Dear Asshole Direct Cable SalesMAN,
Let me start by apologizing for not telling you upfront that I too am in sales. But let me deduce that you don't like to make sales. Or maybe you think that you have a captive audience. Perhaps you've never met anyone who had done their market research before approaching you. But you, Sir, have met your match in me.
Not only am I sure of what I am and am not willing to accept but I will not allow myself to be bullied by the likes of you. As someone who has gone without cable for over a year, let me assure you that there is nothing that you can say or do that will cause me to believe that paying $85 a month for moderate speed cable and 82 channels is something that I will put in my virtual wallet.
When I tell you to do better with pricing, I fully expect you to do better. If you cannot do better, then I expect you to say so. However, what I will not secede to is your offer for one free month of service. How can I pass up such a great deal? Because next month you will still be charging me EIGHTY FIVE DOLLARS!
And when I finally am willing to give in and pay $30 for Internet, I don't want your ridiculous bribe of free Showtime. Why the hell do I want Showtime! I don't want the 82 channels you're trying to force on me so why would I give you the key to Pandora's box of charges?
I know that its beyond you that someone with common fiscal sense would feel a need to call you. I know that you probably joined the cable industry because its such an easy sell. I mean, who doesn't need ESPN, Disney, Bravo or Lifetime? That's right. We all do. But , Mr. Asshole Direct Cable Salesman, let me assure you that I WILL have cable. I will have ESPN, Disney, Bravo, and Lifetime. It may take 2 weeks, 2 months, or 2 years but I'm willing to wait until another provider puts down roots in this one horse town.
And you should watch your back. Because when they come around I just might be willing to pay $90.
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