pics = FAIL

I wanted to take pics this week to post on my blog and allow myself a glaring look at the reality that is my fat ass. But alas, what I did instead was recover from the hangover that was my life.


Friday night I discovered something that's almost too good to be true. Yes, I found root beer flavored vodka. And yes, it tastes just like the real deal. I just wish I'd had some ice cream because I would've made a float! And so, I had a sip here, a shot there, all while making myself a tasty little low-fat meal.

I sent a text message to my friends and they figured I was primed for going out and this is what happened. Everyone arrived at my place to get ready. It was just like old times and I was so happy to be with the girls again. I put on a cute orange dress (totally borrowed) and my new fav gold & brown platform heels. And was READY!!

Please note that I haven't been out on the town with my girls since I met NFL. That's more than three months. Yes, this is important information.

We go and get into their favorite haunt (some things never change), Sugar. And we get more drinks. (Yay! for cherry vodka and sprite -- it goes down like candy). And this very tall man touches my elbow. I give the stink eye. And then whisper to Natalie, 'That guy looks like Warren'. She says, 'That is Warren!'. oh.

Warren asked if I like 'Indian dudes'. I told him no, but apparently that wasn't good enough because he proceeded to escort me over to his friend. Who was definitely tall enough but just not my type. And my rude ass (to hear them tell it) just walked away from the guy before he could even say hello. Bahahaa. So classy.

I remember going to the bathroom. And they say I didn't tell anyone I was going. But I'm sure I did because it's like a cardinal rule that you can never go alone. It was exiting the bathroom that I fell. But not before I kicked my feet and yelled, 'NOT MY SHOES!!'. The bouncer caught me and JB helped me put them back on. Yay for friends!! And that bouncer... super cute. I really want him. But the girls won't let me... sigh.

Fast forward to The Patio where I'm standing at a table minding mine and trying to focus in the dark. This guy - whose face I don't remember - starts to talk to me. I instruct him to talk into my left ear cause the right one don't hear so well. That's when he says that he finds that 'interesting'. Wha? And that he wants to study me. *choke* Because he just wants to know how I get along in the world with my disability. Asshole. So then his girlfriend walks up and then he decides that he wants his chair back. I turn my back on them both because I'm not moving (especially for some tool shed and his pimp).

We go back inside and it's my turn to buy a round (someone should stop my consumption). I'm standing at the bar and one of the bartenders gives me The Look. I can't decide if he's cute or not, so I poll the girls and get a unanimous No with head shake. That settles that.

The night is over and we're walking back to the car. But me? I'm barefoot. Yes, on the skanky downtown side walk a la Ms. Spears. Until we get to the gravel parking lot. That's when I flag down these three guys and use them as a foot stool. Gramma would be proud.

We go to the Taco Bell near me. I didn't ask to go. It's just like the fourth meal gods smiled down upon me and decided that I should, in fact, indulge in a nachos bell grande, soft taco, and nachos with cheese. Now, to hear Natalie tell it, I was mouthing off to some people in the parking lot and she saved my life. What I remember is almost losing my nose in the window (that rolled up all by itself) and being trapped inside her car until (AHA!!) I figured out how to unlock it.

When I woke up at 8 on Saturday morning, I was still in my dress, laid across my couch with my contacts in and a Taco Bell spork clenched in my teeth.

I had a great time.