That One Time I Was A Cougar

I was coming home after a long business trip. In sales, you're always on the road. So much so, that hotels lose their thrill and you long for the comfort and familiarity of home. A colleague, Martin, and I were almost there when he asked me to stop the car and just drop him off where we were. I pull the car over to the berm and let him out right there on the highway. He crosses the median and walks up to this big, white building. I think to myself, "What the !?! You know what? Not my problem", step on the gas and keep moving.

When I get to the rental car place, Martin is already there and he's getting strapped into a floaty vest and onto a row boat. I race to the boat because it's the only way to get across the water. But still, it pulls off without me. Martin's dragged underneath when suddenly, he jumps up like a dolphin grinning and spitting water from his mouth!

Low tide comes in and I decide that I'd rather walk across the damp sand than wait for another boat. I get to the dock and walk through a functioning warehoue. Right on the other side is the house I live in. I don't own this house; I'm a boarder. You would think that living in someone's basement would suck but this one is mysteriuosly well-lit and infused with yellow. Yellow walls, yellow knick-knacks, even yellow daisies. It's oddly warm and inviting for such a small space. But all I can think is that being a boarder totally rocks. I can go away for days and not worry because my house is never really empty.

Exhausted, I shuffle to the fridge and open it to find only soy milk (yum!) and grape kool-aid (?). There's only one person that drinks these two in tandem. Taylor Lautner.

He stands there with his big, brown eyes and tells me that he missed me so much that he stayed in my place while I was gone. I lean up on my toes, wrap my arms around his neck and as he leans towards me with smiling lips and knowing eyes...

waking up is a bitch.

Thankful Thursday

For some reason, I find myself in the mood to give the bird to a majority of the world. It's ok though because when all else fails I can find my center during a thankful Thursday. I live for this day simply because it forces me to slow down and find joy and peace in everyday situations. So, here it is.

This week, I'm thankful:

• for my sanity


• that people still stand up against what's wrong


• that I have an opportunity to build a real financial future in lieu of spending the rest of my days working for someone else


• that yesterday is over (it was a bitch!)


• that Happy Hour is tomorrow


• for dress sales


• that I met my annual minimums in my Gold Canyon business


• that I get to keep selling The World's Finest candles


• that the love of my life is out there somewhere waiting for the day when he can put up with my craziness and listen to me snore

What are you thankful for?

Can't You See I'm On My Knees for Mac 'n' Cheese?

I like to cook and that's a good thing because I just so happen to be damned good at it. Actually, I'm mediocre at best but quality cookware from The Pampered Chef and fancy pants ingredients like Gruyere make my food damned good.

My food is so good that at some point in your life, should you be blessed enough to partake, you will be acting all inappropriate at the dinner table what with the moaning and licking of your plate. Don't worry. It's cool. I'm so used to it by now that I just figure that I can live and let live. Besides, spontaneous orgasm has the be THE greatest compliment e.v.e.r.

Every so often, I become obsessed with certain food categories, like casseroles, stews, and currently, fritattas. When I was in my casserole phase, nothing was sacred. If I could put it in a dish with something else and wow you then that's exactly what I did. I took regular dishes and turned them into culinary masterpieces, complete with an inter mixture of flavors that danced in tandem along your pallet. You like that sentence? That's $30k worth of education right there.

One day, when it was really cold outside and hot chocolate just wasn't enough to make it better, Nat said, "Mac 'n' cheese would be so good right now". Obviously, it was a challenge. So, I break open Mom's cabinets to pull out the basics then rolled to the store to get the good stuff. You know the stuff: aged Parmesan, Gruyere, saffron; the foods of the gods. I blended these into a sauce worthy of unaccompanied ingestion. And then covered it with a buttery crouton topping and let it bake its way to happiness. It was ready to eat just in time to sit in front of the fire. Mmmmmm...

You see? It's good right? I told this story to Big Poppa and he said, "My mac 'n' cheese is better". I scoff at him because this fool must.not.know. How can his possibly be better when he only uses standard cheddar cheese? Of course, his defiance brings on an adjective war. I know I'm gonna win when I use "orgasmic". But alas, he claims his mac 'n' cheese is like hitting the "G-spot" and showed me exactly what he meant.

Imagine if you will, that you're sitting next to a close friend of over three years. And while he's talking to you, he takes his left hand, thrusts it into the air, extends his index and middle fingers together, bends them ever so slightly using their natural curvature and then commences to wiggle them. All to illustrate his point. Kinda like this:

I felt dirty. I felt mentally violated. I felt wet from having dribbled water down my front. It was hilariously menacing. And the best part was that he was in a G-spot trance. I was laughing too hard to get words out and finally had to force his hand back to his side.

Big Poppa,

Of all the things you and I have done together and of all the times we've shared, this will always be my favorite. Thanks for the memories.

P.S. ~ there's no way in hell I'm ever gonna let you live this shit down so don't even ask.

Thankful Thursday

I've been MIA on the blogging front lately and that's because I've been living life so much that I have yet to take the time to really process it all. This past weekend was insane. Saturday alone, I visited with 4 different friends. Between working my business and putting in massive amounts of quality time, the only other thing I can think to do is sleep. That doesn't mean that I don't have TONS of stories to share; it means that I haven't had time to put them all on paper.

With all that being said, I want to make sure that it doesn't come off as griping. I'm not griping. I guess the only thing I have to be sad about is that I don't keep in touch with people better. Now, that I'm reconnecting with all of my friends, I wish that we had stayed closer all this time.

And above all else, I feel truly thankful this week for everything. So many great memories are being formed and so much fun stuff is happening that it's making me wonder if this city is where I really belong after all.

All that aside, this week, I found myself being thankful for:

1. sunny days - I always took them for granted until we only had 4 of them in May


2. rain - it makes for warm food and good conversation


3. $10 pizzas - I don't care who you are, that's a good deal


4. bad decisions - they make for great stories


5. the teenagers that serve my popcorn at the movie theatre - our local theatre just went completely self-serve but the prices are still outrageously absurd. I wondered aloud why I had to pour my own Slushee and then pay $5 for the privilege


6. people that talk with their hands - I will never think of mac 'n' cheese the same way again


7. football movies


8. "It's raining nuts!" - Dora the Explorer -- BAHAHAHAHAHAA!


9. gas points - they equal cheap gas which equals more travel which equals more fun times


10. Brinner - it's breakfast for dinner


11. having more than one mom - I felt like the Kleenex commercial. I was sick last night and when I got tired of one mom I just sat with another. It was the ultimate cure.

What's That Sound?

Hello My Lovelies,

As you can see, Losing It is undergoing a major overhaul. I'll be adding some elements, changing the background and making it more "me" in general.

So, sit back and enjoy the view. Let me know if there's something you like. And keep your trap shut if there's something you don't like.

Hugs,

J-Bird

Hellooooo, Mr. Scale. It's Been Awhile. aka Fitness Friday

Here's the point:

I weighed myself this morning. I'm not going to tell you what the scale said because it's an insult to my person but I will tell you that I am no longer the heaviest I've ever been because I've lost 1.2 pounds. To celebrate, I had Burger King for breakfast. I know what you're thinking but you can hush your brain because I will totally walk/run/jog all of this off at tomorrow's Race for the Cure. Not to mention that I've been putting in extra fitness time.

How? I'm glad you asked. Firstly, I now take my pups on 2 half-hour walks every day and a 3rd 15-minute walk at night. I get the exercise I need and they get all the fresh air and poop space their little hearts could ever want.

Secondly, I've decided that I'm not going to not eat whatever I want. Because depriving myself is what made me binge like a mad person.( Just ask CBS111 about that time at El Vaquero that I ate like a preggo hostage. It was uncalled for. Plus all the dump cake. Damn you, dump cake, for being so easy to prepare!) But now that I feel free to eat whatever I want, I do. And it's working for me because I like doing whatever I want.

Thirdly, I am avoiding the scale at all costs until absolutely necessary (also known as Friday mornings - post shower but pre clothing. Yeah, I'm nekkid). This keeps me from losing my mind with worry about my progress. So basically, no Wii fit for me. I'd probably be consistently depressed by its mockery.

And finally, I remind myself every day that this will only get done if I do it. I spent thousands of dollars last year only to regain all the weight plus some more. All of my fantastic Buckle clothes don't fit and I refuse to give away anymore shirts. So based on my financial investment alone, I have to make it stick this time. Plus, I love myself too much to keep living this way. I looked in the mirror and for the first time felt fat. Like, fat fat. And unattractive. It's not supposed to be like this. I know that I'll feel healthier as the weight disappears; I've been there once before.

So let's get back to it Bloggies! It's time to get fit!

Next Week: P90X - Week 1 Again...

Thankful Thursday - A Belated Post

Good Grief! I let a whole Thursday go by and managed to not be thankful. I would feel ashamed but I haven't had time to feel much of anything except for tired. But that's because I have so many absolutely wonderful friends whom have been allowing me to selfishly encroach on their lives.

So, today, we're going to keep it short and sweet. I'm thankful for:

• having so many friends


• friends that are willing to re-connect


• having the money to pay all of my bills (even if that's the last thing I want to do with it)


• feeling so blessed


• knowing that even if all of my friends are getting married or having babies, I'm still getting drunk and am 200% ok with that

Happy Friday, Y'all!

This Is the Place Where I Stop Helping

Lately, I've been reading a lot of books. I'm reading them to better myself in areas that I can accept the fact that I need improvement. And honestly, these books are hitting me in ways that I never thought they would. I can actually see myself having the same arguments that these couples are having and you know what? I want off the *"Crazy Cycle". I want to have relationships with people that last.

And not just romantic ones. Real ones in general. The tools I've been picking up, jotting down, and slowly incorporating will help me in all of my relationships, including ones with friends. Especially the Five Love Languages. This book has caused me to reflect on all of my past romantic relationships and look for the signs of love I missed. Such as?

Physical touch. This person still touches me all the time. At first, I thought he was just a hugger. And then I thought he was clingy until it worked itself into being annoying. I'm not a hugger. Never have been. Physical touch makes me nervous because you're all up in my bidness. But this person neeeeeeeeds to touch. Elbow to elbow. Knee to thigh. Leg to thigh. Head to shoulder. It doesn't matter.

I know that I've experienced growth because the last time this person touched me, well... I touched them. It kind of threw them off too; being touched and all. I've never seen them smile so big. See, I feel like I have grown a bit. And I'm cutting myself some slack because I intend for this to be like success - a journey not a destination.

But this is where I draw the line, "every little bit helps". Little? Little. Maybe it seems little to you because yoooooou never bothered to do research on the topic. But as of 1130 this morning, I know more about your topic of expertise than you do. And I don't need to know this information. I wanted to find it out to help you. But you know what? Your blase' attitude has rubbed me the wrong way again and while I know that I will fully recover, I won't extend my assistance to you anymore. You obviously don't want my help and clearly your dream isn't as important as you profess it to be.

All that being said, what are you doing for the game tonight? I'm feeling like B-Dubs.

*from Love & Respect

P. S. to my Bloggie Peeps - Read these books, yo. Especially if you're married, single, dating, in a relationship, happily, unhappily, or - most importantly - human.

Late Night Posting

Hello Dear Heart,

Welcome to J-Bird's After Hours Excuses. I haven't posted in two days because I simply don't have the motivation to write. As of right now, there are at least 3 other things I should be doing before I have to head back out of my incredibly messy house to go to family dinner. But fret not. I shall return and in greater form than when I left.

I know. I miss you too. It's ok. Little boy blue and the man on the moon. When am I coming home? Less than 24 hours. Promise.

P.S. - When a male friend asks you to "put him on", he doesn't mean that he wants you to put his hand on your boob although he won't immediately remove it. Rather, what he means is "will you talk to your friend for me because I like her and even though I act like I'm a grown man I'm really just a fragile little boy".

Good night, Loves.

I Will Roast You

"FUCK YOU!"

She didn't just recognize my voice, she recognized my tone.

My Saturday started like every other. I woke up like it was a Wednesday, walked the dogs, fed everyone, put on Winx Club, and laid my tired ass back on the counch until noon.

I got a text around 230ish from Nat asking if I wanted to go to a pig roast. What!?! Food? Fun? Random People? Yes, please! We couldn't go until 7 'cause Nat had to work but whatevs. Just more time to prep for Mom's Day. Which totally rocked the house by the way.

We get there at 7:46 on the dot and all is well. BBQ, beer, new friends: today is gonna be a good day. There's even one funny guy (The Viking) who grabs my attention and holds it by the reins. Now, I'm not delusional. I don't want him. He doesn't even live in this city. And since we're being completely honest, I've still got the Scorpio on the brain. Plus, he's a Scorpio and when he said that I could only think of my Scorpio. Who's much sexier with his chiseled abs and piercing green eyes. Mmmmmm... But nonetheless, this other guy, "Jeff Morris", asks me to come outside.

Have you ever been to a house party? Do you know what it means to wander off with someone? If you don't want rumors, then you don't go. I didn't like Jeff. His bouffant hair was ridiculous and his swag was non-existant.

So, I don't go until I tell The Viking that I don't want to go. So me, The Viking, Hostee's boyfriend, and Jeff are outside. They're smoking and I'm on the step asking Jeff what he wants. He just wants to talk. I go back inside. That's when Jeff approaches me again. "Just come outside", he says, "J-Bird, I just want to talk to you". So, I go. And this is where it falls apart...

Me (calm and leary): What?

Jeff: I'm just playing the Wingman.

Me (kinda angry): What?!

Jeff: My friend likes your friend so I gotta get you out of there.

Me (full-on angry): You suck!

Jeff: Huh?

Me (seething): You're a dick! I've been a Wingman before and Rule #1 is: Don't let your target know you're the Wingman.

I go back inside.

We're playing Shoulders. I would tell you how to play bu that involves pictures so you'd be better off just following the Wiki link. Finally, after 5 rounds and so much failure Nat has to pee. The Viking has to go too of course. Now, the whole time we're playing Jeff is standing in the kitchen across from me staring, making eyes, and giving me the head nod. My anger continues to boil because I'm sure I already told him to leave me the fuck alone. Boys never listen.

I go to pee and I see Nat standing there with The Viking in the doorway trying to seal the deal. I don't interefere. She's grown; she can do what she wants. I pee. They are still talking. When I get back to the party, Jeff is sitting next to my chair and there's this other girl actually in my seat. It's all good because I'm this close to cussing him out.

She offers to move. I decline. Why? Because I know myself. I know that I've been stewing since the convo outside. I know that if he looks at me wrong I'm gonna blow.the.fuck.up. That's when he opens his mouth and says, "Come on J-Bird. Sit by me".

Me (at the top of my lungs): FUCK YOU! Note to self: Next time you try to be a Wingman don't tell the girl that you're the fucking wingman. You're an asshole and you've got no game.

Jeff (little boy whisper voice): I never said I had game.

Me: Don't talk to me. You don't even know how to acquire a target. I've been a wingman; you suck.

Jeff: Why? Because my friend likes your friend?

Me: Because my friend is my sister. Next time do your fucking research.

(now facing The Viking) And you. Next time, get a real fucking wingman with game and your might actually get laid.

I give Hostee a hug and roll out.

Now, I know it seems like I was being a jealous bitch but what it really is about is the disrespect. How hard would it have been for him to hold a got damn conversation? Do you really think that you are so pimp that I won't get all up in your face and cuss you the fuck out. Because as he found out the hard way, I will whoop your ass in front of all your friends. He sat there like a little bitch while I stood between his legs and yelled in his face with the ultimate disrespect. The only thing I regret is that I had been drinking so my voice is a bit stripped now. That and maybe I should have told Nat early on so that I didn't have to sit there stewing and letting that punk get to me. Naaaaahhhhh... I liked embarrassing him. A lot.

It's The Hardest Thing I'll Ever Have To Do

No, not look him in the eye and tell him I don't love him. {B^)

Rather, its to keep my mouth shut. It's absolutely killing me. Because what I really want to do is tell him outright that he should see me trying and appreciate it, god dammit. But instead, I have decided to let the whole thing go. I made a list of pros and cons and let me tell you... cons, hands down.

Pros

• Attractive (Very)


• Dedicated to his plan


• Great Physique


• Focused on his business


• Driven


• Calm


• Fun and playful

Cons

• Attractive - I'm a very jealous person


• Plans without goals


• Ideas without a clear vision


• Atlanta - as in, he's not going with (worth 5 points)


• Less than 4 months 'til departure for Atlanta (worth another 5 points)


• Still lives at home without definitive plan to move out


• Fluctuating employment


• No desire to step into adulthood


• Refusal to be responsible for self


• Instability


• Not focused on building a relationship


• We broke up for a reason

That's just some of the stuff I wrote down. The lists went on for pages and included some raunchy stuff like, Pro - Grrrrrreat in bed and Pro - Huge cock, but since my mom reads this page I thought that'd be inappropriate to post.

And just one more. Con - I want this off my fucking brain already! The only way to do that is to trash the wrapper.

Thankful Thursday - A Mother's Day Edition

Mother's Day is just around the corner and even though I don't have a gift for my Mom yet, you can be sure it will rock the house. I was going to write her a poem, but in the last 3 years she's received a Coach bag, a Pandora bracelet, Aldo shoes, and a diamond ring with the word "Mom" in it. I don't think I can get away with handmade presents now.

So, in honor of her Royal Highness, I am dedicating this Thankful Thursday post to her. Not because I'm a procrastinator but because she deserves to know how much I love her. And there's nothing better than putting it in writing so she can show all her friends.

I Am Thankful for My Mom Because:

• Our relationship has progressed as I have grown


• I can talk to her about anything (almost)


• She's usually right


• She knows when to give advice and when to just be a sounding board


• She won't judge me if I make the wrong decision


• She maximizes "gloat time" to 180 minutes


• She is forever stylish


• She taught me to chase my dreams


• She has supported my whims


• She won't wear champagne to my wedding (hint, hint)


• I can look at her and have hope for my future physique


• My kids will have an awesome Grandma


• My kids won't be ugly


• When all I said and done, I know she'll still be there tomorrow

I Love You, Mom. T----H----I----S----M----U----C----H!!

The Thing About Being Me

The thing about being me is that if I weren't me I wouldn't be my friend.

I overanalyze, overreact, and procrastinate within an inch of the sanity of all those around me. And then, in the end, I usually walk away from the whole thing like it was just another Burger King wrapper. When the "end of the day" finally comes, whatever issue I was fretting over will have been diagnosed so carefully, so thoroughly that it's just a remnant of what it was or could have been. This.drives.me.crazy.

I want to change this part of me. I want to be that person that is firm in their decisions and willing to take chances... in relationships, of course. Because in life, if it looks like I might have fun or wet my pants, I am in, 110% in, all in, like in poker. I'm just in it. No questions. No hesitation. No trepidation.

But men? Men are my cause for pause. And I wasn't always this way. I used to be in it. All up in it. Then there was one. And he was my Only One. And I knew that we would be together forever. But then we weren't. And it hurt so much that I could only think of him without crying 3 years after he was gone.

Not to say that I haven't dated since then, but I will say that everyone in between was just another wrapper. I waltzed in, took what I wanted and then discarded them when I was done. But this guy is like a trick candle. He won't be blown out. And the truth is that I don't want him to be.

This is where I'd like to be someone who doesn't overanalyze, overreact, or procrastinate. Because while I'm doing all of that I should be doing the girl thing and plotting how I'm going to snag my man. Instead, I'm driving the people in my life absolutely batty over my indecision - and perhaps my resistance to change.

Everyone agrees that we need to talk, but I am a Sag Girl and I know enough about me to know that keeping my mouth shut is the best option - for now at least. So, I'm attacking this in the best way I know how, as research. Of course, I will keep my lovelies updated, but as it stands, I'm working on a list of Pros and Cons. Next will come the list of feelings. There will be a couple of drafts. I'll probably share one or two with you and you may even get a psychotic rant. Only time will tell.

Until then my dears, know this: I will either sacrifice a small dream for the chance at true love or I will dwell on this until the ears of everyone in my life bleed.

Sometimes, I Wonder...

• if I'll ever be the kind of woman that men write songs about


• if I'll find my place in this world


• whether bankruptcy is my best option


• when I'll be properly motivated to lose this weight


• if I can reclaim my inner flirt


• what it will take to snag Mr. Right For Me


• when I will get to start my family


• if Atlanta is a new opportunity or me just running away


• how many books I can really read at once without getting them all jumbled up in my head


• why my Mom is always right


• can I really have a child just like me, 'cause that would be all bad


• if my life will ever be more than mediocre


• why I love shoes SO MUCH and clothes only this much


• where I can get cute dresses that would totally flatter my killer legs


• when my income will match my tastes


• why everyone isn't as fashion concious as my family


• why he still makes me blush


• why his touch can make my heart melt


• if he'll ever get his act right so that I can break this celibacy


• if I'm completely insane for going 7 months without nookie


• what it will take to get nookie off the brain


• why my mom's dog is licking the laptop


• if telling on Ethan was the right thing to do


• how Ethan's going to get back at me for getting him in trouble


• how the hell does Twitter work


• why don't carrots taste like cake? I'd definitely eat more of them if they tasted like cake


• if I'm the only person in America that's had the same cell phone number for 8 years


• when I'm going to get to use my fancy phone that I bought on Black Friday


• why I procrastinate over nothing


• if I can swing an awesome gift for my Mom AND get myself two new pairs of shoes

photo source