Friendship Smoothie

Yum, right?

Editor’s Note: This is not the post I promised but I felt like this story needed to be told. You can read about bigotry anytime but people with gymnasium-sized insecurities are few and far between.

I keep my friends separate. And it’s because I’m selfish.

I have going-out friends, house party friends, work friends, dinner friends, comedy club friends, Celebration friends, cry-it-out friends, does-this-make-my-ass-look-fat friends, and…

Breaking News!: MY BOSS JUST FOUND HIS COFFEE CUP! Whooooot! That’s a record 48 minutes right there. Normally, this game can last for days.

But the point is: I know a variety of people and I like them all for different reasons.

My Wine-and-Housewives friends are not the kind of people who cry it out. When I’m with them and I’m having man problems, we bitch it out. It’s less, “Awww… that’s so sad” and more “I know people”.

Last night, I went to a hookah bar with my friend Averi. Averi and I met many, many moons ago and we were clubbing friends. Until the day we were at the bar and she said, “Guys, I’m getting married”. I was the only one who took her seriously and that’s why we’re still close. So 4 years later, her with a 2YO and me planning for babies, we still get together whenever she’s in town and catch up like she’s just been living up the street.

This time she brought her friend Staci. I’ve never met Staci and I don’t need to compete with Staci but she needed to compete with me…

Staci (to Averi): Give me some money. I only have $10.

I hand Staci $3 to cover my share of whatever it is that she just bought without asking my opinion.

Staci (to Averi again): Why does she give me money and you don’t? Ahahhahahahaa!

I don’t see how that’s funny at all.

And you wanna know what else? I don’t like Staci. She’s a horrible person with major insecurities.

We start talking about Rollback (you will learn more tomorrow) and...

Averi: J-Bird, you dated that NFL player, right?

Me: Yeah (pause for breath)

Staci: Well, I dated that NHL player. Remember, Av?

Since I dated a personal trainer, then she whipped out her phone to show us the admittedly super sexy and realistically not sleeping with her half-naked man in her phone.

I was in the middle of my story about The African when she began her heart wrenching tale of being physically abused by her step-father for 5 years. When I tried to show sympathy, what I got in return was, “Well, it doesn’t bother me now. He knows if he tries it again I’ll cut his nuts off and slit him from sternum to sternum”. Ummm, ok? Or should I say WTF, dude!

It was the most exhausting 72 minutes of my life. It was like I was 3YO and Averi was Staci’s favorite toy and instead of letting me sit and play too she’d rather piss all in the sandbox. And I’m too old for that shit.

I’ve never had a conversation where someone was proud to be the most abused person in the group. She even had the audacity to ask me if she could get married on my family’s property in Savannah. The look on my face must have said it all because Averi chimed in quickly about money.

I hate other people’s friends. At first it was just a mild distate because this is a part of you that I don't know about and quite possibly am not at all interested in. I respect your right to have many facets to your personality. But please, on behalf of all people who hate their friends' friends, keep that bitch away from me.