The Thing About Being Me

The thing about being me is that if I weren't me I wouldn't be my friend.

I overanalyze, overreact, and procrastinate within an inch of the sanity of all those around me. And then, in the end, I usually walk away from the whole thing like it was just another Burger King wrapper. When the "end of the day" finally comes, whatever issue I was fretting over will have been diagnosed so carefully, so thoroughly that it's just a remnant of what it was or could have been. This.drives.me.crazy.

I want to change this part of me. I want to be that person that is firm in their decisions and willing to take chances... in relationships, of course. Because in life, if it looks like I might have fun or wet my pants, I am in, 110% in, all in, like in poker. I'm just in it. No questions. No hesitation. No trepidation.

But men? Men are my cause for pause. And I wasn't always this way. I used to be in it. All up in it. Then there was one. And he was my Only One. And I knew that we would be together forever. But then we weren't. And it hurt so much that I could only think of him without crying 3 years after he was gone.

Not to say that I haven't dated since then, but I will say that everyone in between was just another wrapper. I waltzed in, took what I wanted and then discarded them when I was done. But this guy is like a trick candle. He won't be blown out. And the truth is that I don't want him to be.

This is where I'd like to be someone who doesn't overanalyze, overreact, or procrastinate. Because while I'm doing all of that I should be doing the girl thing and plotting how I'm going to snag my man. Instead, I'm driving the people in my life absolutely batty over my indecision - and perhaps my resistance to change.

Everyone agrees that we need to talk, but I am a Sag Girl and I know enough about me to know that keeping my mouth shut is the best option - for now at least. So, I'm attacking this in the best way I know how, as research. Of course, I will keep my lovelies updated, but as it stands, I'm working on a list of Pros and Cons. Next will come the list of feelings. There will be a couple of drafts. I'll probably share one or two with you and you may even get a psychotic rant. Only time will tell.

Until then my dears, know this: I will either sacrifice a small dream for the chance at true love or I will dwell on this until the ears of everyone in my life bleed.