My First Letter to You

I wish I could tell you about all of the great things that happened over Christmas but that would be farcical. So much went wrong. And I feel like a total whiner and Debby Downer but I can't walk around with this on my chest anymore. So, I'm writing a letter to the only person that will hear me without passing judgment or offering advice and sympathy.

Dear Baby,
I know that you're not here yet and the entire concept of sending you a letter could be perceived as ludicrous, but I need to tell you some things and make you some promises. The first thing I want to say is that I want you more than my next breath of air. My whole life I've imagined what you would be like and how you will grow. And it may seem silly that I continue to wait but it's because there are some very important decisions that have to be made for you that only I can make.

The first is who your father will be. I want to get this right, Baby. I can't tell you how hard of a decision this is turning out to be. Because no matter how much I want to hold you and love you and make you feel special, I need to know that the man I choose will make you feel that way too. I'm looking for the man that wants you as much as I want you and I promise that you'll know when I find him.

I promise that you will grow up in a house filled with respect and love. Big giant helpings of it. I won't make you feel afraid to fail or make mistakes. Instead I'll teach you how to get up and how to push on. You will never feel like your worth is tied to what you can do for me. I will never put the burden of our family's survival squarely on your shoulders. You will never worry about your next meal or where you will lay your head.

I promise that you will grow up with traditions. They may not be huge like an annual scuba diving vacation or celebrating Christmas in Europe. But there will be something that you can carry with you your whole life. That one thing that you know will always be there. I want that for you. The security of knowing that if all else fails this one thing will still be here when you wake up.

I promise that you will not fear me. Because you don't gain respect through fear but through compassion. I'm not saying that you won't get in trouble or be reprimanded when wrong. But you will know that I'm doing it to teach you and keep you straight. And you will receive my love and support more than you receive my anger and frustration. I plan to smother you in hugs and kisses, to curl up under blankets watching movies, and teach you all the life skills I had to learn on my own.

I promise that no matter how far you stray or how long you're gone that you can always come home. I will leave a light on so that you can find your way back. Because I know that I can't keep you from getting lost and I can't stop you from going your own way, but I can sit on the porch and be here when you get back. And I always will.

I promise you that at the end of a hard day when everything else has gone wrong, you can sit and tell me all about it. I might tell you what I think about the situation but I won't be mad at you for your choices. I will let you speak. Let you free your mind. I will be your sounding board.

And finally, I promise you that even if I make all the wrong choices for you; if I choose the wrong man to be your father, the wrong name for you to live with forever, the wrong school district for you to graduate from, if I never buy a house for you to come home to, if the whole world burns down to the ground around us, you will always be first in my life. There is nothing and no one that can take that away from you.

Baby, sweet Baby, I promise all of these things to you. And I can only hope that they are enough to get us through. I'm still so excited for you and can hardly wait until the day that we're together.

With All My Love,
Mommy

Words Were Not Enough

Today, my mother's husband decided that he was going to take his Lexus back. Yes, he bought her a Lexus and yes, they have been having trouble but it's not what he did, it's the way he went about it.

You have to understand that my mother and her husband live in seperate houses. Neither wanted to sell or rent out their house (even though it would have brought in a considerable amount of income) so they literally have two residences. He doesnt contribute to hers and best believe that she doesnt contribute to his.

This morning I was awoken with wailing, "[Me]! He took the car!". I immediately want to call the police because I have no idea what she's talking about. But apparently, he had the foresight to 1. Catch a ride (because he didn't leave another car in the Lexus' plae) and 2. Leave a note ([Mom], I have the Lexus., [Douchebag]. P.S.~ I shall call you later on. I'm going to Y.).

Did she call the police? No. Did she call him and give him what for? No. Instead, she sat and stewed, pouted, and seethed for 14 hours. Fourteen hours. It was quite ridiculous. Actually. This is quite ridiculous.

Because it's not over. He called my younger sister's cell phone and asked her to tell Mom that he wants to pick up his brother's things. Now, there are two crazy parts to this voice message. The first is that my sister, April, is eleven. God only knows why he would bring a child into their mess. Secondly, the message came seven hours after he had stolen her vehicle and left her without transportation.

Her message to him was that if he dared bring his "selfish, theiving ass" back onto her property she'd have him arrested. The kicker is that he's a cop but still her message was uncalled for. I can't tell you the snarky things I said to her because really, I kept it all to myself. The only thing I said to her is that she is not allowed to discuss any of this with or around April and Rebecca. You would think that I wouldnt have to set those boundaries for her but you'd be wrong.

All this on the day after Christmas. Coupled with NFL not calling for the last two days and words escape me.

Anyhow, Merry Christmas to all and I wish you all a good night.

Cherry Mistmas!

Everyone should get exactly what they want for Christmas. I know I did. I got several things actually.

* Kick ass brown shoes my sister
* A phone call from my brother overseas
* A call from my Daddy
* A birthstone necklace from Grammy
* Floods of Christmas texts
and a voice message from someone new :)

Hoping you got everything you wanted and nothing you need!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

What am I doing?

I finally came up with a catchy name for my weekly dose of good news. It will be (insert drumroll)... non-existent. I've decided that this blog will be dedicated to whatever I'm feeling at the moment. I shouldn't box myself in to being thankful just one day a week. I'll be thankful whenever I please. Like today, for instance.

We will call today a Wistful Wednesday.

I've spent most of the last two days fantasizing what life would be like with NFL. Could I quit my job? Would we have babies? Could he really love me forever? I know it seems silly but that's what it is. So that's what today is. Wistful Wednesday. Wish me luck!

8 Things...

8 Things I'm Looking Forward To:
1. Singing songs with the family on Christmas Eve
2. Eating ham
3. Making Christmas cookies
4. Unwrapping presents
5. Seeing my daddy next year
6. Ethan coming home in March!!
7. Celebrating the New Year
8. Being free from debt in April 2010!

8 Things I Did Yesterday:
1. Woke up late
2. Panicked over Ginger's limp
3. Avoided folding the clean clothes
4. Visited K and picked out cute dresses to borrow
5. Worried that I'm not good enough for NFL
6. Got over my worries and realized that he's one lucky bastard ;)
7. Set up Wilbur's space
8. Watched Christmas movies

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:
1. Not worry about money
2. Fit into a size 6
3. Find the love of my life
4. Vacation in Greece
5. Say "No" and mean it
6. Relax
7. Accept gifts graciously
8. Believe in miracles

8 Things I'm Thankful for:
1. Friends like K
2. Friends that still come over
3. Family - even both sides of my crazy one
4. Friends who don't judge me based on my crazy family
5. Love
6. Life
7. My craftiness
8. My jeans

Theme Days

A friend of mine who also has a blog does what she calls "Thankful Thursdays". And I'm thinking it's time I get a theme day of my own. I want something catchy and positively upbeat. So, I'm off to the thesaurus. Not because I don't have a vocabulary extensive enough to meet the requirements of this task. But rather, for the sole purpose of finding a word that starts with M. I think that using Monday for my positive day would give a fantastic start to my week, don't you?

I Can't BELIEVE This

I love my Grammy. I really do. She's my favorite person in the whole world and I don't like when people mess with her. That means anyone. Including existing family.

Fast forward to the three seperate conversations I've had with her today. They all involved her planned trip here for Christmas. Now, I am not responsible for her plane ticket. Natalie is. But she hasn't gotten it. No. Am I sure? Yes. How do I know this? Because I just spoke with Gram and she had no idea that she was supposed to be flying out this weekend. None at all!

I called my mom because she and Natalie are the ones orchestrating the visit and low and behold she knew that Grammy had no ticket and is upset that Grammy would make other plans for this weekend. One of which we all knew existed but I believed had been cancelled.

Apparently, Grammy is expected to cancel her plans to get on what is an imaginary plane. Their master plan was to buy the ticket on Thursday night and get her on a Friday morning flight. Really? Really!! REALLY!!

I want to take a hack saw and just chop off that whole side of the family tree. Because what they are doing is abso-freaking-lutely ridiculous. And I am appalled that they have the audacity to blame my Grammy for this. It's not her fault one bit. But alas, how could I expect two people that are so undeniably irresponsible to take responsibility for this major error?

He Always Knows What To Say

I received a beautiful birthday card from my Daddy today. Its filled with all of the things that a father should say when a daughter needs to hear them most. I will share some of it with you.

Love yourself.
Make Peach with you are and where you are at this moment in time.

Listen to your heart.
If you can't hear what it's saying in this noisy world,
Make Time for yourself.
Enjoy your own company.
Let your mind wander among the stars.

Be happy.
When you don't have what you want, want what you have.
Make Do.
That's the well-kept secret of contentment.

Life isn't days and years.
It's what you do with time and with all the goodness and grace
that's inside you.

Make a Beautiful Life...
The kind of life you deserve.

I love you too, Daddy.

Most of Them Missed It

The big day - my birthday - has come and gone and this is how it went. I spent the day before wondering if anyone would remember. Some did and sent me wishes early. I was elated to not have been forgotten.

On the actual day, I got obligatory phone calls from family and a couple from friends, but it was the birthday visit that really made me smile. My bestie, Mrs. G, came over and spent some time with me. It was a blast and I was reminded of why I love her so much.

I'm on a few social networking sites. More for the networking aspect than the social one. But with as many "friends" as I have, I honestly was expecting some unsolicited wishes. Now, that may seem silly to you. It seems silly to me, but thus is life. I did get a few wishes. Five to be completely honest and only two, I feel, were heartfelt.

But the worst part is that my sister, Natalie, didn't extend a birthday wish. And neither did any of my going out friends. None of them. Not one. After seven years of knowing them and celebrating every party-worthy holiday under the sun, none of them felt the need to pick up the phone, tap out a text message or even post a message on my social pages.

Nice.

It's Almost Here

I know I shouldn't but I am actually getting very excited about my birthday tomorrow. Since I've lived here, each birthday has involved either snow or ice. The thing about that is it also involves a lot of sliding around in four inch stilettos. I would love to say that tomorrow will involve more of the same, but alas, I don't believe I will be celebrating.

Firstly because I am on a very strict budget that I already violated by purchasing fresh seafood (as a present to myself, you see). Secondly, none of my friends have mentioned doing anything with/for me. There was no office lunch planned by the girls here. They didn't even ask if I wanted to go anywhere. My 'going out' friends and I haven't actually gone out together since the summer. And even that was awkward. Thirdly, everyone has something else going on. Two of my friends have gotten married. One is now engaged. Two have moved back home with their parents. And the rest either have children or we haven't maintained the best contact.

You see, I don't have a Best Friend. You know? That person that picks you up when you fall flat on your butt. Or makes everyday a celebration. I don't have anyone who understands the very essence of who I am and that I know I can count on for any freaking thing.

I want to be sad about it but I can't muster the strength. I'm not generally a selfish person. You can see that I'm making excuses for the people in my life who have obviously forgotten me. But that's ok. Because no matter what tomorrow does or does not bring, you can find me in a tavern on Main Street toasting myself.

Why, Yes I Am!

Yesterday evening, I went with a friend to check out a product that he sells. He and I are both very determined to be independently wealthy and so are always open to new opportunities. Basically, we're the new Amway generation. Most people that enter into Multi-Level Marketing or MLM do it for extra cash, vacations they can't afford, or because a smooth talker convinced them that they too could get rich quick! But Chad and I are different. We are hustlers. We are champions. We are determined to at least make back the money we invest.

What Chad didn't know was that I've been in MLM since I was old enough to sign a contract. So I've been there, done that, and can tell you who will and who won't be around six months from now. All that aside, his goal was to recruit me. I can't blame him, as anyone in MLM will tell you, ask absolutely everyone you've ever met because that is the only way that you are guaranteed success in your own business.

Last night, I'm sitting talking with the local Regional Director and I can see the lust (for me to be in his downline) in his eyes. He asked what business opportunities I had previously been a part of and I shared, including the one I currently participate in. The mental war between us was intense. He, the hunter, trying to keep his heartbeat in check so as not to lead off his prey. Me, the hunted, knowing my predator and that I possess the only thing he currently wants. The dance was careful and calculated. And then he caressed me with words soft like Angel Whispers. Yes, he guessed my age and pegged me a year low!

That's right! According to this man I not only don't look my age but I, in fact, look younger. As a single, twenty-something, non-white, professional woman, I was floored and totally took it as a compliment. The giggling and blushing persisted for at least 60 seconds. Unfortunately for him, I snapped back into business mode the moment he mentioned compensation packages and products. I find their compensation program lacking in incentives and the quality of their products inferior. But I told him to keep me updated. This MLM is still young. If it were a child it'd still be wearing diapers. They will find their way. And when he can feed me a cookie that doesn't taste like carob and cardboard, I just might reconsider.

Ponderings

My birthday is swiftly approaching. I would like to say that my advancing age isn't on my mind but that's not true at all. It's always on my mind. It's on everyone's mind quite frankly. My father - in his efforts to help - continues to remind me that it's perfectly normal for my generation to wait for marriage and that he would much rather me wait and get it right the first time, then for me to rush into it and suffer the heartbreak of divorce. My mother believes that if I establish roots and buy a house that I will attract the kind of man that is ready to settle down and start a family. Gram is sure that as soon as I get back into church, the Lord will bring a good, Christian man my way. Ethan, my brother, simply said, "Me and you, we're not the marrying kind" -- I mean, seriously, who says stuff like that?

I guess what I'm saying is: I know I'm getting older but I still don't feel ready to link my life to someone else's. I'm just not. There are too many things that I want to see, do, and experience before I embark on the journey of "forever". Putting it in this blog seems as pointless as saying it to my mother - who just happens to send me real estate listings once a week. All I want to do is eliminate my debt so that I can travel to far away lands. Sounds dorky, right? Well, that's what I want. And it's curious to me that this is the one thing that I want and yet it's the one thing that none of them will help me with.

I know it seems selfish for me to hold tight to my own ambitions but I think I'm allowed to be selfish in this respect. Mom only wants me to buy a house because she wants to move Gram here. Sadly, Mom's house is already overflowing and if I bought my own 1800 square foot chateau, all of our problems would be solved! Except I'd be bitter and resentful. But why let that get in the way of her grandiose scheme?

All this leads me to scheming of my own. In a few short months, I will be completely debt free. And if I'm clever enough to stop being so malcontent, this job will allow me to save many, many dollars in one very short year. Twenty months is all I need to be free of all of this. Yes, I'm being completely selfish but it's high time that someone put me first, I think.

Unforgivable

I have 3 sisters and 4 brothers. None of them are 100% but in this family we say, "Either you're family or you're not". No qualifiers allowed. My sister that's just three years younger than me, Natalie, used to be my roommate. No one could understand how we could live together - and for so long; we lived together for almost four years. At first, it was great. We both had jobs that were sufficient to our lifestyles and were pulling our respective weight.

But this last time, she stopped participating - financially or otherwise. And I got tired of carrying her. So I gave an ultimatum: Get your life in order and make some changes or get out. She chose to move out. But in the midst of all of the drama her feelings got hurt. And apparently, I cannot be forgiven. We won't discuss how her current boyfriend is the same guy she dated for 5 years but they never celebrated her birthday. Or that the two boyfriends during their hiatus both cheated on her.
Never mind that they all received her forgiveness without asking.

I can't be forgiven because I'm family. I should never have done this to her. My response? I'm family. Not a bank. Not a loan officer. Not a shelter of any sort. However, that's how she managed to use me these last two years. When I confronted her with this, I was accused of being arrogant and condescending. According to her, she's managing her own life quite well. I told her that she's spoiled, selfish, irresponsible and entitled and until she makes changes in herself I don't want a relationship with her.

It's not that I don't love her; it's that I do love her. I feel that if I'd let Natalie continue to sponge off of me that she will never grow up and truly be responsible for herself and her own life. As a twenty-something myself, I know that the world is a cold, hard place. But I am working hard to maintain and she should too. Instead, she's now sponging off of our mother. Which you would think is not my problem but I get to hear about it. A lot. But I don't say anything in response to my mother's rantings. I'm sure that would be unforgivable too.

Unfortunately, I'm serious

Yesterday was a good day. I stayed so busy that I didnt have time to dwell on my issues. Helping my friend create the wedding reception of her dreams gave me a feeling of usefulness and satisfaction. Then I even help one of my besties move into her new home. It's gorgeous and I'll know she'll put her cozy spin on it in no time.

But then today happened. I'm on my way back to my mother's (it is almost Sunday and I'll be doing all of the cooking) when my car decides to crap itself. I hear a rattling and check the rear view to see white smoke billowing out behind me. I don't know what's wrong and even if I did, I don't have the money to fix it. Now, the car that gets me to the job that pays me so insufficiently that I can hardly make my bills might a) fall to pieces around me, b) burn to a crisp with me still in it, or c) just stop working all while I still have a loan on it.

In my world, there is no one to help me. My mother is unemployed and my father can barely make his frayed ends meet. Moving back in with either of them is not an option as I am not wanted by either of them (and I still have many months left on my current lease). As I sit here trying not to burst into tears, I have only one request to whatever entity may be controlling the universe. Just give me some time. Four months. After that, you can send the car to automotive hell.

Charlie Brown and Stuff

I wanted today to feel like a holiday. If only so I could stop with this ridiculous feeling of uselessness and sadness. But it didn't feel right at all. Instead, I spent most of the day following my mother around town gathering the ingredients for Thanksgiving dinner - which will be held on Sunday [I don't have time to explain]. When my mother finally showed up to her own house, I was already in the midst of taking care of the 9 animals currently in her home. That's when she informed me that she had nothing for our dinner, tonight or Sunday. Do you know what it's like to try and find pumpkin on Thanksgiving Day? Then count your blessings my friend. Because it is an adventure that no one should have to endure.

But all that is over now. We had our Thanksgiving Chicken (yes, chicken)and all the dishes are clean. I'm sitting here, watching A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and I can only say that I feel for the poor bastard. All he wanted to do was have dinner with his grandmother and now half the town is coming to his house for a free meal. Still don't know how he ended up doing all of the work, but hand to the sky it's happening. Eh. I wish I knew how to take advantage of people that way. Maybe then most of my problems would alleviate themselves.

This is what I mean

I received several invitations to other people's Thanksgiving dinners. Why? Because I'm absolutely pathetic, that's why. My father is states away (and I am certain that he wishes that I still weren't around - but I ruined that by hunting him down four years ago). My mother could never find "The One" and so there have been many. Which means that my siblings and I don't all have the same fathers. My youngest sisters, April and Rebecca, are with their father for this holiday. The sister immediately younger is still not speaking with me over a disagreement of sorts. Mom's Current Husband will work today because of his line of business. My brothers are scattered all over the globe because of their work in the service. And so, when my mother called to ask what I wanted for Thanksgiving dinner, I thought I was hallucinating because really, who would defrost, roast, and carve a turkey for two people? She would. She didn't want to be alone today and so I packed up my dog, three days worth of clothes, cancelled my training session, and drove here to be with her. But now... now I am alone. In her house. Because she forgot that I was coming over.

Thankful

Although I'm feeling especially melancholy, I have decided that today is the day that I will outline what I am thankful for.
* for having a mother and a father
* for my brothers and sisters
* for being employed and having a steady income
* for my loyal and loving dog
* for my car that starts every time I turn the key
* for freinds that care about me
* to have people that truly understand me
* for having loved someone with my whole heart
* for knowing that person loved me in return
* to have a warm place to call my own

Heavy Sighs

I wish today felt like a holiday. I want to be happy. But instead I feel this gloom inside threatening to overwhelm every second of my existence. It is not for lack of accomplishments or unrequited love nor for deep-rooted lonliness. No, I mourn for things unseen. The inevitability of future and the consistency of change. My soul cries out for time to stop turning. And in doing so, only wastes the precious morsels. The pain eminates from my belly and radiates to all those around me. The tension and self loathing is palpable. I need it all to end. I beg for it to leave me be. Because as long as it hangs around I feel as though I am a burden to all who know me. Which causes more pain. I would never want to be a burden. But I dont know how to stop.