There are some things in life that we just let pass us by without proper acknowledgement. It's funny that when you read this list, you may say to yourself, "Why is she thanking him/her/it/them? They didn't do anything special". But the truth of the matter is that they have done something special by doing just one small thing right and they deserve to be recognized for it. Because, believe me, if they did something wrong, you would aaaaalllllllll know it before they were out of ear shot.
1. To the cleaning crew at work - thank you for scraping off that dried, bloody booger that was on the wall in stall 4. I don't know who put it there and I hate them just as much as you do. Yes, I wish their toothbrush had been here for you to use also.
2. Nice people at the Drive-Thru window - on a day like yesterday where my air conditioner was being a 1st class cow, I was not in the mood to deal with anything including my greasy face, my sweaty skin, or my frizzy hair. All I really wanted was to bring my body temp down about 10 degrees. That's where the BK drive-thru guy comes in. He handed me my large-sized Dr. P and my large-sized Cherry Icee without comment or judgement. He even kept silent when I squealed in delight. For a brief second, he was my hero.
3. My paycheck - I'm always ready to tell it off when it's acting a jack or mysteriously short, but I never take the time to thank it for being enough to supply all of my needs and most of my wants.
4. The Deleted Folder in my Outlook - This folder will never know how many times a day it has saved me from the brink of insanity or kept me from having to bop someone upside their skull to bring things to their recollection. Instead, I just pull up that email from February 8, 2009 and offer you a rock-solid refesher.
5. Baked Goods - I love them in every form and on days like today I'm going to devour them.
6. Sports that aren't Baseball - you all rock. All of you. Yeah, even you lacrosse. There's something about the physical contact that gets me. Those baseball jocks are a bunch of pansies. Whining about outs and balls and bad calls. How about I take this ball and kick it towards your face?!? Huh!?! Yeah... that's what I thought.
7. MMA Fighters - Y'all aren't pretty but it's not really pretty that I'm after. I love the knowledge that my man could kick your man's ass. Puuurrrrrrrrrr!
8. Nail Techs - You don't talk much and you are always trying to upsell me on some solar polish but DAMN if you don't do brilliant work. I <3 you, for real though.
9. My Boobs - Sometimes, you weigh my shoulders down and make me feel like I'm carrying a watermelon, but I love you. We've been together so long that I kinda can't imagine life without you.
10. To All of the Relationships that Didn't Work Out - You were all bitches for treating me the way you did but you all taught me something too. Once, I learned that I was too forgiving. Another time I learned that it's ok to have bounderies. One of you taught me that in my deepest core I am NOT a Gold Digger and wouldn't allow someone to buy my dignity. Most recently, you taught me not to allow my mother to get involved. At the time we were together, I'm sure I hated you; I hate some of you still. But I learned from you, so, thanks for that.
Goals! But I'm Really Gonna Get All of TheseThings Regardless
Lose 10 pounds - Get a manicure and pedicure Lose 15 pounds - Get new sneakers
Lose 20 pounds - Get new bras Lose 25 pounds - Give baggy, saggy clothes to Goodwill Lose 35 pounds - Get new, sexy, OMG! I'm under 200 pounds outfit (maximum $200) Lose 40 pounds - Get facial Lose 45 pounds - Get new black sandals Lose 50 pounds - Get cable and internet in my apartment Lose 60 pounds - Get silky pajamas (1) Lose 65 pounds - Get sexy lingerie (1) Lose 70 pounds - Professional photo shoot Lose 75 pounds - Celebration party with all my friends
This Is Who I Would Like To Be... We Both Know The Truth
Buy a scale - you don't want to know what happened to my last one - CHECK
Weigh myself weekly
Take my measurements weekly
Drink a glass of V8 everyday
Have breakfast everyday
Join Weight Watchers - (?) or stay at the gym? very undecided
30 minutes of cardio daily
I am not a photographer. Even though I have artistic ability, it has never been fine tuned. If you see something on here that belongs to you, SPEAK UP, and, instead of being a piss ant about it and getting a lawyer, get in touch with me and I'll take it down.
If you don't like what I say, close the browser window and move on with your life.
I reserve the right to mule kick anyone who gives away my personal information, such as but not limited to, my real first and last name, my address, the city I live in, where I work, and how much I really weigh.
If you are a lawyer and you want to make recommendations about other things I should have in this disclaimer then inbox me and we'll talk. But it better be for free.