To My Future Self

I got this idea from Andrea over at a cake for a wife. It’s important that I am honest here and if something I say here offends you then my only suggestion is that you stop reading and move forward with your life.

I had a dream a few nights ago. It started out with me entering a small restaurant with no way for me to get to my final destination. Before I could mope about the unfairness of it all, one of Mrs.G’s bridesmaids, Madison and her friend come in and offer me a ride. I’m trying to get to this hotel where I’ll be getting married (finally!). We get there and it’s a huge circle. We can’t figure out how to get to the entrance or even where it is! So Madison drives her car across the grounds and on to the runway that I will be strutting down the very next day. I climb into a window and into my Bridal Room.

My gown is there (and it’s Ab-Fab even though it’s not something I would pick out for myself; too couture-y). Anyways, I’m in this room and I set all my stuff down and start looking for a way to get to the front desk. This room is just one massive circle. The crazy part is that between every Bridal Suite is a Groom’s Chambers. I check inside each and every one looking for an exit to the main lobby. I even walk in on one unsuspecting groom as he steps from the shower, but still I’m at a lost. I finally lie down in the center and fall to sleep.

The next morning when I awake, I go into my Bridal Suite and climb out of the very same window. There are people everywhere bustling around prepping for the massive number of wedding that will be taking place. I also see my ex-personal trainer. He’s there with his wife and he’s dressed e x a c t l y like her. Exactly. Same skinny jeans. Same fuchsia top. Same honey-blonde hair crimped to hell and teased to the sky (here’s hoping his was a wig).

We engage in small talk. “What are you doing here?”, “Me too!”, “That’s so sweet.”, “I love how you two match each other.”, “Haha! That’s such a cute idea.” I walk away and over hear someone ask Trainer, “How do you know Jen?” and he says, “I’m a personal trainer. I used to train her but you can’t tell”. It broke my heart in my dreams, it breaks my heart now.

So, I’m writing these things to my Future Skinny Self. These ten things are vastly important and a must read for the new sexy me. Here goes…


1. Nobody is watching you.

It’s important that I help you understand that other people have lives too. Sure, they’re not as interesting as yours. I completely agree that they could benefit from having you as a compadre, however, while you are wasting precious minutes stressing about that distant whisper, fleeting glance, or muffled giggle, they are doing exactly what you should be doing; living their lives.

2. You are not alone but you can’t wait on “them” to get your real life started either.

I (fat you) always had the ability but not the mental strength to keep at it alone. But you (skinny me) are stronger than that. You’re here now because of what you were willing to do on your own. So, pick up your bag, grab your keys and go already! I don’t know where and I really don’t care but just go. You’ll thank me for it later.

3. You weren’t as bad as you could have been.

With a family history of cancer and heart disease, not to mention your own cancer scares; one would think that I wouldn’t even be here to write you this letter. But they are wrong because we are blessed.

4. You were worst than you should have been.

I watched the scale climb and every added pound was an added weight to our shoulders. We know better and quite frankly, we are too fucking fabulous to look like this. I mean, a “bread basket”? Really? What the hell, dude? Not to mention the awkwardness that is reverse cowgirl.

5. Being so overweight was not okay and it was not normal

The sweating behind the knees, the muffin top in the jeans, the lethargy; these are bad signs. You know it. I know it. My knees know it. You have the body I haven’t seen since college. You are the way that we are supposed to be. It took a long time to get there; let’s not lose it again, ok?

6. It was an eating disorder.

The way you perceive food is all mental. It all started the first time you were told to finish all the food on your plate. It continued when you were treated with food for celebrations and in heartache. You need to understand that this is the only addiction from which you cannot abstain. You must have food to continue to live, but now that we’ve put it into perspective, I order you to use it only to nourish your body and never your soul. You think that those chips are going to taste soooooooooooo gooooooooood and then you look in the mirror and they bring you down again. Do you know how many times you’re going to regret NOT having cake or cookies or candy or pasta? Not one.

7. You can continue to cook/eat/live/be healthy.

I know that you know how to do it because you had to do it to look as good as you do. Just keep it up. What we’ve got going here is a way of life. Don’t stop. Now that we’ve got your body, I never want mine back.

8. It was worth the journey.

I know it was a long, hard, lonely road to travel but now that it’s done, don’t you feel much better? Can’t you breathe better? Don’t you love going into every store knowing that you can try anything on? Aren’t you sure that guy is checking out your ass? Yes, Yes, and Yes!

9. The healing will begin when you allow it to.

I have many scars. I have a tendency to hold on to everything for forever. You have the power to change that.

10. Don’t be a slut.

Remember Freshman Year in college when we lived in an off-campus apartment on “Frat Row” with THREE SENIORS? Yeah, let’s not live like that anymore.