Monday, July 26, 2010

This is Your Face...

This is My Fist. This is My Fist hitting Your Face!

That is how the new guy makes me feel.

For those of you who don't follow CBS111, you don't know about The New Guy. TNG is here to replace this bastard. Now I know what you're thinking, "Oh J-Bird, cut him some slack!", "He's only been here for 5 weeks!", "Giiiiiirrrrrrllllll, don't hit him! You'll get jail time!". But I'm here to tell you that he makes me so frustrated that I actually "Mommed" him. Yes, y'all! Mommed.

He has pulled from me my inner parent and I actually forbade someone from helping him. Why, you ask? Well, why what? Why did I Mom him? Because the fool don't listen. Why did I forbid him from getting more help? Because I'd already given him explicit, written instruction on how to accomplish his goal. And that was AFTER standing over him and watching him open all necessary files and forms AND THEN walking him through it AND THEN writing down the final steps including the information for the woman who receives all the information he has collected.

That's why he got mommed!

Because if I didn't mom him then I was gonna slap the taste out his mouth. Do you know he had the audacity to I heard him! I wanted to get my ergonomic roll on and karate kick his ass.

He's a rude, arrogant, SOB that doesn't have the knowledge to work an excel spreadsheet. Like I said to him earlier, he can second guess himself all he wants but I'll be damned! if he second guesses me. I don't tell him things because I like to hear myself talk and I don't tell him things that will get him in trouble. I tell him things because that's the way that they're done. And the sooner he realizes that the sooner I'll stop wanting to kick him in the teeth.

And he thinks he's going out with me? Amongst my friends? You see what he thinks is: that he'll be invited and magically "forget" to call him "friends" and then I'll have no choice but to let him hang out with me and mine. But what he doesn't know is that I will embarrass his no-friend- having ass in front of everyone I know. Reference.

I'm sorry. To put that last paragraph in perspective you need to know that he texted me on Friday night wanting to know if I was going out with my friends. He wants me to let him know the next time I go downtown so he can come and hang out. I can tell you this much, he doesn't want to act a fool around you when I'm drinking. It won't bode well for his self-esteem.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Thankful Thursday - A Selfish Rendition

Today, I'm thankful for one thing: Me.

  • I have a good head on my shoulders

  • I have a strong resolve

  • I have impeccable problem solving abilities

  • I picked awfully wonderful friends

  • I taught myself to not say everything I feel

  • I have managed to be someone that even I can rely on

  • I am honest with myself and others

  • I never fear tomorrow

  • I stay focused toward my goals

  • I believe in my dreams

  • I know that I can do anything

  • I trust naively

  • I love openly

  • I have a bubbly personality

  • I have already decided and committed to succeeding

That's right. Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Monday, July 19, 2010

You Will Never Guess What I Saw! - A Collection of Short Stories

"A Whole New Meaning"

I was talking with my sister about the latest craze in abbreviations: SMH. She told me that she discoverd what it means... by way of a customer in her store.

She was talking to one of the girls she works with while putting away shoes. "Grace", she said, "do you know what 'SMH' means? It's all over Facebook". Before Grace could answer a customer was like "Smuh? It's Smuh, like ugh! You use it the same". Everyone in the store is trying to suppress their giggles while Grace subtly enlightens them both, "Sweetheart, it's Shaking My Head".

Luckily, the customer got a laugh out of it himself. But *our* new thing? Girl, it's Smuh!

"Shimmy with me Africa!!"

Friday was Mrs.G's birthday and to celebrate she invited us girls out for sushi. The restaurant and atmosphere were fabulous. I knew this in advance so I figured that I would dress accordingly. Black dress with bright red accents. Plus my stunner studs! You already know.

After dinner, we trekked to a delightful spot called Level. When you go there at night in the spring and fall, they take all of the panes out of the windows. It's so chic!

We go upstairs and a very obviously gay man (who was so sweet and deliciously fun) was giving me the eye. I wave and apparently that opened the gates to hugs, European kisses, Latin dancing, and yes, a shimmy. He was so great and even nicknamed me "Africa". I heart you, Brian from L.A.

"Street Walker"

I spent a ton of Saturday night hoofing it around this fair city. I had forgotten how much I loved the lights, the energy, and the hustle of the people until I set out to each new destination. I was on my way back to my car when I realized that I was no longer in the Stilettos district and I was firmly planted in Birkenstock district.

It was fun to have the locals eye me with jealousy, wondering which fabu party I *must* be headed to. I loved the way the men stared as I passed them leaving the deep scents of chocolate, white peony, patchouli and vanilla behind me. I loved the glares from the other girls covered to their flip-flopped toes in over sized sundresses.

I... almost broke a heel. Apparently, they don't believe in repaving the sidewalks out there in the Birkenstock district. Gravel reeks havoc on the balls of ones feet and munches a stiletto's heel to dust. But that's OK because before the night was over I got a "Oh my gosh! How are *you* doing?". Who cares if he never calls, that guy made my night.

"Don't Be a Slave"

Once a month, Big Poppa and I will go to the comedy club for some laughs. This past Wednesday, we did our usual do. He wore dark jeans, a lavender shirt, and gorgeous crocodile shoes. I wore an orange ruched dress, new turquoise baubles, and my killer J. Simp gold paintbrush platforms. We looked stellar as always.

Side note: Whenever I'm with Big Poppa I feel like a rockstar. He never hesitates to tell me how beautiful I am. It helps, of course, that I put my best foot forward and aim to make the other guys jealous, but it does help to know that he appreciates it.

The show was hilarious and we had a great time. He learned the art of getting cheap drinks and I learned to keep my mouth shut when women walk by in horrendous outfits. I mean, seriously!

One woman wore leggings (as pants!) that had cut outs in them from her ankle to her thigh. Really? Really?!? And then she paired it with a t-shirt. Really? Do they not have mirrors where she lives? Did she not pass a pane of glass?

Then there was the frumpy mother. Or grandmother. Or spinster more likely. She's a plus-sized girl like myself. But when I want to step out, I pull something spectacular from my closet, usually purchased from Sheeeee wore black gauchos (!), a faded olive green woven halter top that was too big and sagged around her chest and back (ugh!), and black espadrilles (harrumph!). To make it all worst, she hadn't done her hair or makeup. Aaaaaand she had toilet paper on her shoe!

Now I'm a nice person, so I definitely helped her get the toilet paper from her shoe. And I didn't express my concern over her wardrobe choices. But if there were anything at all that I would have said, it'd just be to wear clothes that fit. If you try to hide your body it looks like you're wearing a tent. And then I would slap the shit out of her skinny friend who looked impeccable.

All the Pieces, Pieces, Pieces of Me

image found here

Lately, I've been feeling very disconnected from everyone and everything in my life. Some people have an innate need to be a part of something; I do not. I never have.

In times like these all I really need is to be alone in an open space - a place without voices, a place without people, a place without cars or bikes or hikers, a place without distraction - and to breathe. Not many people understand this need. I don't ask them to; I don't need them to. When I'm ready, when I feel the time is right, I will find this place; my retreat. And I will go there and I will sit and I will write and I will breathe.

And when I'm done. I will be me again.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

About Me: Because You Can Never Put Too Much Info On the Internet

001. Real name → J Hyphen Bird
002. Nickname(s) → J-Bird (the hyphen is silent)
003. Birthday → August 12, 1885
004. Zodiac sign → Sagittarius
005. Male or female → I Haz Girly Bitz
006. Elementary → Robert P Ulrich
007. Middle School → Old Mill Middle North
008. High School → Greater Grace Christian Academy
010. Hair color → Dark Brown #2
011. Long or short → the pack says 14"
012. Loud or Quiet → obscene
013. Sweats or Jeans → Sexy butt hugging jeans
014. Phone or Camera → Phone, always
015. Health freak → If Oreos and Home-made cakes are healthy
016. Drink or Smoke? → Drinks, plural, with an 's'
017. Do you have a crush on someone? → My baby
018. Eat or Drink → Drinks, lots of 'em
019. Piercings --> Ears and Nose
020. Tattoos --> in secret places
021. Water or Fire → I'm a Fire Sign if that helps.
022. Chocolate or Vanilla--> Mocha Almond Fudge

023. First fear → Evil People with nothing better to do than look for ways to hurt others
024. First best friend → Melanie
025. First award → There was one in Kindergarten but we'll go with being skipped a grade. Whootah!
026. First crush → Michael Vasquez: The green-eyed, red-haired friendship ruiner.
027. First Pet → Brownie. Most awesome dog E.V.E.R.
028. First big vacation → That cross country road trip that only our parents enjoyed.
029. First Boyfriend/Girlfriend--> Jerry... aaaaahhhhhh!!!
030. First big birthday → 21. My friends made it awesome!

031. Orange or Apple Juice--> apple
032. Rock or Rap--> 50 Cent. Puuuurrrrrr!!!!!
033. Country or Screamo--> Country
034. N'Sync or Backstreet Boys--> N'Sync. Pfffft... 'cause it was a competition?
035. Brittney Spears or Christina Aguliera--> Mrs. Federline in all her trashy glory
036. Night or Day--> night fo' sho'
037. Sun or Moon--> Moon. I even clean at night.
038. TV or Internet--> Internet, it's how I keep in touch.
039. Playstation or Xbox-->Wiiiiiiiiiiiii
040. Kiss or Hug--> Kisses all day.
041. Iguana or Turtle--> Turtle, but not the squished one that Klea tried to eat.
042. Spider or Bee--> laby bug
043. Fall or Spring--> Spring
044. Limewire or iTunes--> Pandora
045. Pepsi or Coke--> Pepsi
046. Soccer or Baseball--> Footbaaaawwwwwwwwllllllllllllllllllllll
047. McCain or Obama--> 6 in one hand...
048. Snow or Sand--> Beaches

049. Eating → peas
050. Drinking → water
051. Wearing--> professional clothes that make me look like an experienced renter
052. I'm about to → go outside
053. Listening to → people type
054. Plans for today → pack more boxes, be more crafty, clean more rooms, see more comedy, find more job listings
055. Waiting for → opportunity to knock so that I can answer.
056. Where--> this place they call hell
057. Thinking about--> mommyhood

058. Want kids? four little mixed babies
059. Want to get married? → If he will add to my life and not take away from it
060. What careers do you have in mind→ Why do I have to have more than one? Who the hell did you write this questionnaire for?
061. Where do you want to live--> It used to be Barcelona but I hear that Hawaii doesnt have bugs
062. Suburbs or City--> A country village
063. Want to be famous--> Of course not, I just want to be rich.
064. Believe in 2012--> If the Mayans were right then why aren't they here now?
065. Rich or Middle Class--> Rich, Bitch!
066. "Traditional" Marriage; Wife home, husband working--> Sure, if it happens but that's actually my plan AX. I've got a lot of other ideas about why my life will look like.
067. When do you want to die--> after my children are all raised and productive members of society and at the same time as my lover.

068. Lips or eyes → Eyes, always.
069. Smart or Funny--> Brawn
070. Shorter or taller? → Giantesque
071. Blonde or Brunette--> eh.
072. Romantic or spontaneous → romantic (so contradictory, right?)
073. Nice stomach or nice arms → Arms
074. Sensitive or loud → Neither. I don't need poems and I want to be able to hear the next joke. Sue me.
075. Hook-up or relationship → relationship
076. Similar or Different--> Similar Likes, Different styles
077. PDA--> yum!
078. Going out or Staying in--> both
079. Movie or Dinner--> dinner

080. Lost glasses/contacts → uh, duh.
081. Ran away from home → regularly and then I finally stayed gone.
082. Held a gun/knife for self defense --> I was taught how to and then when I thought I had to I ended up pulling it on my fiance'. #truestory
083. Killed somebody → 's dream? yes.
084. Been Heartbroken → ah, memories.
085. Been arrested → close but no cigar
086. Done something you regretted right away--> No regrets; no use
087. Cried when someone died → every time.
088. Laughed so hard you peed your pants--> maybe. who wants to know?

089. Yourself → everyday
090. Miracles → life is a miracle.
091. Love at first sight → that's not love
092. Heaven → I believe in living life to the fullest
093. Santa Claus → of course!
094. Sex on the first date → No
095. Kiss on the first date → But never on the lips.
096. Happily Ever After--> there will always be spots on the mirror

097. Is there one person you want to be with right now → yes
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life → I am happy with myself but I am looking for more from certain aspects of my existance.
099. Are you writing this note as an excuse to procrastinate--> What? Me? Procrastinate? Pu-shah!
100. Was this boring? Naaaahhhh.... I learned a lot... about... myself?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


I'm angry.

And this isn't an anger that's focused on just one area or being. I'm angry at everything.

I'm angry at myself: For keeping feelings bottled up inside that I know deserve to be set free. For being afraid to express my feelings for fear of losing something precious. For allowing the pain and sorrow to wash over me. For feeling shame at my own choices. For succumbing to failure. For making excuses. For letting others control me and my emotions. For failing to be true to myself.

I'm angry at my mother: For being selfish. For keeping secrets. For stealing precious moments with my grandmother. For acting as though she is the only one with anything to lose. For being passive-aggressive. For feeling entitled. For treating me like my life was, and still is, a burden. For being the first to find fault in others but the last to find fault in herself. For always finding a way to be condescending. For not acknowledging the wrong she has done. For jumping to negative conclusions. For never giving praise. For burdening me with her responsibilities.

I'm angry with God: For all of the pain and suffering. For being a lie. For letting the good and faithful die. For standing by while the innocent are destroyed. For giving much to those who have never earned it. For making some people weak. For forcing the rest of us to be strong. For taking the last that some have. For taking glory for all that is good. For deflecting the credit for all that is bad.

I'm angry with my uterus: For carrying a baby when my soul wasn't ready. For causing me unbearable pain. For possibly being unable to carry again. For not wanting to carry for me now.

I'm angry with Palmer: For not having the courage to take a chance on something new. For not having the sense to know a good deal when he sees one. For reneging on his offer. For not knowing his place in my life. For trying to be more to me than I wanted him to be. For being angry when I turned him down. For not being man enough to say what it is he really feels. For taking away my opportunity. For making a liar out of me.

I'm angry with my job: For being less than I deserve. For holding me captive. For wanting more from me than they've earned. For making me feel like I am less than enough. For degrading me everyday. For filling my heart with sadness. For making me hard toward the world. For making me skeptical of people's true intentions. For making me wary of tomorrow. For killing me slowly. For taking the best of me and using it in the worst way.

I'm angry with my money: For seeming less plentiful than it ever has before. For being essential to my well-being. For barely providing my needs. For running from me and landing nowhere. For not being enough.

I'm angry with my heart: For still being broken. For not knowing how to heal. For not wanting to heal. For bleeding for the weak. For breaking for the poor. For being so easily damaged. For growing harder daily. For forgetting how to love. For abandoning hope.

I'm angry with imitators: For not seeing this trait in themselves. For thinking that it's flattering. For hovering around others lives. For taking only the good parts of others. For not being secure in themselves. For making it hard for you to be yourself.

I'm angry with my father: For still not being around. For using my age as an excuse not to assist or provide. For being a mediocre adult. For being a weak person. For being a crier. For being able to help but not wanting to. For being given new opportunities. For being given free room and board. For teaching me not to trust others. For still choosing others over me.

I'm angry with people that judge me: For not knowing my reasons. For not having confidence in me. For thinking that everyone should be like them. For being intolerant. For accusing me of being selfish.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Giving Thanks

There are some things in life that we just let pass us by without proper acknowledgement. It's funny that when you read this list, you may say to yourself, "Why is she thanking him/her/it/them? They didn't do anything special". But the truth of the matter is that they have done something special by doing just one small thing right and they deserve to be recognized for it. Because, believe me, if they did something wrong, you would aaaaalllllllll know it before they were out of ear shot.

1. To the cleaning crew at work - thank you for scraping off that dried, bloody booger that was on the wall in stall 4. I don't know who put it there and I hate them just as much as you do. Yes, I wish their toothbrush had been here for you to use also.

2. Nice people at the Drive-Thru window - on a day like yesterday where my air conditioner was being a 1st class cow, I was not in the mood to deal with anything including my greasy face, my sweaty skin, or my frizzy hair. All I really wanted was to bring my body temp down about 10 degrees. That's where the BK drive-thru guy comes in. He handed me my large-sized Dr. P and my large-sized Cherry Icee without comment or judgement. He even kept silent when I squealed in delight. For a brief second, he was my hero.

3. My paycheck - I'm always ready to tell it off when it's acting a jack or mysteriously short, but I never take the time to thank it for being enough to supply all of my needs and most of my wants.

4. The Deleted Folder in my Outlook - This folder will never know how many times a day it has saved me from the brink of insanity or kept me from having to bop someone upside their skull to bring things to their recollection. Instead, I just pull up that email from February 8, 2009 and offer you a rock-solid refesher.

5. Baked Goods - I love them in every form and on days like today I'm going to devour them.

6. Sports that aren't Baseball - you all rock. All of you. Yeah, even you lacrosse. There's something about the physical contact that gets me. Those baseball jocks are a bunch of pansies. Whining about outs and balls and bad calls. How about I take this ball and kick it towards your face?!? Huh!?! Yeah... that's what I thought.

7. MMA Fighters - Y'all aren't pretty but it's not really pretty that I'm after. I love the knowledge that my man could kick your man's ass. Puuurrrrrrrrrr!

8. Nail Techs - You don't talk much and you are always trying to upsell me on some solar polish but DAMN if you don't do brilliant work. I <3 you, for real though.

9. My Boobs - Sometimes, you weigh my shoulders down and make me feel like I'm carrying a watermelon, but I love you. We've been together so long that I kinda can't imagine life without you.

10. To All of the Relationships that Didn't Work Out - You were all bitches for treating me the way you did but you all taught me something too. Once, I learned that I was too forgiving. Another time I learned that it's ok to have bounderies. One of you taught me that in my deepest core I am NOT a Gold Digger and wouldn't allow someone to buy my dignity. Most recently, you taught me not to allow my mother to get involved. At the time we were together, I'm sure I hated you; I hate some of you still. But I learned from you, so, thanks for that.

Kisses --

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