And this isn't an anger that's focused on just one area or being. I'm angry at everything.
I'm angry at myself: For keeping feelings bottled up inside that I know deserve to be set free. For being afraid to express my feelings for fear of losing something precious. For allowing the pain and sorrow to wash over me. For feeling shame at my own choices. For succumbing to failure. For making excuses. For letting others control me and my emotions. For failing to be true to myself.
I'm angry at my mother: For being selfish. For keeping secrets. For stealing precious moments with my grandmother. For acting as though she is the only one with anything to lose. For being passive-aggressive. For feeling entitled. For treating me like my life was, and still is, a burden. For being the first to find fault in others but the last to find fault in herself. For always finding a way to be condescending. For not acknowledging the wrong she has done. For jumping to negative conclusions. For never giving praise. For burdening me with her responsibilities.
I'm angry with God: For all of the pain and suffering. For being a lie. For letting the good and faithful die. For standing by while the innocent are destroyed. For giving much to those who have never earned it. For making some people weak. For forcing the rest of us to be strong. For taking the last that some have. For taking glory for all that is good. For deflecting the credit for all that is bad.
I'm angry with my uterus: For carrying a baby when my soul wasn't ready. For causing me unbearable pain. For possibly being unable to carry again. For not wanting to carry for me now.
I'm angry with Palmer: For not having the courage to take a chance on something new. For not having the sense to know a good deal when he sees one. For reneging on his offer. For not knowing his place in my life. For trying to be more to me than I wanted him to be. For being angry when I turned him down. For not being man enough to say what it is he really feels. For taking away my opportunity. For making a liar out of me.
I'm angry with my job: For being less than I deserve. For holding me captive. For wanting more from me than they've earned. For making me feel like I am less than enough. For degrading me everyday. For filling my heart with sadness. For making me hard toward the world. For making me skeptical of people's true intentions. For making me wary of tomorrow. For killing me slowly. For taking the best of me and using it in the worst way.
I'm angry with my money: For seeming less plentiful than it ever has before. For being essential to my well-being. For barely providing my needs. For running from me and landing nowhere. For not being enough.
I'm angry with my heart: For still being broken. For not knowing how to heal. For not wanting to heal. For bleeding for the weak. For breaking for the poor. For being so easily damaged. For growing harder daily. For forgetting how to love. For abandoning hope.
I'm angry with imitators: For not seeing this trait in themselves. For thinking that it's flattering. For hovering around others lives. For taking only the good parts of others. For not being secure in themselves. For making it hard for you to be yourself.
I'm angry with my father: For still not being around. For using my age as an excuse not to assist or provide. For being a mediocre adult. For being a weak person. For being a crier. For being able to help but not wanting to. For being given new opportunities. For being given free room and board. For teaching me not to trust others. For still choosing others over me.
I'm angry with people that judge me: For not knowing my reasons. For not having confidence in me. For thinking that everyone should be like them. For being intolerant. For accusing me of being selfish.
I learned a new word.
5 months ago