Where Has the Time Gone?

We are less than two weeks into the new year and I'm not making much progress on my resolutions. Firstly, I can't begin to tell you if I'm losing weight because I have yet to go and purchase a scale. And it's been so long since I've been to the gym that I'm afraid to show my face because the last thing I said to my trainer was, "It's winter. Who cares if I get fat? No one can see it". But I know he'll see it. I SEE IT! I can't fit into my jeans. My $100 jeans!! Dios Mio! What have I become?

On the bank front, I have begun some research. And let me just say that banks, as a whole, suck major butt. It's like none of them are any good anymore. And credit unions are ass hats too. They want to be major players (and charge like they are) but they don't have half the perks of the big boys. So, I've got it narrowed down from the hundreds of options out there to like... 6. 6! Sigh...

Travel is looking up. I've decided that my trip will be to visit both my Grandmothers. They live in the same city, less than 15 miles from each other. I just can't stand Grandma S. She's so mean. But with my bro as a buffer, I should be fine. And I want to visit Ethan in Oki. But we'll see on that. I don't think my pockets are deep enough for that.

On the craftiness front, I am ahead of the game. I'm working on this winter wolf cross stitch that is going to be bad ass when I'm finished. Someone offered me $5 for it. I told her to save her breath. The materials cost $15 and I'll have major hours in it. And I bought a calligraphy kit.

I wanted to go to church yesterday but I was sick. I still am sick. But that's still a priority and I'm hoping to make it to a mid-week service of some sort. I'll keep you updated.

Love? NFL is gone. He lied. We didn't spend NYE together. I yelled. He hasn't called since. 'Nuf said.

To revisit the idea of having a theme day. I will make mine on Wednesday and it will be my day to weigh in. I have decided to keep track of my progress on this blog. Only God can help us now.

Well, TTFN.

Resolutions

Last year was all about my finances. Making more money while pinching pennies to pay down your college indiscretions is hard work. It will also stress you out to the brink of no return and cause you to make some (sometimes very) bad decisions. Although I didn't reach my goal of being completely debt free I did manage to get extremely close and will be debt free by April 2010. My credit? Well, that still needs some time to recover.

This year, I have decided that I am going to work on Physical Me. Or at least the Me on paper. You know? Dating Profile Me? That needs some work. Because men can't see that you have paid off all your student loans. They don't notice that there's only one credit card in your wallet and it has no account balance. It's not obvious to them that you learned to knit and became disarmingly familiar with $1 movie rentals so that you could one day wake up and owe nothing to everyone. Instead, men have a tendency to look at your ass as you walk by, and mine has been widening steadily.

So, here are my resolutions in order of importance to me.

1. Lose 50 pounds ~ roughly 1 lb a week. Which is more than reasonable and can be done with sufficient strength training.

2. Save $300+ a month (starting April 2010). I'm already living without it as I'm pouring all of my income into debt reduction. And really $300 is less than half of what I'm putting into my debts, so really... this is no thing.

3. Find a new, better bank. This will involve research on my part. But it's necessary because I'm getting the shaft by my current bank. I enrolled through work and I'm getting no perks. None. Not to mention they were bought out in last years fiscal crisis, so basically, I'm getting it royally with no vaseline.

4. Budget wisely (and follow) in an effort to live better and prepare for the future. The biggest mistake I made this year was not thinking and planning before I leapt into my debt reduction program. I did not save or leave any room for error. Thankfully, I haven't had any 911s (yet).

5. Become more crafty. Yes, I'm already a young June Cleaver. Go ahead. Mock me. I find peace in crafts. Not to mention that people love hand-made gifts. One of the girls at work had her miracle baby and I made her a birth announcement. For me, it was solace. For her, it was... More. I can't even explain the light in her eyes but it made me feel good. So, I want to do more of that this year.

6. Join a church and begin giving again. This is another selfish one. A) It will get Grammy off my back. B) It will allow me to meet more people and network. C) I will feel like I belong somewhere again. D) Mr. Right may actually be there (I've already looked everywhere else).

7. Open myself up to receive love. Let's just say that I was "cautiously optimistic" in 2009.

8. Look for a more fulfilling career. I feel like I am at a stand still at my current place of employment and I can't stop wondering if there is more out there.

9. Buy new furniture. I still have my 13" tv from college and a hand-me-down bed that even the dogs can't get a good night's sleep on. It's time.

10. Go on at least one real vacation out of this state.

11. Get my car working properly. (Maybe I should move this one up?)

12. Work my MLM business.

There you have it! My goals for 2010. I'll keep you posted on how this all works out.

My First Letter to You

I wish I could tell you about all of the great things that happened over Christmas but that would be farcical. So much went wrong. And I feel like a total whiner and Debby Downer but I can't walk around with this on my chest anymore. So, I'm writing a letter to the only person that will hear me without passing judgment or offering advice and sympathy.

Dear Baby,
I know that you're not here yet and the entire concept of sending you a letter could be perceived as ludicrous, but I need to tell you some things and make you some promises. The first thing I want to say is that I want you more than my next breath of air. My whole life I've imagined what you would be like and how you will grow. And it may seem silly that I continue to wait but it's because there are some very important decisions that have to be made for you that only I can make.

The first is who your father will be. I want to get this right, Baby. I can't tell you how hard of a decision this is turning out to be. Because no matter how much I want to hold you and love you and make you feel special, I need to know that the man I choose will make you feel that way too. I'm looking for the man that wants you as much as I want you and I promise that you'll know when I find him.

I promise that you will grow up in a house filled with respect and love. Big giant helpings of it. I won't make you feel afraid to fail or make mistakes. Instead I'll teach you how to get up and how to push on. You will never feel like your worth is tied to what you can do for me. I will never put the burden of our family's survival squarely on your shoulders. You will never worry about your next meal or where you will lay your head.

I promise that you will grow up with traditions. They may not be huge like an annual scuba diving vacation or celebrating Christmas in Europe. But there will be something that you can carry with you your whole life. That one thing that you know will always be there. I want that for you. The security of knowing that if all else fails this one thing will still be here when you wake up.

I promise that you will not fear me. Because you don't gain respect through fear but through compassion. I'm not saying that you won't get in trouble or be reprimanded when wrong. But you will know that I'm doing it to teach you and keep you straight. And you will receive my love and support more than you receive my anger and frustration. I plan to smother you in hugs and kisses, to curl up under blankets watching movies, and teach you all the life skills I had to learn on my own.

I promise that no matter how far you stray or how long you're gone that you can always come home. I will leave a light on so that you can find your way back. Because I know that I can't keep you from getting lost and I can't stop you from going your own way, but I can sit on the porch and be here when you get back. And I always will.

I promise you that at the end of a hard day when everything else has gone wrong, you can sit and tell me all about it. I might tell you what I think about the situation but I won't be mad at you for your choices. I will let you speak. Let you free your mind. I will be your sounding board.

And finally, I promise you that even if I make all the wrong choices for you; if I choose the wrong man to be your father, the wrong name for you to live with forever, the wrong school district for you to graduate from, if I never buy a house for you to come home to, if the whole world burns down to the ground around us, you will always be first in my life. There is nothing and no one that can take that away from you.

Baby, sweet Baby, I promise all of these things to you. And I can only hope that they are enough to get us through. I'm still so excited for you and can hardly wait until the day that we're together.

With All My Love,
Mommy

Words Were Not Enough

Today, my mother's husband decided that he was going to take his Lexus back. Yes, he bought her a Lexus and yes, they have been having trouble but it's not what he did, it's the way he went about it.

You have to understand that my mother and her husband live in seperate houses. Neither wanted to sell or rent out their house (even though it would have brought in a considerable amount of income) so they literally have two residences. He doesnt contribute to hers and best believe that she doesnt contribute to his.

This morning I was awoken with wailing, "[Me]! He took the car!". I immediately want to call the police because I have no idea what she's talking about. But apparently, he had the foresight to 1. Catch a ride (because he didn't leave another car in the Lexus' plae) and 2. Leave a note ([Mom], I have the Lexus., [Douchebag]. P.S.~ I shall call you later on. I'm going to Y.).

Did she call the police? No. Did she call him and give him what for? No. Instead, she sat and stewed, pouted, and seethed for 14 hours. Fourteen hours. It was quite ridiculous. Actually. This is quite ridiculous.

Because it's not over. He called my younger sister's cell phone and asked her to tell Mom that he wants to pick up his brother's things. Now, there are two crazy parts to this voice message. The first is that my sister, April, is eleven. God only knows why he would bring a child into their mess. Secondly, the message came seven hours after he had stolen her vehicle and left her without transportation.

Her message to him was that if he dared bring his "selfish, theiving ass" back onto her property she'd have him arrested. The kicker is that he's a cop but still her message was uncalled for. I can't tell you the snarky things I said to her because really, I kept it all to myself. The only thing I said to her is that she is not allowed to discuss any of this with or around April and Rebecca. You would think that I wouldnt have to set those boundaries for her but you'd be wrong.

All this on the day after Christmas. Coupled with NFL not calling for the last two days and words escape me.

Anyhow, Merry Christmas to all and I wish you all a good night.

Cherry Mistmas!

Everyone should get exactly what they want for Christmas. I know I did. I got several things actually.

* Kick ass brown shoes my sister
* A phone call from my brother overseas
* A call from my Daddy
* A birthstone necklace from Grammy
* Floods of Christmas texts
and a voice message from someone new :)

Hoping you got everything you wanted and nothing you need!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

What am I doing?

I finally came up with a catchy name for my weekly dose of good news. It will be (insert drumroll)... non-existent. I've decided that this blog will be dedicated to whatever I'm feeling at the moment. I shouldn't box myself in to being thankful just one day a week. I'll be thankful whenever I please. Like today, for instance.

We will call today a Wistful Wednesday.

I've spent most of the last two days fantasizing what life would be like with NFL. Could I quit my job? Would we have babies? Could he really love me forever? I know it seems silly but that's what it is. So that's what today is. Wistful Wednesday. Wish me luck!

8 Things...

8 Things I'm Looking Forward To:
1. Singing songs with the family on Christmas Eve
2. Eating ham
3. Making Christmas cookies
4. Unwrapping presents
5. Seeing my daddy next year
6. Ethan coming home in March!!
7. Celebrating the New Year
8. Being free from debt in April 2010!

8 Things I Did Yesterday:
1. Woke up late
2. Panicked over Ginger's limp
3. Avoided folding the clean clothes
4. Visited K and picked out cute dresses to borrow
5. Worried that I'm not good enough for NFL
6. Got over my worries and realized that he's one lucky bastard ;)
7. Set up Wilbur's space
8. Watched Christmas movies

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:
1. Not worry about money
2. Fit into a size 6
3. Find the love of my life
4. Vacation in Greece
5. Say "No" and mean it
6. Relax
7. Accept gifts graciously
8. Believe in miracles

8 Things I'm Thankful for:
1. Friends like K
2. Friends that still come over
3. Family - even both sides of my crazy one
4. Friends who don't judge me based on my crazy family
5. Love
6. Life
7. My craftiness
8. My jeans