the side pleading with this ugly man. Tears streaming down her face, she tells him that she tries not to think about him with "her" and all these other women but now she can't. Now, she's the one suffering. She's the one that gets physically ill. She's the one that isn't getting any sleep. He gives her an icy glare and tells her that she knew how it would be and things won't change.

Their preteen daughter knows enough to not look and the little boy in the cart is now begging his mama for a kiss. She wipes her eyes, sees me staring, and casts her eyes back to the ground. I've seen it before. I lived it when I was the preteen and Nat was the kid in the cart. You could say I stalked them around the store but really I was just keeping one eye on them and my thumb on speed dial.

I raced home with a to-do list as long as Denny's schlong . This is where I should put the story of how I got things done. What really happened is that I sat on my ass, made myself a cup of peppermint cocoa and read a book. It was a really good book too.

Saturday I woke up and gave myself the gift of bangs. Then I did some baby shopping.

To start off right, I got myself a peppermint latter and slice of gingerbread. The fine barista let me know that my coffee would be at the other end. I opened my mouth to speak and she cut me off with, "It'll be at the other end". Closing my wallet, I set my copy of the baby registry down and she asked me if I needed help reading and understanding it.

I'm sure she meant well. Right? That's the approach I took because it's my birthday weekend goddammit and I'm not gonna let some coffee whore mess it all up. At the other end of the counter, my latte appears but not my gingerbread. Barista bitch gets a scowl from coffee-blending girl; I win.

I encountered the slowest cashier in the Midwest who said that she couldn't adjust the registry because she was "new and no one had ever shown her how". When I advised her to read the portion of the registry titled "Cashier Instructions" for help, she informed me that she wasn't sure she had the authority to do this kind of thing.

Me: "Thing like what? Read?"

The baby shower itself was a success. I won prize and acted like I had won a prize. Which to those of you who either a) don't win many prizes or b) don't appreciate a hard-earned win would look like I'd just struck oil by turning on a faucet. I was super excited. In ways that only a photograph could express. Thankfully, there are none.

I breezed out of there and got all dressed for the zoo. Our zoo does a fantastic lights display and the trip was free (for me) and so I gleefully spent 2 hours trekking through the cold, blowing snot sickles, and not seeing any animals. Then Mom and I watched Eclipse. The best part of the movie was when Bella cut her arm in attempt to keep Edward from being destroyed and Mom said, "Jesus! You tell this chick one Indian tale and she thinks she's Sacajawea". I died.

Sunday, I got up and took myself to a posh brunch and got an invitation from mom for dinner. I accepted and was starting to get ready when I got a text from my friend Paige. She was 20 weeks pregnant and had just
 found out last Thursday (12/2) that the little bean inside of her was going to grown into a baby boy. We were all ecstatic for her and loved the way that she announced it: by sending us all a link to her ultrasound that she had posted on Vimeo.

But yesterday, I got this message:
"I don't know how to say this. I'm in the hospital and lost my baby due to a ruptured amniotic sac. I wish I were dead."

I stopped and I cried.
A couple of hours passed and I finally went off to my own birthday celebration. I went to the pub where we met striped-shirt Steve. Apparently, there was some band playing but I promise you they weren't good. Nat and Mr. T surprised me with a chocolate cake that was topped with enough candles to violate all sorts of fire codes and I got to eat my name right out of the center.

Thankfully, I had the foresight to only drink the free shots. Otherwise, right now, I'd be fucked.

P.S. - I know that I owe you four more days of the meme and I promise to get back to it at some point. Maybe. I'm not exactly known for finishing things.

Update: I ended the night with a pizza dog (a hotdog - cut down the center - stuffed with pepperoni and then WRAPPED IN A SLICE OF PIZZA AS A BUN. The epicocity of it all is unreal. And while you think that should have been an easy choice to make, I had to turn down the "Cheezus Crust" aka a grilled cheese sandwich using pizza for bread. Then there's the Baby Cheezus, it's half the size but just as "blasphemalicious". Ha! Good times.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I Was A Beer-Goggled Bat But Even I Knew There Was Something

Last night, I really just needed to unwind. So I called up Nat and told her that I wanted to go out for drinks. She was game. Mr. T & Ashton were going to do boy stuff and we were going to relax. Except, Ashton's mom decided that our plans sucked and that the best course of action would be to stick some lit dynamite all up in 'em.

Nat texts me disgruntled, Mr. T whines about how he would hate to spend the night all by himself, and I'm gripping the steering wheel of Big Red and driving 50 on the freeway because it's dark outside, it's raining, and I forgot my glasses.

I arrived on their street going a steady 22 mph to find them both on the porch having a smoke. My poor doggie niece was dripping wet but she wasn't about to go inside because that would mean that something awesome would immediately happen afterwards and she didn't want to take that risk.

We laugh. We chat. They mock me.

Mr. T's coming along and OMG can he talk! And talk. And talk. And talk.

Every so often, we would send him to refresh our beers and he would talk to someone else, so we in turn would talk about him. Nat really does love him. And she's the cutest girl he's ever been with. Ever. His last ex looked like a tranny, post-op, but still waiting on the estrogen to kick in. Ashton's mom is pretty. She's gorgeous even. Especially for having a rambunctious four-year-old. But you can tell that she's a bitch. It's in her eyes.

Turns out that I'm exactly 8 months and 26 days older than Mr. T. I know this because he almost had an aneurysm doing the math.

After we had more beers than anyone should consume on a Tuesday, Nat and I went to "play" pool. I use the term play loosely because really we spent 45 minutes missing shots, scratching, and cheating.

That's when *Steve asked if we wanted to play doubles and he volunteered to be on my team. Nat and I conferred and since we were both done playing, the boys were given our blessing to play alone. Nat said something silly, I retorted with "That's what she said!", everybody in a 2 foot radius laughed.

Somebody slipped me two whole dollars and pointed me in the direction of the juke box. Do I need to tell you what was played? Of course I do! I broke out the Color Me Badd and made everyone in the bar sing along. You wouldn't believe how many people love this band... secretly.

Steve really is a nice guy. We chatted quite a bit and we have the same sense of humor. There aren't many people who know and love Mike Birbiglia. He gave me great tips on how to start and grow my above ground garden. I even got free advice on killing the God awful ivy that plagues my waking dreams.

He's environmentally conscious and will freely tell you the benefits of eating farm-raised seafood, as well as, the human effect on our country's bee population.** Steve almost got into a documentary that he'd seen but I yelled for him to STOP! before he could get all of the words out because Lord knows that I will slap the fool that gives Nat anymore documentaries to watch. We are all still trying to recover from the damage of Food, Inc.

I have no idea what he does for a living but I can tell you that he single-handedly started his company's recycling program and takes it upon himself to do the sorting for the lazies who don't give a damn about their footprint, he's two whole months younger than Mr. T, and hopes that he'll see me again.

I bet you ten bucks he's gay.***

*Not his real name. But I call him Steve because he was wearing a striped shirt. No, the stripes were red.

** I even promised to stop killing spiders because (apparently) they are not bugs and should be taken outside to a new home - like my impending garden - where they can do good.

*** Nat and Mr. T say I'm crazy and that he was into me but I was wearing my fat jeans and no make-up. Let's do math. fat jeans + (gym sneakers  * no make-up) + period bloating/ witty banter = gay dude. See?

Tough Decisions

Some people can't keep their fucking mouths shut.

When I started this blog, it was strictly so that I would have an outlet for my feelings at any given moment. One person wanted to follow me and so I began to censor myself. As more and more people stopped by to read about my life, I began to dress things up a bit in an effort to entertain but not always keeping true to myself.

That stopped a long time ago.

People say knowledge is power. I say that being nosey will get your feelings hurt.

If you don't like it, stop reading. If I offended you in some way... well... you probably deserved it.

Monday, November 29, 2010

So Ungrateful

I used to get depressed during the holiday season. There seems to be nothing for me to get excited about. Last year, I sat in my mother's house completely forgotten and this year, I spent the whole weekend stressed about everything. I know that I should find a way to be thankful. I know that I should spend more time focusing on the good or at least trying to make things good but I struggle with that in ways I can't make you understand.

My mother has never been the one to take control of anything. She does it on purpose. If she doesn't take control then she cannot be considered responsible for things falling apart. The problem with this is that she will not allow anyone else to take control either. She relishes in the role of "helper" which would be helpful if she didn't insist on doing everything her way.

I do take orders well. I tend to follow processes whichever way they are designed. My mother struggles with these things because she doesn't like being told what to do. She also wrestles with the idea of not always knowing what is right or best for someone else's life. This weekend I endured constant badgering about my relationship with the Scorpio. It resulted in me yelling at the top of my lungs that she should let it go because it's. never. gonna happen. Just never.

She told me that I needed to take notes on Nat's current relationship stressors because I would find myself saying these same things when I finally found someone. I, not so kindly, informed her that I would never take notes from Nat and that if Nat had any sense she wouldn't take any queues from mom. I also reminded her that I have lived with three different men in my life and managed to keep all of my stressors from her because she is always less than helpful.

Like the time this past summer when I was dogged by a particular group of friends. While I sat there at her kitchen table crumpled over in tears, she gave me one pat on my left shoulder. Her advice? "Don't cry. There's no point in crying. Now you can stop hanging out with them and find a group of people that are worth something. I never liked them anyway." This came complete with that half-hearted, half-assed, all-condescending pat on the back. I remember it feeling so cold that I wished she hadn't bothered to touch me at all.

She went on about my drinking, my cooking, my baking, my control issues, my dog. She demeaned my career path and how I went about finishing my degree. She called me ungrateful for walking away from a scholarship that "[someone who is not my mother] fought very hard to get for [me]. For what? A boy? Heh". She relentlessly gave her opinion on topics of which she has no knowledge and made me wonder in earnest why I bother to come around.

This was all put on hold briefly when I received a phone call from my dad. He was working all day. Our talk was brief and she wasted no time telling me how sad she was for me because it seemed like he really wanted a relationship with me before and now it had been reduced to almost nothing.

I hate this time of year. With Thanksgiving, my birthday, and Christmas coming in such rapid succession, I feel exposed to more ridicule and back handedness than any one person should have to endure in a 30 day window. Am I wrong in thinking that it's ok that I don't get the one thing I requested for my birthday? Everyone knows what I need but when you ask what I want, I'll tell you. What I don't expect to hear is, "Well, if I get you that it'll be for your birthday and Christmas". I don't expect to hear that because no one else in the house has to hear that. No one. Ever. I've watched her give away netbooks. In September. Just because.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. Scratch that. I do know what I'm trying to say. What I'm saying is that I hate my family. There have been many days when I've prayed that I could start over. I spent a good chuck of my life trying to get married so that I could legitimately have a family of my own. I know that I can't make them better people and I can't yet walk away. But when the time comes that my promise has been fulfilled, I'm gone. I did it before and my soul was never more at peace. I hate the feeling of being bound to them. More than you know.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Day 26: My Week In Great Detail

*Twice in one day? Ooo la la.

Monday: wake up, hit snooze, wake up, walk dog, shower & dress for work, brave rush-hour traffic, clock in, get coffee, talk to CBS111, read other people's blogs, write the day's blog, look at my work phone, Facebook from my cell, use my work phone, lunch, return messages, Facebook again, work for serious, gripe to CBS111 about work, check my month-to-date numbers, brave rush-hour traffic, walk dog, put on sweats, workout for a half hour, cook dinner, watch TV.

Tuesday: wake up, hit snooze, wake up, walk dog, shower & dress for work, brave rush-hour traffic, clock in, get coffee, talk to CBS111, Facebook from my phone, work, read other people's blogs, write the day's blog (maybe), work again, daydream, let CBS111 work, lunch, think about ways to give 60% on the job, ignore my boss, go on break, refresh blog listing, try to find new blogs to read, brave rush-hour traffic, walk dog, put on sweats, check mail, recover from yesterday's workout, eat leftovers, clean bathroom and kitchen, watch anything that's not Glee.

Wednesday: wake up, hit snooze, wake up, walk dog, shower & dress for work, brave rush-hour traffic, clock in, get coffee, talk to CBS111, realize that the week is half over, read other people's blogs, write the day's blog, use my work phone for work, lunch, work because I am two days behind, calculate commission, make weekend plans, work for serious, look for something I don't really need, brave rush-hour traffic, walk dog, put on sweats, clean living room, go back out to buy dinner, wait anxiously for Modern Family.

Thursday: wake up, hit snooze, wake up, walk dog, shower & dress for work, brave rush-hour traffic, clock in, get coffee, talk to CBS111, woooooooooorrrrrrrkkkkkkk, lunch, check my Facebook, read other people's blogs, only blog if totally necessary, suffer the repercussions of procrastination, brave rush-hour traffic, walk dog, put on sweats, eat junk food or cereal for dinner, clean bathroom, lay across bed and wait for NBC's fantastic comedy line up.

Friday: wake up, hit snooze, wake up late, race dog around the complex, skip shower & dress like its a Saturday, curse at rush-hour traffic, clock in, bitch loudly about how bad this day is, get coffee, try not to get fired by my absolute inability to do anything productive, lunch, doodle around on the internet, look at things I can't afford to buy, waffle over my weekend plans, barely glance at work phone, accelerate through rush-hour traffice, walk dog, put on sweats, pull out ice cream, convince myself that I actually did intend to work out today, put on a DVD, do some crafts.

Saturday: YAY! I can do what I want!

Sunday: wake up, walk the dog, feed the dog, clean, go to Mom's house, have lunch.

*That is what she said!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Day 25: My Day In Great Detail

The Thanksgiving Day Edition

0530 - wake up at mom's house
0531 - growl at the alarm clock
0545 - get off the couch
0547 - pee in the dark
0555 - put leash on dog and get dragged for 6 six blocks
0615 - get back to mom's and feed dog
0620 - get in the shower
0637 - have mom burst in on me in the shower to ask, "who are you talking to?"
0638 - explain that I don't want anything
0700 - dressed and ready to cook
0710 - start breakfast muffins
0715 - mom gets in the way
0800 - breakfast consumed
0810 - ready Thanksgiving Day menu aloud and reinforce the idea of the time line
0811 - get told that the time line is not important
0811:30 - roll my eyes
0815 - assemble all ingredients needed to complete dinner
0840 - call Nat to see when she's going to make it over to start the veggie lasagna
           have world's most ridiculous conversation with someone who's half asleep
0845 - prepare to prep veggies for lasagna myself
0846 - get told again that the time line is not important
0847 - pull turkey from fridge
0849 - gasp as the turkey is EIGHT POUNDS HEAVIER than requested and anticipated
0850 - grumble because the turkey is still frozen inside
0851 - re-wrap turkey and drag it to bathtub
... - forget that the tub is running
0910 - remember the tub is running and trip trying to get to the bathroom before it overflows
0912 - stop tub just before it overflows
0915 - finally begin prepping veggies for lasagna
0930 - April and Rebecca want to help but really end up standing in the way
0937 - threaten to start drinking if mom doesn't back off
0940 - tell April that she should keep her thoughts to herself
1014 - begin assembling 3-layers of lasagna with help from girls
1037 - lasagna goes in oven 67 minutes late
1040 - start greens
1100 - take the desserts from the fridge
1110 - assign chores to the girls to keep them out of the way
1130 - rinse and prep turkey using fresh sage, butter, and bacon
1210 - remove lasagna from oven, put turkey in - turkey is an hour behind schedule
1212 - accept that time line is fucked and pour first goblet of wine
1230 - 1630 - lose all ability to give a shit about time because I have consumed a gigantic bottle of Woodbridge Riesling by myself. Nat and Mr. T are here now. The turkey gets basted in maple syrup when I remember to and since it's heavier than I thought it would be it took an extra hour to cook.
1642 -  turkey finishes
1645 - put greens, beans, and twice baked potatoes in oven
1650 - get mac & cheese going on the stove
1652 - prep toppings for the twice baked potatoes
1700 - get rolls on two baking sheets
1715 - remove greens, beans, and potatoes. put in rolls and mac & cheese
1730 - everything out on table
1732 - Mr. T takes Thanksgiving Day photos
1740 - Moms husband prays and we eat.
1900 - I pass out drunk in the arm chair in the den


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Day 24: Where I Live

From Losing It

Apparently, I live by a goddamn bus depot.

And since we're on the topic, why is it that you never see the fiiiiiiinnnnneeeee men riding the bus. On this particular day, I happened to be home sick and this awful thing was ruining my view of the apartments across the street. Naturally, I got up, fluffed my hair, put on lipstick, stuck a wad of tissue up my nose and peered through the blinds to see what I could see. And what did I see but a Grey Beard doing the driving and a hobo-esque man wheezing his way down the stairs.

I'm way to close to 30 for this shit.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Day 23: YouTube Video

You will want to have sound, although it's not completely necessary. You. Are. Welcome.

:41: Raymond walks off the set because he’s ready for the final puzzle round.
:59: Hands the card off to Pat without even looking at him.
1:15: “Of course”
1:32: “H”
4:25: Another genius sightless handoff.
5:57: “Vanna, put those L’s on there!”
6:05: Best solve delivery in Wheel history.
7:45: “P”
8:03: The stream of guesses coming out of his mouth, which are GENIUS, specifically and most obviously, Halo Sauce/Mild Sauce.

Found Here.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Day 22: A Website

Ummm. Hello. My name is J Hyphen Bird aaaaand I'm addicted to Facebook. I let it rule my life. When I want to hurt someone emotionally, I delete them from my friend list. Whenever I have a feeling, I post it in my status. Everyone knows when I buy a new pair of shoes because I'll send it as a mobile upload.

I know that it's wrong. I know that Facebook is not a real place. But I can't stop. I don't want to stop.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling all strong and fit, I go here and chart my territory for the day. But that's not often. So, mostly you'll find me here. Mad stalking you.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Day 21: A Recipe

When I first saw this recipe, I was all, "Nuh-uh! I ain't eating that. Taco meat belongs in tacos". I was wrong. (You might want to print this post out because you won't ever see that sentence again)

Tacos in Pasta Shells

1 ¼ pounds Lean ground beef

3 oz Cream cheese

1 tsp Salt

1 tsp Chili Powder

18 Jumbo pasta shells

2 Tbsp Butter, melted

1 cup Taco sauce

1 cup shredded Cheddar Cheese

1 cup shredded Monterey Jack Cheese

1 ½ cups Crushed tortilla chips

1 cup Sour cream


1. In a large skillet, brown beef over medium heat until no longer pink; drain. Add cream cheese, salt, and chili powder; mix and simmer for 5 minutes.

2. Meanwhile, bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil. Add pasta and cook for 8-10 minutes or until al dente; drain. Toss cooked shells in butter.

3. Preheat oven to 350*

4. Fill shells with beef mixture and arrange in a 9X13 inch baking dish; pour taco sauce over shells. Cover with foil and bake in oven for 15 minutes.

5. Remove dish from oven and top with Cheddar cheese, Monterey Jack cheese and tortilla chips; return dish to oven to cook for 15 minutes more.

6. Top with sour cream, olives, and onions.


Saturday, November 20, 2010

Day 20: A Hobby of Mine

I am a mad hobbyist. J-Bird likes to make a mess.

So far this year, I have picked my own apples and canned them in the form of pie filling, applesauce, and two different kinds of apple jelly. I have crocheted hats and scarves and mittens. I have carefully crafted my apartment complex's most awesome harvest display. I have bought, wrapped, and intricately adorned more baby shower presents than a childless singleton should be asked to manage. I have talked about myself in the third person within (and outside of) this blog.

But the one thing that gets me all tickly in my girl parts is blog stalking. I am a bonafide lurker.

There's nothing more thrilling than peering into someone else's life knowing that you won't be found out unless you want to be. I'm a cyber peeping tom. And I'm looking at you.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Day 19: A Talent of Mine

I have lots of talents ranging from the raunchy (ohn! ohn! ohn!) to the ridiculous (I can do the splits!). But the thing I am best at is research. I can find anything if given enough time.

Just another reason why I'm better than you.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Iiiii Wanna Sexx You Up!

Ed Note: Please do not pretend like you don't know this song or this "band". I never realized how lame I was back then until I looked at this picture and was all, "Ha! These guys are a bunch of douches! LOL". I feel like this guy. Wishing I hadn't just spent my morning watching the ridiculousness that is Color Me Badd videos.

This morning whilst in the shower, I took a look at my gams and was all, "Holy shit I need to shave!". But I didn't. Because I am super awesome. And I want to find a cure against cancer. So, I decided that the best way to do that was to be a part of Movember. Secretly. I'm not like this guy, putting my biz out on the innet (yes, I know and we will get to that later) for the whole world to see and get all judgy about.

If you think that I'm all pissy about my legs being hairy then you don't know me well. I'm upset because my leg hair is patchy. Like high school freshman patchy. There are openly bald spots on my legs. And a wayward follicle that seems to represent a cow lick.

All I could think about was how glad I was that I decided to forgo shaving my legs and not my pits. I'd never get laid if my pits looked like this! But then I remembered that I'm not exactly getting laid anyway. Which only made me more upset. You know what they say. Sex is like air...

So now I'm fantasizing about that time I was hitting the streets every weekend and should have been getting paid for my valiant efforts. Which made me think about my sneaky days when I still lived at home. Which made me think about the time I witnessed my mom having sex. *vuuuuurrrrrpppp*

It's not my fault. It was my boyfriend's fault. I was so young and impressionable. He was older and on the football team. And he was all freaky and wanted to do it in my parent's bedroom. I protested but then he looked at me all melty-eyed and I forgot my own name.

But then we heard the front door slam. And there was so much banging and thrashing about. My parents were home! And we were in their room. So he jumped into the closet and I went about trying to straighten up. He leaned out and grabbed me right as they burst through the door. Undressing. Kissing.

I wanted to scream but my boyfriend put his hand over my mouth and whisper-yelled, "Shut up!". There was much silent crying. The boyfriend was fascinated by mom's agility. I was trying to dig out my eardrums with her stilettos. We both just sat in the closet and waited.

It seemed like it was three years later when they finally let up. And I thank God every day that my step-dad is a dirty whore who doesn't shower and change after sex. But I can never seem to forget that day, not even with intense therapy. Couple that with the time after her divorce when Nat and I walked in on her humping a Mexican and you can see why I take prescription meds.

All that to say, my Mom's a freak. And I was preoccupied with that thought when I went out to pre-heat my car this morning. I was fully clothed sans overcoat but the guy standing by my dumpster had no shirt on and looked like the kind of person that would not have his wireless connection password protected therefore allowing me to pilfer his "innet". He had back boobs, jelly rolls, and... a hump! A bonafide, oh-my-gosh, that-can't-be, am-i-sure, it-so-is-a hump. Right over his tail bone.

Horniness - 0. Trauma - 2.

Oh! My! Gaaawwwwwddddd!!! LOOK AT THIS!

Day 18: My [Dream] Wedding

When I was younger, I was convinced that having a big wedding was necessary. It really was my last opportunity to have a day that belonged to just me. (Prom was a nightmare). The first wedding I planned was going to have more than 300 guests! Should I have gone through with it, we would have stayed married for 2 years tops. The second wedding I planned was just as big. It was going to be loud, sparkly, and all Jersey.

Now that I'm older, I want something more like this:

I long for a small, intimate gathering of just our families. I hope that we'll be able to take them all by surprise while on a small yacht. Maybe we'll tell them it's a party. Maybe we'll tell them it's our wedding. Maybe we'll tell them nothing at all.

I'll be wearing a long, flowing, simple white sundress. He'll be in linen pants and long-sleeved shirt. We'll hold hands on the deck repeating our vows after the ship's captain.

There will be no wedding planner, no flowers, no bridal parties, no seating charts, no fancy decor. Just us. Just love, good food, and a microphone with which I will roast my new husband.
image found HERE And yes, if I do get married, I fully intend to use this couple to capture my day. Their photos are spectacular.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Day 17: A Piece of Art

These oil paintings were my very first acquisitions of art. I love them both. They are original and one-of-a-kind works that I picked up at the Starving Artist Expo a few years back. I'm waiting until I find the perfect frames before I hang them. Until then, they remain wrapped and stored.

Task List Achiever

Look at meeee!

Contrary to what this list would have you believe, I did do some cleaning I just didnt finish. I managed a load of dishes, the tub & shower, and put away my shoes from the living room.

The plan? Finish up some time before Friday. I love [flexible] goals.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Task List

This here is the list of tasks I have made for myself. You might think it silly, but without a list to physically cross things off of nothing gets done.

Yes. I did put some awesome and easily achieved tasks on there.

Yes. Awesome is my middle name.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Day 16: A Song That Makes Me Cry

Katherine Heigl is one lucky bitch.

Just Say The Word - Josh Kelley

I'm holdin' on

To pictures on my telephone

And I know that I should let you go

But it's hard to break away.

I ask around

And I wonder what you're doing now

But I hear that you've been going out

A little more these days.

Well, I can't lie that I think from time to time

How you're doing

But don't hang up cause

What I really meant to say is

Everything's wrong, nothing's going right

Just know that I'm not hard to find.

So just say the word and I'll race to you tonight

And I'll be right there by your side...holding on.

Remember when

We were further than you'd ever been

And I think about it now and then;

It takes me to that place.

When I pretend

That I'm better than I've ever been

Well at least that's what I tell my friends

Cause I can't show my face

Well, I can't lie that I think from time to time

How you're doing.

But don't hang up cause

What I really meant to say

Everything's wrong and nothing's going right

Just know that I'm not hard to find.

So just say the word and I'll race to you tonight

And I'll be right there by your side

It's hard enough to believe in something

More than just pretend.

And just because we both know it's over

We could still be friends.

Everything's wrong and nothing's going right

Just know that I'm not hard to find.

So just say the word and I'll race to you tonight

And I'll be right there by your side

And I'll be right there by your side


Monday, November 15, 2010

Day 15: My Dream House

There's only one house I want. It's the plantation that my family owns... or owned.

It has over 14 rooms, including a ladie's tea room and a gentlemen's cigar room. It's white with pillars and two wrap-around porches. There's an apple orchard to the east.

I'm sorry. I can't talk about it anymore right now.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Day 14: A Non-Fiction Book

Again, I'm using this opportunity to share my favorite book in a particular genre. I almost didn't buy this book. No one seemed to be talking about it. The blogs didn't rave about it. And the cover didn't pull me in. But it was as I was preparing to buy an entirely different book when I read that writer's own blog post that said her book was great but if you really wanted to know about this topic, then read Mikki Morrissette's book.

I followed her advice and am glad that I did. Mikki did all of the same digging for answers that I was attempting to do. And she was kind enough to put it all in one place.

Choosing Single Motherhood - Mikki Morrissette

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Day 13: A Fictional Book

I chose today as the day to post my favorite fictional book. It's the first attempt at Chick Lit by this author who has made her career by writing for teens. I love the story line. I love the characters. I love the heroine's trials. I love the way she overcomes. I love that the ending is in no way typical. I love that she based the career choice and some events off of her own life. I love this book.

Fly Me To the Moon - Alyson Noel.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Day 12: Something I Am OCD About

This one was super easy because there aren't many things that I truly give a damn about. Until something goes wrong (or drives me bat shit crazy), I am all lets-just-go-with-the-flow-and-see-where-it-takes-us. You've seen pics of my apartment. It does not bother me one bit that it's not picked up every day. To pick it up every day would mean that I'd have to: spend less time with friends, spend less time with family, get rid of some of my hobbies and clean. Which is totally not fun and seems completely pointless if you don't have people coming over.

But if you were to open my food cabinets, you would be amazed. I take my canned goods very, very seriously. They are all organized and sorted by:
  • category - proteins on the left, vegetables in the center, and fruits on the right.
  • size - tallest in that category to the left and in the back.
  • contents - there are no more than 2 cans of each kind of product (green beans, peaches, etc.) on the base layer. All matching products get stacked on top of each other, no more than two cans high. This prevents overstock of food and the loss or misplacement of said canned goods.
  • date - the canned goods are resorted each time new product is brought into the apartment. All cans are checked for the expiration date. New products are put on the base layer and old products on the 2nd layer. Sometimes, the contents are rearragned so that I am motivated to eat those products first. This prevents food waste.
  • labels - ALL LABELS ARE TURNED FORWARD AT ALL TIMES. I cannot express this strongly enough. How the hell am I supposed to know what's in the can if the label is turned to the side or, God forbid, to the back of the cabinet?
There is nothing that I take more seriously than my canned goods. Do you want to be unfriended on Facebook? Come over here and mess with my cans.*

* That's what she said.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Day 11: A Recent Photo of Me

I'm gonna be honest. I don't really want to put a recent photo of me up here because no one ever seems to have a camera on the days when I feel foxy! I kinda wanted to put the photo of me and the Scorpio but then I thought that he might not be pleased about being identified on my blog. So you get this photo here. It's from a work function.

I don't remember what song we're dancing to or why we're having so much doggone fun but that's probably because I was liiiiiiiiittttt!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

"The Ride of Their Lives"

I should be an event planner.

No. I should be a wedding planner.

I remember planning two weddings for myself - many, many, many moons ago - but I don't remember it being this much fun!

Nat has made me her unofficial wedding planner. Which is really cool because I have a good feeling for the things she wants. The best part for me so far is the challenge. When we first discussed her theme she said, "Well, peacocks for me and bikes for Mr. T (formerly Big T)". Peacocks and bikes. Just let them settle in. Because the other thing she told me was that she wanted to "keep it organic and natural too". What. The. Hell.

At first, all I could see were peacocks riding bicycles. And it is hard to shake off your initial reaction. But after I really put my mind to it - and googled "bicycle weddings" - I found these:

Magic, isn't it? Especially since we get to personalize the colors.

Now, I know you should start with your budget in mind but that really is for people who are paying for their own wedding. Since my mom and I are funding Nat's big day, we've decided that she gets whatever we can afford at that moment. At one point, we openly discussed her having an $1100 wedding. Heh. The good news is that we can do better than that. The bad news is that we can't do much better than that.

Here's what we know: there will be rich colors, there will be much thrifting, there will be much DIY, and there will be goo gobs of fabric. Goo gobs. In these wonderful colors. (Eggplant, Indigo, Bronze, Emerald)

And even though we haven't put together an official inspiration board, we have come up with a lot of solid ideas that will make it into the wedding. We are definitely going with these cute little guys as favors.

And we're going with short vases. If I can't find colored glass than they will be wrapped in colored paper/fabric. The girls will all wear fabric flowers on their headbands. Mr. T is wearing grey slacks and vest, no jacket with his sleeves rolled up and a hat; his tie will match her shoes. Ashton will be dressed just like his dad. The bride and groom will ride away on their bicycles and we're passing up the" Just Married" sign for individual "Mr. K" and "Mrs. K" signs.

We're having Keds dyed to match her shoes (CBS111 - you save my life everyday). And there will be a banner that says "The Ride of Their Lives". I haven't yet decided where it would best be placed. I'm not even considering the altar. Although, that's totally up to Nat.

So that's it. That's where we are with approximately 200 days to go. 

Day 10: A Photo of Me Taken Over 10 Years Ago

This photo was taken 10 years and 7 months ago. I totally had to scam it off of a friend's Facebook page.

P. S. - that's me on the left.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Day 9: A Photo I Took

This was taken on Ashton's first trip to the apple farm. As you can see, he's making his best effort to not be in the photo at all.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Day 8: A Photo That Makes Me Sad or Angry

Imagine this:

You're out in the middle of a field. You have no idea where you are or why you've been brought here. Inside, you're hoping praying that someone will find you and save you. Even though you have no idea what's about to happen, you can feel in your soul that it's not right.

The car door swings open and you are pulled from inside. All around you is black. You think to yourself how fitting the night is. Evil always hides under cover of darkness.

Someone is holding you by the back of your neck. You struggle but you can't get away. And then, they do it. They slide the noose over your head and dangle you for all to see.

This is a description of a picture so horrendous, so disturbing that I refuse to put it on my blog. But please believe that this picture does exist. It is of two teenage boys of non-caucasian decent, flipping off the camera while dangling a small Japanese Shin from a noose. There was a campaign to find them and bring them to justice. Unfortunately, I can't tell you if that ever happened.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Day 6: 20 of My Favorite Things

This one took some thought but once I got into it, I had a hard time narrowing it down to just twenty. So, I decided first to take out the X-rated ones and anything relating to my vagina. Then, I removed all the things that I only kinda like. So, finally I was left with the twenty things that I think best describe my fantastic tastes. Here there are, in no particular order:

  1. puppy kisses
  2. small dogs
  3. Snickers bars
  4. pedicures
  5. spa days
  6. scalp massages
  7. new shoes
  8. a clean house
  9. Greek food
  10. traveling to new places
  11. fresh flowers
  12. the beach
  13. the color turquoise
  14. sundresses
  15. sandals
  16. red wine
  17. gentle kisses
  18. being held
  19. being reassured
  20. being loved
Now that you know what my favorite things are, I fully expect you to take some initiative and figure out what you're gifting me this year. Stat!

Friday, November 5, 2010

Day 5: My Favorite Quote

I once dated a very tall, very handsome, very indecisive Irish man. While I dated him, I became engrossed in and completely enamored with Celtic culture. They have some of the sweetest stories, tallest tales, and weirdest sayings but they also have the lovliest prayers. I fell in love with this one. 

May the road rise to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
The sun shine warm upon your face
The rain fall soft upon your fields
And until we meet again
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.

And my second favorite, is a quote that warns against regret,
"Never regret anything in life, because at one time it was exactly what you wanted".

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Day 4: My Favorite Books

I <3 books in a way that only a fellow reader could understand.

I remember the day that I read each Harry Potter book. It was always a Friday because I would sit down on the floor with a sandwich, a bag of chips, a sleeve of Oreos and a 2 liter beverage and read. I would read for hours and hours and hours. Never pausing, never breaking. Everyone in the house knew to leave me well enough alone because no one puts J-Bird's reading in the corner.

But my favorite books? That's a post for another day. So I'll leave you with one book from each of my favorite genres.

Stupid and Contagious by Caprice Crane - Chick Lit
 This book is cute and funny and very well written. It has wonderful characters and is a light read that I think anyone can enjoy.

The Ex-Boyfriend Club by some writer whose name I don't remember - Harlequin Romance
 You know why... *waggles eyebrows*

Choosing You by Alexandra Soiseth - Memoir
 It's the story of one woman's path from self-destruction to self-acceptance and finally to motherhood.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Day 3: My Favorite TV Show

I watch a lot of regular (read: free) tv because I cannot make myself believe that cable is worth the expense. Over the years, I have become attached to some fantastic shows but these three made the grade as favorites throughout my life.

As a kid: Step By Step

Forever and Ever!: Arrested Development

Currently on TV: 30 Rock. Please, please, if you've never seen this show, find a place (Hulu) to watch this episode.

You can see that as I grew so did my taste for snark, cynicism, and great comedic timing. That and I hate laugh tracks. If it's funny I will laugh. I don't need a queue.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Day 2: My Favorite Movie

The movie that will make me stop in my tracks to sit down and watch it regardless of which part of the film it happens to be in is Gone With the Wind.

I love Miss Scarlet. I love Tara. I love the way Rhett does everything in his power to save Tara to make Miss Scarlet love him. I love the way she doesn't love him until he slams the door in her face. You can't buy that kind of crazy.

But it's not my favorite movie.

My all-time, hands-down, say-what!?!, favorite film is:
This is before Elizabeth's 8th marriage, Paul's famous dressing and when Burl did more than sing Christmas songs.

This movie epitomizes all the things I've ever loved about the south. Sometimes, I think that Yankee women have forgotten how strong you have to be to keep quiet and pretend like everything's ok.

If you've never seen it, well first, shame on you! Second, go see it. Now. Stop reading this and make way!

Cat On a Hot Tin Roof is a story about love, shame, jealousy and family secrets. And a loud mouth sister-in-law that needs to pop that baby out so you can hit her in her mouth.

Monday, November 1, 2010

My Turn To Meme! -- Day 1: My Favorite Song

I don't normally follow trends...

BAHAHAHHAHHAAA!! I drink trends like water. I have filled out more of those "Year 20XX About Me" surveys than I would care to admit to. So this is me, following another trend, and totally taking the easy way out of blogging every day.

I'm thinking this will give me that much needed brain break I've been hoping for.

Day 1: My Favorite Song

The Way You Look Tonight - Fred Astaire

Most people don't know that this song is actually in a movie and was first sung from Fred Astaire to Ginger Rogers. I know that because when I was 8 I became obsessed with all things Ginger Rogers. She's the reason I became a dancer.

But when I hear this song in what ever form, being performed by which ever artist, I can't help but bask in the glow of love that the writer must have been in when putting pen to paper. Read on...

Someday, when I'm awfully low
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight.

Yes, you're lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me, but to love you,
And the way you look tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows
Tearing my fear apart.
And that smile that wrinkles your nose,
Touches my foolish heart.

Lovely, never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won't you please arrange it?
'Cause I love you.
Just the way you look tonight.

Just the way you look... tonight.

P.S. - I picked this up from CBS111 who has yet to pick a blog name but we won't judge because we're good people. And you can't get snarky with the person you stole from because then they might come over to your desk and tell you that you are no longer even despite the fact that you took off your shirt so she could win $100,000 in fake cash money. Just sayin'.

Friday, October 29, 2010

A Tale of Two Suitors

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

No, really. I was seeing two guys at once. I know that I never really told you that I was seeing/talking to either one of them, but I did allude to them on Tuesday. Here's what happened. S is someone I've known for four years now. And there were no fireworks when we met. He was going through some tough times having lost his job and subsequently his home. I showed him I was interested but could never be there for what was most important to him. Band gigs. He's the bass player and lead singer in his band and I always said I would be there but never actually made it. Another girl stepped in and they were together until mid-September this year. I saw my second chance and wasted (almost) no time taking it...

M is someone that I met when my sister worked at the local Italian restaurant chain. He's a server there. He was always the center of scandal because no one knew for sure if he and his gf really were broken up. I mean, they were still living together! He said it was because of their infant son. Well, that infant is a preschooler now and what's worst is that M is not the father. Four years he took care of that little boy; four years he was lied to. I've always found M attractive and when he friend requested me on Facebook, he got the OK simply because I think he's hot. His birthday is in July and I made sure to wish him a hearty Facebook Happy Birthday. In return, he private messaged me...

When S first revealed that things fell apart with his ex, I offered to listen and he took me up on that offer. I thought that maybe he wasn't really ready to start over. But then, like before, he started to send me song lyrics (that make no damn sense!) and he asked me to a real dinner date. I went and it didn't feel date-y. It felt like two people who had drifted apart trying to find out who the other person is. Like we were a distant married couple or something. I don't claim to know a lot about relationships and love but that just didn't feel "right". So, I stopped paying him so much attention. AND he totally picks the Browns over the Bengals. I just don't know if we can ever get past that. Don't judge me. Football = my religion...

M and I talked through private message until I got bored, so, maybe an hour? Then he disappeared. I didn't think anything of it. It's not like he belonged to me; he's not a toy. But right when I started packing to move, he began texting me. At first, it was all at night. In the middle of the night. Which all girls know is a bad sign. You cannot allow it because then they will put you in the "ho" category and I've already spent more time there than I care to admit. He finally picked up the phone and called me and asked me to "hang out". I told him that I couldn't but we could grab a quick bite by my new place if he was willing to drive. He was so we did. It was awesome. The way it's supposed to feel. I was all fluttery and he was super attentive. And then I thought, "Am I being played?". Because I honestly don't have time in my life for games and distractions...

That's why on Tuesday morning I sent them a mass text that said that I just didn't think we had chemistry but I love being with them as friends. S has not responded. M responded last night. He wants to talk. He misses me. I have so much going on in my head that I've pretty much shut down in every avenue of my life. To work this whole guy situation out, I had to make a list.

Education: M wins - he is working at night to pay his way through school.
Profession: tie - M is a server and S is a transport tech in a hospital, neither is really a profession.
Facial Hair: M wins - he has a short beard! Yum! S has peach fuzz on his lip that I think is a moustache.
Body: M wins - he has a runner's body but S has a cuddly teaddy bear type body.
Height: M wins - he's an even 6 feet and 2" taller than S.
Kids: tie - neither has any.
Personality: M. wins. hands. down. - he's so vibrant and outgoing. S is sooooo sensitive and "good". One of my friends gets all dreamy eyed when I tell her about him because that's exactly how she wants her sons to be. I feel so bad that he loses here because he is, quite literally, a mother's dream for her daughter.
Parent Readiness: this is less about him wanting to be a father and more about whether or not I'd feel confident about letting him meet my parents - S wins.
Just Gets Me: M wins - he's most like me. I can be myself 1000% around him. With S I feel like I have to be careful what I say because he'll take it wrong.

You see how M wins? Right. This confuses me because he wins in all the areas that don't really matter for reasons that don't matter. I can't close my eyes and see me spending the rest of my life (or the rest of the week) with him. It's just that S reminds me of my father. He's so passive and I already know that I won't survive a relationship with someone like that.

If I could take M's good looks, personality, outgoing nature, and ambition and pair them with S's (<-- does that look right?) sweetness, artistic creativity, and total parent meeting preparedness, I'd be getting hitched!

P.S. - 212 days and Nat's focused on the music that she wants played. I had to be all, "Do you not like Michael Buble'?" and she was all, "I forgot". How do you forget Michael Buble'? Oh, Nat. So silly.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Weddings Are Joyous and Not Cheap

Nat is getting married. To a man that was absolutely made for her. He is strong, caring, and needs to be needed. She couldn't have found someone better to be matched with... unless this "other guy" ended up being less *pause* *pause* *blink, blink* thrifty.

Awww hell! Big T is just cheap! He's so cheap! He's the kind that will go to the bar with his friends for a beer and then go to the food bank for a loaf of bread. If I have to hear him go on about how broke they are, I might evaluate their income to debt ratio myself just to ease my own mind. This is a man that doesn't drive a car at all.

Which is putting a lot of restraints on Nat's planning. Instead of having it at Mom's like she wanted, they are having to rent a venue downtown because its close to where they and all of his non-car-driving friends live. Venues cost money. She wants to use her iPod for the reception but he has a "friend" in a band. Nat said that having the band for an hour or two and then using the iPod would work for her (she hates song renditions) but now he says that he has a "buddy" who's a DJ and will "do it for cheap". Now, I don't know about you but I did the math and have determined that his friend's band and his DJ buddy will cost more than the iPod that they already own seeing as how it doesn't require a meal or a paycheck.

I know that it's normal for guys to not want to be too involved in the planning process but Big T seems to be dragging Nat to the brink. Last night when she called, I picked up the phone to, "THIS SON OF A BITCH!". It seems that the only thing that Big T really wants to know is "when [her] next day off is so [they] can just be married already". If you're married and you planned your own wedding, you know that this statement is not OK.

After they had the heartfelt discussion about how this was not going to be a shot gun wedding and she is not going to the courthouse so he should shut up about the wedding planning if he wasn't going to be supportive, he offered to have his mom cater. Nat must have been super angry because her reply (at least in her retelling) was, "Hell no! Four mason jars of "spag 09" is more than enough catering from her!" I can't tell you how Big T felt about that because I wasn't there. But I can tell you I laughed for the longest time.

I'm hoping that things work out. Nat has worked hard at picking a theme and colors, now we just need to figure out how to make it all work together. 214 days is enough time to get flowers, food, and invitations, right?

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

So Glad To Be Back

I used to enjoy Sales Meetings but now they are just something else on the long list of things that I have  to do. I learned a lot. I wrote a lot. I avoided talking to the vendors a lot. And now I have a lot of stuff to do to catch up.

Why does my whole life feel like a waste of time right now?

In other, more exciting new. I got to spend all day Sunday with my nephew. Oh! By the way, Nat is getting married! I wrote an entire Chuck Norris joke post and then forgot to schedule it so you have that to look forward to. We went apple picking last weekend and are going again this weekend. My oven is 200 degrees hotter than advertised. My freezer is leaking into my refrigerator. And the dog and I are both gaining weight.

I am in the midst of another major financial setback and so my car will go without repair again. I don't hate money. I hate the thousands of dollars that I have wasted over the course of my life. This setback is just more waste.

More to the positive... I cut both boys loose. It was just too much stress. I won two sales awards when I wasn't expecting any and I don't have to be a bridesmaid. Look at this face! He's such a ham, but I guess that happens when your father is a photographer and you're the only grandchild.
Ashton, my nephew

That's it. That's all my randomness for now. As soon as I dig myself out of my extensive To-Do Lists, I will be back here posting regularly. Until then, I leave you with this quote from my boss:
" Your scheduled start time for Work is 8am. Clocking in before this time is not allowed unless approved by Your Manager... You need to clock in no earlier than 5 minutes before your scheduled start time."

Yay for Tuesdays!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Something Old - Snakes With No Name

Lately, I've been spending a ton of time at home doing all sorts of homemaker-y things like crocheting winter hats and scarves, making applesauce, canning said applesauce, and planning my garden. The level of time I've spent away from other people is intense. This makes for what can be considered a boring life. At least there's nothing going on for me to write about. Which unfortunately gives me tons of time to reflect on the way I used to live all raucous, drinky and pukey. Aaahhh... good memories.

Anyway, on the drive in to work this morning, I remembered a story from my college days...

***************** fairy tale music and pixie dust ***************************

It was the spring of 2002 and Spring Quarter was in full swing. It felt so good to be wearing open-toed shoes and no coat! I had been drinking since my last class ended at 4:30p and it was now bedtime for reasonable people. I won't deny that I was schwasted and probably couldn't have gotten myself home if I wanted to but I was cognizant enough to know what I was afraid of: truckers, bugs, my stalker, and snakes. Definitely snakes.

We, my roommate and I, were at a house party in some dude's apartment. I can't tell you who invited me because that was never important. I've always been that person that will accept every invitation and make a solid effort to attend all events because you never, ever want to be forgotten. (It's hard to get back into circles that you've pulled yourself out of.)

She was off playing beer pong with the last few guys that were still there. Most people had hooked up and dipped out. I had no plans to hook up with anyone but she wasn't ready to go yet. She didn't get out much and didn't often get hit on so she would take full advantage of my shenanigans.

I was obviously drunk and was standing in the front room looking at an aquarium with no water trying to find the fish when a deep voice asked me what I was doing. I spun drunkenly and fell into him. He was so cute or I was that drunk. He caught me and said,

Nick: I'm Nick.
Me: I'm J-Bird.
Nick: What are you doing?
Me: There are no fish! *exaggerated arm movements*
Nick: Yeah, it's a terrarium.
Me: A-whuuuuuuttt? *squinty-eyed and scrunchy-faced*
Nick: It's not for fish. It's for turtles and stuff.
Me: Pssshhh. How would you know?
Nick: It's mine.
Me: Whuuuuuuutttt? *excited-faced and way too happy*
Nick: Yeah, see? There he is.
Me: Mmmmmmm. *swaying and trying to stoop*
Nick: I've got a snake too.
Me: Ew-ah! I hate snakes.
Nick: You'll like this one.
Me: No.
Nick: Come on, it doesn't bite.
Me: Where is it? I don't see it. *still stooping and squinting into the terrarium*
Nick: It's upstairs.
Me: Oh! No!
Nick: Come on. I won't let it get you.
Me: Nooooo!!!! Roommate! ROOMMATE! *stagger running*
Nick: Where are you going?
Me: *grabbing roommate and ready to cry* Roommate! We. Have. To. Go! WE HAVE TO GO!
Roommate: What's wrong?
Me: He has a snake! *hyperventilating* He. *breath, breath* Nick. *breath, breath* He. Has. A. SNAKE!
Roommate: *laughing* I don't think he really has a snake.
Me: Yes! He said! He has a snake. It's upstairs. *breath, breath* He tried to get me to go see it. *doubled over* Oh, God! Oh, God! I can't be here. I can't be here with snakes!
Roommate: Are you going to be ok?
Me: Oh, God! *awesome display of vomit*
Roommate: Wow.

The next day, Roommate was kind enough to recall the previous night's events and assured me that Nick didn't have a real snake. "Boys in college", she said, "sometimes refer to their penis as their 'snake'. I think that guy wanted to sleep with you. But don't worry, he's not gonna call you or anything".

********************fairy tale music brings us back *******************

And that is how my fear of snakes kept me from getting an STD.
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