Monday, February 7, 2011

Check, Please!

Ed note: I had such a good weekend it was ridiculous. I'll be telling you about it in broken parts and I'll try to remember to link back and forth between posts to make it even more confusing.

This is obviously a Disney pic but I found it here.
Some people don't know why they're single. And to those people I say, "That's a shame". Because people like me, who know why they're single, dont' have time for people like you. I'm single because I've stopped trying.

Fat jeans, sneakers, and ponytail holders have replaced my skirts, pedicures, and makeup. It's totally my fault. I'm sure that if I updated my wardrobe and changed my attitude I'd be surrounded in penis. That's just the way it is. It happens every summer.

But this dude, Peter Pan, he doesn't have a clue. Or a chance in hell with me for that matter. And it's all Averi's fault.

I went out with the girls on Friday and after all those shenanigans, Averi and I went to our favorite billiards place. I'm a military baby (and a teeny bit paranoid) so I always scan, count & plan.

Scan - the room and identify exits, patrons and threats.
Count - the number of males versus females, potential hazards and routes for escape.
Plan - who you will get to know, who you will avoid, where you will set up camp and how to get out if things go wrong

It sounds complicated but with enough practice, it becomes a very simple and standard part of your life.

So if you ever see me on the street and I haven't acknowledged you, know that is most likely by choice - which isn't something that Peter Pan had figured out.

It was 1:15AM and Averi was still thristy. I had planned to be asleep by then and told her that departure was 30 minutes away.

Averi: I want another drink
Me: *sigh* I'll get it.

I went and had a small convo with the bartender where I had to convince him that making two Sprites and a water were not beneath him and that I planned to compensate him for his time. He laughed softly but told me that it was OK because he saw me earlier waiting at the bar when all I really needed was a band-aid because Av had scraped her knuckle on some filthy surface. And since I never yelled his name or stomped off in a huff, he figured this would make up for my insane amount of patience. We had a playful struggle over whether or not he'd accept my five dollars and when I finally got back to Av all she had to say was, "I'm gonna go smoke". All I could think was, "Again? She is so drunk".

I could see the shift in my left periphery. I could smell the sweetness of his cologne. I thought I was home free until he sat down on my right-hand side.

Oh, shit.

Peter Pan: Hi. I'm Peter.
Me: Hi, Peter.
PP: I prefer to be called Pierro.
Me (totally confused): Umm... then why didn't you just introduce yourself as Pierro?
PP: I'm an only child and I went to an all boys school so I dont' know how to talk to women. It's hard for me to do this right now. But your friend said you were a good woman.

Ah, Jesus Christ, Averi! You and I are going to have a serious fucking conversation when you sober up!

I don't even remember the rest of what he said except that he's from Ghana. I have kinda sworn off Africans for the rest of my life. Rest assured that he knows nothing about me because he doesn't listen. But he did get my real phone number because Av called me out. (Av: Girl, I thought you changed your number!)

And so the text messages began.

I excused myself to get Av so I could remind her how real friends cover for each other and don't throw each other to the wolves. While we're talking I receive PP Call 1 at 1:31AM where he goes to voicemail and has the audacity to leave a two and a half minute message. (This is a problem). That's swiftly followed by PP Text 1 at 1:36AM of: "Did I see ur friend n is she ok". (This is not cute to me).

I ignore his contact attempts because I'm walking back through the bar with Averi to leave. He follows us out. I kill Av with my eye darts. We get in the car and I get PP Text 2 at 1:52: "I like ur smile keep it up".

Me Text 1 - 2:01: Awww... thanks. ---> Beacause really. WTF does that even mean?

PP Text 3 - 2:39: R u girls home safely <--- I'm not even kidding when I say I HATE TEXT SPEECH. And the lack of punctuation makes my eye twitch.

Me Text 2 - 8:07: Yes, love. We are. I got her home before 2A and I was asleep before you sent this message. I hope you have a great day today. <--- See. I don't yet know what a pain in the ass this dude is gonna be.

PP Text 4 - 8:39: Gudmornin dear

PP Text 5 - 10:46: Hi Jbird how r u doin hope to hear from u today

Me Text 3 - 10:49: I'm good. Just laying low today. Lots of chores & errands to do. Then I'll do some reading. How are you? <--- I was being SO serious. I had lots to do on Saturday.

PP Text 6 - 10:55: Relaxin do my homewk n go for church meeting at 3pm

Me Text 4 - 11:00: Good luck w/ your homework. I always hated it. Church on Saturday? Hmm... <--- I'm still trying to be nice. I don't want to be a bitch within 12 hours of meeting him.

PP Text 7 - 11:03: Youth meetin on Saturday n music rehassal cos I play de whole set of drums

Me Text 5 - 11:04: Oh wow! That's great! Have fun today. <--- I think it's over. But it's not. It's not even close to over.

PP Text 8 - 11:05: Wen do I get to c u again

Me Text 6 - 11:06: How's Wednesday?

PP Text 9 - 11:07: Wat time dear <--- I'll be damned!

Me Text 7 - 11:09: Let's say 730. <--- I'm a wee bit ticked at this point.

PP Text 10 - 11:13: ok dear but where do we meet

I get angry. I know I said I was busy and it has occurred to me that I've spent half an hour playing this stupid game with him. All so that he can play the ass and have me set up the date. Aw hell naw!

Me Text 8 - 11:14: I'll let you decide. <--- sarcasm everywhere!

PP Text 11 - 11:17: Ok I will let u no as days go by <--- I have decided he is a waste of my time.

Me Text 9 - 11:19: I can hardly wait. <--- Not only have I forgotten that sarcasm doesn't translate through text but I am absolutely sure that this conversation is over now. Right?

PP Text 12 - 11:22: I no cos am yearnin to c u again

WHOOOOOOOAAAAA!!! Yearning? This is most definitely NOT the verb for this situation.

PP Text 13 - 12:13p: R u doin ok

Me Text 10 - 12:14: Yeah. Just getting stuff done. Going to the salon @ 3p. Lots to do before then. <--- I'm beginning to lose my patience.

PP Text 14 - 12:16: Take it easy n ejoy (<--- not a typo on my part) ur weeken talk to u later

Me Text 11 - 12:18: I never take it easy. Always reaching for a goal; hustling. You have a good weekend too. We'll talk next week. <--- "Next week". Now this conversation must be over for I have ended it.

PP Text 15 - 12:17: Ok

PP Text 16 - 3:30p: How is ur day so far <--- I'm in the salon getting my manicure and telling mom and Nat about his craziness. I will not respond.

PP Text 17 - 6:00 - Hi <--- This ninja is gonna make me lose it all over him!!

PP Text 18 - 6:03: R u ok <--- Averi is dead to me.

I promptly post on her facebook that she and I will have a sit down on Tuesday so I can berate her in person before I have to meet Peter Pan and lay him out. To which she responds, "So we're not going to Africa? Because I had already started packing". Bitch. How dare she make me laugh at a time like this?

Nat Text 1 - 6:12: I wanted to see your face when you heard your phone go off again. LMAO. <--- If we weren't standing on opposite sides of mom in a sub shop I would have hit her.

PP Call 2 - 7:14 <--- Mom gets furious
PP Call 3 - 7:15 <--- He gets forwarded to voicemail permanently

February 6, 2011

PP Text 19 - 9:09AM: Gud mornin

PP Text 20 - 9:34: R u alrite Jbird

Me Text 12 - 9:37: I'm fine. <--- And I'm over him and all this foolishness.

PP Text 21 - 9:40: Ok I was worried n thinkin abt u

Me Text 13 - 9:42: I've been really busy and I'll be at a few super bowl parties today. We'll talk later.

PP Text 22 - 9:44: Have fun n be careful n no dat someone cares about u

Put a fork in me. I'm done.

At 9:44 Sunday morning, he had known of my existence for 32 hours. I've got boogers older than that. What I said after that was that he needed to back off because he was smothering me in affection and it was making me angry.

He may have tried to call but I can't swear to it because he's been forwarded to voicemail. It doesn't help that Steve and I had a fight disagreement and I'm missing the little bit we had. Or that Palmer is being super sweet to me and has made it very clear that the ball is in my court. Or that I'm ovulating and reading a Harlequin Blaze novel. None of that is Peter Pan's fault.

But he's still on my damned nerves. And that is his fault.

UPDATE: Averi upon hearing about the yearning: "J-Bird... I too am yearning for you. Also, I yarn for you. On some days, I yawn for you. Hahaha! But lately I'm feeling beaten out by this guy for affection. I will totally buy you a round or three... especially for his verb fail". I love her so much.

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: Part Deux has been written

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