Last night was not just rough it was rizzuff.
But it didn't start out that way. It started out going really well. And then, at the place where I stopped being in control and let others take the lead, it all fell apart. That's all I take responsibility for: letting others control a portion of the situation.
Yesterday was Ethan's last Saturday in Ohio and I have been promising to take him to the club for weeks. Maybe even months. But he's been talking about it for weeks.
I was supposed to go pick him up at 9:15p. But he wasn't ready and his aunt offered to drop him off at the club we were going to.
I was supposed to be the DD and get us all to and fro but Natalie offered to drive. Now, I don't know if you read this post but I obviously did not have the money to buy drinks. So, I was pre-gaming up a storm.
Natalie showed up at my apartment at 11:30. Ethan had been waiting for us for over an hour. And all she had to say was, "Well, if you didn't want to wait then you could have left without me". It took everything in me not to hit her, if only because she tried to whisper it thinking I wouldn't catch her backhanded remark.
But that's how she is. When she doesn't really want to do something but doesn't want to be accused of not participating, then she does everything she can to sabotage it. Like taking back roads to get to your house; turning a 15 minute drive into a 30 minute journey. Or saying she needs to go to an ATM first. Or that she hasn't eaten and is going to get food before she gets there. Or by offering to be the DD for everyone, including people who drove to my house, therefore packing the car but not even cleaning it out so that we could all fit. Or claiming that she can't read my hand-written directions. Or waiting until we are lost to pull out her GPS.
I should have known better than to trust her. I should have not taken even the tiniest drink because then I could have been on the road to my brother and perhaps saved the evening. I should have reminded myself that the reason she and I don't live together anymore is because I couldn't depend on her to give me simple things, like rent.
But, of course, this isn't her fault. I should have left without her. My directions were bad. And I knew she didn't get off work until 10p.
Let me tell you what I did know, I knew that Ethan asked her personally on Friday to come and she said yes. So she knew that she would need clothes, food, and money when she got of work but she didn't have it.
And I know this too. I'm not apologizing for the things I said to her because I'm not sorry.
She says she's tired of putting up with my attitude and writing it off as me just being myself but I'm tired of being chastised for having expectations of her.
Last night was ridiculous.
Last night was bullshit.
Last night was completely embarrassing for me.
Last night I accepted that I'd be better off without Nat in my life.
I learned a new word.
5 months ago