Unforgivable

I have 3 sisters and 4 brothers. None of them are 100% but in this family we say, "Either you're family or you're not". No qualifiers allowed. My sister that's just three years younger than me, Natalie, used to be my roommate. No one could understand how we could live together - and for so long; we lived together for almost four years. At first, it was great. We both had jobs that were sufficient to our lifestyles and were pulling our respective weight.

But this last time, she stopped participating - financially or otherwise. And I got tired of carrying her. So I gave an ultimatum: Get your life in order and make some changes or get out. She chose to move out. But in the midst of all of the drama her feelings got hurt. And apparently, I cannot be forgiven. We won't discuss how her current boyfriend is the same guy she dated for 5 years but they never celebrated her birthday. Or that the two boyfriends during their hiatus both cheated on her.
Never mind that they all received her forgiveness without asking.

I can't be forgiven because I'm family. I should never have done this to her. My response? I'm family. Not a bank. Not a loan officer. Not a shelter of any sort. However, that's how she managed to use me these last two years. When I confronted her with this, I was accused of being arrogant and condescending. According to her, she's managing her own life quite well. I told her that she's spoiled, selfish, irresponsible and entitled and until she makes changes in herself I don't want a relationship with her.

It's not that I don't love her; it's that I do love her. I feel that if I'd let Natalie continue to sponge off of me that she will never grow up and truly be responsible for herself and her own life. As a twenty-something myself, I know that the world is a cold, hard place. But I am working hard to maintain and she should too. Instead, she's now sponging off of our mother. Which you would think is not my problem but I get to hear about it. A lot. But I don't say anything in response to my mother's rantings. I'm sure that would be unforgivable too.

Unfortunately, I'm serious

Yesterday was a good day. I stayed so busy that I didnt have time to dwell on my issues. Helping my friend create the wedding reception of her dreams gave me a feeling of usefulness and satisfaction. Then I even help one of my besties move into her new home. It's gorgeous and I'll know she'll put her cozy spin on it in no time.

But then today happened. I'm on my way back to my mother's (it is almost Sunday and I'll be doing all of the cooking) when my car decides to crap itself. I hear a rattling and check the rear view to see white smoke billowing out behind me. I don't know what's wrong and even if I did, I don't have the money to fix it. Now, the car that gets me to the job that pays me so insufficiently that I can hardly make my bills might a) fall to pieces around me, b) burn to a crisp with me still in it, or c) just stop working all while I still have a loan on it.

In my world, there is no one to help me. My mother is unemployed and my father can barely make his frayed ends meet. Moving back in with either of them is not an option as I am not wanted by either of them (and I still have many months left on my current lease). As I sit here trying not to burst into tears, I have only one request to whatever entity may be controlling the universe. Just give me some time. Four months. After that, you can send the car to automotive hell.

Charlie Brown and Stuff

I wanted today to feel like a holiday. If only so I could stop with this ridiculous feeling of uselessness and sadness. But it didn't feel right at all. Instead, I spent most of the day following my mother around town gathering the ingredients for Thanksgiving dinner - which will be held on Sunday [I don't have time to explain]. When my mother finally showed up to her own house, I was already in the midst of taking care of the 9 animals currently in her home. That's when she informed me that she had nothing for our dinner, tonight or Sunday. Do you know what it's like to try and find pumpkin on Thanksgiving Day? Then count your blessings my friend. Because it is an adventure that no one should have to endure.

But all that is over now. We had our Thanksgiving Chicken (yes, chicken)and all the dishes are clean. I'm sitting here, watching A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and I can only say that I feel for the poor bastard. All he wanted to do was have dinner with his grandmother and now half the town is coming to his house for a free meal. Still don't know how he ended up doing all of the work, but hand to the sky it's happening. Eh. I wish I knew how to take advantage of people that way. Maybe then most of my problems would alleviate themselves.

This is what I mean

I received several invitations to other people's Thanksgiving dinners. Why? Because I'm absolutely pathetic, that's why. My father is states away (and I am certain that he wishes that I still weren't around - but I ruined that by hunting him down four years ago). My mother could never find "The One" and so there have been many. Which means that my siblings and I don't all have the same fathers. My youngest sisters, April and Rebecca, are with their father for this holiday. The sister immediately younger is still not speaking with me over a disagreement of sorts. Mom's Current Husband will work today because of his line of business. My brothers are scattered all over the globe because of their work in the service. And so, when my mother called to ask what I wanted for Thanksgiving dinner, I thought I was hallucinating because really, who would defrost, roast, and carve a turkey for two people? She would. She didn't want to be alone today and so I packed up my dog, three days worth of clothes, cancelled my training session, and drove here to be with her. But now... now I am alone. In her house. Because she forgot that I was coming over.

Thankful

Although I'm feeling especially melancholy, I have decided that today is the day that I will outline what I am thankful for.
* for having a mother and a father
* for my brothers and sisters
* for being employed and having a steady income
* for my loyal and loving dog
* for my car that starts every time I turn the key
* for freinds that care about me
* to have people that truly understand me
* for having loved someone with my whole heart
* for knowing that person loved me in return
* to have a warm place to call my own

Heavy Sighs

I wish today felt like a holiday. I want to be happy. But instead I feel this gloom inside threatening to overwhelm every second of my existence. It is not for lack of accomplishments or unrequited love nor for deep-rooted lonliness. No, I mourn for things unseen. The inevitability of future and the consistency of change. My soul cries out for time to stop turning. And in doing so, only wastes the precious morsels. The pain eminates from my belly and radiates to all those around me. The tension and self loathing is palpable. I need it all to end. I beg for it to leave me be. Because as long as it hangs around I feel as though I am a burden to all who know me. Which causes more pain. I would never want to be a burden. But I dont know how to stop.