Lately, I’ve been a first-class bitch to my exes.
GED posted on Facebook that he wants someone to buy him a Nintendo Wii for his birthday. Now, we are not together anymore but when we were I bought him a game console for his birthday because it would change life as he knew it. (Him: “Please! Baby, please! I really want this thing. It’s gonna be so tight! And think of the money we’ll save because it has a Blu Ray player in it. It’s like getting Blu Ray for free!”). So to his new post I said “I already bought you a game console. That’s a lifetime limit right there”. He called to say that he didn’t mean me personally but you know what? The point still stands. How many game consoles does one absentee father need? Ok. I’m just being mean now.
The African wants to know what I’m up to this weekend. I told him that I’m going out with my boyfriend for his birthday. Then he offered to come and take care of me while I fight this cold. I respectfully declined. He asked if I remember how nice he was. I told him I remembered instances over the course of our relationship where he was cordial, yes. But he kept pushing about seeing me and honestly, I lost it. I totally verbally plagiarized my Bestie and said, “I remember that it took my face a few weeks to heal and it took my pride a lot longer”. He said he had to go.
And then to my ex, the Scorpio, the words were softer in nature but still blatantly honest.
· Of course we won’t work out. Do you know that we have the same signs as Ike and Tina Turner?
· If this were Fatal Attraction, you would be Michael Douglas, I would be the devoted wife, your phone is Glenn Close, and the rabbit is our love.
· How can you not get it? YOU KILLED OUR LOVE WITH YOUR PHONE!
· Yeah, I remember that. *grade school giggle*
· That was a really good night.
· No, the memories are good enough.
· I’m not telling you where I live.
· Because there would be no witnesses.
· Stop trying to entice me.
· Really? Would you mind being a reference for me?
· Or like write a letter or something?
· Most guys wouldn’t believe that I can do that.
· Why are you upset? We’re not together now.
· *curmudgeonly cough* So sexy. I think you can come over now and get some of this.
· Fine. I see how it is. I’m gonna cough in your cake.
· What! There’s no way I’m paying that.
· You’re worth, like, a fourth an ice cream cake.
· Well, that’s just to me. Maybe you should do a poll or something.
I don't know what else to put here so I'll just tell you that I'm sick and I've got chills right now. I blame my mom.