I should not be feeling like this.
Overall, the pieces of my life are genuinely and honestly falling into place. Some by mere chance and others by a stroke of dumb luck. But as I sit here and write this, I have two major bills that apparently went unpaid. No, I can't tell you how that happened. And no, I don't have the money to pay them - either of them.
I'm not sure how it happened but I let a major piece of my life - my finances - get by me. I mean, usually when something goes unpaid it it entirely on purpose and the creditor is made well aware that they shan't receive payment this go round. Ah, well. What can I do except keep on trudging forward?
In other news, I have gone bat shit crazy. I actually said to someone (out loud mind you) that I would "stomp a hole in his face and piss in it". "He" is my boss.
Now, he knows how to pluck my strings. It's like he looks for new ways to make me create new methods of torture. He is the tiny drip from your faucet that you ignore until you realize that the stopper has been in the tub and now your whole bathroom is in your downstairs neighbor's apartment.
I've gone so far overboard that I managed to condescend to my dentist's receptionist. (But seriously, how many times do I have to say that I'm not coming in until October?)
I tried talking to my Grammy about it; she knows how to make things better. But all that did was make me miss her. And I'll tell you what else it did. It almost almost! brought on the slightest tear because I really just wanted to be with her.
And I get to meet Nat's new boyfriend tonight. Is it wrong that I don't give a damn? Not because I think he'll be a worthless no-good but because I really feel like she should be focusing on getting a goddamn apartment! She is homeless and I'm pretty sure that it has yet to occur to her that the kindness of strangers dries up before that of family.
All in all, I think I'm on the verge of firing myself from my own damn life. For all the things that are going right, I seem to be sabotaging myself in another area. So, instead of setting things on fire or smashing them with baseball bats, I'm going to go to McDonald's, get an ice cream cone, and go see April's first cheerleading game.
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow, send a search party to my house.
No Laughing Matter.
6 months ago