Only Because You Asked

Cake Betch was kind enough to put me on Front Street and call me out on my feelings for The Scorpio. Because she asked, I will answer. But know that I will still publish the other post I've been working on tentatively titled "If Game Recognizes Game, What Does Lame Recognize?". I know. It's a work in progress.

Now, I'm going to write something here that I wish I didn't have to write because I think it's a cop out. But when it comes to describing my relationship with The Scorpio this is the only phrase that fits: It's Complicated.

Do I love him? Yes. With my whole heart. (And if you ever tell him that I said it wrote it, I will deny it, fart on your face while you sleep and burn this post to the ground). But sometimes, my dears, love ain't enough.

We don't see things the same way.

I never ask for anything. I'm sure that's why I'm not as stellar at my job as I could be. It would require asking my boss for tools and/or deals and I'm just not gonna do it. If you want me to have something, you should give it to me, otherwise I will learn to live without it. He asks for everything. all. the. time. The Scorpio treats the universe like a personal Quik-E-Mart. If you say no, he's sure that someone else will say yes and he'll just ask them.

So basically, I end up giving and not getting. This is a problem. It's a problem because I won't say that I'm not getting. I just... change. I get eerily quiet. I walk much more softly. I lose interest in being around you. Because how long can you give and not get before the well runs dry? At some point it has to rain or there will be no more water. You see what I'm saying?

Then there are our personalities. I'm loud, spontaneous, outgoing, adventurous and generally up for anything new. I've been to four continents and daydream about the three I've yet to see. I live for change and he does not. He can't imagine living anywhere else but here. Even though his business would thrive out west or further south, he can't make himself do it. He's attached to everything while I'm attached to nothing. He thinks I'm flighty and I think he's stoic.

And it's really that last sentence that's the problem.

The Scorpio internalizes everything. He very rarely says how he feels or what he's thinking so I never know. I need to be told that I'm wanted and appreciated. That's what makes me feel loved. Without love, doubt creeps in and all of the little things that normally mean nothing suddenly mean everything. No relationship can survive with the hairline fractures in it's foundation.

So... we're friends. As friends we can laugh, have dinner, joke, and be completely open without the pressures of meeting each other's standards. Yeah, it's a cop out and I know it but what do you want from me? I don't have the patience to wait until he's sure that this ship will cross the ocean. I feel like he should know that I'm what he wants and he doesn't. At least he hasn't said it. And if he hasn't said it then to me it isn't real.

And by the way, I totally want a California King. My parents had one when I was growing up because my dad is 6'4". I'm so jealous of you and your quality sleep that it's ridiculous.

I'm Cranky Like Your Grandma

J-Bird didn't sleep well last night. Which led to J-Bird waking up at 10:30p, 1:30a, and again at 4:12 this morning. This led to J-Bird referring to herself in the third person like a douche, so we're just gonna stop that now.

You see, The Scorpio spent the night.

Wait. Let me back up.

He's decided that he wants to be a better man. Which is why he's making some real life changes and partnering with successful men. The Scorpio is finally getting serious about his dreams and goals for himself and accepting that all of this will tie in to his professional dreams and goals. I know because he talked a lot at dinner. Where'd we go? To a local Irish Pub chain, thanks for asking. I had the chicken fingers and onion rings with a glass of Malbec... because I'm classy.

So, we're in this pub and he starts to talk about how open they are to people of all backgrounds (provided you pass the background check), statuses, races, and creeds. He never knew something like this existed (cue my skeptical face because this is America for Christ's sake). But he's in love with an organization and I'm the only one who knows because I'm super smart and figured out the riddle without a decoder ring. Boom!

Then we start to talk about our relationship (as he is wont to do) and told me the biggest thing he thinks has changed about me (I'm more focused and know what I want) and wanted to know what I thought was his biggest change (he shows empathy and is more caring). But theeeen, he asked if I thought I could work things out with the guy I kinda dated before him but it wasn't really a relationship because it just wasn't. And I told him no. That the stuff that broke down between me and that guy just can't be rebuilt into a healthy, adult relationship.

And when he didn't ask about us, I thought I'd give him a piece of what he was asking for. The T-R-U-T-H about our relationship (my side of it) is that I never really believed that The Scorpio wanted to be with me. I mean, he messaged me on a social networking site. Everyone knows that's booty call material (have you seen He's Just Not That Into You)? I also told him that I felt like Charlotte did when she proposed to herself. Then I remembered that he's a guy and therefore doesn't have a trough full of Sex and the City episodes with which to compare his life. Let me set the scene.

One hot summer night, Nat came into town for the weekend and me and all the Party Girls were throwing her a celebration. I brought The Scorpio because I thought it was time. No, we hadn't talked about being official but we were always together and I wanted to be official. Meeting the friends? Totally official, right! The Party Girls didn't know what to do because I'd never brought a guy around before so this must have been serious. They all loved him. He and I sat in the door sill and watched everyone get drunk. I was tucked in his arms, looked up and said, "I'm not seeing anyone else. Do you want to see anyone else?". He shook his head no and that was it. That was all I ever got. Granted, my speech wasn't eloquent in the least but I was hoping for... something.

I spent all summer waiting for him to say that this was what he wanted but he never did. And as the days grew longer, my patience grew shorter and I started to question why I was with him anyway. We had other issues as well. His phone for one. His attitude toward everything. His perpetual lateness. His sense of entitlement. But when you're in a relationship where you don't feel like the other person is in it for you, all of the little things that are normally overlooked become glaring abnormalities that make you feel foolish and used. And when I got tired of being used, I lashed out and walked away.

He did not and has not responded.

There's definitely something missing between that conversation and this next one but I cannot tell you what it is. So, we will jump to where he told me that some girls have a problem with just being his friend and feel like they own him even though they don't. Like the girl that was talking shit to me on Twitter. My head snapped up and I was all, "Ummm... excuse me? What?". Because even though the chick mentioned me, I didn't get a notification. So he showed it to me and she's all "@JBird* @TheScorpio* get off his dick. so transparent". This made me angry so I told him that I had a video camera at my place and that I was prepared to "send this bitch tape" of me riding his dick.

I guess he didn't know I could be so evil. But he begged asked me calmly not to do or say anything to her because he doesn't want the drama. So, then I had a thought. I had been chosen. This excited me! Fast forward to him being at my apartment. I checked to see what K-Dubs was barking at and when I got back he was under the covers. I was tre' confused and asked why he was set up to spend the night when he told me that he just wanted to be prepared. I still don't know what for. Especially since it was only 9:45.

I put on The Other Bolyn Girl and he was snoring in about 3 minutes. But at 10:30, I almost fell off the bed because I had been laying precariously on the edge with my feet already hanging over the side. And at 1:30, I got hit in the face. So, at 4:30 when I woke up to him laying in the exact middle of the bed, with his head on my pillow, and his pillow tucked safely against his body, I was done. I woke him up gently and asked if he was ready to go home. He was in his own bed by 5. I should have gone back to sleep but instead I did a 45 minute cardio workout followed by 10 minutes of yoga.

Now, I'm exhausted. I've been up for way too long already. And part of me can't stop thinking about how he off-handedly mentioned that I should have stayed to see the second game on Sunday because I missed his touchdown. While the other part of me is like THIS DUDE SLEEPS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BED! I know which side I'm listening to though. It's the side that can't wait to crawl back into my bed... alone.

* Not our real Twitter aliases

Marry Me Already!!! (AKA Happenings From My Weekend)

This weekend was so refreshingly busy.

I spent some time with The Scorpio on Thursday. It started off rocky because I came very close to slipping into one of my sullen moods. But he's very perceptive and (apparently) hard of hearing so I when I tried to explain what was going on in my head his words of comfort made no sense and got me laughing instead. We also argued over the virtue of tipping your server. He doesn't believe in it. I used to serve. The discussion ended with me demanding that he either a) give me the money he owed me so that I could tip or b) use said money to do the tipping himself. I always win.

Friday? I don't really know what I did on Friday except for panic because my body was acting funny. I also fended off the Red Cross lady because my iron has been so low for the last 3 months that I've been deferred 3 times. I haven't gone back to my doctor about it though. I'm in that place of denial where I just don't want to know. Because if I know then I have to do something about it. And the last time she and I agreed to "do something" about it I ended up taking 3 pills a day trying to make my body right.

If you know me, then you know how I hate supplements and pills and Western medicine in general. I'm just going to work fitness back into my life, eat better (goodbye fried foods!), and manage my stress levels. I'm giving myself a 3 month hiatus from worrying about anyone that's not me. (Ha! I say that but it'll last about a day maybe a day and a half).

Saturday, I got up early and did my morning workout. I've started TurboFire and I really do love it. I also spent some time just snuggling with my doggie because I knew I'd be gone all day. By, 2p I was at my babysitting gig and ready to take over my charges. It was for a couple I've known for years and they've been going through some rough times as a family so my work was pro-bono. The mom and dad hadn't been out together in over 3 months and even I could tell that they needed some time alone. So, off they went and it was just me, their pre-teen (Brynne age 11) and their toddler (Jimbo age 3). Jimbo is newly potty trained and the discovery of his penis has been mon-u-men-tal. He showed it to me first thing and then I got to see his butt. CBS111 was right when she said having a straight face and a disinterested tone would save me from having to see it again unnecessarily. (Thank you!)

Brynne's been friends with April and Rebecca since kindergarten so she was kind of let down when I didn't have them with me. I promised that she'd get some time with them soon enough and made her start on her homework. It's not the most popular thing a babysitter can do but I needed her to be busy while I cleaned the kitchen. (You should have seen this kitchen! I can't stand dirty bathrooms and kitchens. Those are the two most important rooms in the house, people! Seriously!) After I gave everything, including the cabinets and trash can, a good scrubbing, we put our sweatshirts and sneakers on and took a bike ride to the park.

Jim peddled his big wheel the whole way to the park and only asked me to push him up the hills because "there must be something wrong with [his] wheels". It's cute, I know. But my back said that he needed to learn how to peddle harder. We got to the park and he played his heart out on the play equipment. Brynne was feeling melancholy and Jimbo had used the porta potty so I felt like it was time to go and get dinner started. No sooner than we get their bikes put away, my mom pulls up with April and Becca. Brynne about wet herself with excitement.

I got outvoted for pizza 4:1 (obviously, none of them know the value of a dollar) and they set to doing kid things while I finished picking up the play room. Rebecca, my buddy, my pal, my fellow *NSYNC lover, starts singing "Gone" and I'm taken back to Senior year when that album ruled my life and I still loved JC (before he started messing with Tara Reid). When Brynne yells out "OK, enough of the oldies!". I almost smacked someone else's child but instead tweeted it with the hash tag #GoneCameOutMySrYearAndImNotOldPunk. But I certainly felt old when I calculated how old I would be when they graduated in 2016, 2018, and 2019 (we won't even do the math on little man). *sigh*

They played themselves silly and we were all in bed by 10p.

Image found here

Sunday, I got up and made some fluffy blueberry pancakes with sugared-strawberries. The kids threw down and the adults had coffee and conversation. Brynne and Jimbo got ready for church and I hauled April and Becca home. I raced to take care of my dog and just made it to The Scorpios flag football game in time. I met two young ladies with the sweetest 3-year-old I've ever seen and we talked and laughed and had good conversation. When the game ended, I was ready to bounce but they told me that there was a second game. No way!

I asked The Scorpio and he said that indeed there was a second game and it was right now. Then he picked up the 3YO I'd been playing with. You know, the young ladies' niece. Oh. My. God. I'd been talking with his sisters (the two I don't know) for an hour. Then I started to notice things like how one of the ladies actually has his same eyes and complexion. Or how she'd been saying "Tariq this" and "Tariq that" for the last hour. Only she pronounces it "Tear-ick" and I've always assumed its "Tah-reek". I vaguely remember an adolescent who played catch with The Scorpio in the park when we dated way back when. But this kid? "Tear-ick"? He was at least 5'9" with a moustache! This can't be the same little boy who idolized my boyfriend.

And that other kid that looks just like The Scorpio did when he was 13, I am *just* now noticing him. I could feel the intense heat of his entire family burning a hole through me. I mean, you have to understand. Our relationship never got that serious. He only met my family because I was a transitioning into my mom's townhouse while she was buying her house. I've seen his grandmother but that's because he lives with her. I've never actually been inside the house. Having unknowingly spent an hour with his family, having them all stare at me like I'd sprouted a second head, and not having him as a buffer caused me to high-tail it out of there. And it inspired a short conversation between the two of us later. I just looooove how he can laugh at everything that causes me stress. It's so supportive.

Anywho, all I did after that was workout and laundry. My place has been cleaner lately so I didn't have any clutter or anything wearing on my nerves. All that to say, what did you do this weekend?

I Found Love In A Box

Last night, I drove 20 minutes out of my way for food. I know what you're thinking. "Tsk, tsk, tsk, J-Bird. I thought we were losing weight?". And you're right, we *are* trying to lose weight. But I'm grown and I do what I want, dammit! And what I wanted last night were great cupcakes. So, I went to Pink Moon.

They have short business hours but I managed to get there a half hour before close. And at first, I was so sad. There were all these beautiful cupcake plates and not. one. cupcake. None. They were all gone. I didn't want to ask but I think the look on my face said it all. The nice lady behind the counter promised me that they really did have cupcakes but they start frosting to order as they get closer to closing time.

There was one daily special left and it was the Dreamsicle cupcake. Now, in real life, I don't care for Dreamsicles at all. But I've never met a cupcake that I didn't like and I obviously was going to be part of an elite group so I bought it and two others. I drove home wanting to pack my mouth full of cupcakes during the ride but knowing that these cupcakes right here were special.

It was like Christmas in my kitchen

I'm gonna be real honest with you here. I touched my tongue to the sweet, tangy, soft, orange-y butter cream frosting and about lost my mind. That is why there aren't any photos to prove that the Dreamsicle cupcake exists. I ate it scarfed it while standing at my kitchen counter, rolling my eyes in the back of my head and moaning, "Mmmmmm...", "Oh my God" and "This is SO good!".

You make that much noise while eating a cupcake and people are bound to notice. So, when someone doesn't exactly asked you to share but definitely says that they look so good and that they'll have to remember to make it out there to the bakery. And when you know that they really want one of the other two cupcakes that you really should share because your mother raised you better. And after you've promised yourself that you will go back to Pink Moon and replace the cupcake you're going to give away. After you steel your emotions and talk yourself out of crying at the idea of giving away God's gift to baked goods. When you've done all of that, you offer them the chocolate chocolate cupcake - on the condition that you be allowed to take photos of the experience (and because giving them the Pumpkin Buttercream is completely out of the question).

Pumpkin Buttercream in the back; Chocolate-Chocolate in the front

Choc-Choc halved. There's a better pic but it won't upload

The thing about it is that no one (except maybe children) will agree to letting me put pictures of them on my blog. At least, not with a mouth full of cupcake (and a nose tip covered in frosting).

So, let me describe it for you in words.

The Pink Moon cupcake has to be broken down into it's succulent layers. The cake is a heavy, dense cake that is packed full of flavor. At first, you think it's too much because of the weight of the cupcake but as you can see from the sliced chocolate-chocolate cupcake, there's a good 1/2 inch of icing on there. When you bite into the cake it is moist and doesn't crumble but instead chunks. Yes, small bits of cake fall here and there. You will want to rescue them with a press of your index finger but (DON'T!) you'll only make it worse. The moisture in the cake requires that you use your index finger and thumb to retrieve the morsels. People will stare; you won't be sorry.

All cupcakes are frosted with a flavored butter cream frosting. It's soft and sweet and sticky. Pink Moon frosting is light and touched with just the right amount of flavor. The Dreamsicle frosting had an orange-y tang that took me back to the days of ice cream trucks and Saturday morning cartoons. It laid effortlessly atop the cupcake and moved easily when I pushed it around the cake to get coverage on the sides. The bit of chocolate frosting that I stole had hint of dark cacao and I'm sure paired perfectly with the dense chocolate cake.

At $3 a piece, I'd buy them again. Every day. For the rest of my life if I could afford it. Lucky for me, I thought ahead and have a Pumpkin Buttercream cupcake waiting for me when I get home tonight. If you're in Central Ohio and can make the time (and find the money), I recommend taking a short trip to Pink Moon Cupcake Bakery. It's totally worth it.

Livin' A Stainy Life

There are stains on my sweater. It kinda looks like I had a really juicy, exceptionally greasy hamburger and just let it run all down my front... and I don't care. Which is how I've been living my life the last few days. Just whatever happens will happen and I'm not in the mood to pretend to have control over it.

I have an ungodly amount of laundry that needs to be done and I have the money and time just not the motivation. There are 6 glasses and 3 pans in my sink that I haven't washed. Now, you would think that I'm allowed this because I washed everything else. But the truth is that I haven't cooked in over a week and those glasses are from the random drink of water I place on my nightstand every night. Classy, huh?

Side bar: Ohemgee, I spent SO MUCH MONEY this weekend! Like, yes, I paid all of my bills the moment my paycheck hit. And yes, I got the hair cut I've been talking about for over a year (maybe two). Sure, Klea has all her shots and got a new batch of flea treatment. But damn!, I spent a lot of money! Living is hard, you guys.



The Scorpio came over last weekend and I hadn't cleaned a thing. What he said was, "See! *This* is natural!". What I heard was, "OMG, you're an effing slob!". Same thing really. But since he didn't volunteer to take out the trash and left his apple core on my table, I'm sure that his place looks as bad or worse.

He and I are kinda fighting in that we're not really fighting because we're not a couple but there is a Mexican stand-off of sorts going where I don't acknowledge any of his extracurricular activities and he pretends not to notice. And he hasn't asked or offered to spend time with me so I pretend that I like sitting in my apartment by myself. Which, for the record? I very much hate spending time by myself. It's kinda creepy and I'm worried that some crack head is going to come through my window and stab me in the neck with a filthy needle. I should probably move.

But that's about it. I'm back to living my life like a recluse except I'm doing it out of I don't know why rather than depression or necessity. I just have all this energy that I want to get out but I can't do it by myself because that's just weird. I really miss having a roommate and just someone else in the house to keep all the weird noises at bay. I swear on everything I own that I heard footsteps in my attic! Which is insane, right? And they couldn't get past that lock I put on the drop door anyway. HahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Maybe I just need some sleep?

Are There Words Between Those Lines?

Lately, The Scorpio has been much more open. If that can even be said about Scorpios. They are notoriously silent. Which drives me absolutely insane! Because how I am supposed to know what you're thinking if you don't open your mouth?! But I digress.

The Scorpio has been much more open. Sunday night, we talked about our pasts. I rambled on through every relationship from age 14 to him and he just sat there in wonder. You might say that it was a bad idea but I don't think it was. It won't kill him to know where I've been. And depending on how he reacts to the information, I may decide to tell him how I got through it. Partial information is better than none at all, right?

Sometimes, I chastise myself for being so obsessive about everything. Sometimes, my obsession comes in handy. I'm not good at putting information together right away. Not that I'm slow or mentally handicapped, I just happen to take everything at face value.

For instance, CBS111 was telling me about a great part-time opportunity and she was so excited and I was totally bringing her down because I was giving her the weirdest face. How could she be excited about a customer service position? Didn't we deal with enough of other people's problems during the day? Why would she want to do this at night? I didn't say anything positive or negative because I checked out and couldn't put anything she was saying into context.

If she had told me that her part-time opportunity was in a pharmacy, then I would have been properly excited for her. I know that she's always dreamed of a profession in medicine. But she didn't say that, so I couldn't comprehend her excitement. Sure, she said that she had to wear scrubs. And yes, I knew that the woman she was referencing worked in a pharmacy but none of that came together inside my head. And when I (finally) realized what it is that she would be doing (only because I asked and she told me outright), I shared in her excitement.

That's pretty much how it works with me.

So, when The Scorpio said that he didn't notice me until he met my sister, my response was, "In high school? She would have been a freshman". He responded yes, he'd noticed me in high school. So I scoffed and was all "I was a Senior. Trust that I didn't know who you were". And then I proceeded with my original thought because he rudely interrupted me with his memory of the day he saw me. Don't get me wrong. My senior year was my only year at that school. (Technically, I got enrolled on April 11th of my Junior year but since I had to have my class schedule corrected twice and I walked to work immediately after school, the only person I knew was my guidance counselor.)

And like I said before, Nat started high school my senior year and I spent the whole first semester trying to ditch her. Not because I didn't love her but because I knew it had to be done. She'll remember it as me being too cool but even then she was my best friend. The problem was that I had so many credits that I would only need 2 classes in the second semester and I knew that. If Nat didn't make friends now, she'd be screwed when that time came. Plus, she's super timid and wasn't going to do it on her own. She needed the push. She joined a couple of sports teams and found her niche. My job was done.

I remember hearing The Scorpio's name in passing because of Homecoming but I know they didn't actually make it to the dance. And then she started dating the quarterback and I heard his name over and over and over again. Actually, some super petty girls were so jealous that they came to the restaurant I worked at to tell me that my sister was at Homecoming with the starting quarterback and I should tell my parents because he was not a nice guy. Hahahaha! Fat girls are a trip.

Anyways, it wasn't until three hours later when I was laying on my couch alone and already bored with the NCAA Championship game that I remembered what he said. He noticed me in high school. That was ten years ago. How can he remember that day so clearly when I can't even remember what I wore on our first date? Was it really that important to him? Why do I always catch on so late?

So, that's what I'm currently obsessing over. There are other things he's shared with me and I can say that I'm touched. It takes a lot of trust to get him to open up and I like that he trusts me (or is a really good actor). He told me some other stuff too but given his penchant for privacy I won't disclose them. I did tell him though that we could have been this close for a YEAR now and that I can't believe all that time was wasted. He tried to blame me for misinterpreting things but I told him I didn't want to fight about it. We're just going to say he was wrong and call it a day.

Total Control

I laughed so hard my side started hurting. It was unreal to me at first. Mentally, I knew I was ok but my panicky side tried to kick in because I wasn't breathing and what I was experiencing just wasn't normal. I was laughing uncontrollably. It's quite possible that I wet myself a little bit.

Why?

Because he wants Total Control.

It doesn't read as funny as it sounds in my head but I promise you that it is.

I have control issues. This is not a secret.

Yesterday, a good friend asked me if I found myself in relationships with weak men because I am so strong and forceful. I told her "No" and that's the truth. I don't find myself in relationships with weak men because weak men don't have the courage to approach strong women. I find myself in relationships with strong men who perpetrate weakness thinking that it will appease me.

There's nothing I hate more than to ask a man where he wants to go for dinner and to receive "I don't care", "I don't know", or "You pick" as the response. If I had wanted to pick, I would have said, "Let's go to such-and-such for dinner" or "I feel like blankety-blank". Because the same person that tells you that you're an overbearing bitch who won't let him be a man is the same person who defers every decision (major or minor) to you.

I can't "let" you be a man. Either you are or you aren't. And if you were the man for me, we wouldn't be having this fight.

The best relationship of my life was with a complete and utter asshole. I loved him inside and out for all that he was and all that he offered. I trusted him with every fiber of my being. And it was only because he could make a decision. When J said something would get done, it got done. When he wanted to do something, he made it known. If he was unhappy, it was expressed. There was no moping around being sulky and passive-aggressive; I don't have time for that anyway.

I didn't trust J at first either. I lived through a lot of bull shit before I met him including a broken engagement. He watched me swoon over Sofa Guy and when he'd had enough of my whining and complaining he said, "Oh dear God! You're not his girlfriend! You're just some girl that he's f*cking!".

It's safe to say that I lost my shit all over him.

I told him to get out, get lost, and never come back.

Two weeks later my phone rang. I picked it up without uttering a syllable and he said, "Was I right?". I told him he was. "I didn't wanna be". He told me that he wanted to be with me. That nothing and no one else mattered. J said that if I could manage to get my head out of my ass I would see that he was in love with me. This is not the stuff that movies are made of but it's the kind of love that I need.

He knew that everyday with me was a test. I was waiting for him to make a promise that he wouldn't keep. I weighed everything he said hoping to find a lie. But he never let me down. And when I finally let myself, I fell so head-over-heels-bluebirds-singing-come-on-get-happy in love that giving him control came easy. I wanted to please him because he made me happy every single day. I knew that if I fell he'd be right there to catch me and in the off chance that he missed, he'd be there to pick me up. Who could want more than that?

Am I saying that we never argued? No, of course not. But he always stood his ground and sometimes we'd walk away angrier and with nothing settled but at least he let me walk away.

So many men are so possessive and afraid of losing me that I want to run away. There's something powerful about a man that knows I'm coming back. Sure, I'm angry. Sure, I'm leaving the room. But don't you know that I want you? How many ways do I have to say it/ show it/ live it before you really believe it? J always believed it. His belief in me, in us, made me believe it to.

These last five years without J have made me a much harder woman than I was before. Trusting doesn't come easy and my love doesn't come cheap. There are more steps on the path to Total Control. But if you really think you deserve it and you really think I'm worth it, quit your bitching and get on the trail.