It's All About the Benjamins, Baby

Hello People!

This right here is my *with tunnelly affect* ONE HUNDREDTH POST!

As you can see, I am unnervingly excited. I have been thinking about this post since Post# 90.

I imagined all of the great things this post could accomplish like,

• world peace!


• the cure for cancer!


• the cure for Coyote Ugly Syndrome!


• the cure for Butterface Syndrome!


• where I declare that I have reached my weight loss goals!


• where I announce that I'm pregnant by the twin I resorbed as a fetus!

But it won't be any of that. This is the post of truth. Put your feet up, it's gonna be awhile.

1. I lost the password to my weight loss ticker about three weeks after I created it and have been too lazy to get a new one. I'm 3 pounds heavier than I was when I started this journey.

2. I spent my whole life being jealous of Ethan's relationship with my dad only to find out that my dad pretty much treated him the same way; it's Ethan's perspective that is different.

3. I took my Mom for granted up until I saw some other people's mothers in action and realized that I'm fat because I've always had enough to eat, I'm spoiled because I've never needed; I've only wanted, and I have so many opportunities because she instilled discipline in me. For all of that I am thankful (but don't tell her because I don't need her bragging).

4. I stopped going to the gym because I hated people looking at my fat jiggle when I ran. I was up to an 11-minute mile.

5. I like to sing and dance to Justin Beiber's "One Time".

6. I had a dream about my brother that was obscene and then stopped answering his calls for four days until I had fully recovered.

7. I like to crochet and knit. It brings me peace and gives me the feeling of accomplishment that I'm missing at work.

8. I am a selling master. I've been selling since I was 6 years old. I love the rush. I love the victory of the sale. I hate my boss enough to not bother.

9. Being fat is comfortable and it keeps the skeevy guys away. I kinda like it.

10. I would punch an infant for the last Thin Mint cookie.

11. I would rob a vault if it housed the last Thin Mint cookie.

12. I think Chuck Norris jokes are hilarious but I will cut you if you tell a "Your Mama" joke. Those are just offensive.

13. I want to be married but I don't want to promise anyone that I will put up with their craziness for the rest of my life. It's what we call "a catch-22".

14. There is a mental image of exactly what my babies will look like. I might love them less if they fail me.

15. I went to college to meet boys. My degree is a by-product.

16. I often want to french kiss smokers because I miss the taste of cigarettes.

17. Food tastes better now that I don't smoke.

18. Thin Mint cookies were always the chronic, but they are more minty now that I don't smoke.

19. I cry pretty regularly. It cleanses my soul palette.

20. I've told you way too much.

Love you, guys!! Thanks for reading my ramblings. Without you, I'd just be talking to myself.

Who the Hell ARE You?

I'm sure you know this about me already but I have a rather raunchy sense of humor. I learned how to crochet a vagina and gave it to a cousin as a gift with the tagline "This is as close to pussy as you'll ever get!".

BAAAAHAHAHAHHAAAHAHAA!!!!! (That still cracks me up!)

But at the same time, I will laugh at almost anything. Doesn't even need to be appropriate. The jokes don't need to be elaborate or even well set up. I just think everything is funny. This is why I like Chuck Norris jokes.

Correction.

I fucking LOVE Chuck Norris jokes.

I peruse the internet looking for them and when I find a side buster I share it with everyone. Some people twice.

My brother and I are so alike in so many ways that I thought that he too would have a similar sense of humor. Or at the very least he would like Chuck Norris jokes.

He does not.

Ethan, my hero, my big little brother, does not like Chuck Norris jokes. (Did you hear my heart breaking? Because it did. I died a little inside.)

Please believe that I tried and tried and tried.

I told him that Chuck Norris was why Waldo was hiding. That Chuck Norris doesn't use a condom because his sperm destroys fertile eggs. I told him that Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there's no life there.

He just looked at me with one raised eyebrow.

Maybe it was the way I started? What I said was, "Did you know that Chuck Norris didn't lose his virginity. He told it to get the fuck out!". And then I doubled over laughing.

I don't know what's wrong with him. These jokes are hiiiiiiiiiilarious.

But still, I'll leave you with some of my favorites:

Chuck Norris once at a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Julius Caesar once said, "Vini, Vidi, Vici". Translation, "I came. I saw. I got roundhouse kicked in the face."

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

And for extra flavor: Chuck Norris is Helen Keller's favorite color. <--- (Go ahead and laugh. We both know its funny).