The Times They Are a-Changin'

Pic found here

Dear 2010,

Fuck you.

You were an absolute horrible time in my life and I'm glad that you're gone. The part of me that is optimistic and looks toward the future is so glad that we will never meet again. If I had a time-travelling knife, I would cut you right out of my life.

Confused? Let's discuss:

January - Plagued with constant illness

February - Paid money to find love only to be matched with complete ass hats with chihuahuas sticking out of their t-shirts or fantastic men with an inability to move forward. Priceless.

March - Damaged someone else's vehicle, was bailed out by my brother, and had a major row with my sister. And I didn't get the one I wanted.

April - Hit an all-time low in my emotional life

May - Got majorly offended and embarrassed my sister in a huge way

June - Gramma fell outrageously ill

July - I lost my baby

August - Gave this asshole my number

September - I had this day which was promptly followed by this dream

October - This post was distributed because people like to start drama. No, I'm still not sorry I wrote it.

November - I had a week-long battle with my mother and managed to fail at a meme

December - I realized that I'd lost a good friend and am having a war with a colleageue

You did nothing if not keep me humble. Everytime I tried to make a positive progression, you made sure to put me firmly back into my place. I am only so hateful because I had such high hopes for you. You and I were going to take on the world together. We had endless possibilities. Then you ruined it with your constant negativity.

Even the moments when everything was going as planned were draped in doubt and uncertainty.

I wouldn't take back any of your days because for every three blows you dealt, you were kind enough to offer me a day of solace.

With that, I look forward to 2011. It really doesn't have a choice but to be better. Because I am not afraid to punch a day in the face.

Dear Scorpio,

You and me, together, is quite possibly a bad idea. Actually, I polled people and it is, in fact, a bad idea. For who we were 3 years ago. But for who we are today? Well, let's review. I've grown to be incredibly paranoid but also much more comfortable with myself and who I am. You? Well, I notice that you've made some very positive changes.

You've gone from being a boy with no focus and goo-gobs of potential to being a man with his own business and target goals. You also have that rock hard body (which is super sexy to look at but a bitch to snuggle up against) and God knows that's a MEGA plus. And it's been 24 hours since you held me last but I can still feel you on my skin. You've also become extremely punctual which I love because it shows that you are taking other people into consideration. I love these things.

But we're so dangerously different. You are calm where I am manic. You are patient where I jump in. You are measured where I am overflowing. You operate with purpose while I insist on going with the tide. You see reason when all I can see are emotions. I can't figure out why you would be drawn to me, or vice versa for that matter. Well, at least you think my quips are funny.

What I do know is that you are on my mind constantly. And it is due, in part, to the fact that you are becoming a fixture in my life again. And as much as I would like to allow myself to free fall into your piercing gaze, I can't be sure that you would catch me. The feelings I had for you once are still there, lying dormant under layers of hurt and disappointment. I can't let you bring those to the surface unless you can promise to take care of them.

I've always been open with you and you've always known where I stand. I sometimes wish that I could get the same from you. I wish that it wasn't so hard to get inside your head. When I think of how hard it really will be to have a mature, adult relationship with you and I think about how much I'm going to have to change (albeit, for the better), I still want to try with you. I can only hope that is enough because trying's all I've got.

I can't tell you what we should do but we both know what we want to do. Maybe you could try jumping in with both feet. You might actually like it.

What Now?

Mmmmkaaayyy. Today, I received my first email from my very first eHarmony match. He lives just one town away and although he doesn't seem like the kind of guy I always dreamed of being with, I have to be realistic. I'm not the kind of girl I'd always dreamed of being. I mean, I am supposed to be Grace Kelly. And right now? Right now, I'm more like Kelly Osborne. So, yeah, I've got some work to do.

Plus, I think I'm going to give him a chance. He seems very sweet and has a few of the same goals that I do. And eHarmony prides themselves on matching people based on "29 different levels". So now the real question is: When should we meet face-to-face?

I'm actually really anxious about it because up until now, he was just some guy that couldn't get to me. He can't hurt me, judge me, or dislike me from cyberspace. Do I want to let him in? What if he doesn't like me for me? What the hell am I freaking out about? Why do I care what he thinks of me? Am I that fragile? What if it works out and I have to choose between him and Atlanta?!?

This is already exhausting and we haven't even met yet. *heavy sigh* I'm going to eat my little chicken pizza and drink my blueberry Izze while I stress about this in private.

One Thing Affects ALL the Others

This has been one of my shittiest weeks on record by far. And I've started this post differently everyday this week because I was going to fill it with more bitching about: Monday - my life, Tuesday - my boss, and Wednesday - my job.

But today is different. Because this morning, I gathered the courage to do what I should have done yesterday... I weighed myself. And you know what? I'm down 1.2 pounds. That's MORE than a WHOLE POUND after weeks of a whole lotta nothing.

And the only thing I did differently was get off my fat ass and sweat for around 40 minutes a day.

When I got to work this morning, I did what I always do: log in to blogger and check on my weight loss idols. The one that caught my eye first was Jack Sh*t and today's post "Why Not?".

It moved me in a way that paying $1300 for a trainer, $70 for new sneakers, and countless dollars on various at-home-fitness-programs never have. It made me reflect on why I haven't just done it already. And it caused me to confront my fear of failure.

So, I'm hoping that my early morning epiphany will give me the strength to propel forward just one more day, one more week so that I can lose one more pound. And with a little luck, I might lose these last 70 pounds after all.