Lately, I've been spending a ton of time at home doing all sorts of homemaker-y things like crocheting winter hats and scarves, making applesauce, canning said applesauce, and planning my garden. The level of time I've spent away from other people is intense. This makes for what can be considered a boring life. At least there's nothing going on for me to write about. Which unfortunately gives me tons of time to reflect on the way I used to live all raucous, drinky and pukey. Aaahhh... good memories.
Anyway, on the drive in to work this morning, I remembered a story from my college days...
***************** fairy tale music and pixie dust ***************************
It was the spring of 2002 and Spring Quarter was in full swing. It felt so good to be wearing open-toed shoes and no coat! I had been drinking since my last class ended at 4:30p and it was now bedtime for reasonable people. I won't deny that I was schwasted and probably couldn't have gotten myself home if I wanted to but I was cognizant enough to know what I was afraid of: truckers, bugs, my stalker, and snakes. Definitely snakes.
We, my roommate and I, were at a house party in some dude's apartment. I can't tell you who invited me because that was never important. I've always been that person that will accept every invitation and make a solid effort to attend all events because you never, ever want to be forgotten. (It's hard to get back into circles that you've pulled yourself out of.)
She was off playing beer pong with the last few guys that were still there. Most people had hooked up and dipped out. I had no plans to hook up with anyone but she wasn't ready to go yet. She didn't get out much and didn't often get hit on so she would take full advantage of my shenanigans.
I was obviously drunk and was standing in the front room looking at an aquarium with no water trying to find the fish when a deep voice asked me what I was doing. I spun drunkenly and fell into him. He was so cute or I was that drunk. He caught me and said,
Nick: I'm Nick.
Me: I'm J-Bird.
Nick: What are you doing?
Me: There are no fish! *exaggerated arm movements*
Nick: Yeah, it's a terrarium.
Me: A-whuuuuuuttt? *squinty-eyed and scrunchy-faced*
Nick: It's not for fish. It's for turtles and stuff.
Me: Pssshhh. How would you know?
Nick: It's mine.
Me: Whuuuuuuutttt? *excited-faced and way too happy*
Nick: Yeah, see? There he is.
Me: Mmmmmmm. *swaying and trying to stoop*
Nick: I've got a snake too.
Me: Ew-ah! I hate snakes.
Nick: You'll like this one.
Nick: Come on, it doesn't bite.
Me: Where is it? I don't see it. *still stooping and squinting into the terrarium*
Nick: It's upstairs.
Me: Oh! No!
Nick: Come on. I won't let it get you.
Me: Nooooo!!!! Roommate! ROOMMATE! *stagger running*
Nick: Where are you going?
Me: *grabbing roommate and ready to cry* Roommate! We. Have. To. Go! WE HAVE TO GO!
Roommate: What's wrong?
Me: He has a snake! *hyperventilating* He. *breath, breath* Nick. *breath, breath* He. Has. A. SNAKE!
Roommate: *laughing* I don't think he really has a snake.
Me: Yes! He said! He has a snake. It's upstairs. *breath, breath* He tried to get me to go see it. *doubled over* Oh, God! Oh, God! I can't be here. I can't be here with snakes!
Roommate: Are you going to be ok?
Me: Oh, God! *awesome display of vomit*
The next day, Roommate was kind enough to recall the previous night's events and assured me that Nick didn't have a real snake. "Boys in college", she said, "sometimes refer to their penis as their 'snake'. I think that guy wanted to sleep with you. But don't worry, he's not gonna call you or anything".
********************fairy tale music brings us back *******************
And that is how my fear of snakes kept me from getting an STD.
No Laughing Matter.
2 months ago