- world peace!
- the cure for cancer!
- the cure for Coyote Ugly Syndrome!
- the cure for Butterface Syndrome!
- where I declare that I have reached my weight loss goals!
- where I announce that I'm pregnant by the twin I resorbed as a fetus!
But it won't be any of that. This is the post of truth. Put your feet up, it's gonna be awhile.
1. I lost the password to my weight loss ticker about three weeks after I created it and have been too lazy to get a new one. I'm 3 pounds heavier than I was when I started this journey.
2. I spent my whole life being jealous of Ethan's relationship with my dad only to find out that my dad pretty much treated him the same way; it's Ethan's perspective that is different.
3. I took my Mom for granted up until I saw some other people's mothers in action and realized that I'm fat because I've always had enough to eat, I'm spoiled because I've never needed; I've only wanted, and I have so many opportunities because she instilled discipline in me. For all of that I am thankful (but don't tell her because I don't need her bragging).
4. I stopped going to the gym because I hated people looking at my fat jiggle when I ran. I was up to an 11-minute mile.
5. I like to sing and dance to Justin Beiber's "One Time".
6. I had a dream about my brother that was obscene and then stopped answering his calls for four days until I had fully recovered.
7. I like to crochet and knit. It brings me peace and gives me the feeling of accomplishment that I'm missing at work.
8. I am a selling master. I've been selling since I was 6 years old. I love the rush. I love the victory of the sale. I hate my boss enough to not bother.
9. Being fat is comfortable and it keeps the skeevy guys away. I kinda like it.
10. I would punch an infant for the last Thin Mint cookie.
11. I would rob a vault if it housed the last Thin Mint cookie.
12. I think Chuck Norris jokes are hilarious but I will cut you if you tell a "Your Mama" joke. Those are just offensive.
13. I want to be married but I don't want to promise anyone that I will put up with their craziness for the rest of my life. It's what we call "a catch-22".
14. There is a mental image of exactly what my babies will look like. I might love them less if they fail me.
15. I went to college to meet boys. My degree is a by-product.
16. I often want to french kiss smokers because I miss the taste of cigarettes.
17. Food tastes better now that I don't smoke.
18. Thin Mint cookies were always the chronic, but they are more minty now that I don't smoke.
19. I cry pretty regularly. It cleanses my soul palette.
20. I've told you way too much.