Monday, December 28, 2009

My First Letter to You

I wish I could tell you about all of the great things that happened over Christmas but that would be farcical. So much went wrong. And I feel like a total whiner and Debby Downer but I can't walk around with this on my chest anymore. So, I'm writing a letter to the only person that will hear me without passing judgment or offering advice and sympathy.

Dear Baby,
I know that you're not here yet and the entire concept of sending you a letter could be perceived as ludicrous, but I need to tell you some things and make you some promises. The first thing I want to say is that I want you more than my next breath of air. My whole life I've imagined what you would be like and how you will grow. And it may seem silly that I continue to wait but it's because there are some very important decisions that have to be made for you that only I can make.

The first is who your father will be. I want to get this right, Baby. I can't tell you how hard of a decision this is turning out to be. Because no matter how much I want to hold you and love you and make you feel special, I need to know that the man I choose will make you feel that way too. I'm looking for the man that wants you as much as I want you and I promise that you'll know when I find him.

I promise that you will grow up in a house filled with respect and love. Big giant helpings of it. I won't make you feel afraid to fail or make mistakes. Instead I'll teach you how to get up and how to push on. You will never feel like your worth is tied to what you can do for me. I will never put the burden of our family's survival squarely on your shoulders. You will never worry about your next meal or where you will lay your head.

I promise that you will grow up with traditions. They may not be huge like an annual scuba diving vacation or celebrating Christmas in Europe. But there will be something that you can carry with you your whole life. That one thing that you know will always be there. I want that for you. The security of knowing that if all else fails this one thing will still be here when you wake up.

I promise that you will not fear me. Because you don't gain respect through fear but through compassion. I'm not saying that you won't get in trouble or be reprimanded when wrong. But you will know that I'm doing it to teach you and keep you straight. And you will receive my love and support more than you receive my anger and frustration. I plan to smother you in hugs and kisses, to curl up under blankets watching movies, and teach you all the life skills I had to learn on my own.

I promise that no matter how far you stray or how long you're gone that you can always come home. I will leave a light on so that you can find your way back. Because I know that I can't keep you from getting lost and I can't stop you from going your own way, but I can sit on the porch and be here when you get back. And I always will.

I promise you that at the end of a hard day when everything else has gone wrong, you can sit and tell me all about it. I might tell you what I think about the situation but I won't be mad at you for your choices. I will let you speak. Let you free your mind. I will be your sounding board.

And finally, I promise you that even if I make all the wrong choices for you; if I choose the wrong man to be your father, the wrong name for you to live with forever, the wrong school district for you to graduate from, if I never buy a house for you to come home to, if the whole world burns down to the ground around us, you will always be first in my life. There is nothing and no one that can take that away from you.

Baby, sweet Baby, I promise all of these things to you. And I can only hope that they are enough to get us through. I'm still so excited for you and can hardly wait until the day that we're together.

With All My Love,

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts with Thumbnails