I Spy With My Little Eye The Best Dinner of My Life

Now that you know The Sag and The Volunteer, I can regale you with my weekend recap! This is only part one. *the crowd goes wi-yald!* If you haven't read those stories, then please go! now! read! because you'll realize just how awesome they are and that I have a knack for finding amazing men.

Since The Sag and I missed our annual birthday dinner (because I was broke and melancholy), he invited me out last Friday. I was already super excited! He picked me up like always (he's such a gentleman) and when I answered the door he said, "You're not wearing a dress?". I was floored. Normally, when we go to dinner out it's just your run-of-the-mill sit-down restaurant but that night he was dressed in dark denim, a chocolate brown and celadon green striped button-down shirt, and a sport coat. I had on my fat jeans, black snow boots, a black t-shirt and a pull-over fleece. What the hell, right?!?

So, I run to my room (a good ten feet) and start changing with a fury. I couldn't wear my black and white dress because I would have frozen my butt off. My favorite polka-dot dress was mysteriously MIA and I didn't want to wear the orange dress again. So I dug out my black wrap dress that he'd never seen me in, threw it on, thanked the gods that I'd shaved my legs that morning, put on some tights and my knee-high boots* and emerged a Goddess.

We walk to the car and he opens my door he is such a gentleman!, once he's in, he tells me how nice I look and that I'm in for a real surprise. Twenty minutes later he's navigating Downtown and I'm super antsy and beeeeegging to be let in on the surprise because I just can't stand it in any longer when I recognize the street we're on and squee with delight at the sight of my favorite Spanish restaurant. That's when I say, "Ohmigod! Ohmigod! Ohmigod! Ohmigod! Are we going to my Favorite Spanish Restaurant! Are we?!? Ohmigod!" He laughs and nods yes and I whip out my phone to text CBS111, "The Sag has brought me to my favorite Spanish restaurant! I'd have his baby right now if he asked.". That is a direct quote. No lie. Ask her.

We go in, sit down, and I'm suuuuuper excited. He already knows what I want but still lets me order for myself. We talk about stuff that means nothing at all and he tells me that his relationship with The Chick Who Shall Not Be Named is completely over now. Dinner comes and he says, "I wanted to talk to you about something". Me: mouth open. Fork: mid air. Food: untouched. I'm seriously beginning to wonder what this dinner is gonna cost me.



Mmmm... paella.


Because I know that I said thirty minutes ago that I would have his baby but seriously I'm not trying to have his baby. And the last time he looked at me that intently was when he was prepared to put all his dreams on the shelf for The Chick. I know that he wants to get married. I know that he wants children. We've talked openly about our desires for family. He spent Valentine's Day 2009 on my couch beside me watching SNL! I can tell you his future first born son's name!

But we never said we'd do this together and I just feel like if I put this meal in my mouth I'll be obligating my uterus for future use. All I can muster the courage to say is, "OK". He cracks his neck, his fingers, and his wrists. He shifts uncomfortably in his chair. He puts both forearms on the table and says, "I've started selling Advocare". Finally I can breathe! "And I'm coming to you because I know you've been doing this kind of stuff for years". I squint. He continues, "It's not a pyramid scheme, I swear! And I'm not asking you to join. I just want you to try it and if you like it tell your friends". I tilt my head to the right. He goes on, "It's just that you know so many more people than I do. You know like 300... no 500 people, right? You could really help me out if you like, end up liking it".

I finally I say, "Is that why you brought me here? To my favorite Spanish restaurant?". He looks at me sheepishly, "Yes".

Me: "OK".
The Sag: "Really?"
Me: "Yeah".

And then I ate. It was sooooo good. And if all I've got to do is buy some vitamins and meal replacement shakes, I'm all game. So check out Advocare products. Especially if you have fitness goals this year. My first order will be here on Friday and I'll try to remember to let you know if I'm seeing any positive changes.

*The Sag is a sucker for a woman in knee-high boots. *gives wink to every woman out there that's inboxing me for his number*

Thankful Thursday

I've been MIA on the blogging front lately and that's because I've been living life so much that I have yet to take the time to really process it all. This past weekend was insane. Saturday alone, I visited with 4 different friends. Between working my business and putting in massive amounts of quality time, the only other thing I can think to do is sleep. That doesn't mean that I don't have TONS of stories to share; it means that I haven't had time to put them all on paper.

With all that being said, I want to make sure that it doesn't come off as griping. I'm not griping. I guess the only thing I have to be sad about is that I don't keep in touch with people better. Now, that I'm reconnecting with all of my friends, I wish that we had stayed closer all this time.

And above all else, I feel truly thankful this week for everything. So many great memories are being formed and so much fun stuff is happening that it's making me wonder if this city is where I really belong after all.

All that aside, this week, I found myself being thankful for:

1. sunny days - I always took them for granted until we only had 4 of them in May


2. rain - it makes for warm food and good conversation


3. $10 pizzas - I don't care who you are, that's a good deal


4. bad decisions - they make for great stories


5. the teenagers that serve my popcorn at the movie theatre - our local theatre just went completely self-serve but the prices are still outrageously absurd. I wondered aloud why I had to pour my own Slushee and then pay $5 for the privilege


6. people that talk with their hands - I will never think of mac 'n' cheese the same way again


7. football movies


8. "It's raining nuts!" - Dora the Explorer -- BAHAHAHAHAHAA!


9. gas points - they equal cheap gas which equals more travel which equals more fun times


10. Brinner - it's breakfast for dinner


11. having more than one mom - I felt like the Kleenex commercial. I was sick last night and when I got tired of one mom I just sat with another. It was the ultimate cure.

I Will Roast You

"FUCK YOU!"

She didn't just recognize my voice, she recognized my tone.

My Saturday started like every other. I woke up like it was a Wednesday, walked the dogs, fed everyone, put on Winx Club, and laid my tired ass back on the counch until noon.

I got a text around 230ish from Nat asking if I wanted to go to a pig roast. What!?! Food? Fun? Random People? Yes, please! We couldn't go until 7 'cause Nat had to work but whatevs. Just more time to prep for Mom's Day. Which totally rocked the house by the way.

We get there at 7:46 on the dot and all is well. BBQ, beer, new friends: today is gonna be a good day. There's even one funny guy (The Viking) who grabs my attention and holds it by the reins. Now, I'm not delusional. I don't want him. He doesn't even live in this city. And since we're being completely honest, I've still got the Scorpio on the brain. Plus, he's a Scorpio and when he said that I could only think of my Scorpio. Who's much sexier with his chiseled abs and piercing green eyes. Mmmmmm... But nonetheless, this other guy, "Jeff Morris", asks me to come outside.

Have you ever been to a house party? Do you know what it means to wander off with someone? If you don't want rumors, then you don't go. I didn't like Jeff. His bouffant hair was ridiculous and his swag was non-existant.

So, I don't go until I tell The Viking that I don't want to go. So me, The Viking, Hostee's boyfriend, and Jeff are outside. They're smoking and I'm on the step asking Jeff what he wants. He just wants to talk. I go back inside. That's when Jeff approaches me again. "Just come outside", he says, "J-Bird, I just want to talk to you". So, I go. And this is where it falls apart...

Me (calm and leary): What?

Jeff: I'm just playing the Wingman.

Me (kinda angry): What?!

Jeff: My friend likes your friend so I gotta get you out of there.

Me (full-on angry): You suck!

Jeff: Huh?

Me (seething): You're a dick! I've been a Wingman before and Rule #1 is: Don't let your target know you're the Wingman.

I go back inside.

We're playing Shoulders. I would tell you how to play bu that involves pictures so you'd be better off just following the Wiki link. Finally, after 5 rounds and so much failure Nat has to pee. The Viking has to go too of course. Now, the whole time we're playing Jeff is standing in the kitchen across from me staring, making eyes, and giving me the head nod. My anger continues to boil because I'm sure I already told him to leave me the fuck alone. Boys never listen.

I go to pee and I see Nat standing there with The Viking in the doorway trying to seal the deal. I don't interefere. She's grown; she can do what she wants. I pee. They are still talking. When I get back to the party, Jeff is sitting next to my chair and there's this other girl actually in my seat. It's all good because I'm this close to cussing him out.

She offers to move. I decline. Why? Because I know myself. I know that I've been stewing since the convo outside. I know that if he looks at me wrong I'm gonna blow.the.fuck.up. That's when he opens his mouth and says, "Come on J-Bird. Sit by me".

Me (at the top of my lungs): FUCK YOU! Note to self: Next time you try to be a Wingman don't tell the girl that you're the fucking wingman. You're an asshole and you've got no game.

Jeff (little boy whisper voice): I never said I had game.

Me: Don't talk to me. You don't even know how to acquire a target. I've been a wingman; you suck.

Jeff: Why? Because my friend likes your friend?

Me: Because my friend is my sister. Next time do your fucking research.

(now facing The Viking) And you. Next time, get a real fucking wingman with game and your might actually get laid.

I give Hostee a hug and roll out.

Now, I know it seems like I was being a jealous bitch but what it really is about is the disrespect. How hard would it have been for him to hold a got damn conversation? Do you really think that you are so pimp that I won't get all up in your face and cuss you the fuck out. Because as he found out the hard way, I will whoop your ass in front of all your friends. He sat there like a little bitch while I stood between his legs and yelled in his face with the ultimate disrespect. The only thing I regret is that I had been drinking so my voice is a bit stripped now. That and maybe I should have told Nat early on so that I didn't have to sit there stewing and letting that punk get to me. Naaaaahhhhh... I liked embarrassing him. A lot.

Righteous!

I am definitely trying to make the most of the last few weekends I have here in the Friendliest state in the Union. This weekend was packed as tight as the one before it and next weekend promises to be just as exciting.

It started on Friday, where I almost missed my own dinner because I got sidetracked by the thought of brats on a grill. It was only when I walked through my own threshhold that it dawned on me that I had people coming over to my own house for dinner. At my invitation. And I have a planner now. WTF?

But dinner turned out to be tons o' fun. I got to reconnect with some friends and gossip like we were in a hair salon. They headed out to the concert and I gave sad face but I needed to clean before The Scorpio came to pick up his cake. Believe it or not he was right on time. Like exactly. This even deserves a post all its own so I'll leave you in suspense.

Saturday was the Spring Game. It's my first taste of football since the Super Bowl and I was amped to go. I went with an old friend of mine and we talked about him and how he's been since we lost touch. Then, after the game, we hit up the mall for some ice cream and then after that I treated him to dinner. I mean, who wants to live in a world where someone doesn't know the deliciousness that is Carrabba's?

He was so nervous because he doesn't get treated often (I would hate to be a guy if it meant I always had to pay) but it was nice just to have company and someone to talk to. I loved watching him enjoy himself. I'm a giver that way. Plus, it's Prom Season. And there's nothing cuter than teenagers dressed in their glittery finest acting all grown up and such. It made me saw, "Awwwwww." out loud it was that cute.

It really was the perfect end to an already stellar day. I went home and took care of the animals. They were just excited to see me. And then I packed a bag and stayed at Mom's. She's never seen Twilight or New Moon. Nat and I are not fans of the series so we had decided to have a snark off. My favorite quote of the night, "Why doesn't someone just smack her already and move on?" -- Mom.

We went to dinner at Quaker Steak & Lube. Mom's husband was his usual rude self and we had two checks. One with him, April & Becca and then me, Mom and Nat. I don't want to say that it's because he hadn't intended for me and Nat to come. But it is because he thought that they were just going to leave without saying goodbye and then when we realized we weren't invited gave puzzled looks so Mom extended the invitation. Nice, huh?

I talked to the Scorpio some more on Sunday and we both want to try again but question whether we should we try again. I poured out my heart and made myself completely vulnerable. He told me it was sweet. I looked on in disdain. He explained it as being flattered that someone cares about him. I equate that to saying I love you and receiving a Thanks. You know?

I ended the night with a gyro, three shots of whiskey and a beer. Good times indeed.

Good Friend. Baaaad Blogger.

Hey, ya'll! I just wanted to tell you that I have not forgotten about the many posts I promised you. They are all either on paper or in my head. I was going to do it Friday night but then my dogs ate my laptop charger. They are running up a tab with Jesus.

There's also another one because we had a Celebrity Sighting and I must tell you all about it. I've even got proof. The pressure is totally on now if you know what I mean.

Because I feel a need to explain why I've been such a horrible Bloggie, I shall commence with the details of my weekend.

Right now, as I type, I am waiting for The Trainer to meet me here at Mom's house. Don't scrunch your face at me. I'm just helping him get his blog in order. I'm going to start doing a Friday Fitness segment and we will get our tips from his blog. Trust me, you will benefit from his tips. He really is a personal trainer. So be on the look out for guest posts from The Trainer.

Before that I took April and Rebecca to the park. I walked while they rode their bikes. An hour later I had confiscated two soda bottles, emptied and crushed them making two little boys cry. Their mom can be mad all day but she was nowhere to be found when they were throwing those bottles at other children. So naturally, I told her to suck a fat one.

Yesterday was madness but in a good way. First, the Bestie and I went to the museum to the Chihuly exhibit. Absolute perfection. We also put together a puzzle. I know you shouldn't yell in a museum, but this thing was a first class bitch and its completion was cause for celebration. We also tapped into our inner ar-teist and drew zoo animals. Mrs. G was all over the Blue-Footed Booby and I whipped out a classic Empire Penguin. I also signed it as a 3rd grader. Quit judging me.

From there I made my way to A's house and helped her move. It took 5 hours to get everything from one house to the other and she only moved 4 blocks away. She had the Mary Poppins basement. She brought out a box of sandpaper. A whole box! A hefty bag full of empty boxes. A set of 4 stairs. When I questioned these items she said (and I quote), "It may look like trash to you but I need these things".

Me: Stairs, though? Why?

A: I thought the kids might want to play with them.

Me: You're going to let the children play on stairs?

A: Just put them on the truck!

She's an artist without a t.v., a car, or even a radio. We'll chalk it up to that.

And Friday, well, I don't really remember Friday. But I do know that I was supposed to go somewhere and that person cancelled. After that, I think I slept and crocheted. It's hard to remember because it was so long ago.

See you tomorrow in the a.m.

And yes, I promise to behave with Trainer. Maybe.

Everybody's Working for the Weekend!

I can't explain why my post titles have become pop culture references but I think we should all just go with it for now. :-)

My weekend was packed full of goodness. It started off with me doing some serious work on Mom’s Granny Blanket. It’s turning out to be very pretty if not a little wonky-shaped. She’s a mom; she’ll love it regardless.

I chatted with my cousin talking about my dating preferences and Noodle. Of everyone on that side of the family, Theo is the only one that seems to accept me. He overrules Ethan’s accusation that my dating preferences are prejudices. He also told me that one of their late-night, girl-type, yammer sessions was about me. What is that?!? Anywhoozers, Noodle got her first bike and is now calling herself NaNa. No one knows where it came from, that’s just who she is now. And she’s adorable. This kid makes me want babies tomorrow. Like I would buy one if it was just as cute and sweet and loving as she is.

Oh! I also managed to get all of my bills paid. I am within breathing distance of having them all caught up. I know, I know. Making late payments is not the right thing to do when you’re on the path to cancelling your debts but I didn’t have much of a choice. I lost a roommate during the worst time in my industry. So my expenses doubled right when my commission checks were halved. Partial payments were a means of survival, so you can just stop with the stank face.

Sometime in the early evening on Friday, I went to a friends’. We had a couple of beers and talked about Atlanta, Palmer, a new job, the whole nine. It was nice catching up with her. She’s bald now so that took me by surprise. But she’s doing it for cancer awareness. Charlotte had leukemia when she was just 13; stuff like that changes you.

Saturday, I woke up early ready to help my mom with her garden. After all the hard work we put into it last fall, I was ready to see all the beautiful colors. I got to her house and was not disappointed by the landscape. I was, however, floored by her appearance. She looked a hot mess. I got there a little after 9am and she was just getting to bed; had pulled an all-nighter for work trying to get their program tested and running before today. Despite what people think, I do have a heart and so I took care of the puppies, fielded all her phone calls, rescheduled her appointments and cleaned the kitchen.

Around 2pm, I got restless so I went to the Franklin Covey store to buy stuff for my planner. Someone as unorganized as I am NEEDS a planner or else I forget important things like the Mary Kay party I had scheduled but had not managed to prepare for. I even had to call and cancel with the 4 people I apparently told about it at some point. (Ay carumba! Sometimes, I drive myself crazy!). But now, I have a real planner – cover and all – with stickers and task tabs, and budget guide and so I shouldn’t have any more excuses for forgetting. Unless, I forget to write in it which I probably will do.

(This is the binder I got although I really wanted the Giada -- champagne tastes... le sigh)

When I got back Mom was up so we went to Home Depot and picked up the rose bushes and other flowers she wanted to surround the front area. It looks good now but will be even lovelier once the roses bloom. Ethan called and talked to me only briefly before he spent more than 90 minutes on my cell phone with Mom. He says I’m a hater and shouldn’t be so jealous because its not like she’ll love me less but I said he shouldn’t encroach on my time with Mom especially when I’m footing the bill for it.

********* SPOILER ALERT **********

Finally, Mom and I went to see a movie. It was “Why Did I Get Married Too?” I’ll be honest. I didn’t want to see it. I’m not big on black films. I feel like they are a misrepresentation of our culture. But Mom was paying so why not? Because it sucked that’s why not. Pat should not get to be happy at the end after the bullshit she pulls. I’d be just as upset if it were a man in her position. Angela is ridiculous – even more so than last time. Sheila is weak and a pain in the ass. She tells off her husband but still falls prey to the man that beat her physically and emotionally for so many years. I don’t care if he is dying, she shouldn’t have been in his house (which is where her husband found her). I was livid. I was like, “I hope that son of a bitch dies on a bus and no one notices all day”.

********** I’M DONE RANTING NOW **********

Mom was full of energy at 2am so we cooked. Well, she cooked. I passed out in my underwear on her couch.

We went to the 8am service at her church. I tried to love Jesus but all I could do was groan and try to keep from falling asleep. After that I hoofed it home to take care of the pets. No accidents, thankfully. Spent some QT with them and then headed to Mrs. G’s place where she gave me THE BEST BOOK EVER! I haven’t even read it yet, but it is the story of the fabulous Grace Kelly so by default its gonna be fantastic.

And I went on a date last night. He is not even worth mentioning so please don't ask.

Oh! And my mom is getting a blog because she thinks mine is cool (ha!). She also told me that I should steer it away from being journalistic to being more witty and snarky because I'm good at both of those things. God, love her for trying.

Weekend Plans

I'm going to tell you about all of the awesome things I have planned for this weekend. As you may or may not already know that my dad is coming to visit and when he does arrive he will be staying with me. Yaaaaaaayyyyy! FAIL.

My dad, God love him, is prior military. And I have been resisting the siren call of disciplined living since I was conceived. For instance, my bathroom currently has, on its floor, used cotton swabs that the dogs "rescued" from the bin, hair, dust, dog hair, and some other random items like bobby pins and hair ties. On my dad's bathroom floor is tile, pristine and clean. I remember going into his bathroom when he was changing apartments and whispering "Wow." You wanna guess what he said? "Yeah, I gotta clean it before we leave". WHAAAAA? His bathroom was cleaner at that moment than mine was on the day I moved in to any apartment.

All that aside, my house smells rank and dank and filled with stank. I can hardly wait until this we get in to the high 40s. I'm opening the windows and letting the sunshine in. Aaaaahhhh!!

Back to reality!

I'll be cleaning everything. Including my room. *long, high-pitched wail*. I can't let my dad see my house like this! Especially my room. He would probably spank me. Or worse, offer to help me clean it.

Plus, I have to go my mom's and do laundry. Can you believe it's been a month? And I'm out of frozen fruits and veggies. And rice. Her deep freezer is calling out to me.

So, where last weekend I got down with my bad self and watched the Olympic hockey team lose to Canada, I'll be knee deep in cleaning products, my poor hands rubbed raw from all the chemicals. =(

Feel bad for me yet?