Monday, May 10, 2010

I Will Roast You


She didn't just recognize my voice, she recognized my tone.

My Saturday started like every other. I woke up like it was a Wednesday, walked the dogs, fed everyone, put on Winx Club, and laid my tired ass back on the counch until noon.

I got a text around 230ish from Nat asking if I wanted to go to a pig roast. What!?! Food? Fun? Random People? Yes, please! We couldn't go until 7 'cause Nat had to work but whatevs. Just more time to prep for Mom's Day. Which totally rocked the house by the way.

We get there at 7:46 on the dot and all is well. BBQ, beer, new friends: today is gonna be a good day. There's even one funny guy (The Viking) who grabs my attention and holds it by the reins. Now, I'm not delusional. I don't want him. He doesn't even live in this city. And since we're being completely honest, I've still got the Scorpio on the brain. Plus, he's a Scorpio and when he said that I could only think of my Scorpio. Who's much sexier with his chiseled abs and piercing green eyes. Mmmmmm... But nonetheless, this other guy, "Jeff Morris", asks me to come outside.

Have you ever been to a house party? Do you know what it means to wander off with someone? If you don't want rumors, then you don't go. I didn't like Jeff. His bouffant hair was ridiculous and his swag was non-existant.

So, I don't go until I tell The Viking that I don't want to go. So me, The Viking, Hostee's boyfriend, and Jeff are outside. They're smoking and I'm on the step asking Jeff what he wants. He just wants to talk. I go back inside. That's when Jeff approaches me again. "Just come outside", he says, "J-Bird, I just want to talk to you". So, I go. And this is where it falls apart...

Me (calm and leary): What?

Jeff: I'm just playing the Wingman.

Me (kinda angry): What?!

Jeff: My friend likes your friend so I gotta get you out of there.

Me (full-on angry): You suck!

Jeff: Huh?

Me (seething): You're a dick! I've been a Wingman before and Rule #1 is: Don't let your target know you're the Wingman.

I go back inside.

We're playing Shoulders. I would tell you how to play bu that involves pictures so you'd be better off just following the Wiki link. Finally, after 5 rounds and so much failure Nat has to pee. The Viking has to go too of course. Now, the whole time we're playing Jeff is standing in the kitchen across from me staring, making eyes, and giving me the head nod. My anger continues to boil because I'm sure I already told him to leave me the fuck alone. Boys never listen.

I go to pee and I see Nat standing there with The Viking in the doorway trying to seal the deal. I don't interefere. She's grown; she can do what she wants. I pee. They are still talking. When I get back to the party, Jeff is sitting next to my chair and there's this other girl actually in my seat. It's all good because I'm this close to cussing him out.

She offers to move. I decline. Why? Because I know myself. I know that I've been stewing since the convo outside. I know that if he looks at me wrong I'm gonna blow.the.fuck.up. That's when he opens his mouth and says, "Come on J-Bird. Sit by me".

Me (at the top of my lungs): FUCK YOU! Note to self: Next time you try to be a Wingman don't tell the girl that you're the fucking wingman. You're an asshole and you've got no game.

Jeff (little boy whisper voice): I never said I had game.

Me: Don't talk to me. You don't even know how to acquire a target. I've been a wingman; you suck.

Jeff: Why? Because my friend likes your friend?

Me: Because my friend is my sister. Next time do your fucking research.

(now facing The Viking) And you. Next time, get a real fucking wingman with game and your might actually get laid.

I give Hostee a hug and roll out.

Now, I know it seems like I was being a jealous bitch but what it really is about is the disrespect. How hard would it have been for him to hold a got damn conversation? Do you really think that you are so pimp that I won't get all up in your face and cuss you the fuck out. Because as he found out the hard way, I will whoop your ass in front of all your friends. He sat there like a little bitch while I stood between his legs and yelled in his face with the ultimate disrespect. The only thing I regret is that I had been drinking so my voice is a bit stripped now. That and maybe I should have told Nat early on so that I didn't have to sit there stewing and letting that punk get to me. Naaaaahhhhh... I liked embarrassing him. A lot.

1 comment:

  1. Holy mother of pearl, I'm losing it over here. I could picture that whole interaction. Beautiful. Just beautiful.


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