Monday, March 21, 2011

I Scared Myself Straight

This weekend was cuh-razy!

So many things happened that could have been avoided but, true to form, I tackled them head on with my bow and arrow aimed for the gullet.

On Friday, I still hadn't found a way to be at peace with myself. I have a tendency to dwell on things and the episode with The Scorpio, blocking calls from my mother, dodging Averi, and not hearing from my brother were all weighing on me heavily. (Ethan is ok, I just haven't spoken to him in months. It makes me anxious).

I was driving along, minding the Mercedes in front of me. He was going 25 in a 40 and I had had enough. I waited my turn, put my blinker on, and changed lanes to the left all so he could cut me off and cross 3 lanes of traffic. I throw my hands up in the air, ask him what the fuck he's doing and glare in his direction. After he's made it from the middle right lane to the left-hand turn lane he glances into my car where I'm still scowling at him.

I drive another three lights and have managed to merge, with class and without incident, to the left turn lane. I've even turned by now. And I'm another two lights down this cross street when I hear someone yell into my car, "You got something you want to say to me?". I ignore it because I'm at the cool mall with the bus line and this won't be the first time I've been approached by riff-raff. But it's after he speaks again that I turn my head.

It's the Mercedes. I tell him to "...get away from me". There's no need for expletives in the first warning. He tells me that if I don't want trouble then I shouldn't do "that". Now I'm pissed. I roll the window all the way down and ask if he likes to teach lessons. I let him know that I'm a teacher too and if he doesn't have anything else to do on a Friday than to follow me around town, he can keep on because he'll get what he came for. He rolls his eyes and begins to mock me. I park the car and unbuckle my seat belt.

He doesn't know me. And I've forgotten who I am.

I reach around the back seat, grab my purse, and pull out the mace. I reach under the passenger seat and I'm getting the crowbar. It's when the car behind me honks that I remember who I really am and where I am. I'm ashamed of who I was about to become.

I was ten seconds away from becoming the girl that none of you know. The one who would never back down from a fight. The one who plans for the worst because she doesn't know that there's better. The girl who has all the wrong people on speed dial and makes sure you get that first, calm warning so that everything afterward can be justified.

I'm the girl who got into fights on the playground but had it excused because I got straight A's. The one who beat a freshman kid's ass in front of the Principal's office because he told everyone he had sex with my sister. I'm the one who walked back to her rapist's dorm with a gun. I'm the girl who left her drug dealing boyfriend but kept the inside contacts. I'm the girl who managed to do dirt but walk away with her hands clean.

I lived my life without fear. I didn't need to be afraid because I had nothing to live for.

This is where I should say that Jesus saved me but that would be a lie. Jesus didn't save me, love did.

Friday night I scared the shit out of myself because it occured to me that I was living like I had nothing to live for. And when you have nothing to live for you stop living. I don't want to lead a life where I merely exist.

But I've got to be my own hero because currently there's no one else here to save me.

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