Monday, March 7, 2011

Is Forgiveness Appropriate Here?

The Scorpio and I had dinner on Friday. What's important to note is that I didn't kill him. What's second to that is that I actually laughed with him. What's tearing me up inside is that I'm ready to forgive him.

If you don't know the chapter of my life that is the Scorpio Saga then I'm sorry but I'm not going to recount it here. You can read this post again but I don't know if that would help because there was a major fall out in the summer to which he claims to have no recollection. That is why this man drives me nuts.

He can be acutely aware that I'm angry but still hasn't accepted that I'm a champion grudge holder. He thought that because I yelled at him in June that I was totally over it now. But I told him that there was no way he was getting off that easy. Some of the things he said to me were over-the-top and utterly ridiculous.

To which he said he was sorry. He admitted that he was an asshole and he didn't realize how much until after I broke up with him. He said he wants to earn back the level of trust I had in him when we were first together. How can you be mad at that? Well, how can I be mad at that?

We sat in hard, wooden chairs for more than three hours and just talked. I felt like I was getting to know who he was for the first time in all the years we've known each other. And it was... nice.

The atmosphere was relaxed. We mixed jokes with more serious conversation and laid out all of our concerns on the table. There were tales of our relationship past that we each remembered differently. Apparently, I was so tired one night that, when he tried to initiate sex, I told him, "Do what you want. I'm going to sleep". Which sounds exactly like something I would say.

We talked about the break up and it seems we both feel like we broke up at different times. I feel like it was the day I told him that I couldn't date him anymore because he was a mooch that wanted me to rent a car for him and his friends to drive to Tennessee. But we did sleep together for an entire winter after that. And he might have seen me with someone else and been outraged that I would cheat on him! But I didn't think I was cheating because I thought I had broken up with him hence my nonchalant attitude.

He thinks the day we broke up was the day we sat in my car and I told him that we were only going to be friends from that point on. The Scorpio even broke down what I was wearing and how my hair looked. He says that I cried and I did. I remember that night. I cried because I wanted him to have a reaction and instead he just stared out the windshield and (after a prolonged silence) said "What if that's not what I want". To which I responded that he didn't have a choice because I was seeing someone else and I wasn't going to cheat on that guy with him. So, he got out of the car and we didn't talk again until last April. Even when we saw each other out at the same place, we'd just nod and move on.

I don't know how to explain all of this except to say that I miss him. I really, truly miss having him around. He's the only person I know that will let me snuggle with him, drool on him and snore loudly without complaining. He's always ready to go out and have fun and he dresses me better than any of my gay friends ever could. You can't buy that in a store.

I guess what I'm saying is: "Sometimes you forgive people simply because you want them in your life." - The Noteboook. It's not the most profound thing I've ever read but it is simple enough to be true. And it totally allows me to justify my feelings. That'll have to work.

1 comment:

  1. you don't have to justify to anyone. as long as you're happy it doesn't matter. however if you're unhappy, i will cut him.


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