Monday, August 30, 2010

Failed Ambition

I think I might have been overzealous in wanting the whole place to be packed AND moved by Saturday morning. I can be packed. But moved? I'm so effing exhausted that the idea of trekking up and down those stairs with boxes makes me want to weep.
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The Enemy of My Enemy Is... My Mother?

Lately, my mom has been suuuuuuper nice to me. And not just, "Oh! You look lovely today" nice but "Here, I'll buy it" nice. Yesterday, we went to the local discount store and I decided that I was going to do the grown-up thing and buy area rugs for my new place. I found some that are simple and modern with just an organized splash of color. For the 3 rugs they wanted $80. That just was not in the budget. I put the 2 small ones down and prayed that no one would buy them in the next two week, when mom took the big $50 rug from me and offered to buy it if I would buy the other two. I'm getting misty just thinking about it.

Just 24 hours previous, she gave me 1/3 of this.

                                        I won't need to shop for a month.

This is something that I am very unaccustomed (and seemingly uncomfortable with). I've been an after thought for Nat's whole life. Because she's such a drama queen, everyone always wondered how she is, what she's doing and what we'll have to fix now. Her life choices right now are evidence of what I've been saying for 3 years: she is selfish, entitled, and lazy.

When the crap hit the fan 10 months ago, everyone was on her side. I didn't understand her and what she was going through. I was judging her unfairly. Why couldn't I see that she's not as strong as I am and would need some help along the way.

And then "this" happened. "This" is when she quit her job without having another one, didn't look for a new apartment before her lease ran out, didn't make plans to take her dog from my care, refused to take the Civil Service Exam, rejected the idea of living within or below her means, and let it slip that she squandered the money that mom gave her to pay off her car... in the last 4 weeks. Did I mention that she brought her new boyfriend into Mom's house twice before mom had ever laid eyes on him? Or that she claims to be in love and that he's the one, yet they've been together for a month? Should I tell you that she spends every free moment with him and none of them seeking gainful employment or a roof over her head? There's also the fact that she's leaving one minimum wage job to take another because of the perceived "upward mobility" when she told Mom that she'd be working them both. What is a Senior Key Holder anyway?

Romans 12:19 never felt so good.

I don't mean this is a hateful way. I love my sister and I love my family. I am exploding with love for them all but I have been exasperated with the foolishness that they allowed to persist. Quite frankly, it's about time that Nat was forced to sustain herself. This past July marked 4 years since she walked out on the job I got for her here where I work. It'll be 3 years ago this Christmas that she came home for the holidays and never left. Mom has finally finished paying the settlement from her eviction. October 23rd will mark one year ago that I gave her the ultimatum to get her finances in order or get out; she chose to leave.

I sat down with my Mom two weeks ago Wednesday. We were having dinner at this new Mexican place by her. We realized that there are things that we want and need to do for ourselves. I refuse to live paycheck to paycheck anymore. I will have substantial savings. I will start preparing financially for my future and the future of my family now. Mom is almost 50. April and Rebecca still have to go to college. There are another 12 years left on her mortgage. There's no margin of error for our plans... and no Natalie in our budgets.

Friday, August 27, 2010

No Means No In At Least Six Languages

Three times!


Whoot! Whoot! All aboard the Crazy Train! First Stop: 6 hour courtship!

See, it happened like this...

********** flashback music and fairytale dust **********

Rollback: I'm glad that I could change your mind.

Me: Excuse me?

Rollback: I'm sure that now that you know the facts you understand.

Me: No.

Rollback: What?

Me: You didn't change my mind. I respect your position but I am steadfast in my beliefs. It upsets me that your only goal was to change my mind about what I believe.

Rollback: But I gave you the facts!

Me: And?

Rollback: Aww, well.

*** pause ***

*** pause, pause ***

Rollback(Cue sickly sweet, more disturbing than romantic voice): I guess now that we've had our serious conversation we should just get married. (cue horror movie scream)

Me: Excuse me? (I say that a lot when I'm at a loss for words)

Rollback: We should just get married.

Me: No.

Rollback: Yeah. We should just get married.

Me: Ummm... well. I know I should be flattered but I'm not. This has to be the shortest courtship in the history of proposals. So, no.

********** back to life... back to reality... **********

You would think that this would be the only [three] time(s) he proposed, but if it were then I wouldn't have grounds for legitimately thinking he's got a half dozen screws loose.

Every day he would call me at the most ridiculous hours. 9:30 am, 2:30 pm. I know that it shouldn't seem like this is a stupid idea but I work the normal 9 - 5 and I told him this. His calling me during business hours is blatant disrespect for my effort to pay my own bills. And it proves that he never, ever listened to me. Not once.

The next night he called was a Wednesday. I was sitting with my mom in her kitchen talking about him (believe it or not) and just how ludicrous his theories are. When I told him that I couldn't talk because I was having dinner with my mom, his response was, "So, you live with your mother?". Umm, no! How can that be your natural assumption? Finally, I told him that we were on our way out to church and to not call me because I would call him. Actually, I went out with Averi and Staci that night. Regardless, at the end of that 14 minute phone call, he asked me to marry him again. The answer was still no.

The rest of the week passed with me ignoring his calls because I didn't have the emotional strength to go forward with what would inevitably be equivalent to me talking to a wall or arguing with Pat Robinson... pointless. I finally answered him again on Saturday but only on the second attempt because the first time he called me at SEVEN O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING! Who, in their right mind, calls anyone before 9 am on any given day? Who, I ask you! Granted, I was already on the phone because I have a standing 7:30 am phone date with my daddy every Saturday but his call was still unwelcome.

When we talked it was only briefly. I told him twice that I was going to be busy that day and just picked up out of curiosity. He wasn't listening. He kept rambling on. So, I finally set the phone down, walked away, and got in the shower. When I came out, I had missed 3 calls. *gives you the face of someone who doesn't care*

I lost my phone that night and didn't get a replacement until Tuesday. He called and, like a fool, I answered. He said he thought I'd changed my number on him. I only wish I had. I kept that conversation short using family dinner and my busy schedule on deck as my excuses. The next day we went to Cedar Point and he called me three times, even though I told him that I was busy with family. Three times! and when I told Mom all she managed to do was berate me for not having dismissed him yet. (Although, she thoroughly disapproved of my phone "incident").

Thursday came and he called like I knew he would. It had been a long day but a successful one. I had just come from signing my new lease and was on an adrenaline high. I was going to take charge of that conversation and for the first time in a week, he was going to listen to me. I talked about Nat and my worries for her. I talked about my new place and how quaint it is. I talked about my car and about how it needs work. I talked about my finances and how I'm on a track toward financial freedom. I talked for 12 minutes. Just twelve. And I continued to change the topic because every time I took a breath he would interject.

With Nat, he could only hope that "she don't get hooked up with no nigga and get preehhgnent". My new place couldn't be as nice as his house in Atlanta and I could "live [there] instead if I was willing to relocate". My car could be fixed by the guy he knows and he'd pay for it if we got married. He's been saving for years! He is an avid advocate of saving your money and that's why we should just get "meehhreed". If we got married then he would take care of all of that stuff for me and I'd never have to worry again. Because when he gets married this time, it's gonna be forever; he's never getting divorced again. They'll be together until they die.

Let me tell you something about Sag Girls:
Now, for all my Sag sisters out there who got roped down, you know that the statements above still ring true. It's just your love was smart enough to be strong but kind, firm but lenient, and  to let you miss him.

And for the ones that came before your love? They got dismissed... just like Rollback. Only he didn't take it well...

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

3, 2, 1... 1, 2, 3... What the Eff Is Wrong With Me?

I should not be feeling like this.

Overall, the pieces of my life are genuinely and honestly falling into place. Some by mere chance and others by a stroke of dumb luck. But as I sit here and write this, I have two major bills that apparently went unpaid. No, I can't tell you how that happened. And no, I don't have the money to pay them - either of them.

I'm not sure how it happened but I let a major piece of my life - my finances - get by me. I mean, usually when something goes unpaid it it entirely on purpose and the creditor is made well aware that they shan't receive payment this go round. Ah, well. What can I do except keep on trudging forward?

In other news, I have gone bat shit crazy. I actually said to someone (out loud mind you) that I would "stomp a hole in his face and piss in it". "He" is my boss.

Now, he knows how to pluck my strings. It's like he looks for new ways to make me create new methods of torture. He is the tiny drip from your faucet that you ignore until you realize that the stopper has been in the tub and now your whole bathroom is in your downstairs neighbor's apartment.

I've gone so far overboard that I managed to condescend to my dentist's receptionist. (But seriously, how many times do I have to say that I'm not coming in until October?)

I tried talking to my Grammy about it; she knows how to make things better. But all that did was make me miss her. And I'll tell you what else it did. It almost almost! brought on the slightest tear because I really just wanted to be with her.

And I get to meet Nat's new boyfriend tonight. Is it wrong that I don't give a damn? Not because I think he'll be a worthless no-good but because I really feel like she should be focusing on getting a goddamn apartment! She is homeless and I'm pretty sure that it has yet to occur to her that the kindness of strangers dries up before that of family.

All in all, I think I'm on the verge of firing myself from my own damn life. For all the things that are going right, I seem to be sabotaging myself in another area. So, instead of setting things on fire or smashing them with baseball bats, I'm going to go to McDonald's, get an ice cream cone, and go see April's first cheerleading game.

If I'm not back again this time tomorrow, send a search party to my house.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Bigotry: A Phone Date or Why Black People Shouldn't Play In the Snow

I called him back a few minutes after 10p. This was before I knew he was crazy and bigoted so you can stop judging me.

The conversation started off simple enough. He talked like we were in high school. Like he really wanted to know me.

Rollback: "What's your favorite color?"
Me: "Teal."
Rollback: "What?"
Me: "Teal."
Rollback: "Huh?"
Me: "Blue."
Rollback: "Oh, OK."

See? He's well beneath me. And I know what you're thinking. "Gosh, she thinks highly of herself!" but he really isn't worth the pages in the history of my life that he is currently taking up. When he asked if I like amusement parks and I told him yes, he gave me the run down on why he doesn't like rides. No matter that I like rides because there's only one reason to go to Six Flags (God forbid he go to another amusement park) and that's funnel cake. I am a funnel cake purist. I like it with powdered sugar. He told me how he likes to pile his high with ice cream, strawberries and whipped cream. And then when we go to Six Flags that's how he's going to get my funnel cake so I can try it because once I try it I won't go back. I'm sure I told him twice that I won't eat it because it's too much. But he couldn't hear me over his constant exclamation of how that's "ALL I KNOW!".

Funny thought here. Can you learn something new if you won't shut your mouth long enough to hear it?
All that aside, he finally asked me a burning question. Do I date white guys? I told him I date all sorts of men. I really don't care how "he" comes along as long as he comes in a suit! I explained that my last real relationship was two years ago with an Australian (my gaaawwwddd did I love him. His eyes, his accent, his tongue, his hands, the magic he worked with the latter two. Yeah. You know what I'm saying *eyebrow waggle* Right? Right? Yeeeeeaaaaahhhh.)

Can I say that my response didn't go over well? You know what? I can't. Because that would be the greatest understatement in the history of the world! He LOVES his black people! How could I want to mix myself with men whose nature it is to dominate? How could I want to desecrate our heritage by blending with them? He would NEVER "play in the snow"! He loves his black people.

He hates white men because they view black women as exotic. "Animals are exotic!"

Did you know that my parents would never date outside their own race? Funny, because I didn't. My dad's new girlfriend is Italian. And my mom's husband is half Irish. When I told him that, his response was... wait for it... you're gonna love this... "I don't believe you. You're lying. My generation would never have that much disrespect for our people". (I know, right!)

Did you know that there was a black stock market but the white man burned it down? No, you didn't, liar! But now that I know the only question I ask is, "Why didn't they rebuild?". You can burn a building but not an idea.

Did you know that the most dangerous race are white people? (Lumped together, of course. Wouldn't want to allow a massive group of people to be defined by their ancestors individual countries of origin) Why? Well, I'm glad you asked. (Queue deep thinking voice of revelation) You see Nate (his one white friend), told him that blacks walk around with guns and knives to kill each other. But if a white man wanted to all he would have to do is create a biological weapon that would wipe out a whole country.

And you know what? That got him thinking about how dangerous white people are. You wanna know what else? It got me thinking about how ridiculously stupid he is. I asked him why a black man could invent the lottery, the stop light and open heart surgery but not biological weapons. Did he not see that he was pigeon holing his own people? My bad! I wasn't aware that black people don't have that much hatred in them. Except for that one time they sold each other to white men to be slaves, but other than that...

After being told that it was my duty, as someone who got out of the ghetto (let me interject here and say that I was never in the ghetto. I don't know what it's like. I lived in the same suburb as JC Chasez. But Rollback doesn't know that because he doesn't listen.) to come back to the hood and give a helping hand to those are still lost in the system. What The Fuck! Negro, please! I don't have it in me to give hand outs. But according to him that's just wrong. How can I not give a hand?

I was told that black people hold 5% of America's wealth and that if we would all just go back then we could rebuild this country and stop the corruption. I was adamant that I'm not going to Africa! There's nothing there for me. My inheritance is here, in America. I'm a fourth generation American. He's so concerned with "them" testing my DNA and classifying me as an African-American and I made it clear that I don't care what other people think of me or how they choose to classify me. The truth is that I'm part Dutch, part Native American and yes, part African American. But I choose to represent myself without the hyphen. The hyphen indicates that I hail from there and am able to possess dual citizenship. The hyphen would insinuate that America is not my chosen home. But it is. I am an American. He? Is not OK with that statement.

I asked him what his plans were for his life. How he presumed to take action since he knows exactly what needs to be done. He is going to record an album and bounce between New York and Los Angeles all next year. He's waiting on God to call him to preach and lead a congregation. He's going to expose Creflo Dollar and all other preachers who teach prosperity. What ever woman chooses to spend her life with him will have to be there through death because he knows that "they" are going to kill him when he begins to expose "them".

Finally, about an hour later when I was done listening to him go on incessantly with his nonsense. When I had had enough of being told what the truth is because he read it in a book so it's a fact. When I'd grown silent because I didn't desire to express my views knowing they would be discounted. After I told him that I respected his opinions and was interrupted and told again that they are facts and he has the books to prove it. As I reached the place where nothing he said actually sank in. When he was sure that he had managed to change my mind (and I told him that I was steadfast in my beliefs and our differing opinions would have to coexist [then I had to explain that the statement means we will just agree to disagree]).

That's when he asked me to marry him...

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Beginning to Pack

Today is bittersweet.

As you can see, I am finally beginning to pack to make the transition to a new apartment. P.S. - my dog is going with me! I found a quaint little place on the other side of town that is more than affordable.

Finding this apartment was the hardest thing I've done all month. Anytime I went to look at a place here in this city, I wanted to kick Palmer in the balls. That bastard ass son of a bitch. Whew! Glad I finally got that out.

Here are the details of my new place. It's single story which means no more schlepping 22 bags of groceries up 14 stairs. I get my own patio for maxing, relaxing, and summertime drinking. I get attic storage for all the stuff I'm going to start buying to decorate the way I like. It has built-in bookshelves so I can postpone buying a new entertainment center. And its the 1st place in 6 years to not have a dishwasher. (I'm still trying to be ok with that.)

Of course, I will bring you pics of the new place. I'm too excited not to.

I've used half of my boxes and I haven't started the kitchen, bathrooms, or bedroom. I'm thinking that I'll just cart the clothes over loose. And now that all my DVDs are boxed, there's absolutely nothing to watch on T.V.

I know that living in this new place will make my life easier. And Sag girls like things easy because we don't handle stress, details, boredom, or intense commitment well. Living paycheck to paycheck brings all four of these nightmares at once; making us seriously angry bitches.

So three cheers for my friends who have put up with me being less than my fun-loving, uber-entertaining, go-getting Sag self. I know you miss me and my fiasco-filled stories. Now that my emotional load has been lightened and my purse strings untightened, I can bring you so much excitement.

T minus 13 days!
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Friday, August 20, 2010

All At Once

It seems that everyone in my life is at a crossroads right now. That includes the uber-responsible types, the whiny types, and the I-can-do-this-on-my-own-except-I-need-your-help types. The problem with that is simply that there's no place to hide from the general "funk" of it all.

I don't want to call it depression because that's not it. And saying that we're overwhelmed just doesn't feel right. We all get up everyday and do what has to be done without fail. But none of us can remember the last time we did what we wanted to do without worry. And that's what I presume to say is the real issue.

Some want puppies, some more money, I want a life partner and others a baby. Can you see what I mean? We all want something. That one thing we don't have.

My house stays put together except for the dog hair that sits. on. everything. I would love to have the pitter-patter of little feet to quell (bringing the vocab back!) the silence. Or even just someone to cook for. And I could definitely imagine living without a dog. Primarily because I never have before.

One friend would be happy if just one other person somewhere would take charge of something so that she didn't have to. She's not even being picky about it. She'd just like the expectation and reliance on her to do everything to be taken away.

Some simply want everything right now, just so they can want something new. We're all staring out of the windows of our soul begging for the slightest change, for one thing to go right so that we can move forward again. The pain of being at an emotional stand still is unnerving.

You know that you should push forward and do all of the things you've done before. But as my brother likes to ask, "How's that working for you?". Let me ask you something, Bloggies. When what you're doing isn't working, do you just do nothing at all?

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Cedar Point

Yesterday, I took a mental vacation... to Cedar Point! Whoot! (insert photo of entrance gate that I forgot to take).

The day started off simple enough. We were running late. Me by just 12 minutes but when you're wrangling three kids, 12 minutes easily turns into 86 and thus we hit the road when theoretically we should have been half way there. A quick breakfast stop at Burger King resulted in Mom offending the cashier,

Uppity Mom voice: "What township are we in?"
Cashier: "You're in the city of B-ville."

3 little people taking four days to try to pee, 2 cups of coffee for Mom (one with a gnat on the inside of the lid), and more hashbrowns than a 5-lb bag of potatoes could make.

Once on the road again, the boredom set in for the Three Musketeers:

Ms. Gotoh


But we made it there without incident; you can't ask for more than that.

At first, there would be no riding of anything that contained:

  1. heights
  2. upside-down
  3. loop-dee-loops
  4. or dangling feet

I was exhausted with urging them to get on something so I ran to the Wicked Twister and boy was it worth it! After seeing me have so much fun (and nearly lose my weave) they decided to try the Troika. From there they were hooked.

By the time the sun began to set, Mom and I were simply there to hold their stuff while they rode everything they were tall enough to get on. We had to impose a rule that they could only get on each ride three times before we would move on to something new. It was fun to watch them grow in courage. Because when I tried to convince them to get on this

I was rebuffed with how "babyish" that ride was. It only goes 2 miles an hour, for goodness sake!

To end the day, we all had these Big Ol' Sno Cones

(Mom will kill me for posting this, but it's too funny not to!)

and mine ended up in a cup.

All in all, I wouldn't have traded yesterday for all the money in the world.

My advice to all of you thrill seekers:

Saturdays are for suckers; Wednesday is where its at!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

I'd Pay That To See You Behind Bars

Normally, I like to speak about all of the things that I am rather than what I'm not. Tonight will be no different.

Let me start by saying that I lost my phone during a series of shananigans on Saturday night. I spent the better part of Sunday re-tracing my steps, calling my phone, trying to locate it. Finally, yesterday, I reported it lost and filed to get a replacement from the insurance company. It arrived today.

Less than 2 hours ago, I received a phone call from Saturday's cabbie. He has my original phone. He told me that I could meet him somewhere and that I would have to pay my cab fare at that time.

I reminded him that he took and ran my credit card for the fare. He tried to convince me that my card was no good. What he did not know is that I had been made aware that someone else paid the fare in cash in full. So, I confronted him with that.

That's when he tried to backtrack and tell me the fare was to get my phone. See, I should call when I'm downtown again and then he will come and bring me my phone… for the low, low fee of $15. I told him for all that he could throw the phone away and that I know extortion when I hear it.

But after thinking a bit more - and talking with CBS111 - I decided to call him and tell him that I'm willing to meet to recover my phone. Tomorrow I AM calling my insurance company and I AM reporting the phone as stolen and in his possession. Then I AM going to call the cab company to report him for extortion. And I AM going to see if I can report him to the BBB (I only have a first name).

Finally, when I'm done with all of that, I AM gonna have a great time at Cedar Point. Have a good day, everybody!
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Saturday, August 14, 2010

Alone Doesn't Mean Lonely

I'm sitting in a breakfast restaurant after finally putting in my rental application. I'm one kind remark away from tears. A one-bedroom apartment is the ultimate sign that I'm alone.

I have great friends, as witnessed last night, but I will soon have my own place with no room for anyone else. And it frightens me.

Being alone is the only thing I've ever truly been afraid of. What if people don't come by? What if my new neighbors don't like me? What if the rest of my life will be like this?
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Friday, August 13, 2010

Looking Inward

I found this here and I decided that it needed to be done here. So enjoy! And yes, I really will finish blogging about Rollback. Just relax already!

1. I've come to realize that my hair: will not be long, silky and shiny unless I put in some major work. That’s why they make extensions.

2. I've come to realize that when I talk: I’ve stopped using my extensive vocabulary and it’s leaving me at a loss for words.

3. I've come to realize that if I make a mistake: it’s not the end of the world.

4. I've come to realize that all I really need is: one person to bounce my ideas off of.

5. I've come to realize that I've lost: the ability to keep my griping to myself.

6. I've come to realize that I hate: mayhem and foolishness.

7. I've come to realize that if I were to get drunk: I’m gonna hit on the guy that I normally would ignore all night.

8. I've come to realize that money: is not the problem; my choices are.

9. I've come to realize that when I get old: I’m going to badger my children into giving me grandbabies.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be: expecting others to act like I would in a situation.

11. I've come to realize that I have a crush on: mobile blogging. It feeds my narcissism.

12. I've come to realize that the last time I cried: while I was PMSing. I totally misread a crochet pattern rendering 3 days work completely useless.

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone: is super fantastic!! I don’t know how I lived without a smart phone for so long.

14. I've come to realize that when I wake up in the morning: I always need 15 more minutes no matter how long I’ve slept. Must be psychological.

15. I've come to realize that before I go to sleep at night: I force myself to stay awake for an extra 15 minutes.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about: drinking.

17. I've come to realize that my life: will never be all that I’ve dreamt of but it will be all that I make of it.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook: I’m really looking to see what events I can crash.

19. I've come to realize that tonight I will: spend more time with friends and then some time alone.

20. I've come to realize that tomorrow I will: celebrate a good friend’s birthday right after I spend some time alone.

21. I've come to realize that I really want: a life filled with fun, laughter and good memories.

22. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to re post this is: someone else who enjoys seeing inside themselves.

23. I've come to realize that relationships: are super hard work and sometimes disappointing.

24. I've come to realize that love: more than just butterflies; sometimes its just comfort.

25. I've come to realize my best girl friends: are the ones who share my sense of humor but have different opinions.

26. I've come to realize my best guy friends: only come around during football season. 

28. I've come to realize food can: is not the enemy and I am a willing victim.

29: I've come to realize that this summer: forced me to stay indoors.

30. I've come to realize heartbreak: only lasts as long as you let it.

31. I've come to realize that my ex: will never remember all the things he did that hurt me so I should just forget them too.

32. I've come to realize that my sister(s) and/or brother(s) is/are: adults and fully capable of taking care of themselves but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to “baby” them.

33. I've come to realize that crying: makes my eyes burn. Is that an old people thing?

34. I've come to realize that death: is only painful for those that are left behind.

35. I've come to realize that if I'm sick: I’m not gonna give a shit about how you feel.

36. I've come to realize when I'm bored: I get crafty.

37. I've come to realize that work: itself is not my problem; this job is.

38. I've come to realize that family: will cut you deepest and forgive you last.

39. I've come to realize when I go shopping: it doesn’t always have to end in shame.

40. I've come to realize: that sometimes I'm sad, lonely, angry, disappointed and all around unpleasant but I’m still absolutely in love with the person I am now.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Friendship Smoothie

Yum, right?

Editor’s Note: This is not the post I promised but I felt like this story needed to be told. You can read about bigotry anytime but people with gymnasium-sized insecurities are few and far between.

I keep my friends separate. And it’s because I’m selfish.

I have going-out friends, house party friends, work friends, dinner friends, comedy club friends, Celebration friends, cry-it-out friends, does-this-make-my-ass-look-fat friends, and…

Breaking News!: MY BOSS JUST FOUND HIS COFFEE CUP! Whooooot! That’s a record 48 minutes right there. Normally, this game can last for days.

But the point is: I know a variety of people and I like them all for different reasons.

My Wine-and-Housewives friends are not the kind of people who cry it out. When I’m with them and I’m having man problems, we bitch it out. It’s less, “Awww… that’s so sad” and more “I know people”.

Last night, I went to a hookah bar with my friend Averi. Averi and I met many, many moons ago and we were clubbing friends. Until the day we were at the bar and she said, “Guys, I’m getting married”. I was the only one who took her seriously and that’s why we’re still close. So 4 years later, her with a 2YO and me planning for babies, we still get together whenever she’s in town and catch up like she’s just been living up the street.

This time she brought her friend Staci. I’ve never met Staci and I don’t need to compete with Staci but she needed to compete with me…

Staci (to Averi): Give me some money. I only have $10.

I hand Staci $3 to cover my share of whatever it is that she just bought without asking my opinion.

Staci (to Averi again): Why does she give me money and you don’t? Ahahhahahahaa!

I don’t see how that’s funny at all.

And you wanna know what else? I don’t like Staci. She’s a horrible person with major insecurities.

We start talking about Rollback (you will learn more tomorrow) and...

Averi: J-Bird, you dated that NFL player, right?

Me: Yeah (pause for breath)

Staci: Well, I dated that NHL player. Remember, Av?

Since I dated a personal trainer, then she whipped out her phone to show us the admittedly super sexy and realistically not sleeping with her half-naked man in her phone.

I was in the middle of my story about The African when she began her heart wrenching tale of being physically abused by her step-father for 5 years. When I tried to show sympathy, what I got in return was, “Well, it doesn’t bother me now. He knows if he tries it again I’ll cut his nuts off and slit him from sternum to sternum”. Ummm, ok? Or should I say WTF, dude!

It was the most exhausting 72 minutes of my life. It was like I was 3YO and Averi was Staci’s favorite toy and instead of letting me sit and play too she’d rather piss all in the sandbox. And I’m too old for that shit.

I’ve never had a conversation where someone was proud to be the most abused person in the group. She even had the audacity to ask me if she could get married on my family’s property in Savannah. The look on my face must have said it all because Averi chimed in quickly about money.

I hate other people’s friends. At first it was just a mild distate because this is a part of you that I don't know about and quite possibly am not at all interested in. I respect your right to have many facets to your personality. But please, on behalf of all people who hate their friends' friends, keep that bitch away from me.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

It Really Was Worth It

He didn't seem crazy when I met him. And I really should have known better because I never go to Walmart anyway but I only had $10 and I figured that if anyplace would have a variety of M&Ms it would be Walmart. Because it's Girl Week. There, I said it. It's Girl Week and all I really wanted were Pretzel M&Ms. So, I went to Walmart but I don't know where anything is in there so, really I wandered at a high pace.

I made my way back to the snack aisle only to be interruped by a giant man in a red tank top, black shorts, and Adidas water shoes. Yay, me? He asked me three very important questions: Was I married? Was I spoken for? Could he call me? I answered honestly to all three and I gave him my real number!

He said that he hoped to hear from me but then he called me 12 minutes later. In our brief conversation, he told me that he thought that I was following him throughout the store. You know, because I too was still in the food section. Granted, when I finally discovered where the M&Ms are kept in this ridiculously over-sized department store, we did cross paths again. But I was on the phone calling Mrs. G to rant about M&Ms being "seasonal". Because, really? What the hell! And then because I couldn't find pretzel M&Ms; only the place where they used to live, I was frantically pacing the seasonal aisle and the one next to it, where I almost ran into his cart. I get a mean case of tunnel vision when it comes to candy. After all that, I took my loot (Just two bags of candy!) and went to the self-check out because there's no way I'm standing in the express lane where there are 10 people with carts or the other lane with the lady and her 4 bad kids. Low and behold! There he is checking out his swag. I could've cared and said something witty but all I really did was scan, pay, bag and dip out. I looked around ferociously, praying that none of my colleagues would see me in this place. So, yeah, I can see how a self-important ass hat could consider my actions suspicious.

I told him that I couldn't talk long because I was on my way to family dinner. Which is something that I really engage in on Tuesdays. I explained that as my reason for being in that god-awful store and told him that I would call him back later that evening. And now? I almost wish I hadn't...

Oh! Except I got Reese's miniatures! I mean, I would have walked through hot lava to get those. Believe that.

More tomorrow... Hint: The post is titled Bigotry: A Phone Date

The Back of Uncertainty

This is The New Guy's back. I would love to be snarky about something ridiculous that he said today, but I can't because I'm a nice person and no one wants the world to know that they were told to get up out of their chair to talk to you instead of yelling through partitions.

All in all, he is nowhere near as bad as the guy I had a phone date with last night who is, in fact, a closeted bigot. And even though this isn't a book, I did write it down so it's now a fact .
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Monday, August 9, 2010

What I'm Reading

I guess it's time to share with you my plans for children. Why not, right? It's currently on my facebook page and most of my friends know (and support me fully!).

For those of you who don't know, I want nothing more than to be a mother and I've been doing my research…

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Last Thing I Made

Yo Bloggies!
Now that my Picasa is up all things are possible with Blogger Droid (except multiple pics per post. But they promise to fix that). Anyhoops, I wanted to take a minute to zip ya this cutie I made for Little Miss Claire. Its a monster. Her favorite monster (Sully) except he's brown because I didn't have enough blue and I ran out of time. I give it to her and she says, "For Claire-Claire?"

Awwwww… I know right! How can you not love this kid!?! But she hugs it and then goes, "Bear. Raawwwrrr!" Its safe to say that she is my favorite little person of the week.

So, that's all for now. More to come.

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Thursday, August 5, 2010

Blogger Droid

OMG! This app is as awesome as you think! now to download Picasa so I can post pictures from here too.

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Tuesday, August 3, 2010


So, I got toooooonnnnnsssss of sleep last night. It's quite ridiculous actually. But my body definitely needed it so I'm really not complaining.

What I am saying is that with lots of sleep comes lots of dreams. And it seems fitting that I would dream about being an abused wife when the last thing I heard was "Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem featuring Rihanna and the last thing I watched was Enough. So, yeah, there's that.

I also just realized that I had the office hours of my potential renters messed up. They are open until 7pm on Monday and Wednesday. I could still make it there today, but they probably will view me the way I view people who enter a restaurant with the words "Are you open?". I mean, seriously, have some empathy for the working man.

So, I will go tomorrow. I'm still torn up inside about it. It's the ultimate signal to Nat, ya know? A one bedroom apartment clearly states that I don't intend to have anyone living with me at anytime. Therefore, she is not welcome to "stay for Christmas". I know that I'm allowed to be selfish. I know that it's time for me to take care of myself first for a change. And I believe that I should get accustomed to this level of selfishness because when I make the other changes in my life I will have to put me and mine first. That doesn't make it hurt any less though. Especially, when I can see her longing for me to offer her a chance at redemption. A brief escape from the real world. I could but I don't want to so I'm not going to.

I know I shouldn't judge her; that I have no right to, but it is happening. I listen to her talk about where she will and will not live. About how places are too small. My assumption is that she wants more than she can afford, more than she deserves, and much more than she needs. I tried living under her expectations before and I won't do it again. My new goal is to live below my means not at them. I don't want to be able to pay my bills every month and then have some left over for fun. I want real, substantial amounts of savings that will allow me to buy a house, repair my car, have a baby, plan a vacation, anything!

No one knows the pain I feel everyday that I am away from my grandmother. I wish I could hop on a plane, jump in the car, or even hitch hike to go see her. But the time away from my job is not something that I can afford. She's doing much better now but I couldn't be by her side when she was dying and that hurts more than anything else that I've ever felt.

I won't live that way anymore. And as much as I love Nat, she's too undependable. If I were to live with her again, the entire burden would be on me to make sure that everything was right and then I would (hopefully) collect her check for her share of the expenses. I'm above that now, on higher ground, on a different plane and she's not acting like someone who's prepared to go with me.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Shaking It Up and Segmenting My Blog

I love nothing more than to make life just a little bit harder than it has to be. That's how I decided that I would need more than one blog. Having everything reported in one place just seems too... too... squishy. Yes, squishy.

I feel that by having one blog to put all of my thoughts and goals and dreams is just overwhelming for both the reader and myself.

There's no way that I feel comfortable telling you what I'm currently reading, what I'm currently crocheting, the latest stupid thing my boss said, Nat's borderline homelessness, and my inner struggles at the same time that I announce that I lost 2.8 el-bees. You can see how last week I was relaxed, euphoric, depressed, overwhelmed and ecstatic all at the same time.

It's just too much to process and I feel like I need to compartmentalize my life. So, I have decided that I am going to have a series of blogs with varying URLs of "JBirds...". I kinda wish I could change the URL to this one. What I wouldn't give to call it something catchy like the title that's in my brain but much like a baby name if you take it I will cut you.

So that's that. I will have three new blogs coming up. One will be private and the other two will be focused on purely perfecting myself in those areas. And this blog, right here? This blog will be filled with all of the ridiculous exploits of my every day life. I can only hope you'll enjoy the change.
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