It's All About the Benjamins, Baby

Hello People!

This right here is my *with tunnelly affect* ONE HUNDREDTH POST!

As you can see, I am unnervingly excited. I have been thinking about this post since Post# 90.

I imagined all of the great things this post could accomplish like,

• world peace!


• the cure for cancer!


• the cure for Coyote Ugly Syndrome!


• the cure for Butterface Syndrome!


• where I declare that I have reached my weight loss goals!


• where I announce that I'm pregnant by the twin I resorbed as a fetus!

But it won't be any of that. This is the post of truth. Put your feet up, it's gonna be awhile.

1. I lost the password to my weight loss ticker about three weeks after I created it and have been too lazy to get a new one. I'm 3 pounds heavier than I was when I started this journey.

2. I spent my whole life being jealous of Ethan's relationship with my dad only to find out that my dad pretty much treated him the same way; it's Ethan's perspective that is different.

3. I took my Mom for granted up until I saw some other people's mothers in action and realized that I'm fat because I've always had enough to eat, I'm spoiled because I've never needed; I've only wanted, and I have so many opportunities because she instilled discipline in me. For all of that I am thankful (but don't tell her because I don't need her bragging).

4. I stopped going to the gym because I hated people looking at my fat jiggle when I ran. I was up to an 11-minute mile.

5. I like to sing and dance to Justin Beiber's "One Time".

6. I had a dream about my brother that was obscene and then stopped answering his calls for four days until I had fully recovered.

7. I like to crochet and knit. It brings me peace and gives me the feeling of accomplishment that I'm missing at work.

8. I am a selling master. I've been selling since I was 6 years old. I love the rush. I love the victory of the sale. I hate my boss enough to not bother.

9. Being fat is comfortable and it keeps the skeevy guys away. I kinda like it.

10. I would punch an infant for the last Thin Mint cookie.

11. I would rob a vault if it housed the last Thin Mint cookie.

12. I think Chuck Norris jokes are hilarious but I will cut you if you tell a "Your Mama" joke. Those are just offensive.

13. I want to be married but I don't want to promise anyone that I will put up with their craziness for the rest of my life. It's what we call "a catch-22".

14. There is a mental image of exactly what my babies will look like. I might love them less if they fail me.

15. I went to college to meet boys. My degree is a by-product.

16. I often want to french kiss smokers because I miss the taste of cigarettes.

17. Food tastes better now that I don't smoke.

18. Thin Mint cookies were always the chronic, but they are more minty now that I don't smoke.

19. I cry pretty regularly. It cleanses my soul palette.

20. I've told you way too much.

Love you, guys!! Thanks for reading my ramblings. Without you, I'd just be talking to myself.

I Won!!! And so, I'll share my story.

Almost a month ago The Badass Geek held a contest in which I did not participate. It's not that I didn't want to, it's just because secrets are secrets for a reason.

However, there were only four entries in a contest with ten prizes! That means that fraidy cats like me got an opportunity to win something totally awesome without having to divulge our most embarrassing moment. And guess what? I won! Pretty soon, I will be the proud owner (and wearer) of one of these sweet little diddies. I mean, who doesn't love The Godfather?

courtesy of The Badass Geek

Now, I believe in fairness and it's just not right that I got something for nothing. So here goes... a mildly embarrassing story.

I was in Clearwater, Florida for my 21st birthday. With me were my sister and my two friends, Kim and Kimmie. Now, we're from the mid-west and even though we live in a metro area, this is still a small town.

Knowing that we were miiiiiiiles away from anyone we knew only fueled the fire we had burning. We were gonna hit this town hard. We picked the Sherpherd's Resort - right on the beach with a club right downstairs! Their club is the local hot spot on Friday nights. We had hit the freaking motherload!

All hotel guests get wrist bands to get into the club for free and because it was my birthday, we got cheap drinks. And when you're in Florida on vacation there are no limits. Which is why we entered the wet t-shirt contest.

There I am, standing on stage in all my white t-shirt, braless glory, drenched in nasty bar water, when I see my boss lurking in the shadows. Apparently, all mid-westerners have a desire to get out of the cold and flock towards the Sunshine State in mid-December.

The odds that you end up on vacation in the same state as your boss can't be more than one in twelve million. So, the same bar? Really? Only me...