Anticipation is a weird emotion. I would even call it bi-polar. One minute it’s getting you primed for the first kiss. You know the one I’m talking about? It’s the one that you are sure is going to change life as you know it. Next minute, it’s got you thinking you’re about to die because you leaned back too far in your chair.
That’s how I’ve been feeling for about a week now. I don’t know what to call it. Anxiety? Stress? Depression? Oppression? But I know what it’s trying to do. It’s trying to take me to a scary place where nothing in my life matters and I just wish I had the guts to kill myself because I’m worth more dead than alive anyway.
This morning on my way to work, I had a panic attack. It was triggered by sirens. And I was in traffic. On a bridge. All I could think about was how my car was parked behind a dozen others and that I was going to die. Here’s a brief clip of what went through my mind.
“What’s that noise? Are those sirens? Where are they coming from? Are those lights behind me? How are they going to get through here? I can’t pull over I’m against the yellow line! Oh, Dear God, please save me! *the bridge begins to vibrate under the weight of the three trucks on it* What’s happening? I need to get out. *Hand on door handle* As soon as these cars stop coming, I’m outta here. When are they going to stop coming?!? I can’t stay here! *tears flowing* I’m going to die on this bridge. Why won’t the shaking stop? Why aren’t these cars moving?!?”
I am in hell.
It’s my own personal hell. You can’t go there with me because it’s inside my head. It torments me with promises of failure and abandonment. It lures me into its gaze filled with memories and bill collectors. It taps against the door of my sanity with a consistent rapping. Sometimes, when I’m brave enough to look up, I can see it peering through the window smirking and sneering.
The pressure is overwhelming and I feel as though it could envelope me at any second. Some days are so dark that it feels like the sun will never come out again. It’s like living your whole life at night under the cover of darkness where anything can happen to you. Periodically, I’ve had small glimpses of light. Like when Ethan called yesterday. But then he said one thing that made it slightly gray again. Or this morning, when I heard a song that reminded me of him and his antics. Singing the song brings the sun but finishing it, knowing that the moment is over, makes the clouds roll in faster than before.
All I can think to do in these moments is cry. I cry because I feel weak. I cry because I feel alone. I cry because I’m afraid that if I ask someone to help me that they will diagnose me as crazy. I don’t want to be crazy. I can’t be crazy. There’s a stigma that comes with crazy. Especially if you’re black. When you are black it is a universal truth that you cannot be black and: a. gay, b. date outside your race, or c. be crazy. I already date outside my race and get tons of crap for it; I know I won’t be able to handle the pressure that comes with a triple throw down.
I know that others have noticed. I figured it out years ago. They look at me, talk to me, and regard me differently. I wonder what it is they’re thinking and how I make them feel. The words I hate hearing most from my brother are, “I’m just glad I could make you laugh”. It kills me a bit each time he says it. I’m sure he doesn’t know he’s doing it, but what it says to me is that he can hear my pain and that it worries him. I don’t want him to worry about me. He has so many other things to focus on; he shouldn’t be preoccupied by my troubles.
I wish that someone could tell me the words to say that would make all of these negative feelings go away. I wish that I knew what makes me different from the people with a generally positive outlook on life. I wish I was ready to come back to blogging funny anecdotes and the goings-on of my life for you. But I'm not.
If you do need a pick-me-up after this blog of dreariness then please go here and here. Perhaps, here or here. But only here if you like it super raunchy.
I miss the happy me so much right now. I'll try to bring her back soon.
I learned a new word.
5 weeks ago