Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Dear J-Bird, You're an Uppity Bitch

They didn't use those exact words but that's the jest of the email sent to me by eHarmony this morning. Apparently, I'm too picky and I should reset my parameters so that they can find more appropriate matches for me.

They have asked me to clarify things such as distance, age, frequency of smokes and drinks, and even income. But they neglected to ask me about other things that are insanely important (if only to me). For instance, they care about whether or not he has some college but are neglecting to weed out the 5'4" chefs. Height is veeeeeery important to me. I'm 5'7" and very rarely am I without my 4" heels. So 5'4" is not okay.

Or grammar. They neglected to provide the "bar of importance" that measures their grasp of the English language. When I say that I care that my match makes as much or more than I do and that I care to level 7, then one would not imagine that you match me with an "unemploed" construction worker.

And while looks are not the most important thing in the world, I wonder how it is that it took 3 days for them to approve my profile pics and this fool got his posted complete with the essence of shower curtain.

What the fine algorithm at eHarmony is failing to understand is that I would go to the ends of the Earth to find The One. Seriously, I would pack my bags, look my boss in the face and tell him "To hell with you, I love this man". So eHarmony needs to get its head out of its ass and act right! Because I refuse to be judged for having standards, got dammit!

Now, I have upped my required age to 26 (to match my own) (I was trying to give the benefit of the doubt!) and I have upped the drinking and smoking limit (maybe I can change him?), and I told them to just find someone in this damn country.

So, now? We wait.

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