How Does That Make You Feel?



Pic via Life of a Fire Wife but obviously a Peanuts cartoon

Soooo, I'm back in therapy. And to be honest, I feel much, much better as a person. I had stopped going because when I told my family that I was in therapy what I heard in response was, "You're not crazy!", "You don't need therapy, you just need to relax", "I don't know, Dude. Therapy is for people that can't handle their own shit". So, I stopped. Against my therapist's (and my own) better judgment.

My life without therapy has sucked so hard that I can't describe it without vulgarity*. The worst part is that I began to believe that I should be able to handle all of the problems I was having without assistance. Well, I finally came to my senses and went back to see my therapist. You know its bad when you want to hug the one person in the world who's paid to judge because you feel like they're the only one not judging you.

I got her all caught up on the latest goings on. I told her about my Gramma, my mom, my girl scout cookies, about April and Rebecca, about Mr. T, about Little T, about the Scorpio, about all the babies, about the month of February and its significance and pretty much wept like a newly freed hostage. It felt good.

She gave me some guidelines for my life, which I need because I live for rules. She validated all of my feelings including the ones I've been told I'm not supposed (or allowed) to feel. And she has put herself in the position of being my scapegoat. If she were a man, I'd swear this was real love.

My rules:

• No more baby showers - until she decides I'm ready. At this point, they're just unhealthy for me.
• No holding other people's babies - until I decide I'm ready. Which will most likely occur when I have my own.
• No more unreciprocated giving - with the exception being to charities. She feels like my inate desire to help is being taken advantage of by certain people in my life who feel like they're entitled to receive my help without respect for my schedule or limitations.
• No more doing what other people want and/or expect - I'm to do what I want when I want provided I'm willing to accept the consequences of my actions. This is actually working out really well and has taken a load of stress off.
• I must put myself first - It's the age-old argument that you're no good to anyone else if you're not taking care of yourself. So, I have to create my nest egg before I give anyone else financial help. I have to refuse to give someone a ride if I already have plans. I have to tell you to wait until Thursday for me to pick that thing up because that's when I'm next free and you just have to deal with that.
• I must stop taking on other people's problems - She has recognized a tendency for me to cloak myself in other's issues and burdens and recommends that I tell them to get a therapist like I have.
• I must be thankful for at least one thing everyday - Even if I make it up and it feels like a lie.

The good news is: I'm not crazy. Yes, I still have obsessive and addictive tendencies. Yes, I still judge myself and others too harshly. Yes, I still have underlying feelings of guilt for my accomplishments and achievements. I'm still stubborn, head-strong, and under value myself. But we'll deal with those things in time.

She's hoping that soon I'll allow her to venture into the realm of things I don't talk about. I admitted that the reason I stopped going to see her is because she was on to me. She's astute enough to notice that while I can (and will) talk for hours, I can (and will) talk to you about the most vacuous of topics and in the end have told you nothing at all. Now it's just a battle of the "will"s. Will I allow myself to be vulnerable and open up to her? Or will I hold myself hostage behind this gilded cage forever?

* It sucked harder than an 800-pound man trying to get oxygen after a full marathon. It sucked harder than a porn star with Hoover-type tendencies and no gag reflex. It sucked harder than your mom after a free meal at Red Lobster. (Bazinga!)